begining of the end?

[ironman1977]

hello everyone,I am new here.

I will start off by saying that i have never done anything like this before and this is very hard for me.

I met my wife in high school 15 and a half yrs ago. we dated and fell in love. we had our ups and downs like any teenage couple but had alot of good times. when she was 16yrs she was pregnant(unplanned). it was the hardest thing to deal with for both of us,we were just kids afterall. we had a beautiful little girl. i worked full time and she took care of our daughter along with her mother and completed high school. we moved in together and things were going pretty good although she had a hard time being a young mother and practicly being "dumped" by her friends because she had a child to care for and i was working graveyard shift. anyway, we worked together and had alot of good times. i changed jobs and was making more money and we started to talk about family so 5 yrs later we decided to have another child. we put off getting married because of the expense and agreed that we wanted to have a family while we were young and have the kids close together in age.she started to work part time and i continued working full time through all this. we saved money and bought a house, decided to have one more child,and we did 4 yrs ago. finally with a house and children and some toys and a little money in the bank we got married 3yrs ago.i felt complete,and i think she did too. we shrared so many good times over the last 15 yrs...so many good and not so good memories.things have been pretty good in this relationship for both of us.

things were good till about 1 1/2 ago when i could tell something was not right. she had started a new job. it is late shift and with me working days we do not spend much time together. she came home one night and told me that she had feelings for her boss.i was devastated. but she assured me that it was nothing more and that she loves me. she suggested counselling so we went.we did not tell the counsellor about her feeling because she did not want anyone to know,however we did discuss how we felt like we were drifting apart because of opposite shifts and being so busy with the kids. about 6 mths went by and we started to feel better about each other, i was dealing with the fact that she had feelings for someone else but they would not lead to anything. she told me the feelings are gone. just a crush is what she said.

we moved past that and had a great summer spending time together and with the kids as a family and we both felt good and happy.

towards the end of this summer i could tell something wasn't right. at the time i had no clue but i was bothered because i could tell...we talked alot and she said everything was good and she was happy. this fall i was still disturbed by something....i thought something was wrong with me because i felt depressed and i felt something wasn't right. finally she broke down one night and told me she doesn't feel "in love" with me anymore and that she thinks we should seperate.

now, i am sure she is not in love with anyone else...we have talked about this. i know she has not cheated on me.i have not cheated on her. she wants to be happy and she is not happy with me anymore.

we have told the kids that we need to spend time apart and we assured them that none of this is their fault and that we love them very much.

almost 2 mths ahve past and she is still living at home, however we do not see each other except for the weekend nad we no longer talk on the phone. she wants to move out but cannot find a place. we have seperated the accounts and credit cards.

i have taken control of the household chores and groceries, taking care of the children while she works.

i still love her.....i want her to love me. i want to do what is best but i don't want to get used either. she has lots of friend to spend time with and to talk to....i have very few that i can talk to and have no time to spend with anyone.

i am at the point where i want her to move out so i can try to move on....but i really want her to change her mind and work with me to try and save our relationship.

[bestadvisor]

i thought something was wrong with me because i felt depressed and i felt something wasn't right. finally she broke down one night and told me she doesn't feel "in love" with me anymore and that she thinks we should seperate.

 

The chance of her not having an affair or had an affair is slim to none. Look around and OPEN your eyes.

 

now, i am sure she is not in love with anyone else...we have talked about this. i know she has not cheated on me.

 

Do you really think a cheater is not going to be a liar?

 

 

she has lots of friend to spend time with and to talk to.....

 

Look into her friends and people she works with, you will see that one guy will stand out in terms of the frequency of communication, etc. Have you ever look at her cell phone statement to see whom she called? Have you ever have access to her email account to see her emails? Those are the places to start.

[Rocky69]

I am so sorry IronMan. I can't begin to imagine the pain that you are going through. I understand that you may need to know if she has cheated on you, but to be honest, in my opinion cheating is a symptom of a relationship breakdown. Does it really matter at this point? I agree with you best advisor, she may have. But having found my husband in bed with another woman, I was forced to analyze my relationship with him and if I was really happy in the relationship outside of the incident. You do not cheat if everything is great in your relationship.

 

It is a difficult decision to make to give or to keep trying, but Ironman, if you start accessing her e-mail, spying on her and her friends you will wreck any chance you have of being with her, if that is what you want. If it isn't, then knowing doesn't make it any easier. My husband could have cheated many times, I don't know. I choose not to know because all that does is devalue all of the memories that I have of us. I chose to remember the good times and let go of the uncertainty and hurt. And if you are going to try to work it out, you will not rebuild any trust by going through all of her personal things.

 

I can hear the pain in your words Ironman. Big hugs and stay strong.

[jesslindy]

I'm sorry Ironman, but rocky's post is completely wrong.

 

You have to know all of the information so you can make an informed decision. To be honest, based on your story, you have a very small chance that your wife isnt or hasnt cheated on you. Listen to BestAdvisor. My wife denies it to this day, even with the proof right in her face. She will take it to her grave, but it doesnt make it any less true.

 

You are going to find out someday anyway, and when you do, wouldn't you rather have known about it now. Because it will have to be handled for you to even have a fighting chance to save your marraige. The only thing you will get out of not knowing the truth, is your self-respect being demolished when you do find out, and you will feel stupid and like a chump. Someone who even has the capability of cheating and lying to you, after all you have built up, isn't a person you really at the end of the day need to be with, right? Not if she can't fess-up, move forward and act like a real woman about it and apologize and make every move to reconcile.

 

Don't get me wrong, a marraige can be saved after all of this, but if the right moves aren't played on BOTH sides, then sorry but her leaving and cheating will eat away at you like nothing before, if she cant come through with some reconciliation moves and make you feel secure.

 

It sounds like you have done a good job dealing in all of this, so good. But ask yourself this. Do you think you have any chance to save your marraige if your wife has interest in another man? The plain answer to that is NO!!! Your ONLY chance to save your marraige is to break up any affair that might be happening, and that's why you need to know. That's why you need to know.

 

You know what? Its going to hurt like none other ever has if its true. But so what. It will make you a stronger man, if you decide to use your pain and anger into building yourself up and motivate you to not be disrespected by someone who lies and cheats. Grab your nuts off the mantle, find out if she's being unfaithful, so you can make an informed decision. She has already spoken to you in "cheaters code" if you will, when she said shes not "in Love" wiht you anymore.

 

One last thing, if your going to ask "Why is everyone so dead set she might be cheating?". Just read every thread on here and you will find about an 80% cheating ratio at any given time, Men or Woman. The other 20% in my belief, half of those people haven't or won't find out the truth yet. You need to know. Only shot. I hope everything works out for you, I really do, but I truly believe it won't in the long run if you dont squash any and all issues and resentments you have with your wife. And unfaithfulness is the biggest by far. Good Luck.

[Kenyth]

Sorry bud, she is having, or has had an affair IMHO. This is the fate of many teenage marriages. Being so young, chances are one or both are going to feel they missed something and want more. A couple bad relationships and break-ups, mistakes, and independant living are necessary parts of growing up as young adults. Teen pregnancies and marriages interfere with the experiences we learn as young adults. Life is hard and appreciating what we have even though it's not perfect is something we all have to learn. Some can cope with a young marriage, others can't.

[jmargel]

Ironman, I have been on here giving advice for over 4 years, and although I am no counselor I have read enough and through my own personal experience know well enough what works and what doesn't.

 

First off, you can't make someone 'want' you or 'fall in love' with you. Though you might win someone over, it would only be temporary. With you going to counseling and her not allowing you to talk about the affair she has had, then the counseling really wasn't going to do any good. Doesn't matter if she physically cheated or not, what she had (at least) was an emotional affair which is just as bad. Her saying she is 'not in love with you' and laying blanket statements on you is just a defense mechanism by a cheater. Sorry, but good chance she continued seeing her boss in this way and good chance still does today. If not him, then another man.

 

Right now you can't trust her, her words are meaningless. Only because not only has she cheated, she continues to deny the fact or make up excuses for what she's done. She has not taken responsibility for her actions, nor has she faced consequences for what she has done.

 

Honestly the best and only way you can improve your life and per chance her coming back is to show 'Tough Love'. Find the book on amazon 'Love must be tough'. Someone with your name of 'Ironman' should know that women love confidence and confidence also improves your own self-worth. It's time to not just show this, but to live it. Confidence and tough love is not a definition to be mean, revengeful or cold. What it is, is a mechanism to make the other person 'think' about what they have done and what the future holds for them. Tough love is pulling out that safety net from them, making them see the value they have with their spouse. She doesn't value the marriage, she doesn't value you because she 'expects' it from you. When one has no value in something, then there is naturally no 'want'.

 

IMO I would go and see a counselor by yourself, start setting short term goals for yourself and tell her 'I am done being dragged through the mud. I am done being the safety net and I want you out'. How she fends for herself is her own problem, don't beg, don't grovel, don't buy her things. Don't tell her you love her. This is a long process, and expect her to be kicking along the way. If she starts any sort of agruments with you, tell her you refuse to talk this way, then just walk away. Distance yourself from her, show yourself that you are better than this. You are better than the way you are being treated. As long as you tolerate her behavior she will continue to dish it out. No longer do you put your own self-worth into her.

 

One of the sayings I like is actually from Einstein, which puts it best: 'Definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results'.

 

Invite her to counseling but if she says no, don't push it. There are root problems that have caused all of this, one of them being communication. However you can't fix her, and she has to have a desire to fix this. In the mean time, pull yourself from being a victim and get back to improving your life so you can be happy once again.

 

It's time to do something different.

[ironman1977]

well..it's christmas...today is the first day i have come back here to read the replys. i thank each of you for your advice/opinions whether i want to hear them or not.

i am going through hell ,as many of you probably have as well, some may feel the same pain or worse. i am depressed, but managed to give my kids a pretty good christmas that they deserve. however, they can see the toll this is taking on me and my wife....sad to say i wish i did not love her so much, things would be much easier. don't be fooled by my name...i feel nothing like it right now. i am quiet by nature and have always dealt with my own feelings without help from others. at this point i feel like i can no longer go on like that. i am seeing the counsellor to improve myself and to deal with whatever happens. not so much for myself but for my children. i want them to be in my life, i want them to have a strong father to look up to. so..i'm taking one day at a time and working on me,myself, and i.

maybe someday the truth of the whole matter will come out....maybe not. i don't know what the next step will be as far as her and i go. but i do know that i cannot and will not force her to stay or to try if she doesn't want too.

please feel free to leave a post, it's somewhat of a comfort to know that others are out there and have gone through similar difficulties.

thanks again and seasons greetings, best wishes in the new year to all.

[redblack66]

well..it's christmas...today is the first day i have come back here to read the replys. i thank each of you for your advice/opinions whether i want to hear them or not.

i am going through hell ,as many of you probably have as well, some may feel the same pain or worse. i am depressed, but managed to give my kids a pretty good christmas that they deserve. however, they can see the toll this is taking on me and my wife....sad to say i wish i did not love her so much, things would be much easier. don't be fooled by my name...i feel nothing like it right now. i am quiet by nature and have always dealt with my own feelings without help from others. at this point i feel like i can no longer go on like that. i am seeing the counsellor to improve myself and to deal with whatever happens. not so much for myself but for my children. i want them to be in my life, i want them to have a strong father to look up to. so..i'm taking one day at a time and working on me,myself, and i.

maybe someday the truth of the whole matter will come out....maybe not. i don't know what the next step will be as far as her and i go. but i do know that i cannot and will not force her to stay or to try if she doesn't want too.

please feel free to leave a post, it's somewhat of a comfort to know that others are out there and have gone through similar difficulties.

thanks again and seasons greetings, best wishes in the new year to all.

 

Feel for you. Keep going. Please use CAPITALS where needed as it is difficult to read.

[sadhubby]

red are you the capital nazi?? lol man give us a break this guy as well as me are in a crazy state of mind i can hardley type myself..