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Grad school ruining marriage


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Old 11th March 2008, 3:49 PM   #16
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What "stress related" illness is it?
Kinda wierd esp seeing as she is probably studying all these illnesses- is it bona fide?
I am a health professional and I have always had time for BFs, even made time for a LDR during a year of a very very intensive specialist training programme that included 24hr shifts, nights and weekend work as well as exams. I was earning at the same time too.

I can kinda appreciate your Ws situation in the fact that she resents being dependent on you- I have always been ferociously independent, but this year my fiance and i are saving for a house so we are living off his income and saving mine. It means I have to ask him for money, which grates me sometimes, because I feel I need to justify it to him and I resent being dependent on anyone. But we have had a couple of fights about it and talked it through and things are OK now.

Its a little different to your situation, but I can see it from both sides- mainly yours.
Your W needs TIME OUT from studying otherwise she will burn out. Thats important for her personally as well as your marriage.
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Old 11th March 2008, 4:16 PM   #17
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My resentment just started.

You try being 100% behind someone like I have, see how long you last.
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Old 11th March 2008, 4:17 PM   #18
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Its sounding like she has put you in a 'parent' role instead of a 'husband' one, and worse yet it sounds like she feels entitled to that. I'm curious as to see what she will do when grad school is over. It isn't sounding good. It sounds like one of those situations where one spouse puts the other through school and when they get settled into a career and are making good money, they ask for a divorce.
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Old 11th March 2008, 4:21 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by LucreziaBorgia View Post
Its sounding like she has put you in a 'parent' role instead of a 'husband' one, and worse yet it sounds like she feels entitled to that. I'm curious as to see what she will do when grad school is over. It isn't sounding good. It sounds like one of those situations where one spouse puts the other through school and when they get settled into a career and are making good money, they ask for a divorce.
^^^^ bingo! That is one of my fears.

However, strickly speaking from a asset position, everything is locked up in trust. Any and all assets are impossible to obtain.
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Old 11th March 2008, 4:25 PM   #20
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You talk about your wife's anger, but your anger at her is rolling in waves off my monitor. Your wife feels your anger and resentment, but realistically what can she do about it right now? It sounds to me like she is hanging on for dear life.
No kidding.

I've just recently become fed up after such giving, giving, and giving. It is not healthy. When one become frustrated, they become angry. I am a human.

Her entire personality has changed and a long time ago. I have tried everything for a months and months. I have been patient. I have asked to talk with her. She has made promises, then forgot them. Nothing has worked.

So....I'm just going to shut down. Of course, she'll get angry about that too. Blame me for not being supportive, etc.

I am sick of being in 3rd place.

I can't win.

Last edited by 1975ville; 11th March 2008 at 4:28 PM..
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Old 11th March 2008, 4:35 PM   #21
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No kidding.

I've just recently become fed up after such giving, giving, and giving. It is not healthy. When one become frustrated, they become angry. I am a human.

Her entire personality has changed and a long time ago. I have tried everything for a long time. Nothing has worked.

So....I'm just going to shut down. Of course, she get pissed off about that too. Blame me for not being supportive, etc.

I can't win.
Of course you can win! Do you honestly think you are the only one who has gone through this?

I'm not going to give you the details, but I walked in your shoes for about nine freaking long years. My issue wasn't school but job hours.

I ranted, raged, left, came back, gave up, fell out of love, gained weight, lost weight, and fell back in love....been there and done that.

I'm not trying to appear to be unsympathetic to your situation, but sometimes the smallest things or gestures can turn a situation around in the blink of an eye.

What changed for me? I literally got my own life within the marriage, and he got to a place where the hours weren't so god awful.

How about calling a truce for a week or a month and see where things go?
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Old 11th March 2008, 4:37 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by LucreziaBorgia View Post
they get settled into a career and are making good money, they ask for a divorce.
Well, I can't stop her. And I certainly can bargain or reason for love. I'd hate to see her go and don't believe in divorce for religious purposes, but I'm not going to let it destroy my life. I don't and can't control her.

This is my life and I'm not going to let someone else manage my emotions and expectations. I'm in my early 30s, with a great career ahead of me, with an awesome house, in a great part of town and in excellent physical shape.

What happens, happens. I just want her to make her mind if she is with me or not. I get the sense that she loves me but she won't fight for me. She has too much pride that came from somewhere before we met. She's always had this wall. She admit she won't communicate.

She only has a few more months of school but then she has a major certification that will require the majority of the summer, then she'll have to acclimate to her job......it just goes on and on.

When I started my profession, I had intense stress and emotional turmoil. Sometimes I'd bill late into the morning but I'd always apologize and make it up to her. I always told her it wouldn't be much longer and let her know she was #1.

She has not done the same.
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Old 11th March 2008, 4:41 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by Kasan View Post
Of course you can win! Do you honestly think you are the only one who has gone through this?

I'm not going to give you the details, but I walked in your shoes for about nine freaking long years. My issue wasn't school but job hours.
A truce?! The implies there was a conflict, argue, debate, yelling. etc.

You don't get it, WE ARE NOT FIGHTING. I have been enduring her rage for a long time.

As for 9 years you endured, I ask why did it last that long?
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Old 11th March 2008, 4:47 PM   #24
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A truce?! The implies there was a conflict, argue, debate, yelling. etc.

You don't get it, WE ARE NOT FIGHTING. I have been enduring her rage for a long time.

As for 9 years you endured, I ask why did it last that long?
Because I had children, and in spite of the hours, he was/is a good man.

He never crossed my proverbial line in the sand that I had--but believe me, I was waiting for him to do it.

I can see that I'm not giving you the advice that you need, so I am going to wish you the best with your situation.
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Old 11th March 2008, 4:47 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by 1975ville View Post
A truce?! The implies there was a conflict, argue, debate, yelling. etc.

You don't get it, WE ARE NOT FIGHTING. I have been enduring her rage for a long time.

As for 9 years you endured, I ask why did it last that long?
Yeah, I was wondering about the 9 years, as well. One of the many problems my H and I have is him being a workaholic. I can't imagine enduring it for 9 years. Then again, like I said, we have many other issues we are dealing with. Maybe I'm just really impatient.
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Old 11th March 2008, 4:48 PM   #26
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Because I had children, and in spite of the hours, he was/is a good man.

He never crossed my proverbial line in the sand that I had--but believe me, I was waiting for him to do it.

I can see that I'm not giving you the advice that you need, so I am going to wish you the best with your situation.
So are you still married?
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Old 11th March 2008, 4:51 PM   #27
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So are you still married?
Yes--25+years
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Old 11th March 2008, 4:59 PM   #28
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Thanks for the advice.

I suppose I will call truce and continue to endure another semester of hatred, bitterness, insult, injury, anger, rage, no sex....all the while she holds her hand out for money for lunch with her friends.

Or I can wait for another phone call at 2am from her "study buddies" house telling me she can't drive home because she is drunk, covered in vomit, and passed out on the floor (true story).

Sure, I'll just swallow my pride when I fork out another FRICKEN HUGE CHECK for tuition for her school.

But I digress.

Truce seems to be a euphemism for taking a huge bite of crap sandwich.

No ma'am, I ain't ah enduring 9 years of this, believe you me miss.
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Old 11th March 2008, 5:04 PM   #29
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Originally Posted by 1975ville View Post
Thanks for the advice.

I suppose I will call truce and continue to endure another semester of hatred, bitterness, insult, injury, anger, rage, no sex....all the while she holds her hand out for money for lunch with her friends.

Or I can wait for another phone call at 2am from her "study buddies" house telling me she can't drive home because she is drunk, covered in vomit, and passed out on the floor (true story).

Sure, I'll just swallow my pride when I fork out another FRICKEN HUGE CHECK for tuition for her school.

But I digress.

Truce seems to be a euphemism for taking a huge bite of crap sandwich.

No ma'am, I ain't ah enduring 9 years of this, believe you me miss.
I don't blame you for not wanting to be #3 anymore. I think it's ridiculous that she puts her "study buddy" above you. More power to anyone who could take it for 9 years, but I'm with you, I couldn't do it!
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Old 11th March 2008, 5:58 PM   #30
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Originally Posted by 1975ville View Post
My resentment just started.

You try being 100% behind someone like I have, see how long you last.
Hey man you don't need to be so hostile towards me... I
said I can appreciate your wifes situation with regards to being financially dependent on someone, but I am behind you 100% for the rest of it.

Here is my post again because I don't think you read it properly.

Relevant points highlighted in bold/ underlined.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sb129 View Post
What "stress related" illness is it?
Kinda wierd esp seeing as she is probably studying all these illnesses- is it bona fide?
I am a health professional and I have always had time for BFs, even made time for a LDR during a year of a very very intensive specialist training programme that included 24hr shifts, nights and weekend work as well as exams. I was earning at the same time too.

I can kinda appreciate your Ws situation in the fact that she resents being dependent on you- I have always been ferociously independent, but this year my fiance and i are saving for a house so we are living off his income and saving mine. It means I have to ask him for money, which grates me sometimes, because I feel I need to justify it to him and I resent being dependent on anyone. But we have had a couple of fights about it and talked it through and things are OK now.

Its a little different to your situation, but I can see it from both sides- mainly yours.
Your W needs TIME OUT from studying otherwise she will burn out. Thats important for her personally as well as your marriage.

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