grnidgrl Posted July 20, 2007 Share Posted July 20, 2007 I'm a Navy Wife. I've been married to my husband for four years; we dated for four years prior to that. In the last year, I've noticed a definite change in our relationship. I'm not like most women who expect the men in their lives to read their minds...I know what I want from my husband and I've expressed my needs and wants in detail with him on several occasions when we discuss this 'change in our relationship'... I need more romance, of course, and more than that, more passion. I need him to desire me... He says he does, but doesn't show it... An example, our 4th anniversary was this year (the first we have EVER spent together due to this military lifestyle)...I asked that we not spend hardly any money on each other, but do something for the other that has meaning....he made no plans and did nothing for our anniversary...I'm not that hard to please; he just makes absolutely no attempt.... Is HIS lack of passion a sign that I mean nothing to him? I've tried leaving and going to stay in a hotel, that worked for about a day because it became real to him how serious this problem was...but as I said, it worked for only a day! I do love him, but when he doesn't show that he feels anything for me anymore, I don't feel as though I am in love with him.... I don't want to give up...and I do believe He is the one, but I don't know how much longer I can live in this one-sided marriage! Any advice is appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
azianpride143 Posted July 20, 2007 Share Posted July 20, 2007 Go to couples therapy. If he cares a lot about you he will be willing to go. There may be some underlying issues why he's unable to be expressive. Link to post Share on other sites
WonderingInMo Posted July 20, 2007 Share Posted July 20, 2007 I cant give you much advice but being in the military i can give some insight myself on his behavior. The military completely changes who you are. everything about him has changed and relationships are harder for him. he has so much in his head it is hard for him to remember how to make you happy. he probably does not even realize what he is doing to you and your relationship. I have a wife that is leaving me right now and it has opened my eyes to what i have been doing to her and our relationship. Making him think that you are going to be gone will probably change his ways but you have to keep it current in his mind that you are his priority not the navy. and if it doesnt change his mind then you are probably better off with out him. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 20, 2007 Share Posted July 20, 2007 I can solve this problem being the Gunnery Sergeant I am, but it will take both of you being on here! Let me at him! :mad: Gunnery Sergeant = Cheif Petty Officer! Lady Jane ~ FRONT AND CENTER! Too Long Legs ~ ATTENTION! Crummegion ~ RIGHT FACE TO THE CENTER! Mosse ~ Listen up! ilmw ~ Get your ass over here! NOW! AzianPirde ~ Anyday now, anyday! Take your sweet azz time! Link to post Share on other sites
notspiritual Posted July 20, 2007 Share Posted July 20, 2007 I need more romance, of course, and more than that, more passion. I need him to desire me... He says he does, but doesn't show it... he made no plans and did nothing for our anniversary...I, I, I, what about his needs? Do you satisfy them? Do you even know them? What plans did YOU make for your anniversary? Don’t be the woman sitting in front of the fireplace wanting the heat but refusing to give the wood first. Is HIS lack of passion a sign that I mean nothing to him? I've tried leaving and going to stay in a hotel, that worked for about a day because it became real to him how serious this problem was...but as I said, it worked for only a day!You will not solve your problem in the long run with threats. Try being more sexy and more understanding instead. he doesn't show that he feels anything for me anymoreHe is not a robot that can change his behaviors at will. He needs time to adapt. The man has lost touch with his inner true self. This can happen because of work or because of a smothering wife. Give him time and support to reconnect with his true self. Link to post Share on other sites
Missy27 Posted July 20, 2007 Share Posted July 20, 2007 I'm a Navy Wife. I've been married to my husband for four years; we dated for four years prior to that. In the last year, I've noticed a definite change in our relationship. I'm not like most women who expect the men in their lives to read their minds...I know what I want from my husband and I've expressed my needs and wants in detail with him on several occasions when we discuss this 'change in our relationship'... I need more romance, of course, and more than that, more passion. I need him to desire me... He says he does, but doesn't show it... An example, our 4th anniversary was this year (the first we have EVER spent together due to this military lifestyle)...I asked that we not spend hardly any money on each other, but do something for the other that has meaning....he made no plans and did nothing for our anniversary...I'm not that hard to please; he just makes absolutely no attempt.... Is HIS lack of passion a sign that I mean nothing to him? I've tried leaving and going to stay in a hotel, that worked for about a day because it became real to him how serious this problem was...but as I said, it worked for only a day! I do love him, but when he doesn't show that he feels anything for me anymore, I don't feel as though I am in love with him.... I don't want to give up...and I do believe He is the one, but I don't know how much longer I can live in this one-sided marriage! Any advice is appreciated! Now.. you see.... I'd love to be you today.... You know why ~~~ ? Cause if I were you I would be empowering myself by teling my H to pack his sh~t and get the hell outta my way. I'd be giving him a list of relationship self help books and telling him to get his backside into a motel for a month to read up on what being married is actually meant to be about. I'd be making sure that he knew that unless he sorts his sh~t out, you're gonna make his emotionally challenged ass bounce accross that divorce court at a rate of 100mph. (You dont have to mean the divorce bit of course ~~ you just need to make him think you mean it ~~ !!) Look lady. Women like you and me haven't got time for men with emotional hang-ups. We're clear and concise about what we want and we expect the same back from our men. There's alpha male and then there's just alpha-idiot and you're H is acting like the latter. Military or no military, this guy's personal priorities are all messed up. He better take a long hard look at himself before he loses much much more than his dignity. That means however that you gotta put you're foot down with a firm hand ~ ~ Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted July 20, 2007 Share Posted July 20, 2007 There's alpha male and then there's just alpha-idiot and you're H is acting like the latter. *snicker* ... ooh, I like that one, "alpha idiot" – it's right up there with "What? When they handed out brains you were hanging over the fence at clown school trying to see what was going on?" :lmao: to the original poster: don't work yourself into a frustration, because you'll only drive yourself nuts. Men are wired differently, therefore you are better off not having certain expectations that you would in a relationship with a close friend. He may feel that by keeping his nose clean, staying faithful, doing a job away from home without (much) complaint, providing for you and making sure you're safe and that your vehicle is in good running condition. They often don't think in terms of "sweet romance" because that's way different from "sweet love," you know? rather than focus on what he doesn't do, consider what he DOES do – my husband is an older version of yours, just not romantic in the way I'd hoped for ... like those hot guys in romance novels! However, this is the guy who will hold hands with me in public and even kiss on me when I move toward him for just that reason; he tends to my rosebushes so that he can cut off a bloom to give to me when I say, "hey, did you see the roses come out near the fenceline/in front of the house?" He's the guy who will go to the store to stock up on the big $1 hershey bars when they're on sale because he knows how much I love chocolate, and he'll give me his last bit of cash so that I can get my iced-tea fix every morning at the Dairy Queen. the point I'm trying to make is that his idea of romance is going to be different than yours, even when you hit him upside the head with a list of suggested romantic things you'd go for. He loves you; you just need to observe his actions to see just how he expresses it, and find joy in that. Mind you, it doesn't stop the longing for a truly romantic gesture on a semi-regular basis, but it does keep those ugly thoughts about his devotion from rearing up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted July 20, 2007 Share Posted July 20, 2007 "Sir, Yes Sir" ( ... here's where we see our retired Gunnery Sergeant reminding us at a decibel usually reserved for jet aircraft that "he worked for a living". ) Anyway, this is kind of like smoking in the ranks, but I just now posted the EXACT thing I'd say here onto another thread... so I'm gonna save my carpal tunnel and do a little 'cut & paste'. If you type into your browser the words, "why women leave men, marriagebuilders", you'll find an article there that will help you explain to your S/O what you're looking for within the relationship. You might also want to consider some pre-marital counseling, or at least some home-study. Books like The Five Love Languages by Chapman, and Love Busters by Harley will help you solve your communications problems and identify each other's emotional needs. The miscommunication is probably one of perceived control. IOW, he thinks you're trying to control him so he's dismissive (even hurtfully flippant) when you tell him what you need. Once he understands that the fulfillment of each partner's most basic emotional needs is imperative for the long-term success of the relationship, it's possible that he might reevaluate his stubborn stance. You know, the perks go both ways when BOTH partner's are committed to identifying and fulfilling each other's truest needs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author grnidgrl Posted July 20, 2007 Author Share Posted July 20, 2007 I, I, I, what about his needs? Do you satisfy them? Do you even know them? What plans did YOU make for your anniversary? Don’t be the woman sitting in front of the fireplace wanting the heat but refusing to give the wood first. You will not solve your problem in the long run with threats. Try being more sexy and more understanding instead. He is not a robot that can change his behaviors at will. He needs time to adapt. The man has lost touch with his inner true self. This can happen because of work or because of a smothering wife. Give him time and support to reconnect with his true self. I guess in my attempt to be brief "nonspiritual", I left out what I thought was implied...After our agrmt. to do something with meaning for our anniversary, I took our wedding videos, combined them, edited them and added music and created a DVD, which was much appreciated by him! I also planned a drive up in the mountains that included He and I visiting several places that we visited during our dating years...those were all my ideas for our anniversary... and still he produced nothing... In terms of sexy....trust me...you couldn't find anyone sexier or more interested in sex...that department is definitely not lacking. I have a much higher sex drive than most women, and in the area of variety and other needs, he has no complaints... In terms of smothering....I won't even address that one, but I will say this....This problem between he and I has gone on for a year or more and I've only brought it up probably three or four times. I was looking for applicable advice from someone with something useful to say, which is apparently not you.... FYI....assuming facts that are not explicitly stated is a dangerous tactic... Assumption is the mother of all @#!$ ups! Thanks to the others who gave practical advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author grnidgrl Posted July 20, 2007 Author Share Posted July 20, 2007 thanks! unlike another poster, your advice is encouraging to say the least! lol... at least it made me smile. Link to post Share on other sites
Author grnidgrl Posted July 20, 2007 Author Share Posted July 20, 2007 There's alpha male and then there's just alpha-idiot and you're H is acting like the latter. However, this is the guy who will hold hands with me in public and even kiss on me when I move toward him for just that reason; he tends to my rosebushes so that he can cut off a bloom to give to me when I say, "hey, did you see the roses come out near the fenceline/in front of the house?" He's the guy who will go to the store to stock up on the big $1 hershey bars when they're on sale because he knows how much I love chocolate, and he'll give me his last bit of cash so that I can get my iced-tea fix every morning at the Dairy Queen. I appreciate the input...but honestly, sounds like you already have a romantic one on your hands! As I said in my original post, I'm not hard to please, and those little gestures that your husband does for you is exactly what I'm looking for from my husband... Link to post Share on other sites
Author grnidgrl Posted July 20, 2007 Author Share Posted July 20, 2007 this is probably the most accurate advice I've received from this post... he has definitely changed since joining the military, and I always understood that, being a military daughter and sister as well. When he decided to join, he asked me for approval, but I told him I would never stand between him and his dream, so I held my opinion until after he signed up. After that, I expressed my sadness in the separation, but also my pride in him for serving his country. I've never been selfish in my relationship with him as other posters on this thread would assume. I've fulfilled his every need and desire throughout the course of our dating years and marriage. He agrees with that...I know nagging wives and smothering wives and I am not one of them... there are ALOT of those within the military community. anyway, thanks for the advice....i think this will be my last post to this forum. it's my first time ever doing this, and it's already pissed me off reading some of the responses....I can take criticism with no problem, you can't be involved with the military lifestyle and not be able to take criticism...but I will never lay down and let someone tell me that I am a smothering wife, or that I can't expect something from my husband without giving in return...... ok, i've vented enough! lol.... Link to post Share on other sites
notspiritual Posted July 20, 2007 Share Posted July 20, 2007 ", I left out what I thought was implied... FYI.... assuming facts that are not explicitly stated is a dangerous tactic... People give their opinions based on the information you give, the more information you give the more tailored the advice. My post was useful as you provided a clearer picture of your situation. Reread my post, I was not assuming, I was asking questions. it's already pissed me off reading some of the responses....I can take criticism with no problem It is hard to believe that you can take criticism with no problem as the opinion of an anonymous voice on an internet forum can lead you to give up on a fantastic resource of diverse opinions. Your last post is extremely one-sided. it is typical of people who can’t take criticism. I am not saying you are lying, I just point out what struck me. Good luck. I think you'll need it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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