need to get it out

[zeppygigs]

Hi, i was just hoping to vent in reference to my situation. As I progress positively I will share my thoughts to help others who struggle in a similar scenario.

I was married in 1988 and have 3 children with my wife. we have been through some hard times, as expected, but never really fought much. We were best friends and spent every opurtunity with each other, mutually happy with it. I will try to be short but specific with my dilema.

I had a heart attack in May 2008 and was hospitalized for 1 week. My wife was there with me in the hospital while our oldest daughter (19) stayed at home to watch our 16 year old and 9 year old. I returned home and started to get back on my feet while out of work (excellent income and have never been unemployed in the 20 years). My wife seemed a bit distant during my recovery and spent time going to work to make money since i was on state disability. She is a bartender and I always knew she had the perfect personality for the job so I was behind her decision to chose her career. I am not the type to stop someone from doing what they want, but will voice my opinion.

To make this long story shorter, she left for work on Father's Day (June)and tok a small bag with her. I had a strange feeling she was not coming home. We have never separated even for one day in our seemingly very happy marriage. I was right. I called her about 2 hours after she was due home and asked her when she would arrive. Her response floored me when she said she doesn't know and just needed some time. For some reason all her thoughts of being married young and constantly putting the kids first, really broke her. (lame excuse due to the circumstances). I understood and did not pressure her since i assumed she just wanted to vent a while.

She has not returned since that day. It has been 9 months and this seemingly good mother has rarely come to see her children. I will never understand how a mother could be so selfish and not put her children first. The kids are good, well behaved, smart, and never have been in any trouble to warrent her need to run from them. I can understand not wanting to be married but not wanting to be a mommy anymore?

I went back to work in August and was layed off in November. It has been a hard fight to keep my house. pay the bills, feed the kids, and there is no need for me to explain the other responsibilities associated. we have never received any money from her but she did call me quite a bit. I was crushed, for the kids. How do you explain to a 9 year old girl that mommy isn't living with us anymore. I was left with the burden to explain. I never trashed my wife and allow my children to ask questions and support them unconditionally.

My wife kept pretty close contact with me but still to this day hardly calls the kids. In August she began renting a house which is about 40 minutes from our home. I get calls about how depressed she is and offer to help her seek councelling. I know her calls were basically to "keep me hanging on". She didn't come by for any holidays and gave me a rolled up 50 dollar bill for my daughter's 10 year birthday. The kids totally resent her and when she does make an effort to see them, my little girl can go either way. she will say "no" one day and be excited the next. I am doing my best to keep things together but really have some bad days.

There were many more incidents in the past 8 or so months and will elaborate if asked. I was and still am an emotional wreck and seeked support for me and the kids through family councelling. Not much progress followed so we halted and support one another instead. I know there will be futrue issues when my children get older and just want other people know that there are a lot of us guys in the same situation.

There are no other men in her life, at this point, she lives alone. Although i am not naive, i know it is only a matter of time before she finds whatever she needs to fullfill her life. I did finally take her to court and was awarded 81 dolars per week child support. New Jersey is very hard on me. I am sorry this was so long, and could go on for another hour or so.....and I have no idea what this post is going to accomplish, other than letting it out....thanks for listening.

[GorillaTheater]

I'm very sorry you find yourself in this situation. You don't appear to be asking for advice, so I hope the following is a given: divorce her and seek custody based on the documentation of abandoning her family and the limited contact with her children that I hope you've been accumulating. Best of luck.

[Edna07]

I am so sorry for what you have been through and what you are going through now.

 

Is it possible she has a drug problem???

 

I just don't understand how a mother can up and leave her kids.

[Geishawhelk]

Yes, I think you have to divorce her on the grounds of estrangement.

is there another guy that you know of? I would certainly guess there is, almost without a doubt.

Only an affair would tear her away from her children, I would think... and having been a bartender would give her opportunity.

it's a low thing to do.

I agree.

File for divorce, and full custody.

[zeppygigs]

thanks. I have begun the divorce process and in this state (NJ), she is gong to live large. I lose half of everything and she will only gain. One day this will all hit her square in the face. My son graduates high school this year and she will miss it. Abandonment only matters if she has been gone for over one and a half years. I spent 9 months researching and talking to lawyers in hopes of coming out of this unscaved, to no avail. I welcome any advice and am regretfull not to mention that.

[zeppygigs]

no proof of another man. i think i know better though. i keep a daily journal, for my peace of mind, and do document when she makes an attempt at seeing the kids. no real drug issues other than a few pills here and there. She has not even contacted her own mother (whom I allowed to visit for a few weeks to see her grandchildren) in 8 months, and they were VERY close. I have her family as part of our support group...lol. No one understands her actions. If i was that depressed, I would see a therapist. she doesn't think she is wrong in any way...

[Edna07]

Maybe she is going through a severe depression if she is withdrawing from EVERYONE.

[carhill]

Any issues for her with alcoholism or other addictive behaviors? Rapid mood swings? Unexplained actions?

 

Does anyone you know have regular contact with her?

 

Has she been served with divorce papers yet?

 

Here's some info I gleaned from a NJ legal site:

Grounds for Divorce:

 

You must have grounds to obtain a divorce in New Jersey. Despite several attempts to have such a law passed, the State does not recognize irreconcilable differences as a valid basis for divorce. The grounds which are recognized are listed below. In order to obtain a divorce in New Jersey you must allege and prove one or more of the following. The more common grounds are discussed in slightly more detail below.

 

• Abandonment/Desertion (for twelve months)
  
• Adultery
  
• Deviant Sexual Conduct
  
• Extreme Cruelty
  
• Habitual Drunkeness/Voluntary Addiction (for twelve months preceding filing)
  
• Incarceration (for eighteen months preceding filing)
  
• Institutionalization for a Mental Illness (for twenty-four months preceding filing)
  
• Separation (for eighteen months)
  
• Irreconcilable differences which have caused the breakdown of the marriage for a period of six months and which make it appear that the marriage should be dissolved and that there is no reasonable prospect of reconciliation.
  

Abandonment and Separation are very similar in nature with but one significant difference, abandonment implies a more unilateral decision, such a where one spouse leaves the other. Separation connotes a more mutual decision, such as where the parties agree that one should leave the marital residence.

Separation requires that you and your spouse live in "different habitations." It is NOT sufficient that you and your spouse have separate bedrooms in the same house.

However, abandonment may be actual, i.e. where one party leaves, or constructive, i.e. where one spouse has unjustifiably withheld marital relations from the other for the requisite twelve months.

 

 

Extreme cruelty takes on many forms. It can be physical abuse, mental or verbal abuse, abuse of a child, substance abuse, or many other situations which make it unreasonable for two people to continue to cohabitate as husband and wife.

Note that the law imposes a three month "cooling off" period on this basis for divorce. In other words, the acts of cruelty you allege (you must list specific acts in your divorce complaint) cannot have occurred within the three months prior to filing. The underlying reason for this is simply that --as a matter of public policy -- the law does not want people having a fight and then racing to the courthouse only to then change their minds once they've "cooled off."

Irreconcilable differences as grounds for divorce was enacted on January 20, 2007. As such there are no cases interpreting this new law.

 

 

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Does that match up with your experience?

 

 

My sympathies. Hug the kids

[Chrome Barracuda]

Why is she getting half of anything even under nj state law she abandoned you and hasnt contributed to the household or welfare of your children!

 

You need a better lawyer and sue her for more child support and spousal support. I mean she makes more than you now right?

 

Also work on yourself if you need to move for more greater financial pastures than you do so. Those kids are your priority! If you have any friends or family lean on them. let them help you. Also why did you wait so long for divorce?

 

I think she cheated on you and she couldnt face herself in the mirror because she's a conflict avoider so she'd rather be by herself. Than bring anyone pain.

 

Cowardly but in the end you'll find out the truth.

[zeppygigs]

the law sees unemployment as a temporary status. I am capable of making 70K per year and am being punished for allowing her the capability to stay at home for alot of years and show minimal income throughout our marriage. NJ is now a no fault state and since we were married for 20 years, she is entitled to half of everything. I went to two very well respected and good lawyers only to find these facts to be true. It is very frustrating but he will do his best.

She does have regular contact with her newer group of friends, from her work, but I do not, and will not associate with them. My lawyer has made some suggestions to lighten the financial burden on me but there is only so much a judge will accept as real. It really does not matter that she has left us, its a person's right to leave and since he marriage was so long, I have to make a deal to keep my pension, house, annuity, 401K, etc. Believe it or not, she has more rights than morally understandable to us.