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Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

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Old 25th February 2002, 12:35 PM   #1
roger
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confused

My thoughts go out to all that are going through tough times.

I have been married for 2 years and have known my wife for 6 years. She has been unemployed for the last 9 months. She's cold, alouf,negative and is never at home. She spends heaps of time with her friends to try and sort herself out.

I have mentioned professional help, but she's too proud. She has shut me off from her life and I don't understand why. It's been going on now for 9 weeks, we haven't spent a week-end away or done anything together

She has mentioned a couple of times that she doesn't know about our future and that she is so confused. That comes as a real comfort to me as I have to keep the funds coming in, keep a straight head and try and work through this.

I was sick of being ignored and being the butt of her jokes around friends.

So I mentioned that I am moving out to let her sort things out. She wants this to be temporary and wants to give it another go, but why would she say that if she's still not commited to the future? There's a lot of care still left in the relationship but I feel it's all one sided for the time being.

I felt that I needed to step back from the relationship and not be a passenger anymore. How do I feel, empty and confused it's hard to understand why my wife is blocking me away from her problems. I am always there for her, where is she when I need her???

It's been a bit over a week now since I left. She called and wanted to see me. She did all my washing & ironing and cooked me a meal??? We spent 5 hours together in one day, more than what I have spent with her for the last 8 weeks or so. She asked me if I missed her, if I think of her etc etc.

I am so confused. She isn't making any logic at all.

Is anyone going through something similar or have any comments they would like to make.

Many thanks
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Old 25th February 2002, 3:43 PM   #2
Angel
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Re: confused

She sounds like she doesn't know what she wants. She is a crazy maker--tells you to stand up and sit down at the same time. Stay away from her for awhile. If she loves you, she'll be dying to see you and want you back. If she's aloof, she does not love you. Stay away for a month, no calls no nothing! You'll know your next move by her reaction to you when you see her again.
Quote:
My thoughts go out to all that are going through tough times. I have been married for 2 years and have known my wife for 6 years. She has been unemployed for the last 9 months. She's cold, alouf,negative and is never at home. She spends heaps of time with her friends to try and sort herself out.

I have mentioned professional help, but she's too proud. She has shut me off from her life and I don't understand why. It's been going on now for 9 weeks, we haven't spent a week-end away or done anything together She has mentioned a couple of times that she doesn't know about our future and that she is so confused. That comes as a real comfort to me as I have to keep the funds coming in, keep a straight head and try and work through this.

I was sick of being ignored and being the butt of her jokes around friends. So I mentioned that I am moving out to let her sort things out. She wants this to be temporary and wants to give it another go, but why would she say that if she's still not commited to the future? There's a lot of care still left in the relationship but I feel it's all one sided for the time being. I felt that I needed to step back from the relationship and not be a passenger anymore. How do I feel, empty and confused it's hard to understand why my wife is blocking me away from her problems. I am always there for her, where is she when I need her??? It's been a bit over a week now since I left. She called and wanted to see me. She did all my washing & ironing and cooked me a meal??? We spent 5 hours together in one day, more than what I have spent with her for the last 8 weeks or so. She asked me if I missed her, if I think of her etc etc. I am so confused. She isn't making any logic at all. Is anyone going through something similar or have any comments they would like to make.

Many thanks
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Old 25th February 2002, 7:24 PM   #3
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Re: confused

So, this all happened after she became unemployed?

You have known each other for eight years. Some people can change alot during that period of time.

If she cannot figure herself out and is stressed over her life, No one can help her but herself. That's just common sense. You can support her to lift her spirits, make her feel good about herself, but you cant make up her mind for her.

What you can tell her is that "her life is you and your life is her's" That's what marriage is supposed to be about! That's why people look for their "better half"!

She needs help, if she wont go see a professional about her issue's than she's not going to help the marriage. So she needs to find out if she wants to be married to you or not. There is no, "let me find out who I am" during a marriage.

Sharing a life is a marriage. It's not always perfect. But living a life together is alot like running a business. You either be there or you dont. I think thats the point you need to make across to her.

Maybe she feels inadiquite because she not employed. Do you tell her she needs to work or have you given her the option.

You have already got your point across to her, it's really up to her to take the next step.

Quote:
My thoughts go out to all that are going through tough times. I have been married for 2 years and have known my wife for 6 years. She has been unemployed for the last 9 months. She's cold, alouf,negative and is never at home. She spends heaps of time with her friends to try and sort herself out.

I have mentioned professional help, but she's too proud. She has shut me off from her life and I don't understand why. It's been going on now for 9 weeks, we haven't spent a week-end away or done anything together She has mentioned a couple of times that she doesn't know about our future and that she is so confused. That comes as a real comfort to me as I have to keep the funds coming in, keep a straight head and try and work through this.

I was sick of being ignored and being the butt of her jokes around friends. So I mentioned that I am moving out to let her sort things out. She wants this to be temporary and wants to give it another go, but why would she say that if she's still not commited to the future? There's a lot of care still left in the relationship but I feel it's all one sided for the time being. I felt that I needed to step back from the relationship and not be a passenger anymore. How do I feel, empty and confused it's hard to understand why my wife is blocking me away from her problems. I am always there for her, where is she when I need her??? It's been a bit over a week now since I left. She called and wanted to see me. She did all my washing & ironing and cooked me a meal??? We spent 5 hours together in one day, more than what I have spent with her for the last 8 weeks or so. She asked me if I missed her, if I think of her etc etc. I am so confused. She isn't making any logic at all. Is anyone going through something similar or have any comments they would like to make.

Many thanks
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Old 26th February 2002, 6:21 AM   #4
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Re: confused

Thanks for your reply Velvet.

She's up one day & down the next. I think you're right about her feeling inadequate.

She's just giving me crazy signals. Yes no Yes no.

Regards
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Old 26th February 2002, 6:31 AM   #5
roger
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Re: confused

Thanks for your advise Angel.

She called up last week and wanted to see me. When I did see her she was more affectionate, but still "flat". She said that she wanted to go out for diner with me this week and that she will call me.

I decided that I will let her chase.
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Old 26th February 2002, 8:51 AM   #6
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Re: confused (re-posted)

hi roger,

i'm sorry to hear you've hit a slump in your marriage. but if there's one thing i'm getting from your post it's that communication between the two of you basically sucks. granted, we can't make a person open up to us if they don't want to or, as is your wife's case, it can be hard to know where to start. what i would suggest is to tell her that you understand she's confused and you understand that she may say some things that you don't want to hear or may not like, but communication and honesty are vital, otherwise things will only get more complicated. just as importantly, do not lay blame, no matter how upset you are. this will only cause her to shut down more.

have you and your wife sat down and tried to have a good talk? some couples tend to tilt away from the consistency of effort that is required to keep them on track, it doesn't have to be that way.

the hardest part of coming out of a slump is acknowledging you are in one. you cannot solve a problem that you cannot admit you have. will she admit she has a problem, or does she merely see herself as just 'confused'? has she only felt like this since she's been unemployed? has she lost a lot of confidence? has she been having trouble getting a job?

if you are both able to reach a decision to move forward, getting started will be your next hurdle. this may involve time together trying to sort out problems as a married couple, or it may involve visiting a marriage counsellor. either way, it requires your personal urgency and it will take a leap of faith. of course you cannot be sure of what will happen or where you will land, but it will also take courage. it will take both partners working together; making new promises and beginning with baby steps.

It's time to make some new choices; change your thinking, construct new behavior patterns and change your relationship from one that may be sinking into the abyss into a relationship you can be proud to be in.

trust is the foundation of a healthy love relationship and it must be earned. make an agreement to only allow truthful disclosure in your relationship. not telling the truth about how you feel; only telling part of the story; withholding your wants and needs to your partner slowly erodes the trust in your relationship. without trust there can be no effective communication; without effective communication there can be no genuine intimacy. agree to never lie to your partner. honesty always wins.

on another note, it is possible she could be suffering from depression or hormonal problems? has she been to see a doctor? there are obviously outside factors which are influencing her behaviour. we don't just wake up confused one morning. it is a gradual process and bottling it all up will only magnify her problems tenfold.

as a married couple, who are obviously facing difficulties, communication and honesty are absolutely essential. a bit of team work is vital if anything is to be solved. there is no 'i' in team. a marriage cannot afford to be selfish.

i hope everything workds out for the best and please keep us posted.

best wishes
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Old 26th February 2002, 10:05 AM   #7
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I hate to tell you this.....

It doesn't appear your wife is very interested in being married at this time.

One of the most serious danger signs is her making you the butt of her jokes. This is a combination of grave uneasiness and a major display of disrespect for you.

People who love each other and who want to work on a marriage are not confused. My guess is that she came from a real screwed up family (check it out) and that dysfunction has her confused because she's used to drama in her homelife and you want things more stable.

She's likely very depressed now and in dire need of medical treatment for that. Until she gets the therapy and/or medication she requires, your situation will not get better. Because of her depression, she is not motivated to find any kind of work she can do.

It's not likely she will be communicative because most likely this wasn't something that happened in her family when she was growing up. Your job is to convince her there is a problem that needs to be taken care of immediately.

This is far more complicated than a post on this board can address. A trip to a medical doctor coupled with therapy, for both of you, will be what is required here.

If you don't get outside help ASAP, you can kiss your marriage good-bye. And don't think this will be a quick fix deal either. Your wife's got serious issues...and you may as well. We all have things we need to work on to some extent. Those areas can be identified in therapy, if you can get her there. It will be a great experience for both of you...just find somebody who is very qualified and well recommended.
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Old 26th February 2002, 11:23 AM   #8
Ed
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Re: confused (re-posted)

I think Miss Mojo and Tony have covered all the bases on advice. I can only sympathize with you on this one.

I have seen this same scenario one too many times. I'm sure it won't make you feel any better to know that this same thing is happening to thousands of other people as I type this. I don't understand it either.

She has already said she is not willing to go for counseling. That in itself speaks volumes to me. Makes you wonder why she would feel more proud to have a failed marriage than to talk to someone that could possibly help her figure out what she wants out of life and relationships. I'm stumped.

Besides what has already been suggested, I don't know what else you can do to help this relationship mend. My only other advice is for you to take great care of yourself. If you feel that you need to, do some work on yourself. Talk to a counselor of some sort and make sure her state of confusion doesn't destroy the best parts of you.

Good Luck!
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Old 26th February 2002, 12:25 PM   #9
roger
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reply to Miss Mojo/Tony/Ed

Dear all,

Thanks for your kind reply. You certainly gave me some ideas here. I thought that I could give you some more details to answer your questions that you raised on your last reply.

My wife & I have sat down on several occasions to talk and the general theme is that she cannot commit to the future until she gets work. She says things like "What can I offer you?" "I am unable to contribute to the house, bills etc"

I have been supportive and said that it's o.k you'll find work, I am here to help.

She's so wound up like clock that she is unable to help out.

That's why I am not sure why she would be confused with me as opposed to everything else in her life.

She says that we have weathered a storm, but doesn't mean that the boat is not sailable again.

I have been thinking of a marriage counsellor, so that they may suggest to her to see a professional, I would be more than happy to go along. Also it may "peel" those layers of confusion away in order to get to the real issues.

She has been intense, stressed, uptight and this is shown in her behaviour. I think she may be so down that she may be suffering from depression, hence all the confusion, lack of affection and respect.

She is a very very proud person. Had a high powered job with good salary. She has never been unemployed until now.

She has lost her confidence and has been generally down since being unemployed 9 months ago, but more so from the beginning of year 2002. She's actively looking for work but it's driving her crazy to wait for answers.

It's been over a good week now since I have left. She's calling me to give me an up-date on the job situation and would like to go out for diner this week. I think communications have improved since I left. She says that she is lonely at night and has done lots of thinking.

I'll keep you posted! Thanks again for your advise, I really appreciate your time in replying to my problems.

Many thanks & best regards,
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Old 26th February 2002, 6:55 PM   #10
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Re: reply to Miss Mojo/Tony/Ed

What she can offer you, for starters, is that she unwind.

That is her first step. Otherwise she will continue dissapointing herself and hurting you.

It sounds like she is being hard on herslef due from being out of work. She has taken those feelings to an extreme. Emotionally and its affecting your r/s. I reccomend that she put out resumes, fill applications, whatever. At least six per day concentrate on relaxing a little bit to read (self help books, investment books, romance novels, or even continuing ed.) something to occupy her mind during her free time.

If she cannot mentally help herself, than tell her she must see a professional for help. Otherwise you will not hang around to watch her crumble. If she cannont help herself and If she refuses to see a doctor, than you are forced to give up on her.

Is she going to let that happen? Thats what you have to get through to her. Self help or therapy? And by the time you post with us the next time I hope to hear that she has made a step towards trying.
Quote:
Dear all, Thanks for your kind reply. You certainly gave me some ideas here. I thought that I could give you some more details to answer your questions that you raised on your last reply. My wife & I have sat down on several occasions to talk and the general theme is that she cannot commit to the future until she gets work. She says things like "What can I offer you?" "I am unable to contribute to the house, bills etc" I have been supportive and said that it's o.k you'll find work, I am here to help. She's so wound up like clock that she is unable to help out. That's why I am not sure why she would be confused with me as opposed to everything else in her life. She says that we have weathered a storm, but doesn't mean that the boat is not sailable again. I have been thinking of a marriage counsellor, so that they may suggest to her to see a professional, I would be more than happy to go along. Also it may "peel" those layers of confusion away in order to get to the real issues. She has been intense, stressed, uptight and this is shown in her behaviour. I think she may be so down that she may be suffering from depression, hence all the confusion, lack of affection and respect. She is a very very proud person. Had a high powered job with good salary. She has never been unemployed until now. She has lost her confidence and has been generally down since being unemployed 9 months ago, but more so from the beginning of year 2002. She's actively looking for work but it's driving her crazy to wait for answers. It's been over a good week now since I have left. She's calling me to give me an up-date on the job situation and would like to go out for diner this week. I think communications have improved since I left. She says that she is lonely at night and has done lots of thinking. I'll keep you posted! Thanks again for your advise, I really appreciate your time in replying to my problems. Many thanks & best regards,
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Old 26th February 2002, 8:13 PM   #11
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Re: confused

Good! Let her want you! She won't want you, unless she thinks she can't have you. DON'T CALL HER
Quote:
Thanks for your advise Angel. She called up last week and wanted to see me. When I did see her she was more affectionate, but still "flat". She said that she wanted to go out for diner with me this week and that she will call me. I decided that I will let her chase.
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