Jump to content

should I leave my menopausal wife because the sex has stopped?


Recommended Posts

Well that's the quandry. I love her but half of that love is sexual. It used to be mutual but, because of the menopause, now it's not. When I try to talk to her, she gets upset and insists she'll try to do something about it but the next day she's back to her usual sexless self and seemingly unconcerned about the cliff edge we're approaching.

 

I don't need medical advice. I've become an expert on hormones and the menopause and I know exactly what's causing all this but also, unfortunately, how little there is that anyone can do about it.

 

She still loves me and I think she thinks that'll be enough but I know that, for me, it won't.

 

I can feel the time coming when I'll have had enough and can't stand the sexual frustration of sharing a house and bed with someone I still fancy. I just don't know what to do and can't sort out the moral justification for leaving or the rational for staying

Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, sometimes it might appear that a person is "unconcerned" about a particular issue when the truth is that they just don't know what to do to begin to resolve it.

 

At the risk of sounding quite off the wall: Perhaps it is that your wife's deep beliefs about menopause are 'supporting' the way she is acting. NOT that there aren't hormones and chemicals that are part of it, just that sometimes we tell ourselves things about the hormonal and chemical changes...and then we "live up to" (or 'down' to) whatever it is that we tell ourselves.

 

Sort of a mind-over-matter deal. So perhaps you can help by sourcing some articles and such about 'positive' menopause experiences?

Perhaps "This is not your mother's menopause" by Trisha Posner, or something similar. (I haven't read that, though - it came up on a Google search I just did.)

 

Best of luck. I do hope that you both will find a mutually acceptable solution...that does not include divorce :).

Link to post
Share on other sites

Let me tell you as someone who has been through the menopausal thing.

Menopause is a veil that gets lifted. All of the crap that we used to take because we were blinded and distracted comes clear during menopause. All of a sudden she may be seeing things clearer. It may also be, as it was with me,that she has built up resentment. Menopause doesn't allow you to move past that. Thats why so many of us women file for divorce.

We count up the years and decide we want better treatment even if we have only 20 more minutes left to live. The first place to voice resentment is usually in the sex department. If a husband has been a prick even if she never said anything before she has got to get sick of it sometime. Cougars are what they're calling older women who are interested in younger men. They are women who have been through menopause and still want men but younger ones. Menopause is not the cause of disinterest in sex. If you don't have problems in the relationship she should get some good advice and treatment from her doctor. Get some counseling together and if she won't go you should go by yourself. I'd say you have some lack of communication and resentment issues going on.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You get no sex at all....?? Yeah, that would be a problem. I'd stop making it your problem and make it hers. Tell, her you don't want to be in a sexless marriage, that you want a divorce, but that your still willing to be good friends. Send her a wake-up call. It will at least rock the boat and let her know the severity of the problem.

 

Would you propose marriage to someone who wouldn't have sex with you? If not, why would you stay married to someone? yeah yeah.. I know you love her, but how does no sex the rest of your life sound? There are plenty of other woman out there seeking a nice sexed up guy!

 

Point blank - Can you live a fullfilling relationship with her for the rest of your life having no sex? If the answer is "No" then you need to move on.

 

If my spouse/partner had no interest in having sex, then we could just be friends.. sex is too great a part of life to throw away. Just my opinion.

Link to post
Share on other sites
TrustInYourself
Well that's the quandry. I love her but half of that love is sexual. It used to be mutual but, because of the menopause, now it's not. When I try to talk to her, she gets upset and insists she'll try to do something about it but the next day she's back to her usual sexless self and seemingly unconcerned about the cliff edge we're approaching.

 

I don't need medical advice. I've become an expert on hormones and the menopause and I know exactly what's causing all this but also, unfortunately, how little there is that anyone can do about it.

 

She still loves me and I think she thinks that'll be enough but I know that, for me, it won't.

 

I can feel the time coming when I'll have had enough and can't stand the sexual frustration of sharing a house and bed with someone I still fancy. I just don't know what to do and can't sort out the moral justification for leaving or the rational for staying

 

Love is what happens when mutual emotional and physical needs are met based on behaviors over time generating a chemical response.

 

Tell her no sex, no love. Capiche.

Link to post
Share on other sites

And I wonder....what if it were the husband who was having mid-life function issues and seemed less than enthused to trot off to see a doctor about his wang issues (or couldn't because of a heart problem)? Would we be telling his wife that she should forget her vows and go find it elsewhere? No sex = no love, right?

Last time I checked it was "in sickness and health; through good times and bad".

Physical intimacy isn't just sexual touch and penetration. If that isn't fulfilling enough to continue to communicate on this subject and help her get into see a doctor, then I'm willing to bet she's been without non-sexual physical intimacy for a while and pretty miffed about it by now.

The no sex = no love approach will probably just make her feel like this is the sorry reward for being with you all these years and make it even longer before she goes to see anyone about it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
And I wonder....what if it were the husband who was having mid-life function issues and seemed less than enthused to trot off to see a doctor about his wang issues (or couldn't because of a heart problem)? Would we be telling his wife that she should forget her vows and go find it elsewhere? No sex = no love, right?

Last time I checked it was "in sickness and health; through good times and bad".

Physical intimacy isn't just sexual touch and penetration. If that isn't fulfilling enough to continue to communicate on this subject and help her get into see a doctor, then I'm willing to bet she's been without non-sexual physical intimacy for a while and pretty miffed about it by now.

The no sex = no love approach will probably just make her feel like this is the sorry reward for being with you all these years and make it even longer before she goes to see anyone about it.

 

Doesn't sound like she has any function issues! Just doesn't feel like it and doesn't want to talk about it. Sex is hugely important. Especially when it's part of the deal that you're not allowed to go anywhere else to get it.

 

Some people have differing sexual libidos and that can have a major effect on maritial relations. All depends on whether sex is a big deal in your relationships. Some people are perfectly content having loving, non-sexual marriages, some people aren't.

 

If she won't communicate with him about it, then I'd say move on. If she wants a non-sexual relationship, just be friends..

Link to post
Share on other sites
And I wonder....what if it were the husband who was having mid-life function issues and seemed less than enthused to trot off to see a doctor about his wang issues (or couldn't because of a heart problem)? Would we be telling his wife that she should forget her vows and go find it elsewhere? No sex = no love, right?

 

If she is suffering from a physical ailment that prevents her from spreading her legs, then I agree. But even if I were suffering from limp dick, I'd still figure out a way to satisfy my wife. I would never expect my spouse to go the rest of her life without sex.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Well that's the quandry. I love her but half of that love is sexual. It used to be mutual but, because of the menopause, now it's not. When I try to talk to her, she gets upset and insists she'll try to do something about it but the next day she's back to her usual sexless self and seemingly unconcerned about the cliff edge we're approaching.

 

I don't need medical advice. I've become an expert on hormones and the menopause and I know exactly what's causing all this but also, unfortunately, how little there is that anyone can do about it.

 

She still loves me and I think she thinks that'll be enough but I know that, for me, it won't.

 

I can feel the time coming when I'll have had enough and can't stand the sexual frustration of sharing a house and bed with someone I still fancy. I just don't know what to do and can't sort out the moral justification for leaving or the rational for staying

 

My-my... I hear stories like yours all the time... from MM and even some of my friends (female) that are married but NOT interested in sex anymore.. (and they think their husbands will remain faithful :laugh:)...

 

I don't have any advice except get what you need on the side if you're not willing to give up your marriage and everything that come with it. (kids, finances, etc.)

 

I know some will say it is cheating.. YES.. so what.. she is also cheating you.. she's not respecting her side of the 'contract' why would you?

Link to post
Share on other sites
whichwayisup

Just keep in mind that if you divorce her, her menopause will eventually go away and she'll be very sexual so really think LONG term here and not day to day. IS your whole marriage, everything you've built with her, the life together, the kids - if you have any - family, inlaw, friends, neighbours - All of it - Do you really want to throw that away for someone new and for some hot sex?

 

It's your life and you're going to do what you're going to do...Just hope one day you don't look back and regret not trying other alternatives, counselling, medication or even good old masturbation...

Link to post
Share on other sites
TrustInYourself

LOL, love the women responses. Men have sex as their number one need in a relationship. Similar to women wanting their emotional needs met.

Link to post
Share on other sites
And I wonder....what if it were the husband who was having mid-life function issues and seemed less than enthused to trot off to see a doctor about his wang issues (or couldn't because of a heart problem)? Would we be telling his wife that she should forget her vows and go find it elsewhere? No sex = no love, right?

In your example, I'd tell the husband that, even if they can't have sex, they can still be sexual. To ignore your partner's sexual needs for an extended basis is selfish, wrong and ultimately destructive to the relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Whichwayisup,

 

What do you mean, the menopause will go away? How old are you? Once you lose any of the things you lose in the menopause, they never come back. Read any of the menopause forums, you won't find a single post saying "hey, guess what? I feel sexy again!" Half the posts on those sites solely concern women's lost libido and how's there's nothing they've been able to do about it.

 

I don't share any kids with my wife and the house is hers. We've been together seven years, the last year and a half of which have been 99% sexless and the three months completely so.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Whichwayisup,

 

What do you mean, the menopause will go away? How old are you? Once you lose any of the things you lose in the menopause, they never come back. Read any of the menopause forums, you won't find a single post saying "hey, guess what? I feel sexy again!" Half the posts on those sites solely concern women's lost libido and how's there's nothing they've been able to do about it.

 

I don't share any kids with my wife and the house is hers. We've been together seven years, the last year and a half of which have been 99% sexless and the three months completely so.

 

Thats sounds odd to me. I've read and heard from women my mother's age that once a woman gets on hormones, and perhaps gets past any of her own misguided ideas about sexuality after menopause, they are more like they were before. Maybe they never were much in to sex or their partner before the change and use it as an excuse for reprieve. Maybe they have some idea that after they are some dried up crone and it just isn't proper or they are no longer suppose to be sexual beings anymore. The walls of the vagina do thin out some and can make sex uncomfortable, so a slower pace, a caring partner and some lubricant can help with that. There are ways around most of the problems that can come from menopause. Hell, you can even still have kids now.

 

You sound impatient and like you just want out. You started off with the lack of sex being the issue, but then go on to site other reasons why there is no or less reason for you to stick by her. Could it be you are not invested in this relationship enough to weather this with her? You could just admit that; no one here knows you IRL.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Sally4Sara,

I left my wife and children for this woman, 7 years ago. It was the hardest most terrible thing I have ever done. I'm not religious but I feel that what I did has left a stain on my soul. But I did it because I loved her more than I'd ever loved anyone. We had both come out of sexually unsatisfying marriages and the joy of sex (no pun intended) that we found together was a delight to both of us. I still love her hugely and my sexual attraction to her hasn't diminished. It's just incredibly hard to be this frustrated all the time.

 

And I'm sorry but since it's obvious you're not menopausal, you're just peddling the youth-centric "sex after 50 is great" propaganda that the media has. Some women don't lose their libido at the menopause, that's not what I'm talking about. For those who do, nothing (currently) will bring it back.

 

Sex was a large part of why my wife and I got together. We both knew and agreed on that. For both of us it was an emotional and almost spiritual experience but now it's just me who feels this and I don't know how to live with it, living without it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Sally4Sara,

I left my wife and children for this woman, 7 years ago. It was the hardest most terrible thing I have ever done. I'm not religious but I feel that what I did has left a stain on my soul. But I did it because I loved her more than I'd ever loved anyone. We had both come out of sexually unsatisfying marriages and the joy of sex (no pun intended) that we found together was a delight to both of us. I still love her hugely and my sexual attraction to her hasn't diminished. It's just incredibly hard to be this frustrated all the time.

 

And I'm sorry but since it's obvious you're not menopausal, you're just peddling the youth-centric "sex after 50 is great" propaganda that the media has. Some women don't lose their libido at the menopause, that's not what I'm talking about. For those who do, nothing (currently) will bring it back.

 

Sex was a large part of why my wife and I got together. We both knew and agreed on that. For both of us it was an emotional and almost spiritual experience but now it's just me who feels this and I don't know how to live with it, living without it.

 

That you left your wife and kids for her isn't winning you any points in the I'm not fickle category. Maybe it left your current wife feeling burdened with shame too and that is part of the problem. The other part is probably more of what I said about her ideas of women's sexuality after menopause. You said your relationship is predominantly based on sex. If she feels like she isn't a sexual being anymore due to menopause, she is might be expecting you to look for a younger model to replace her with. Relationships that are primarily about sex always seem to crumble once a problem in that area arises.

You say you left your wife AND kids for her. So that makes your wife younger? Maybe your current wife thinks you'll go back to her.

Try talking about the relationship and how she feels about it without so much focus on the sex. You might be surprised at what she has to say.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Geishawhelk

I really cannot believe the crassness of some people who think that once a woman has gone beyond a certain phase in her life, she can be turfed onto the scrapheap as no longer of any use.

 

Two points to consider here:

Biology: If you know so much about it (as you claim in your first post) then you will naturally know that whilst you randy young bucks can carry on shagging until your lives reach twilight, women are made differently.

We have different needs, different priorities and different bodies.

if you don't like it, you should have thought of that before considering the woeful fate of your poor little appendage.

I'm sure were she to know your thoughts on the matter she would be so comforted by your kindness and consideration....

 

Marriage.

You know? That ceremony where you promise fidelity, support, through thick and thin? not just when you and your poor ego aren't getting any?

Find a porno magazine, lock yourself in the toilet and give your best little buddy a handshake.

Then get on with being the husband you should be, instead of the petulant, brattish shallow Moron you sound like.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Sex was a large part of why my wife and I got together. We both knew and agreed on that. For both of us it was an emotional and almost spiritual experience but now it's just me who feels this and I don't know how to live with it, living without it.

 

Reading this made me very sad. How horrible it must be to have left your family for this one person that you shared such passion with only to find a few years down the road that the fire that welded you together has burnt out.

 

To me, it sounds like you are still very much in love with your wife. Your concers are legitimate and so are your needs. I, too, would feel great frustration and an emptiness inside.

 

This may be temporary. She is going through a major transition in her life that is wreaking havoc on her body and emotions. Stand by her. Be patient. Perhaps she could talk to her doctor about HRT. She may well feel like her old self once the hormone upheaval is over and things settle down chemically.

 

In the meantime, talk to her, remind of what you once had, get her excited again, romance her, tell her you'll be there for her. Tell her how much you still desire her, want her, need her touch, need that spiritual connection that you once had. Look sexy for her. Wine and dine her. Go on a vacation together to some exotic island. Try everything and anything.

 

I, too, feel that sex with someone you love is a transcendental experience...an out of the body experience - the closest we'll ever come to the divine.

 

Don't give up on her. She needs you now more than ever.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm kind of surprised that you haven't come across vaginal creams in all of your research.

 

There are estrogen creams that can help. There is Premarin cream or Estrace, which contains estradiol.

 

There is an increasingly popular pre-emptive medication Vagifem. It is a tiny estrogen tablet that is inserted into the vagina. It is easily absorbed, locally, but not absorbed into the general bloodstream, so it does not carry the risks that overall hormone therapy present. Your wife can talk to her gynecologist about these.

 

Good luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites

There are estrogen creams that can help. There is Premarin cream or Estrace, which contains estradiol.

 

Yes, there are a many things she can do but form what I gather she just doesn't have the desire or the need.

 

How do you get that back?

Link to post
Share on other sites
foreverinlove

And I'm sorry but since it's obvious you're not menopausal, you're just peddling the youth-centric "sex after 50 is great" propaganda that the media has. Some women don't lose their libido at the menopause, that's not what I'm talking about. For those who do, nothing (currently) will bring it back.

 

 

 

 

That's not true, and I can speak from my own experience. My libido was practically nonexistant throughout my menopause. Fortunately, I had a very loving and understanding husband who helped me through it. Now my libido is through the roof and he has a hard time keeping up with me. By the way, I'm 60 years old.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Mustang Sally

I think it unlikely that if one finds sex an enjoyable activity/experience, that one would prefer to never engage in it.

Know what I mean?

 

I would ask the OP to consider this: is the sex over for her because of the physiologic changes of menopause (however founded or unfounded they may be)? Or because she no longer mentally and emotionally can get on an even sexual plane with you?

 

And then I would offer to you that none of us here will be able to answer this question for you. In fact, I would go so far as to say that it's entirely possible that you, yourself, will not even be able to answer this question (well...maybe you can - if you are really objective and honest with yourself). It likely will require you and your wife - working together - to answer the question.

 

Either way, I believe there is potential to work it out and recover the relationship. But, of course, that really just depends on how willing and open both of you are to repairing things - together.

 

Good luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I really cannot believe the crassness of some people who think that once a woman has gone beyond a certain phase in her life, she can be turfed onto the scrapheap as no longer of any use.

 

I agree that it is a close minded view, but some women think that about themselves. My mother's best friend pretty much sobbed for months at the drop of a hat thinking that she wasn't "vital" anymore. If the OP's wife has these misconceptions AND knows full well her marriage was founded on sex AND knows the OP is feeling low about leaving his ex wife and kids for her, geez! Would you feel sexy in that situation? I'm not going through menopause yet, but I don't know how sexy I'd be feeling myself!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Geishawhelk

Yes, I agree with you, Sally4Sara, but there's a minor difference...

 

For the woman it's a serious issue of self-esteem and personal image. Thjis is a particularly vulnerable time for any woman, and with hormones raging and going berserk, it's tough knowing which way is up sometimes...

For the man (who should be loving, reassuring and supportive) to be behaving this way is just - well, it's beyond words, really.

The OP claims that he understands all about menopause and what it means...

 

I don't need medical advice. I've become an expert on hormones and the menopause and I know exactly what's causing all this but also, unfortunately, how little there is that anyone can do about it.

 

Cerebrally, maybe. But emotionally? Sympathetically? he might as well be on a different planet.

He's got noooo idea.

Especially with the last comment....

"....how little there is that anyone can do about it."

 

The menopause is a biological occurrence and is largely unavoidable. but there is a great deal one can do about it.

masses.

 

All it needs is a bit of love, understanding, discussion and support.

 

Not callous disregard and thinking with your little nether trouser friend.....:mad:

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Mariena,

At least you seem to understand the nature of this. A lot of you others, sneering at my morals, you know nothing of my circumstances. You know nothing about how hard I tried with my previous marriage, nothing about how I'd go out alone in the car just so I could scream because things were so impossible. And my current wife is older than me, for those of you eagerly looking for cliches, and we're not married because she won't marry me.

 

I said I don't need medical advice. Of course I know about vagifem but my wife will not talk about anything to do with sex now, let alone actually do anything about it. Can I make it plain to you all, I'm a gentle, sensitive bloke but I'm angry, I'm not some sort of gorilla.

 

Along with the lack of libido goes all the lesser aspects of sex - no more kissing, no more hugs, no more sitting with me, no more wanting to do anything with me, no more compliments or saying anything nice or kind to me, no more talking (other than practical matters) to me, no more holding hands and so on.

 

Please note what I say in my original posting - this is a moral question for me. I love her and she says she loves me but she has closed off all avenues of communication. She will NOT discuss any aspect of it, and she will NOT seek any help from doctors or friends or even read about it. It takes me an hour to get maybe one sentence out of her and that's usually cryptic and she won't clarify it. What she gets upset about is the very fact of me trying to talk to her, not the content - we never get that far.

 

I'm very aware that menopausal women need TLC but I've had a year and a half of her being ****ty and irritable towards me and rejecting all my offers of TLC. An outside observer would see me trying and trying with this person and getting nothing in return. They would conclude that she doesn't love me but she insists she does.

 

Forever in Love,

I must say I'm amazed at your assertion. How do you account for it? Can I suggest that you look at a few menopause websites and see how rare you really are? OK, I believe you, but you really do represent a tiny percentage, most women really won't share your experience and would be very jealous of you.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...