heart vs. mind....

[desertfire]

To everyone.... I am in need of your advice and opinions.

 

My wife of 9 years left me 8 months ago, claiming she needed space for her individuality and that I was stifling her (This came out in recent MC sessions). We had tried to work things out but she didn't put any effort into it. She left and then concluded that she wanted someone more compatible for her "love-life arena" and asked for a divorce. Through the months that followed we mediated a settlement through an attorney of her choice, wanting things to be amicable, but never filed. There was no pressure for filing being that things were going to take their course...

 

Now that I am done with the background.... on to the real issue at hand.

 

My STBEXW was a very sweet person and we were basically lost in eachother for the first 3 years of our marriage. After that things went downhill as she climbed the corporate ladder and her family moved into townover the next 5 years we kept going, but our intimate and personal lives eroded gradually to the point where basically we were excellent mates/friends, but not "lovers" in our marriage. She took a more hard-fast stance on our intimacy that "there is no woman that wont give it if the man knows how to ask for it". Adding to this was her increased need to be independent, have her own finances in order (after 8 years of being joint). She became determined on wanting her way with things, and I slowly withdrew in our relationship, being that there was no way to communicate with her (and God knows I have tried) . We went to counseling and it became a bashing session about me and she didn't put any effort into it, ending up in her leaving me one day.

 

There have been a series of life-altering events for her in the past months and I believe that she is seriously regretting her decision and is wanting to reconcile. I recommended we go to marriage counseling to truly identify our issues and see where we stand, being that time makes things look more clear. This has been going on for the past 3 weeks and is starting to take shape. I indicated that my intention of the MC is to truly determine our personality differences and understand where our "incompatibilities" lie, so that we can make an effective decision in terms of our relationship since I do not want to and can not go through this again. She seems to be supportive and has apologized for all of the things she did and the hurt that she has caused me. I do forgive her for her actions, but let me say that it does not take the hurt away.

 

To add, I began seeing someone in January, completely unexpected and unplanned for. We have continued seeing eachother and have grown close, have very much in common, and are "in tune". My GF is the same age as my STBEXW, and both are 2 years younger than me (just in case that plays a factor in your opinions). We see eye-to-eye on things and she has been very supportive through the past months in dealing with the situation, fully understanding that I am dealing with things with my STBEXW.

 

The truth of the matter is that I do have feelings for my STBEXW. I love her for the person she used to be and still see bits and pieces of the "her" that I keep thinking about. On the other hand I also have feelings for my GF and have a certain "attachment" to her. What it boils down to though is that I feel two different kinds of happiness with either and am trying to understand my heart vs. my mind in the grand scheme of things. My conscience is throwing the "warning" signs up anytime I am around my ex, and at the same time it is telling me that I shouldn't throw away the 8 years we have been together. At the same time, my heart is feeling for my ex, sympathizing for her situation seeing her broken down, and my heart is also feeling for my GF because she is also a good natured person and it is like starting new.

 

At the same time that I want to start new, I don't want to break my ex's heart... I am torn and need some advice.

 

I appreciate your help.

[Billy Bob]

Stay away from the "ex"! There were reasons you seperated, don't forget them. Of course ex's always seem to want you back once you appear happy and are moving on???

 

Your ex left you once and could do it again.. that's not the type of commitment you want from a relationship.

[Untouchable_Fire]

At the same time, my heart is feeling for my ex, sympathizing for her situation seeing her broken down, and my heart is also feeling for my GF because she is also a good natured person and it is like starting new.

At the same time that I want to start new, I don't want to break my ex's heart... I am torn and need some advice.

I appreciate your help.

 

Why would you go back to your ex? Just because you spent 8 years together... 5 of them were miserable... and... SHE LEFT YOU!

 

Now, I'm not going to tell you who to pick, but I think you should make the choice right away... and never look back.

[smileysmile]

[QUOTStay away from the "ex"! There were reasons you seperated

 

How many times have I read this statement?

 

All reasons are different. Mine left me for what I did. I need to change...so yes that was the reason she left..my behaviour which I do fully recognise and acknowledge

[EMBeee]

I would say that there is a reason that she is your "ex". It's ok to still love her because you have a history with one another... but do you love "her"... or do you love the "idea" of her? Just because of my experiences and all the stuff I've been through, If the ex left you once, they are more than likely to leave again! If they weren't happy and wanted to leave, they will still be unhappy. Some people you just can't please. Plus, I don't think it would be very fair to the new lady in your life... to lead her on to think that there is something special between the two of you and then in the back of your mind still want to be with the ex. How cruel is that?

 

Like I said, it's ok to still love your ex and you can definately still be friends with her, but it's probably a bad idea to get "back" with her... you'll probably end up hurt again.