mammax3 Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 I know this has been talked about in many a person's threads, but I've had a cursory look and thought maybe someone can either repost or give me a clue. The day is quickly approaching when we're going to tell our 4 and 2 yo's that Daddy is not coming back from away to live with us ever again. I've got some books about how to tell them, but I'd like to hear actual input. H hasn't lived full time in the home since, oh, late last year due to work but it wasn't until this spring that he said he wants a divorce. My 4 yo knows Daddy is supposed to live here, but maybe only barely remembers him actually doing it. My 2 yo has no clue. So it's not that suddenly Daddy is living in an apt across town, he's a far way away and we won't see him very often at ALL. Is it okay to say Daddy doesn't love Mummy anymore? Or say that sometimes husbands and wives need to divorce? My 4 yo kinda knows what 'divorce' is, I've spoken to him in passing about it over the last 3 months just to plant the seed. I've thought of playing up the whole Working angle, but I don't want to inadvertantly lay it down that he may come back to live, since he won't. I also don't want to worry them that I'll stop loving them or make it so they feel unloved by H, or potential others down the road. I have to remember not to inundate them right now with facts or info, we'll have a lifetime to go over this. I'm just at a loss right now. Whatever we say will hurt them, I just don't want to scare them too. Thanks everyone. Any links you could share would be appreciated too. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 I feel sad for you all... All I can say is, make sure your kids feel loved by BOTH of you. You all can still be a family unit, but just not under one roof anymore. Consider speaking to a counsellor about this. Sorry I'm not much help, but I really wanted to reply to your thread. Stay strong and always keep the peace, even if it kills ya. Your kids need to see one stable parent who makes them feel secure and safe, and loved. (Not saying your H doesn't love the kids, but him being away on business for a year, doesn't help them feel secure. Hope you know what I mean by that.) Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 I think if it were me, I'd just tell them that "Daddy has decided he won't be living here anymore, but he'll come and see you whenever he has time." And then I'd answer questions without getting into alot of detail. You don't want him thinking that "Daddy's Work" is more important than he is, so I'd leave work out of it and just tell him the truth without casting blame or getting emotional. Seeing parents get all emotional and teary is what makes it scary for kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Curmudgeon Posted July 28, 2007 Share Posted July 28, 2007 Whatever we say will hurt them, I just don't want to scare them too. I didn't really get a chance to say anything. The ex spirited the children (my two youngest daughters) away in my absence. Had she done the "right" thing and given us a chance to talk to them together before she left I think I would have simply explained that sometimes grownups grow apart and can't really get along anymore. That we both love them and we'll always be their mother and father. Instead of all of us living together like we have been in one home, they'll now have two homes in which they're loved and valued and I'll see and spend as much time with them as I can. Unfortunately, not only did she take them but she spent the next 10 years actively alienating them from me. It began when they were five and nine. As it turns out, she started the process before we separated and also found a boyfriend. I hope you and your husband handle all of it better. Link to post Share on other sites
Melovator Posted July 29, 2007 Share Posted July 29, 2007 http://www.webwombat.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/marriage-split-telling-kids.htm http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/BHCV2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Family_break_up_supporting_children?OpenDocument http://www.prisms.com.au/expert-advice/early-childhood-education http://www.cyh.com/HealthTopics/HealthTopicDetails.aspx?p=114&np=99&id=1742 These are all Australian sites- I have more but they're all along the same lines. One of my best friends told me about her two kids "They don't remember" and her kids would have been about four and two when she split with her ex seven years ago. MAybe Mamma that's going to be one of the blessings in all this- they'll be too little to remember. Not saying that HOW you tell them now isn't important- just remember YOU are the primary caregiver and you know what will upset the children more than he will. You know their sensitivites and the level of their understanding. You're also doing research and getting different views about how to do this properly. You have prepared for this horrible exam, don't let someone who hasn't done his homework determine how its going to go down, especially if your gut is screaming 'NO' at you about anything. I wish you all the best. lots of love. Link to post Share on other sites
LittleEva Posted July 30, 2007 Share Posted July 30, 2007 The most important thing it so make sure your kids know both of you love them. I would leave off the part about Daddy not loving Mommy anymore or vice versa. Just focus on the fact that you both love the kids even though you have decided it is best not to live together. And though this sounds like a one sided decision (his idea, not yours) you need to approach this as a team and make a commitment not to put the other person in a bad light with the kids no matter how angry or hurt either of you are. You can play up the fact that the kids will have two of everything....two houses to live in, two bedrooms, etc. And make sure you leave the door open for them to talk about it anytime they have questions...well, the 4 yr old anyway. Let them know it is OK to be sad and cry about it. And make sure you emphasize that it is in no way their fault. Because kids tend to think the world revolves around them (they learn as they grow that this is not true, just a developmental stage they go through) and that they are responsible for all sorts of things. They may think if they had been better behaved, or not drawn on the wall, etc, that this wouldn't be happening. Make sure you emphasize this is not true and follow up with them over the days and weeks to come to reassure them of this and to find out if they have any questions about it. Good luck with this and keep us posted on how it goes.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author mammax3 Posted July 31, 2007 Author Share Posted July 31, 2007 Thanks for your replies everyone. I sent him one of those links you offered Mel, thanks so much for including them. He's called twice this week already - s4 has left 2 messages for him and I emailed him re: talking to them about what to say. I'm beginning to get an idea. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 Hi mamma It is one of the hardest things to do... but it has to unfortunately be done. When my wife and I did it.. we did it together. You can't do that.. You would think your sbxh would try and arrange to call on the phone.. so he could at least talk to them when you have to tell them. I know you know... but all they have to know is both their mommy and daddy love them all. They don't need to know.. he does not love you or want to be with you. They just don't need to know that.. They may in time ask.. but let them do that...k That will give you time to be prepared for it... Take care mamma... you really sound like you are coping so well... considering. ilmw:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author mammax3 Posted July 31, 2007 Author Share Posted July 31, 2007 Hi ilmw! He is coming 'home' to tell them. This weekend, it seems. It's plaguing me. This is such a disappointment for the kids. I know you know. You're right, and I do have to remind myself that they'll be asking questions LONG after he leaves. s4'd probably wait until H does leave to ask me what's going on. This initial conversation (from what I've read) seems to be an introduction to the topic of separation, and there'll be many more discussions as the kids grow up. So you're right, I don't need to put it all out there right away, just touch it and let them know they're still loved very much by both of us since I have to imagine that H does, even though his behaviour isn't really reflecting that. This is going to be a tough week for me, I think. I'm already feeling stressed - but thanks for the nice words about me coping! Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted July 31, 2007 Share Posted July 31, 2007 Hi ilmw! He is coming 'home' to tell them. This weekend, it seems. It's plaguing me. This is such a disappointment for the kids. I know you know. You're right, and I do have to remind myself that they'll be asking questions LONG after he leaves. s4'd probably wait until H does leave to ask me what's going on. This initial conversation (from what I've read) seems to be an introduction to the topic of separation, and there'll be many more discussions as the kids grow up. So you're right, I don't need to put it all out there right away, just touch it and let them know they're still loved very much by both of us since I have to imagine that H does, even though his behaviour isn't really reflecting that. This is going to be a tough week for me, I think. I'm already feeling stressed - but thanks for the nice words about me coping! Ohh he is coming home.. I can see how that would cause you some stress! You have to stay strong for your kiddies... then once he is gone again... get some time for yourself.. to get your sh*t together...k. Hopefully your family can help with the kids and you can recharge your batteries... as I can only imagine... his visit.. and the topic of conversation would drain you.. Take care of you...k ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
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