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Divorce aftermath for 2 plus years .. ?


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I've posted before about my residual feelings for my exH... a little guilt, a lot of shame, a whooole lot of anger. East of Jupiter posted a link about something called "covert aggression" and it sounded so familiar I thought I would snip some parts and post them here.

 

1. A manipulator's aggression is not obvious. We find ourselves unconsciously on the defensive, but we can't readily validate our feelings.

 

2. Not obvious because the tactics can make it seem like the person is hurting, caring, defending ... almost anything but fighting. They keep you on the run emotionally and it is hard to sort through your feelings.

 

3. Manipulators know what buttons to push, when and how hard. Our lack of self-knowledge sets us up to be exploited (although I did get great at not taking his bait; his tactics changed to much more cruelty).

 

4. While our gut tells us we're dealing with a ruthless conniver, our head tells us they must be really frightened or wounded "underneath." We're more apt to doubt and blame ourselves for daring to believe what our gut tells us about our manipulator's character.

 

They use selective inattention (oblivious to your feelings), denial, and distraction to throw you off. I used to think of talking to my ex as nailing Jell-O to a tree.

 

Then there was lying, and shaming - subtle sarcasm and put-downs as a means of increasing fear and self-doubt in others. He really overdid that, and I still suffer from it I think. He would say "I'm just kidding," but it is hard to believe he did not know that what made me cry and caused me literally years of humiliation and dread and was not funny.

 

He also played the victim, especially after I started to despise him. That's a lot of our friends no longer like me, or even if they do they believe I have issues with loyalty and honestly. And I played into his hand because I slept with someone else at the end, although I never was with him again and of course he thinks I straight left him for that guy.

 

That's all I have to say, I just wanted to put it out there that I think I pegged him and see what responses I get. Also - it has been over 2 years, I am remarried and happy, and yet the bad feelings (mostly anger) linger. My question is, do I need therapy for this? What kinds of things would they tell you in therapy? Was I in fact a victim of some kind of psychological abuse? And if so am I the one to blame, for not noticing, for not stopping it sooner?

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Hi milvushina,

 

No you are NOT the one to be blamed. The blame belongs to the perpetrator--to him alone. People's attitudes are usually rigidly judgemental toward victims of trauma, domestic abuse, etc, and most people who whould have handled a situation much poorly than you did would tell you that you should have done this or that.

 

The second line of defence for a manipulator is denial. The first line of defence is secrecy and the third is blaming the victim and playing the role of the victim. A manipulator thrives on his victim's doubts. TRUST your gut feelings! TRUST your gut feelings! TRUST your gut feelings! If you fee were manipulated, then you were.

 

Other people's lives for a manipulator are not sacred shrines that one respects; they are, for him, battle fields and the tactics are so subtle that people around you would think he is doing what he is doing because he he cares. Your feelings of anger are very normal; someone very close had compromised your dignity and betrayed your trust.

 

I do not know you, but I believe you. Take a wonderful care of yourself. Dealing with a manipulator is being in a war without even knowing it! It is a good idea to seek therapy, but make sure you get a get therapist!

 

Yours,

 

Fromfaraway

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