Jump to content

My Wife Told Me She Doesn't Love Me Anymore


Recommended Posts

sadderdadnow

Hi. I am a 33 year old male who has been with the most tremendous woman for almost 11 years. Our marriage has had its share of problems but I believed that things were turning around this past summer. After years of neglect I determined that I needed to be fully committed to my marriage this summer and I was. But then a week ago I caught my wife trying to have an affair.

 

And then she told me that she didn't love me anymore, that she wasn't attracted to me anymore and that, and that she wanted an open marriage or divorce. She said that there was no passion left in our marriage and she couldn't "love me the way I deserved to be loved" and that maybe we should just go our own seperate ways.

 

We have two kids N & C who are 11 years of age or younger. They both were gone for the whole summer while we worked on our marriage but are about to come home tomorrow. I really love my wife but am now starting to realize that I realized that I needed to care and feed our relationship too late.

 

We are both seeing divorce lawyers in the next couple of weeks. She says that she is still confused but wants to see what her options are. I feer (with good reason) that I have lost my soulmate and the love of my life. Is there any hope?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Ugh, I am in the same situation and not sure if I should be giving advice but here goes....

 

 

I too neglected my wife on and off for the past few years due to emotional/mental health issues i have endured my whole life. I too had a realization this summer after a motorcycle crash that I had been a bad husband and wanted to be the husband she wanted. By then, I already saw signs of her being "gone" I had not seen before. I got very upset and did not confront her on those things. I tried to do it "my way" and start showing how I felt by doing little things. Well, about a month later, we got into a huge fight and I blew up because of all the things I knew she was involved in (EA with another guy, being with new friends and building her support system). She announced on a Monday she was leaving and moved out that Saturday. I stepped up and did everything I could as a man to show her I loved her and that if it was what she wanted to do then I would agree to it in hope of reconciliation. She however grew further apart from me as time went on. I went crazy but kept my composure, however she was still sending me signs of wanting to work it all out. We went to counseling a few times and the counselor said we needed IC before continuing. That's where it, I believe, got worse. I started on IC and even have started taking meds for my emotional issues (which she said was the first step to us being back together) and that very day she told me that she wanted a legal separation and divorce. I was shocked and angry, I went NC for a few weeks and she stopped showing anything to me except anger VIA e-mail. It has been almost 7 weeks since she left and she started to show signs of "coming back around" this past weekend but it wasn't anything solid I could see. I spoke to her yesterday about her talking to any males and she said she was only "friends" with her BF's brother and talked to him alot on the phone. I think she is probably involved in some way with this guy and regardless of how I show her I have changed it does not matter anymore. We have a son who has recently been diagnosed with a possible learning/developmental disability (within the past 2 weeks) and this still has not made her look at our marriage and the positive changes I have made. I don't think she wants anything to do with our marriage anymore....at least thats the signs.

 

My advice... let her know you want to make it work and save the marriage. Then, make changes to you and your life and then try to let her see them. Do not pressure her into anything and stop telling her you love her and want things to work after you initially conveince her of it. Then...let nature take it's course. I have learned that the more you try to make things happen the worse it will get and only push her further away.

 

Hope this helps...

 

J

Link to post
Share on other sites
And then she told me that she didn't love me anymore, that she wasn't attracted to me anymore and that, and that she wanted an open marriage or divorce.

When I was feeling that way about my now-ex, it MAY have helped with my own sadness, hurt and confusion if I had had access to the 'emotional needs' questionnaire at marriagebuilders.com

I don't know for sure, though, but it may be worth something to give her a print-out of it.

You could also complete it for yourself, and give her a copy of yours. As well, the 'love busters' questionnaire.

 

It could help you both to learn (or be reminded of) a few things about Self and the other. And perhaps that'll help you each find commonalities and all the positives that first brought you together.

 

Sending hugs and good wishes -- I do hope that there is hope for all of you.

 

EDIT TO ADD: What "finished" things for me was that he didn't DO anything...just sat around waiting for 'answers' to drop from the heavens. Even in counseling, he did that. So, go buy a book, share whatever you find on the internet -- give her CONCRETE demonstration that your really ARE trying and really WANT and are WILLING to do whatever it will take (within reason and resources, of course.) At a time like this, the words alone are quite meaningless, and can even breed more resentment and contempt. In my own experience.

Link to post
Share on other sites
TrustInYourself

What's the problem? What's the solution? Do you know the answers to these simple questions? I'm talking specifics.

Link to post
Share on other sites

OP, it sounds like you understand your responsibilities here. Make changes for yourself, to be healthier. If that brings your W back, icing.

 

If she has emotionally detached from you, prognosis is not optimistic. She chose to cheat; that's her responsibility. Take care of yourself and your children. IMO, don't try to figure her out. It's really not worth it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

OK...so you KNOW that your wife is seeing someone else, right?

 

She wants divorce or an open marriage because she's ALREADY seeing someone else, and wants to continue THAT relationship.

 

Find out what's going on, who it is. Go to marriagebuilders.com and read their free material there...read up about plan A and plan B.

 

Start trying to find out who she's seeing, how long its been going on, and get all the info you can.

 

Prepare for plan A as soon as you've got that information.

Link to post
Share on other sites
ryanrigney22

Sometimes the best step in getting her back is to let her go. There are some very controversial tactics that I could recommend, just check out my sig below.

Link to post
Share on other sites
But then a week ago I caught my wife trying to have an affair.

If you explain that statement you might get some better advice on how to proceed...

 

Mr. Lucky

Link to post
Share on other sites

My advice... let her know you want to make it work and save the marriage. Then, make changes to you and your life and then try to let her see them. Do not pressure her into anything and stop telling her you love her and want things to work after you initially conveince her of it. Then...let nature take it's course. I have learned that the more you try to make things happen the worse it will get and only push her further away.

 

+1 That's darn good advice!

 

Good luck to you both

Link to post
Share on other sites
Arise_Serpentor
What's the problem? What's the solution? Do you know the answers to these simple questions? I'm talking specifics.

 

Do something few people EVER try on here: Marriage Counseling!!! Because those are excellent questions you bring me up and I think that's the best start to get some answers!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites
TrustInYourself

LOL, I'm not here to counsel people. I'm not trained. However, I do enjoy spreading hope and best wishes. :laugh:

Link to post
Share on other sites

We are both seeing divorce lawyers in the next couple of weeks. She says that she is still confused but wants to see what her options are. I feer (with good reason) that I have lost my soulmate and the love of my life. Is there any hope?

 

 

She's probably seeing someone else now.. I would not assume "she's confused" right now.. she knows what she is doing. Take steps to protect yourself.. DO NOT be a nice guy and give her everything she wants during the divorce settlement on the hopes she will come back to the relationship! Go for as much custody as possible and as much of the assets as you can.

 

She wants an "open" marriage?? That means she is probably already involved with someone else and right now feels nothing romatic for you at all. Don't be a doormat, the only hope you have is to go balls out and get a divorce.. You can always get back together with her after the divorce on your terms if she wants..

 

Seriously, the best way to get her back (if she ever wants to come back) is to set her completely free.. trying to negotiate and plead will just prolong the pain.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
sadderdadnow

She has decided that she is 100% certain that she is filing for separation. This whole thing is killing me. My emotions are running up and down everyday I walk into the house and see her or when we pretend everything is normal for the children's sake. You know, go shopping together for clothes, food, etc.

 

The nail in my coffin is two things:

 

1. She tells me not to wait for her and that if I find someone who makes me happy I should take it.

 

2. She wouldn't hold anything that I did during our separation against me.

 

Those two things probably tell me everything I need to know. But in either case I still intend on working on myself and improving myself as a man, a father, and partner. Not for her but for me. I have done some soul-searching and I realize that there were things that were my fault.

 

But I also realize that she fits the profile of the runaway wife to a tee. And I realize that she has always been running from one relationship to the next. The kicker was when I found out she had been on the ashleymadison.com site to meet a guy. That is when I caught her attempting to cheat. If she was willing to do that, chances are that she had already cheated before anyone.

 

I am learning to let go. But it is hard. After 11 years together it is damn hard. And the heart wants what the heart wants but I need to let my head prevail.

Link to post
Share on other sites
TrustInYourself

Bingo. Power up your mind. Equip yourself to handle this rationally. Play the game. Do things to ignore her and those silly thoughts. Anything she does is trivial and doesn't mean anything, because you have the power to be happy. It's all up to you. It's all about realizing who you are. Reaching for that man you know you can be.

 

Ignore those thoughts when she tells you to go for other women and it's all forgotten. Just do what you think is best, not what you feel is best. Use your mind. Be calm. Relaxed. Own the situation, don't let it own you. Control your emotions, don't let them control you. Take it easy, brother. :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
sadderdadnow

Went to mediator today. She said she just doesn't think she can get those feelings for me back.

 

My point to her is I don't want you too. Look what those feelings got us. I want to develop new feelings, new emotions a new/stronger connection with you.

 

Also, found out she was text messaging that guy again. He was actually sending naked pictures of himself to her and they were planning a meeting so he could @#$@#$ her. His words not mine.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...