Can't believe I'm here.. I thought we were happily married!

[asiasun]

Hi, I'm new here and came this site when I was looking for some insights when I suspected my husband was having an affair.

 

It turned out to be true. After several evidences that I found (phone calls, text messages, he came home late, he often went out alone in weekends, he lied to me back and forth about his whereabouts), I confronted him and he eventually admitted that he's been having an affair with his coworker.

 

We both are 32, been together for 12 years (6 years of marriage), we have 2 adorable children, a girl aged 4 and a boy aged 1.

 

I'm deeply hurt by his action, I thought our life was perfect. We were (at least before the affair) so passionate with each other, so madly in love. Still, he betrayed me. He didn't come to work to make a living for his family, but instead, he went flirting with his coworker.

 

He told me the reason he cheated on me because he said I'm a terrible person to communicate with, easily get angry etc. While I admit that I'm an outspoken - blunt person (he's more a shy - quiet guy), I refused to accept that I am a terrible person to communicate with. I mean, if I'm THAT terrible, how come we have a happily married life (before the affair)? Our friends known us as the happy couple, still holding hands together, etc. Almost every week we went out with the kids, to the mall, playground, etc. Or we do stuff together as a couple. In short, we WERE happy then.

 

I don't buy a person's excuse to cheat on his/her significant other. I mean, if he has issues with me, he should've addressed them to me first, if fails, then we could go seek a 3rd party's help, if still fails, then we go for a divorce, THEN we can start looking for a new relationship. What he did was the other way around, after he cheated on me, THEN he told me he had issues with me.

 

We now live separately, my kids and I are staying at my parents' place. The fact that he is still seeing her instead of trying to save our marriage (and trying to save our children's future), is upsetting and hurting me even more.

 

So what do I do now?

[Rodsoxfan82]

I understand what you are going through. I found out that my husband (exhusband now) was sleeping around on me with several of women. I noticed that we were having problems and I asked him if we could go talk to someone about our issues, but I always got the answer no. I still am not fully sure what all went wrong in the marriage and he never would tell me. I tried my best to make him happy, but it was never good enough. I'm sorry to hear about your situation and things will get better, it just takes time.

[MattN]

File for divorce get what you deserve and start to move on. This isn't your fault so don't let him make it out to be. If he did it to you he'll do it to her anyway and you deserve better.

 

Take care of the kids and things will get better in time..

[abeliever]

Wow. Me too! Although not funny it is in a way. It seems to be a new trend "don't like your wife - get a new (sometimes younger) one"! Oh well such is life. So, yes me too. My H had 5 affairs and now this last one is pregnant! She called to say not sure if its his but if it turns out to be then she will contact us when baby is born (April 08) because she will need child support. So I am divorcing my H (house on market, divorce is filed in our county court and we still live together, work together daily). I say let them be. If he wasn't really happy with you, then don't you want to be with someone who is? I know its HARD, believe me I gave him everything. But in the end I want someone who will do and feel just as much for me as I do them.

 

Isn't that how a marriage should be? I am hoping some of this helps. If anything, at least his OW isn't pregnant! You could be in my shoes. Its not funny but in a way it is to me. I write his payroll check and told her I had no problem to write her a check out of his earnings each week. (We own our own business) But she would never get a red cent of mine! So this week he paid me half his salary and will keep it that way til paternity. What he doesn't realize is when the judge sees what I am making and him during our divorce I will keep my salary at the rate it is now and he will keep his! So he screwed himself, and do you think I care? Maybe a long time ago but now I think its pay back from all the pain he caused me.

 

Hope that puts a smile on your face. Make copies of documents you need and put away as much money as you can. This is no time to be nice or let your emotions get in the way. This is business and that is make sure you and your kids if any are going to be ok financially, you can deal with the emotions later with food on the table and the lights on! HA!

 

Best of Luck.

abeliever

[lonley_wife]

honestly i am going threw the same thing right now. thought we only have one son who is 9 months. i have just found out yesterday that hes bascally doing the same thing to me.

i dont know how you acutally go him to admit it though i ask him why and he says "i dont know" i think hes still a child and wants someone to be his mommie which im not. so i wish you all the best.

[asiasun]

Thanks everyone for your sympathy and valuable inputs.

 

I know I should file for a divorce, but somehow, at some point, I am still longing for the "good old days" when we were together, i mean, in my heart, I knew that if he is admitting his fault, beg me for forgiveness, and ask me to comeback together with him, I'd probably say yes.

 

Is this normal?

 

I feel that... despite of the last 5-6 months (when he started the affair), I felt that we had the time of our life! Our second baby was just born (a boy, so his favorite), and we started to settle financially, at last. I mean, if things get ugly now and we end up having a divorce, will my kids and I ever be happy again, like we used to be? I know, I am probably just afraid to get out of my comfort zone...

 

But still, he hurts me so deeply. I never understand why! I thought we WERE happy!

 

Ah, I don't know what to think... sorry for my ramblings..

[asiasun]

Any other opinions? Advise? Please, I'm pretty confused, I don't know what to do..

[Citizen Erased]

Any other opinions? Advise? Please, I'm pretty confused, I don't know what to do..

 

The fact that he has blamed it on you says alot. He still hasn't taken responsibility for it, and I doubt he will. Usually I would not suggest for anyone to not work on a marriage, but just the fact that he can even dare to turn it around on you adds even more to the hurt.

 

Even if you saty with him, it is more then likely he will continue the affair with this woman. And if not with this one, then the next one he can get his hands on. You should not have to live the life of "well if he doesn't see me as happy and communicative 24/7 then he may go and sleep with someone else". You deserve a better life then that, and so does their children.

 

I am so sorry for the pain you must be feeling. I strongly suggest that you see a counsellor, this is alot of hurt and anger to be carrying around, especially seeing as you have 2 small children and need to be there for them. You also need someone to be there for you, someone you can vent to and sort through these issues. Try to take care of yourself as well

[asiasun]

Thanks darling coco. It is a lot of pain to be carrying around, plus I can not show my anger and sadness in front of my 4 year old.

[Gunny376]

I agree with DC! Divorce not affects you? But everyone in your circle of influence. Your children, your parents, your siblings, your friends ~ like a chain reaction.

 

And, I'm sure that your parents are "there" for you ~ but they can't always be objective ~ after all you are their daughter.

 

So seeing a counselour (but keep in mind that you have to shop around to find the right one!) would be a good idea I think? The hodgepoge of emotions when one is going through a seperation/divorce is something that someone whose never been through it can only begin to fathom? There's all the others aspects to consider? Financial, child support, custody etc.

 

Its true? You can't make someone respect you, you can do everything that you can to ensure that they don't disrespect you.

 

And that's what this guy is doing! He's disrespecting you, your children, your family, your marriage.

 

Having an affair ~ and blaming the BS (Betrayed Spouse) for the affair is fairly common in the psychologhical makeup of a cheater. They go with this line of........................."if"

 

"If you had done this?"

 

"If you hadn't done that!"

 

"If you hadn't said this?"

 

"If you had of said this!"

 

It really does a "number" on the BS's head, confidence, and self-esteem, as if the affair and betrayal wasn't enough already?

 

And its just more of the selfisness of the WS (Wayward Spouse). Its not "his/her" fault ~ its yours! Its because you're inadequate, inept, etc. that is the reason they strayed.

 

Its all bull!

 

The first thing you need to do? Is work on yourself, your self esteem, self respect, confidence ~ in short YOU! Which is the reason all us regualars are always quoting chapter and verse ~ work on YOU!

 

The really good news is that once you've been through this? Get to the otherside of it all ~ you build up a certain amount of immunity to it all. And, you can generally spot a flakey ass cheater~player a mile off in the distance.

 

The first thing you got to get through your head? Its not you ~ its him that's the weak-minded one! He's the one that walked out of the marriage! He's the one that walked out on the family! He's the one that walked out on the relationship! He's the one that choose to quit! He's the one that choose to cheat! He's the weak one! Not you!

 

With a husband like this? Who needs enemies?

 

Not only do you deserve better? But you can do better! And don't get to thinking that just because you've got two kids by another man that you can't find another guy!

 

We just hired a guy today at work, whose has custody of his two sons from his first marriage, who married a gal with two girls from her first marriage, ~ who had another chid together. They've got the kids involved in sports, he's working third shift ~ working two jobs to support a wife and five children. They're in church everytime the doors open. They're involved in the community.

 

There are some "stand-up" guys out here in the World!

 

Go find yourself one! Once you've got your heart and head wired back together ~ got your self-respect back!

 

This guy? This weak-minded ......................... doesn't deserve a woman like you! And you don't deserve him...................you deserve better!

[Worthy of Love]

Wow -- this sounds similar. I also thought I was in a near-perfect relationship. We were the couple that got along, did things together, and loved being together. I was lucky to catch his emotional affair very early...it was clearly headed to much more. And he has snapped back and seems remorseful and committed to getting our marriage back on track. But what rang so true is that he told me that he lies to me all the time because I am so judgmental and angry when he tells the truth.

 

Talk about displacing blame. I lie because you get so mad at the truth. Funny logic.

 

In the case of this girl, he lied to me about inviting and flying her out to "represent" his company at a marketing business expo. Um...yeah...I would have gotten angry if you would have told me you were flying three 23 year old girls across country to spend four days in Florida with you and other salesbuys to do "marketing" for your company. This logic is so bizarre and strange. If you're doing shady things...you lie because they're shady. If you think I'm going to get mad if you tell me...maybe you should ask yourself WHY I might get mad at finding out you're traveling with 23 year old girls for long weekends.

 

Anyhow, I think in my case he's seeing the folly of his position. But your post broke my heart and cracked me up. Yes, I lie and fall in love with other women because you get mad when I tell you want to lie and fall in love with other women. So really, it's your fault. Sigh...

 

Good luck with the kids...another coincidence. We have a three year old and I'm pregnant. So we're just a year behind your situation.

[asiasun]

Thanks Gunny and Worthy of Love..

 

Worthy, I feel sooooo sorry for your situation (especially you're being pregnant)! And wow, what a similar situation we both have... my thoughts are with you.

 

UPDATE:

 

He emailed me today and said he wanted to meet with me tomorrow. FYI, he hasn't come home or tried to see me since the "Discovery day".

 

What do you think will happen? What kind of emotions / situations should I prepare?

[Ladyjane14]

What do you think will happen? What kind of emotions / situations should I prepare?

 

The two most likely scenarios are that he wants to find out if you're still percolating nicely on the backburner for him, or... he wants to talk about a cheap divorce.

 

Either way, you can't afford to show weakness.

 

If he tries to pull the "do-it-yourself" divorce number on you, let him know that he's no longer a person you trust to see to your best interests or to those of your children. Tell him that you're happy to discuss marriage, but your ATTORNEY will be the one to contact if he wants to talk divorce. If you don't have one yet, tell him you'll forward a contact number once you've retained one. Tell him that you're sorry that it had to be this way, because you feel that whatever problems within the marriage were certainly surmountable and that you both owed it to your children to make the best very effort in doing that. Tell him that what's NOT surmountable is sharing your husband with another woman.

 

Then get up and leave the area. Don't get into a protracted discussion if he brings up divorce. Don't let him see you cry. Don't try to change his mind.

 

Remember... YOU CAN'T REASON WITH UNREASONABLE PEOPLE.

And cheaters who are caught up in the fog of their affair are not "reasonable people".

 

 

If he wants to just check in and see where you are in terms of waiting for him while he explores his affair, leave him dangling on that too. You're not EASY MEAT. If he wants you, he's got to end his affair completely and get into MC... or whatever it is that you need to feel good about proceeding forward with him. He needs to jump some hoops here. Not HUGE intimidating hurdles, but he needs a way to feel like he's making restitution to you and can EARN his way back into the marriage.

 

Remorseful cheaters worry that they've burned their bridge and can never be an equal partner in the primary relationship again. They fear punishment and tend to believe that if they return to the marriage, they're going to spend the rest of their natural lives in the doghouse. By giving him 'The Roadmap Home', you're letting him know up-front what he needs to do. And even though there's NO COIN which will repay you for the pain you've suffered, he feels like he's earning your forgiveness.

 

He also needs to feel the clock ticking, so throw in the words, "...until I've moved on" somewhere in the conversation. Again, keep it short and pleasant. Just give him the bullet. He's only going to remember what he WANTS to remember anyway, which will most likely be the parts which feed his fantasy. So, limit his ability to do that by keeping the conversation on track. Toward that end, don't discuss the OW. She's not pertinent to the conversation in terms of what you're trying to accomplish today.

 

He'll try to throw you off by bringing in whatever justifications and rationalizations he's used to give himself permission for the affair. You can talk about all that IF he decides to return to the marriage. If not, these are moot points. Say so.

 

 

All in all, be prepared to set personal boundaries while keeping your emotions under strict control.

[woodsfield]

He told me the reason he cheated on me because he said I'm a terrible person to communicate with, easily get angry etc. While I admit that I'm an outspoken - blunt person (he's more a shy - quiet guy), I refused to accept that I am a terrible person to communicate with.

 

So what do I do now?

 

sounds to me like he has the communication issues.

 

send him the papers...i hate to say it, but it is over if he is still going to the OW.

 

o...he is coming to see you...listen to LadyJane.

[asiasun]

Thanks LJ for your valuable insights.

 

More background information on our case:

 

After I confronted him and he admitted that he was having an affair, he left our house, he has never showed up (either in my office or my parents house), he never tried to communicate with me, he never took phone calls from his relatives either, no matter how often they have tried to reach him. He dissapeared 'just like that'. I know that he is still working at his office though. I had also addressed this issue to his boss (given the fact that his affair was his coworker), his boss - despite that she feels so sorry for me (she's a mother of 3 young children herself), said that she regretted that unless this issue affetcs their performance at work, the company has no concern at all.

 

During his dissaperance (it's been 3 weeks now), he told me by text message that he needed his time 'to think'. I wasn't sure what he needed to think for, he knew he took the wrong path, he should've just turned to the right way.

 

But after 2 weeks gone, he still hasn't taken responsibility for it. No news whatsoever from him.

 

He doesn't seem to love me anymore to do a reconciliation, and he doesn't love the kids enough to give up his ego.

 

So I gave him the ultimate deadline, if until the end of the day on last 31 October, he's not showing any good intentions to reconcile, I will file for a divorce.

 

He didn't meet his deadline. Eventhough he replied my email, it seemed that he still needed his time to THINK about it. I mean, if he still wants our family back together, he would think; 'the hell with that girl, I love my wife and kids, and I want them back. I will try to do ANYTHING to win my family back.' But, he didn't.

 

Now, 3 weeks gone, he emailed me saying that he wanted to see me.

 

He told his relatives that he was sooooo afraid to see me at our parents house because he was worried that my father will give him a rough time (yeah right, look what you've done to his daughter). I'm VERY close to my family, my mum, my dad, my brother, even with my sister in law. I'm the kind of person who is always surrounded by love and affection at home, and I'm so blessed to have a wonderful family like mine. On the contrary, he doesn't have any close relatives, his parents passed away 3 years ago (both had cancers), and he is an only child. My family had always been supportive to him and loved him like their own son.. until this affair. I don't know how my family (especially my dad and my brother) will ever forgive him or trust him again.

 

Fast forward to today, if he wanted to meet me to say that he prefers the OW, then we clearly will go for a divorce. BUT, if he said he wanted to comeback... what should I do or say to give him a hard lesson... I mean, I don't want that in his mind, after he messed up, and things don't work out perfectly for him, he come to me as 'the last reource' to fix his life and that I will say yes no matter what has he done... you know what I mean.. I want him to learn his lesson.

 

How do I show / do / say to him that he has really hurt me, the kids, my family, and that he really needs to WIN me back..

 

Any advice will be very much appreciated...

[bestadvisor]

How did the meeting go? Unless he completely change and truly remorseful (which usually includes breaking down and crying), he will cheat again.

[asiasun]

The meeting was not done yet... it's gonna be tonight (I'm in Asia so I'm 12 hours ahead of US time).

 

Anyone can advise on this, before I meet him tonight?

 

what should I do or say to give him a hard lesson... I mean, I don't want that in his mind, after he messed up, and things don't work out perfectly for him, he come to me as 'the last reource' to fix his life and that I will say yes no matter what has he done... you know what I mean.. I want him to learn his lesson.

 

How do I show / do / say to him that he has really hurt me, the kids, my family, and that he really needs to WIN me back..

 

[Ladyjane14]

...if he said he wanted to comeback... what should I do or say to give him a hard lesson... I mean, I don't want that in his mind, after he messed up, and things don't work out perfectly for him, he come to me as 'the last reource' to fix his life and that I will say yes no matter what has he done... you know what I mean.. I want him to learn his lesson.

 

How do I show / do / say to him that he has really hurt me, the kids, my family, and that he really needs to WIN me back..

 

This is what I meant by "setting your boundaries". What is it that you NEED in a mate? What do you NEED from him in order to open the door to reconciliation?

 

Alot of betrayed spouses insist that their FWS (formerly wayward spouse) go to marriage counseling. Some insist that he live his new life transparently, as an 'open book', without secret passwords to cell phones and computer accounts for an indefinite period of time until trust is restored. They set expectations that he become accountable for his time and his financial resources. And of course, complete NO CONTACT with the former affair partner is usually the gold standard in boundaries.

 

Really, it can be whatever you feel is important to you. What's essential is that there be some way for him to make restitution for the way he hurt you. And like I said earlier, there's NO COIN that can pay someone back for their pain, but you both need to feel like the effort is being made.

 

Your best bet is to sit down and think about what it takes for YOU to be willing to reenter into a relationship with him. And then... settle for nothing less.

Afterall, if he can't pony-up what you really need, you've got no use for him when it's all said and done. We're not talking about "wants" here, we're talking about "needs".

[asiasun]

Thank you LJ, I actually printed out your advise and read it over and over again.

 

Man, he really is a jerk. I met him last night, and I thought (or hoped, maybe) that he would show that he was remorseful or at least he told me that he was sorry and everything.

 

But the meeting went like this:

 

He said he still didn't know what to do / choose. He said he had issues with me. I told him that if he really wanted this marriage to work out, we can work out these issues, we go see marriage conselors etc, BUT he needed to get rid of the OW. He said he can't continue the marriage because he doesn't have love me anymore.

 

What an a**hole! After he betrayed me, he broke our vows, he didn't feel or seem sorry but instead, he twisted it and turned his mistake on me. And now he told me that he doesn't love me anymore. Mind you, we have always been a happy couple throughout our married life, before the affair, which was started in June. In May, he still gave me something very special and a romantic gift on my birthday (something that he needed to prepare few months before).

 

I've really had it. I'm filing for a divorce now.

[Ladyjane14]

After he betrayed me, he broke our vows, he didn't feel or seem sorry but instead, he twisted it and turned his mistake on me. And now he told me that he doesn't love me anymore. Mind you, we have always been a happy couple throughout our married life, before the affair, which was started in June.

 

As unfortunate as it is... it's typical for a WS (wayward spouse) to point the finger of blame to his betrayed spouse. In general, people aren't just evil as a matter of course. They have to lie to themselves a good bit before they can do wrong. He's had to rationalize his choices, tell himself that you're not right for him, that he doesn't love you... all that nonsense.

 

And you know, it's just not all that unusual for a cheating spouse to "re-write" the history of the marriage, to remember being unhappy when in reality they weren't. Sometimes their brains trick them into remembering things wrong because they need to give themselves permission to cheat and lie.

 

Are you pretty sure you're ready for divorce? Sometimes an otherwise good guy can pull himself together and end up being a fine husband, even after an infidelity.... that is, AFTER he's pulled his head out of his hindquarters. Is he worth your efforts, or is this just another in a long line of goofy stunts?

[asiasun]

Hi LJ, thank you for your great insights. Your advises are always wise and brilliant!

 

Are you pretty sure you're ready for divorce?

 

I'm not. I'm so sad thinking about it. We have 2 lovely children, the ones that we tried so hard to get (we have fertility problems) and fought for (I had one miscarriage). I never thought that my children's parents would end up like this.

 

But I'm really hurt by the way he's telling me that he doesn't love me anymore. He made me feel so unattractive, so unloved, so unwanted.

 

LJ, do you think I should give him more time, before I file? Or not?

[Ladyjane14]

...do you think I should give him more time, before I file? Or not?

 

Hunny, that's entirely up to you. Now, you're in the East and I'm in the West... so take that with a grain of salt. I'm not familiar with your laws and customs. The safest bet is to get legal counsel so you know what your rights are and so that you're not setting up a status quo that's permissive. So, that's what I'd do first if I were you.

 

After that, I think you can either wait him out or lower the boom on him, depending on what you think will work best.

 

Sometimes, a WH (wayward husband) who has poor coping skills and doesn't deal well with conflict responds better to a gentle hand. In that case, type into your browser, "what are plan a and plan b, marriagebuilders" and read the article you find there. Read the entire Basic Concepts section as well so you learn about Love Busters and the Love Bank. You can also read Harley's book, Surviving an Infidelity for more detailed information.

 

The idea in "Plan A" is to show your WH that you're ready, willing, and able to address problems in the marriage and be a good partner for him. For a period of about 3-6 months, you show him an attractive alternative to the unknown and chaotic path he's on.

 

Now, that doesn't mean that you don't do what you need to do in order to protect yourself and your children legally. If he's not paying child support or if he's not following visitation protocols... you drag his butt on in to court. You just do it PLEASANTLY.... just a woman doing what she's got to do.

 

In "Plan A" you'd be meeting some of his ENs (Emotional Needs) while the OW meets others, so yeah... he's likely still carrying on his affair at this point. As long as he's 'on the fence', acting "confused", you stay in "Plan A". If/when he becomes complacent though and starts taking you for granted... you drop "Plan B" on him. "Plan B" means you stop all personal contact with him and withdraw EN fulfillment. At that point, he's entirely reliant upon OW for ENs and usually he starts seeing her flaws. It illustrates a stark contrast between what it means to have YOU in his life and what it means to be without you.

 

So... that's one idea, and it works about as well as any.

 

The other way you can go is to just dump him on his ass and 'devil take the hindmost'. You go ahead and come out swinging, hitting him with legal and with the reality of his choices. Now, for a guy who's afraid of being "punished", this is just going to run him off and make him fight to be free of the marriage. But for guys who are just playing games because they think they can get away with it... it sometimes scares them straight.

 

He's got alot to lose here.... a wife who loves him and 2 babies, continuity of family, standing in the community. And I know you're feeling unattractive right now; that's normal for betrayed wives. But if that's you there in your avatar... the man is clearly out of his mind, and on some level he knows it.

 

You might read through a copy of Love Must Be Tough by Dobson, and see what applies to you. No matter what you decide, remember that whatever you chase... RUNS. You have alot to offer, so there's no need for you to EVER chase a man down in order to offer it.

Let him come to you instead.

[scubafish]

Asiasun,

I too , have been in a bit of a similar situation, with the guy going on and on about not knowing which side of the fence he wanted to be on. I won't get into all the details about the whole situation, but after 3 months of living with this 'other woman' he was 'so in love with', he left her. apparently living with someone is not the same as having secret meeting and backseat trysts with someone. we are now working on a life again.

I did not 'chase' him, or beg for him to come back, and I think being strong shows the guy, you are someone that is worthy. I joined classes, and went out with friends alot. You have children as well that need you, so you can keep busy there as well. Please keep a smile on your face, like your lovley picture! It seems a bit to early to really know what is in his head.

The hardest thing is sitting around wondering what he is doing, you can never know the answer, so try not to dwell.

[asiasun]

"what are plan a and plan b, marriagebuilders" and read the article you find there.

 

Thanks LJ. I went to that site and there are so many great articles.

 

But I think it's a little bit too late for me... Plan A said that we as BS should not show our resentment etc, which I already have. That was probably why he kept his distance from me.

 

But if that's you there in your avatar... the man is clearly out of his mind, and on some level he knows it.

 

[blushed].. thanks. The picture was really me, 3.5 years ago, so I might look a little different now

[asiasun]

Asiasun,

I too , have been in a bit of a similar situation, with the guy going on and on about not knowing which side of the fence he wanted to be on.

 

Hi scubafish,

Yep. I think my H acts as 'confused guy' because he is actually somewhat a coward, who doesn't want to take any consequences of his actions.

 

The hardest thing is sitting around wondering what he is doing, you can never know the answer, so try not to dwell.

 

I feel you. I can totally relate.