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should I leave my menopausal wife because the sex has stopped?


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Old 23rd June 2008, 10:23 AM   #1
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should I leave my menopausal wife because the sex has stopped?

Well that's the quandry. I love her but half of that love is sexual. It used to be mutual but, because of the menopause, now it's not. When I try to talk to her, she gets upset and insists she'll try to do something about it but the next day she's back to her usual sexless self and seemingly unconcerned about the cliff edge we're approaching.

I don't need medical advice. I've become an expert on hormones and the menopause and I know exactly what's causing all this but also, unfortunately, how little there is that anyone can do about it.

She still loves me and I think she thinks that'll be enough but I know that, for me, it won't.

I can feel the time coming when I'll have had enough and can't stand the sexual frustration of sharing a house and bed with someone I still fancy. I just don't know what to do and can't sort out the moral justification for leaving or the rational for staying
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Old 23rd June 2008, 1:08 PM   #2
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Well, sometimes it might appear that a person is "unconcerned" about a particular issue when the truth is that they just don't know what to do to begin to resolve it.

At the risk of sounding quite off the wall: Perhaps it is that your wife's deep beliefs about menopause are 'supporting' the way she is acting. NOT that there aren't hormones and chemicals that are part of it, just that sometimes we tell ourselves things about the hormonal and chemical changes...and then we "live up to" (or 'down' to) whatever it is that we tell ourselves.

Sort of a mind-over-matter deal. So perhaps you can help by sourcing some articles and such about 'positive' menopause experiences?
Perhaps "This is not your mother's menopause" by Trisha Posner, or something similar. (I haven't read that, though - it came up on a Google search I just did.)

Best of luck. I do hope that you both will find a mutually acceptable solution...that does not include divorce .
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Old 24th June 2008, 5:35 PM   #3
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Cougars are menopausal too but they seek sex

Let me tell you as someone who has been through the menopausal thing.
Menopause is a veil that gets lifted. All of the crap that we used to take because we were blinded and distracted comes clear during menopause. All of a sudden she may be seeing things clearer. It may also be, as it was with me,that she has built up resentment. Menopause doesn't allow you to move past that. Thats why so many of us women file for divorce.
We count up the years and decide we want better treatment even if we have only 20 more minutes left to live. The first place to voice resentment is usually in the sex department. If a husband has been a prick even if she never said anything before she has got to get sick of it sometime. Cougars are what they're calling older women who are interested in younger men. They are women who have been through menopause and still want men but younger ones. Menopause is not the cause of disinterest in sex. If you don't have problems in the relationship she should get some good advice and treatment from her doctor. Get some counseling together and if she won't go you should go by yourself. I'd say you have some lack of communication and resentment issues going on.
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Old 24th June 2008, 5:49 PM   #4
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Hmmm..

You get no sex at all....?? Yeah, that would be a problem. I'd stop making it your problem and make it hers. Tell, her you don't want to be in a sexless marriage, that you want a divorce, but that your still willing to be good friends. Send her a wake-up call. It will at least rock the boat and let her know the severity of the problem.

Would you propose marriage to someone who wouldn't have sex with you? If not, why would you stay married to someone? yeah yeah.. I know you love her, but how does no sex the rest of your life sound? There are plenty of other woman out there seeking a nice sexed up guy!

Point blank - Can you live a fullfilling relationship with her for the rest of your life having no sex? If the answer is "No" then you need to move on.

If my spouse/partner had no interest in having sex, then we could just be friends.. sex is too great a part of life to throw away. Just my opinion.
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Old 24th June 2008, 5:59 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by nevstan View Post
Well that's the quandry. I love her but half of that love is sexual. It used to be mutual but, because of the menopause, now it's not. When I try to talk to her, she gets upset and insists she'll try to do something about it but the next day she's back to her usual sexless self and seemingly unconcerned about the cliff edge we're approaching.

I don't need medical advice. I've become an expert on hormones and the menopause and I know exactly what's causing all this but also, unfortunately, how little there is that anyone can do about it.

She still loves me and I think she thinks that'll be enough but I know that, for me, it won't.

I can feel the time coming when I'll have had enough and can't stand the sexual frustration of sharing a house and bed with someone I still fancy. I just don't know what to do and can't sort out the moral justification for leaving or the rational for staying
Love is what happens when mutual emotional and physical needs are met based on behaviors over time generating a chemical response.

Tell her no sex, no love. Capiche.
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Old 24th June 2008, 6:12 PM   #6
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And I wonder....what if it were the husband who was having mid-life function issues and seemed less than enthused to trot off to see a doctor about his wang issues (or couldn't because of a heart problem)? Would we be telling his wife that she should forget her vows and go find it elsewhere? No sex = no love, right?
Last time I checked it was "in sickness and health; through good times and bad".
Physical intimacy isn't just sexual touch and penetration. If that isn't fulfilling enough to continue to communicate on this subject and help her get into see a doctor, then I'm willing to bet she's been without non-sexual physical intimacy for a while and pretty miffed about it by now.
The no sex = no love approach will probably just make her feel like this is the sorry reward for being with you all these years and make it even longer before she goes to see anyone about it.
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Old 24th June 2008, 6:57 PM   #7
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And I wonder....what if it were the husband who was having mid-life function issues and seemed less than enthused to trot off to see a doctor about his wang issues (or couldn't because of a heart problem)? Would we be telling his wife that she should forget her vows and go find it elsewhere? No sex = no love, right?
Last time I checked it was "in sickness and health; through good times and bad".
Physical intimacy isn't just sexual touch and penetration. If that isn't fulfilling enough to continue to communicate on this subject and help her get into see a doctor, then I'm willing to bet she's been without non-sexual physical intimacy for a while and pretty miffed about it by now.
The no sex = no love approach will probably just make her feel like this is the sorry reward for being with you all these years and make it even longer before she goes to see anyone about it.
Doesn't sound like she has any function issues! Just doesn't feel like it and doesn't want to talk about it. Sex is hugely important. Especially when it's part of the deal that you're not allowed to go anywhere else to get it.

Some people have differing sexual libidos and that can have a major effect on maritial relations. All depends on whether sex is a big deal in your relationships. Some people are perfectly content having loving, non-sexual marriages, some people aren't.

If she won't communicate with him about it, then I'd say move on. If she wants a non-sexual relationship, just be friends..
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Old 24th June 2008, 7:11 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by sally4sara View Post
And I wonder....what if it were the husband who was having mid-life function issues and seemed less than enthused to trot off to see a doctor about his wang issues (or couldn't because of a heart problem)? Would we be telling his wife that she should forget her vows and go find it elsewhere? No sex = no love, right?
If she is suffering from a physical ailment that prevents her from spreading her legs, then I agree. But even if I were suffering from limp dick, I'd still figure out a way to satisfy my wife. I would never expect my spouse to go the rest of her life without sex.
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Old 24th June 2008, 7:28 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by nevstan View Post
Well that's the quandry. I love her but half of that love is sexual. It used to be mutual but, because of the menopause, now it's not. When I try to talk to her, she gets upset and insists she'll try to do something about it but the next day she's back to her usual sexless self and seemingly unconcerned about the cliff edge we're approaching.

I don't need medical advice. I've become an expert on hormones and the menopause and I know exactly what's causing all this but also, unfortunately, how little there is that anyone can do about it.

She still loves me and I think she thinks that'll be enough but I know that, for me, it won't.

I can feel the time coming when I'll have had enough and can't stand the sexual frustration of sharing a house and bed with someone I still fancy. I just don't know what to do and can't sort out the moral justification for leaving or the rational for staying
My-my... I hear stories like yours all the time... from MM and even some of my friends (female) that are married but NOT interested in sex anymore.. (and they think their husbands will remain faithful )...

I don't have any advice except get what you need on the side if you're not willing to give up your marriage and everything that come with it. (kids, finances, etc.)

I know some will say it is cheating.. YES.. so what.. she is also cheating you.. she's not respecting her side of the 'contract' why would you?
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Old 24th June 2008, 8:06 PM   #10
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Just keep in mind that if you divorce her, her menopause will eventually go away and she'll be very sexual so really think LONG term here and not day to day. IS your whole marriage, everything you've built with her, the life together, the kids - if you have any - family, inlaw, friends, neighbours - All of it - Do you really want to throw that away for someone new and for some hot sex?

It's your life and you're going to do what you're going to do...Just hope one day you don't look back and regret not trying other alternatives, counselling, medication or even good old masturbation...
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Old 24th June 2008, 8:53 PM   #11
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LOL, love the women responses. Men have sex as their number one need in a relationship. Similar to women wanting their emotional needs met.
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Old 25th June 2008, 2:17 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by sally4sara View Post
And I wonder....what if it were the husband who was having mid-life function issues and seemed less than enthused to trot off to see a doctor about his wang issues (or couldn't because of a heart problem)? Would we be telling his wife that she should forget her vows and go find it elsewhere? No sex = no love, right?
In your example, I'd tell the husband that, even if they can't have sex, they can still be sexual. To ignore your partner's sexual needs for an extended basis is selfish, wrong and ultimately destructive to the relationship...

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Old 25th June 2008, 9:16 AM   #13
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Whichwayisup,

What do you mean, the menopause will go away? How old are you? Once you lose any of the things you lose in the menopause, they never come back. Read any of the menopause forums, you won't find a single post saying "hey, guess what? I feel sexy again!" Half the posts on those sites solely concern women's lost libido and how's there's nothing they've been able to do about it.

I don't share any kids with my wife and the house is hers. We've been together seven years, the last year and a half of which have been 99% sexless and the three months completely so.
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Old 25th June 2008, 9:46 AM   #14
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Whichwayisup,

What do you mean, the menopause will go away? How old are you? Once you lose any of the things you lose in the menopause, they never come back. Read any of the menopause forums, you won't find a single post saying "hey, guess what? I feel sexy again!" Half the posts on those sites solely concern women's lost libido and how's there's nothing they've been able to do about it.

I don't share any kids with my wife and the house is hers. We've been together seven years, the last year and a half of which have been 99% sexless and the three months completely so.
Thats sounds odd to me. I've read and heard from women my mother's age that once a woman gets on hormones, and perhaps gets past any of her own misguided ideas about sexuality after menopause, they are more like they were before. Maybe they never were much in to sex or their partner before the change and use it as an excuse for reprieve. Maybe they have some idea that after they are some dried up crone and it just isn't proper or they are no longer suppose to be sexual beings anymore. The walls of the vagina do thin out some and can make sex uncomfortable, so a slower pace, a caring partner and some lubricant can help with that. There are ways around most of the problems that can come from menopause. Hell, you can even still have kids now.

You sound impatient and like you just want out. You started off with the lack of sex being the issue, but then go on to site other reasons why there is no or less reason for you to stick by her. Could it be you are not invested in this relationship enough to weather this with her? You could just admit that; no one here knows you IRL.
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Old 26th June 2008, 4:31 AM   #15
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Sally4Sara,
I left my wife and children for this woman, 7 years ago. It was the hardest most terrible thing I have ever done. I'm not religious but I feel that what I did has left a stain on my soul. But I did it because I loved her more than I'd ever loved anyone. We had both come out of sexually unsatisfying marriages and the joy of sex (no pun intended) that we found together was a delight to both of us. I still love her hugely and my sexual attraction to her hasn't diminished. It's just incredibly hard to be this frustrated all the time.

And I'm sorry but since it's obvious you're not menopausal, you're just peddling the youth-centric "sex after 50 is great" propaganda that the media has. Some women don't lose their libido at the menopause, that's not what I'm talking about. For those who do, nothing (currently) will bring it back.

Sex was a large part of why my wife and I got together. We both knew and agreed on that. For both of us it was an emotional and almost spiritual experience but now it's just me who feels this and I don't know how to live with it, living without it.
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