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Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

Old 15th November 2002, 3:40 PM   #1
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Opinions please

concerning a friend of mine at work. Before I get started I just want to settle the fact that I'm not jealous of her. In fact I'm concerned about her and not always sure how to respond when she talks to me about her life. She used to be such a grounded person, and now she is out of control.

Anyway, we sit right by each other so I hear every story at least twice, usually more. She tells me things, then she's on the phone all day long. She's going through a divorce. The papers aren't even signed yet. She just met a guy two weeks ago and every day since then they are seeing each other every day and talking on the phone for an unbelievable number of hours. She has two little boys whom she has let run wild while she's on the phone. She's also been coming into work late every day because she's so tired from being up in the wee hours of the morning on the phone. This relationship has become a jeopardy to her job.

This guy she's seeing is apparently perfect. He comes to work to bring her coffee and resists the temptation to fool around with her even when she sleeps over at his place because it's close to work. She says he's just "such a good guy and has such willpower". However, one day he called her at work at 2:00 pm and said he needed her. She got her coat and was going to leave work to go have sex with him. Before she got out of the building he called her back and said for her not to come. She's already told this guy she loves him and she's already acting like they will be married someday. She's 31, she's not a child. I can't believe what I hear sometimes.

Okay, am I just out of touch or is this kind of behavior a little bizarre? I don't think a relationship that starts out so consuming and intense is healthy or normal. It's almost like an obsession. Some days I get so tired of hearing about every personal detail of her life and this guy, I just have to leave my desk. Here again, it's not jealousy or anything, I just hate to see her like this, she could end up so terribly hurt. It's her life and other than a few words of advice over things I've been through myself, I don't get involved. It is hard to have to listen to it day after day after day.

I guess I just needed to vent. Thank you all for "listening."
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Old 15th November 2002, 5:25 PM   #2
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i think it's normal

When I left my husband, all I could think about was getting married again, and I was so sure the guy of my moment was the one...until it was short lived.

In fact, I remember the first guy I was "in love with" after I left mt husband. He was a gentleman. We slept in the same bed, and never did more than kiss. Never had sex...nothing, although I was ready to. I assuemed he was just a respectful gentleman. later, I found out that he just didn't do it bc he knew I was vunerable, and had to walk away from the relationship. He and I are friends now, and I'm not even attracted to him!

It's a very hard transition to go from being in a "committed" relationship like a marriage, and going back in the dating game. It's a complete change in mindset. And after you've been married, you don't remember the dating game as being as "bad" as it really is.

In all reality, this guy is probably playing her, knowing she is vunerable. She's smothering her pain of her divorce with the good feelings coming from this guy. So essentially, they are using each other.

This won't last long, she'll get even MORE heartbroken when this doesn't work out, then she'll learn her lesson. I think it is something that can only be learned through experience, unless you have incredible will power and strength of the mind and heart. It's not something you can just tell her and she'll get it. She has to do it. Just be there for her when the clouds fall out of her heaven.
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Last edited by Ally Boo; 15th November 2002 at 5:28 PM..
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Old 15th November 2002, 7:02 PM   #3
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Who CARES about her love life!

The only thing that concerns you here is how her behaviour is distracting you at work - indeed if it is putting you off, I'm sure there are other colleagues who feel the same way. She shouldn't be wasting company time on the phone in private conversations or ducking out of the office for 'quickies' - this just puts more pressure on you and others to do her job! I don't like people who rat each other out, but I would suggest warning her, in a polite, friendly way, to keep her mind on the job. If things persist go to your boss. Maybe this will be the wake up call she needs to come back down to earth.
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Old 15th November 2002, 9:24 PM   #4
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my thoughts on this

there are a couple of things going on here.

she is down about this divorce and the only thing lifting her is the feeling of "loving" this guy. it is her "high". it is like a drug. it is addictive, hence you sense the obsessive nature of her feelings. these feelings are based in neediness, not love. love doesn't destroy your life or those you love, but obsession and neediness do. that is what you see going on.

if you care for the woman, try to talk to her and tell her what you notice. it won't be long before the boss confronts her. she may not realize that other people can see her doing what she's doing. or...she may not even care. she may be feeling so low, that she doesn't care how many lives she ruins, she "needs" this man and that's all that counts. people like that do not see themselves as worth much, so they go to extremes to get who they want, but they don't end up getting them because of their behavior and lack of concern of everyone around them. all that matters is plugging up the hole in their soul.

no, this type of relationship is far from healthy.
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Old 16th November 2002, 9:51 AM   #5
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Thanks,

I started out being really good friends with this girl and now we don't even talk anymore. She's just on the phone all day, I'm talking hours at a stretch---at work. We have assigned work at my job and if someone is out sick or gets behind, the others in our dept. are obligated to help out. Sure, if she was out with a sick child or on lawyer appointments and she was stressed over her divorce, I'd help her out all I could. I don't help her out for being irresponsible though. I feel bad sometimes but I just have to say no.

I appreciate your comments, I felt bad talking about her on a forum but I really needed some others' opinions about this.
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Old 16th November 2002, 2:46 PM   #6
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if you tell her

about her behavior and the consequences it has to the team, she might understand.

you could phrase it something like: i understand you are going through a tough time, but we need you to get the job done. if you have a problem with your child or you are sick, then we are more than happy to pitch in. however, leaving here to be with this guy and being on the phone for extended periods of time disrupt our work flow and then we have to do the job for you. this is not what we are here for. this has gone on for a long time, so it is not like we have not stuck by you, but now it seems you are taking us for granted and we can't allow you to take us for granted.
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Old 16th November 2002, 7:02 PM   #7
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How can she get away with that??

How can she possibly talk on the phone that long without someone noticing or saying something to her??
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Old 16th November 2002, 8:35 PM   #8
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We're fortunate

to work in an office where we get minimal, if any supervision. She's been at this job over two years, I guess they figure she knows what she's doing and doesn't require monitoring. I'm not the type to rat on anyone, I wouldn't want it done to me, but you have a good point, Butterflyz, I may need to address this problem with her personally if it persists.
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