Separated for 8 months... Stuck in a rut

[dcoulson]

There's a lot to this (as always), but I'll give the basics.

 

August 2007 - W told me she wanted some 'space'. We all know what that really means. I did some poking around, found out there was a guy at work (he's 21, she's 36) that she was spending a lot of time with. Confronted her, she said nothing was going on, blah blah. I get her to go to MC a couple of times, but she basically just says "I don't know" all the time.

 

September 2007 - She decides she wants to move out. Throughout September and October she comes home from work every Friday a total wreck. Things actually get better between us, and we go out together a couple of times without our daughter (20mo right now).

 

October 2007 - She goes out of town for a week, then when she returns she wants to work on us again. Wants us to date, etc. I'm hopeful, but not overly excited. She stays on the same page for a few days, until she comes home a total mess after wrecking her car. I make her a psych appt for the following Monday and she goes - He gives her Welbutrin XL for depression. She moves out the last weekend in October. The first Monday she is moved out she invites me out for dinner, then dinner at her house the next evening. This has turned into a common thing.

 

November 2007 - More of the same. Invites me over for Thanksgiving.

 

Dec 2007 - Now - Pretty much the same thing. We split time with our daughter equally, but we both end up trading days here and there. She still talks to OM, but AFAIK they never do anything together. Pretty much once a month since December she'll tell me that she isn't talking to him anymore (she still insists he is a friend - I've never had such a turmoils friendship). Of course, she'll fall right back into the old routine.

 

Neither of us have filed for divorce, or even legal separation. She has made a few threats about divorce, but never actually followed through. We pretty much don't fight or argue anymore - Once in a great while when there is some chaos with OM, she'll take it out on me, but that's it. She'll tell me she doesn't want us to spend time together anymore, or whatever, then a few days later she'll call me and ask if I want to get dinner.

 

Everyone is going to tell me not to spend time with her, go dark, and so forth. Obviously something has to change in this whole situation. I've been trying to follow the strategies from the 'Divorce Busters' book, but I seem to have ended up in some sort of sick limbo.

 

Any suggestions?

[Tripper]

Any suggestions?

 

Do you like living like this?? Do you think you're worth more than being treated like this??

 

When you are ready you will make the decision to take control of your life again.

 

If it were up to me, I would tell her to **** or get off the pot. It's been long enough. I would also get the necessary legal documents in place so that I had access to my child etc.

[PWSX3]

Sounds like things are working well for her. She has her boy toy & when that isn't going as well as "she" thinks they should then she comes back to the old stand by.

 

Question is do you want to be the "stand by"?

 

This is an easy situation for her because she can see both of you when things are good, but when things aren't going well with one then she goes to the other. I feel some of the way she is acting is just an act to make you feel sorry for her so she can still have her cake & eat it too.

 

Like Tripper said; you have to decide what you are welling to put up with, are you happy living like this?

 

It might be a good time to lay down the law & let her know how you feel & then tell her what you are going to do about it.

[dcoulson]

Sounds like things are working well for her. She has her boy toy & when that isn't going as well as "she" thinks they should then she comes back to the old stand by.

 

Question is do you want to be the "stand by"?

 

Not at all - That said, if I could solve the problems in the relationship, then I would rather do that than turn my back on it.

 

This is an easy situation for her because she can see both of you when things are good, but when things aren't going well with one then she goes to the other. I feel some of the way she is acting is just an act to make you feel sorry for her so she can still have her cake & eat it too.

 

Like Tripper said; you have to decide what you are welling to put up with, are you happy living like this?

 

I'm not happy with the way things are - I'm going to take some steps this week so I can work on myself more and do things that are better for me as an individual, rather than trying to smooth everything over with my W.

 

It might be a good time to lay down the law & let her know how you feel & then tell her what you are going to do about it.

 

How do I do that without slamming the door in her face?

[stampdaddy]

How do I do that without slamming the door in her face?

 

There is not a "literal" door, just a "I aint takin' this sh*t no more door".. You CAN move forward, without killing off the marriage (by the way, SHE is the one doing that..). I guarantee you that if you take 4 or 5 steps away from her, she'll be grabbin your ankles in no time.. Just make sure you walk far enough that true changes can happen, EITHER WAY.. You can't react to the first little pull, you have to wait.. You have already been doing that, hence the fence she sits upon..

[suffragette13]

to solve the problems in your "relationship"-- for the better part of a YEAR. Relationship= two people relating to each other. She lies to you, moves out and basically treats you like a puppet on a string. Please take it from me, there are so many girls out there who would give anything to know a man who was a loving, devoted father.

 

When you find yourself in the position of being the one who is always "giving" or "trying to work things out" you are basically SOL. Has she ever once come to you and said that she is truly sorry for the pain she has caused you and wants to do absolutely anything she can t make it up to you? No?

 

Then she doesn't want things to change. hence, she's going to keep jerking you around. Having a young child and going through this kind of sh*t is so excruciating. But think about it... she abandoned you both really. For a 21 year old guy? She is LYING if she says they aren't screwing. Are you using protection?

 

I'm sorry, I just, I've been through it. My X's & my divorce is postponed until NEXT March. He told me when he kicked me & my kids out that "we could always get back together..." and when the woman he left me for saw who he really was, she dumped him. And then he came crawling back to me, crying like a pussy. And I was so glad and afraid and hopeful and pissed... and he was lying. He had a skank on the side the whole time. And he never truly committed to working things out with me, really, even though that's what he was telling me so he could still be around. He would still run hot and cold, and insult me with a smile on his face. I was so confused. He didn't want to "give up hanging out with me..." ie screwing me. So he was cheating on me and the skank. Ego trippin' on both of us. And I a the mother of his kids, don't I at least deserve a little respect and consideration? I mean, just for my health, he won't care for them, what if something happened to me? But no, the boost was more than he could resist and he was treating me like any othe skank booty call ho. It still makes me SICK.

 

Hopefully, your situation is not as sad and disgusting as mine. But this is what I've decided. My kids need a role model and a protector. He is too egotistical and stupid to put them ahead of his own selfish desires. So you know what? I'm going to. And what's more my babes gorgeous faces mean more to me than he does.

 

Try to look at her for what she truly is. Don't listen to what she says, look at what she has DONE.

 

Think about it this way, your daughter is a grown woman and a man has done to her exactly what your wife has done to you. What would you do? What would you think? I'm not recommending you have some big fight and threaten her. that never works. Just walk away. Don't talk to her (unless it's about your baby), don't sleep with her, no dinner, nothing. It will drive her crazy and force the situation to conclude.

 

That being said, you won't do it until you're ready. I moved out at the end of last June, knew he was "in love with some one else at the end of April. (Got that tidbit on my Birthday, FYI) It has taken me until now to really start to get a grip. And it's worse. She is not being nice to jerk you around like this, it is unmerciful and sheer narcissism. I still mourn my husband. The thing that sucks is, I really did love him, I really did give it my best. There was NOTHING I could do. No right combination of words, no physical improvement, nothing.

 

Ok, I'll stop my rant now.

 

I wish the best for you and your little daughter.

Edited March 23, 2008 by suffragette13

[PWSX3]

Don't get me wrong I feel everyone should give every thing they can to keep a marriage together.

 

My wife & I separated for 7 months but after one month of NC (her choice) we started talking again, started going to MC & worked on things. We both did our part to get back together.

 

I feel you are the one that is trying & until she gets rid of the boy toy then she is not working on your relationship. If she has been doing this since the beginning then I don't feel she wants to work on it so like you said; it is time to move ahead with life.

 

As for you working on things for yourself that is awesome, even if this doesn't work out the way you hope it does making yourself a better person will help in your next relationship & even just life in general.

 

Did you ever read ilmw's thread? Him & his w were separated for a long time & as far as I know they are back together & doing well, she was the one that moved out but she didn't have a boy toy waiting for her.

[Gunny376]

Don't get me wrong I feel everyone should give every thing they can to keep a marriage together.

 

My wife & I separated for 7 months but after one month of NC (her choice) we started talking again, started going to MC & worked on things. We both did our part to get back together.

 

I feel you are the one that is trying & until she gets rid of the boy toy then she is not working on your relationship. If she has been doing this since the beginning then I don't feel she wants to work on it so like you said; it is time to move ahead with life.

 

As for you working on things for yourself that is awesome, even if this doesn't work out the way you hope it does making yourself a better person will help in your next relationship & even just life in general.

 

Did you ever read ilmw's thread? Him & his w were separated for a long time & as far as I know they are back together & doing well, she was the one that moved out but she didn't have a boy toy waiting for her.

 

 

Man! The growth you've acheived over the last year and a half is nothinhg short of amazing, Perrry?! Your not even the same guy you were a year and half ago?

[dcoulson]

Then she doesn't want things to change. hence, she's going to keep jerking you around. Having a young child and going through this kind of sh*t is so excruciating. But think about it... she abandoned you both really. For a 21 year old guy? She is LYING if she says they aren't screwing. Are you using protection?

 

I would agree that the situation has gone well beyond insanity, but it is what it is. I have no idea if she wants things to change between us, from where we are right now - It's certainly not healthy for either of us long term to continue where we are right now.

 

My W and OM really have no 'relationship'. I highly doubt they ever went beyond being friends, although W wanted more - I don't believe he did. My W and I have not been 'together' since we separated, so I'm not concerned about that. I do not believe she has been with anyone since then either.

 

You sound like your feelings have gone from love to rage - That's where I am heading now. Not sure if that is any more healthy or not. We'll see how things go.

[dcoulson]

There is not a "literal" door, just a "I aint takin' this sh*t no more door".. You CAN move forward, without killing off the marriage (by the way, SHE is the one doing that..). I guarantee you that if you take 4 or 5 steps away from her, she'll be grabbin your ankles in no time.. Just make sure you walk far enough that true changes can happen, EITHER WAY.. You can't react to the first little pull, you have to wait.. You have already been doing that, hence the fence she sits upon..

 

You're right - I'm going to start distancing myself for her. Not sure if it is the right time or not, since she seems to be having a tough time at the moment (I think has cut off contact with OM and trying to figure out her way through it all). Maybe pulling away right now is the right thing to do. I'm really not sure. We had dinner together tonight, but we have nothing planned for the future, so this is perfect opportunity to avoid contact with her.

 

I'm just not sure if I need to be more available for her right now, or if she is in such a mess that she wouldn't even notice anyway.