Totally Devastated

[poobee34]

Totally Devastated

I am so sad...I found out 3 days ago that my husband of 14 years(partner for 17) has been cheating on me. he has walked out on me and our 4 kids. I have been with this man for half my life and at the moment I can't get my head around it. All those dreams and talks of doing this and that when we get older. This man has known me intimately since I was 17 and I can't visualise my life without him. He is 8 years older than me and i guess he decided, stuff you and the kids, time for me. But we all feel like that at some stage but just plod along with life. My only solace is that he went for someone 12 years older than me, and frankly looks it.

i have been acting like a crazy woman since and have been verbally warned by police twice, next time i get arrested. I just don't want her thinking she has won.....

Can anyone tell me when my tears will dry, I never knew I could cry so much. And my chest has felt constantly heavy. Anyone one out there able to give me some idea where to go next. Please help me understand. Linda

[Delarocha]

poobee34,

I'm sorry to hear about the pain you are feeling. If you are anything like most of us here you'll wake up every day (for a while) and feel like you're in a nightmare. The good news is, no matter how bad it hurts now you tears WILL dry in time. I know this seems to go completely against everything you feel in your heart, but however the situation works out you are the only one who can make the decision on when it's time to let your heartache go and begin building your life again.

 

My only advice would be to not give your husband and that woman the satisfaction of seeing how hurt you are. Do not do something crazy as your kids need you now more than ever. That said, I do not have children so I am only trying to empathize as best I can.

 

I know this man seems like the "love of your life" and although it is possible to recover a relationship where a partner has cheated, that scenario is definitely in the minority. Use your friends and family to lean on during this time. Try to start focusing on yourself and your children. Get out of the house, join a gym, or go for walks... anything to relieve some stress. (It helps much more than I ever thought it could) When the timing is right (sooner is better than later) I would seriously consider getting a lawyer and finding out what your options are.

 

I think you'll find some wonderful advice from others here on LS. Just know most of all that you are NOT alone. You've been hit, and hit hard, so you have some big decisions to make. Regardless, we'll be here if you want to just vent all your feelings. Take care of yourself...

[michael's_pain]

Linda,

 

First, I am so sorry to hear about your husband's actions. You must remember that you are not responsible for what he did. I know that right now, you are experiencing a pain that you never thought you would have.

 

Right now, the wounds are still very fresh, and the pain is immense. But you must not make the situation worse by doing anything you or your beloved children will later wish you had not done.

 

This is not about winning and losing right now. This is about the fundamentals of life: eating, sleeping, going to the bathroom and taking care of your four children, who will need you more than ever as this entire mess unfolds.

 

Delarocha is right that you need to focus on yourself, but we all understand how horrific and overwhelming that initial pain is. When you feel angry, sad, hopeless and need to vent, cry or shout, please do it here. Don't jeopardize your future, whether it's with your children or back with your husband, with any hasty and rash reactions right now.

 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. This group, these boards, we are all here as a community that cares for each other and helps each other. We have been where you are right now, and we will be with you every step of the way. Please keep posting! Mike

[mammax3]

Oh Linda. That is terrible.

 

It will get better, but that's a bunch of words that mean nothing right now, I know.

 

I agree with the others, getting into police trouble will NOT make things better for you or your children. Focus on the 5 of you and lean on your friends and family. Venting here is great, and there are so many people that have great words of advice.

 

My situation is a bit different, but my H left me after 5 years of marriage (10 altogether with our three kids (4,2,nb)) in April. It totally sucks, but it gets better and you get to see how strong and tough you can be! It's empowering, in a way.

 

It really does help being here, I think you'll find that too.

[ilmw]

Totally Devastated

I am so sad...I found out 3 days ago that my husband of 14 years(partner for 17) has been cheating on me. he has walked out on me and our 4 kids. I have been with this man for half my life and at the moment I can't get my head around it. All those dreams and talks of doing this and that when we get older. This man has known me intimately since I was 17 and I can't visualise my life without him. He is 8 years older than me and i guess he decided, stuff you and the kids, time for me. But we all feel like that at some stage but just plod along with life. My only solace is that he went for someone 12 years older than me, and frankly looks it.

i have been acting like a crazy woman since and have been verbally warned by police twice, next time i get arrested. I just don't want her thinking she has won.....

Can anyone tell me when my tears will dry, I never knew I could cry so much. And my chest has felt constantly heavy. Anyone one out there able to give me some idea where to go next. Please help me understand. Linda

 

Welcome to LS.. and sorry you are here for the reasons you are..

 

You have truly come to the right place for some comfort.. and good advise.

 

and.. I know you will/have heard this over and over again.. but.. DO NOT do anything to get yourself arrested. I'm not sure how Australina law works.. but because it is part of the Commonwealth.. and still has the Queen as a figure head.. it is based on British Common Law... and probably follows too Judges Rules.. based on the British Legal System.. (it is that way here in Canada) Point being after all that is.. Domestic related incidents tend to be look at a lot harsher and taken more serious than a like event.. If you make threats to cause bodily harm.. death etc.. you could be held in custody... (I say could as .. like I stated earlier.. I don't work there).. You get held in custody... who watches your kiddies...?

 

Put them first.. damn WH and the OW... you live your life.. the best way you can.. be happy and raise your kids with pride... Then You Win...!

 

Keep posting..too.. you will get some great advise from some fantastic people on here... been through what you have.. and come out the other side better for it...

 

Be strong... and be smart...

 

ilmw

[dgiirl]

Oh how I understand the need for revenge! But seriously, think about it. How does a married man convince a woman to cheat with him? He tells her stories about how bad his wife treats him, how she's crazy and how bad life is living with her. Now, what would seeking revenge do? It would just reinforce his lies to her. "See, she is nutz, look what she's doing" and it will just bring them closer together. Dont give EITHER one of them justification for what they are doing by seeking revenge. Yes, it sucks to take the high road, but it is beneficial to you in SO many ways. Yes, cry and vent all you want to here, but dont lose your self respect by showing it to them. And what exactly did the OW win? A man who cheats and lies and manipulates! Woo, go her, she rocks.

 

Focus on yourself and on your future. Your husband might have made the decision to leave, but YOU can make the decision RIGHT. I was bound and determined to make my life SO MUCH better than I ever had with my exh, and I'm achieving it! I had to fake it in the beginning, but I am getting there. And so will you if you want it!

 

Keep posting. It does help

[RecordProducer]

Poobee, congratulations! You got rid of your first man who could've been your one and only for the rest of your life. You're so clueless about how fun life can be when you are dating, living your life for yourself, not for him, wondering if Mitch is going to call you after the great sex you had or perhaps you should give John a chance...

 

After my divorce, I thought my life was over. That was it, I was never going to love again. I was also defective cuz I had two kids!

 

Oh, well I re-married, moved away, and am really happy now. The divorce was the second best thing that ever happened to me. My new husband adores my kids and my ex is such a loser, my heart is breaking for him.

 

I can't possibly imagine myself in the "previous life" with all the crap that I thought I was happy with. You don't even know how lucky you are. Being married to the same person your whole life is a boring punishment. Now tell me that you had a lot of excitement, fun, affection, great sex, and all the things you've ever wanted with your husband. Sure, right after a separation, we are always in denial that the ex was so great, just to realize a year or two later that we're lucky we're saved from the misery.

 

Buy a bottle of Champagne, invite your best friends and neighbors and celebrate your unexpected freedom!

 

You'll make it on your own, don't worry. You got anyone to baby-sit the kids? If yes, go out and have fun!

 

Oh... sorry, I forgot, you would rather do his laundry right now while he's watching TV and farting on the sofa.

[poobee34]

God, I thank you all for the advice and the sincere words of hope. Everyday brings a different emotion with it.. Today I am feeling the best I have since all this crap happened. I just packed up the kids and went to visit family I had not seen in 7 years, just for 3 days. But those 3 days is what i needed.

I made the mistake of visiting him to talk when the kids were asleep, just to really talk. We had sex then after he told me to go home to the kids.....so I go home and can not believe how stupid I was.

To be honest I couldn't stop taking my mobile with me where ever i walked in case HE rang me, and when he did yesterday all we did was fight and he then told me finally, it is over for good. Well after i cried for about 3 hours i thought f*** you. I have more brains then you, i am definitely better looking, more youth on my side, so i am not going to let him beat me. I hope i feel like this tomorrow.

My kids are my life, but I also intend to let my hair down once I feel up to getting dressed up. Yep I do agree, my relationship was not perfect and now I wish it finished a long time ago.

[sumdude]

God, I thank you all for the advice and the sincere words of hope. Everyday brings a different emotion with it.. Today I am feeling the best I have since all this crap happened. I just packed up the kids and went to visit family I had not seen in 7 years, just for 3 days. But those 3 days is what i needed.

I made the mistake of visiting him to talk when the kids were asleep, just to really talk. We had sex then after he told me to go home to the kids.....so I go home and can not believe how stupid I was.

To be honest I couldn't stop taking my mobile with me where ever i walked in case HE rang me, and when he did yesterday all we did was fight and he then told me finally, it is over for good. Well after i cried for about 3 hours i thought f*** you. I have more brains then you, i am definitely better looking, more youth on my side, so i am not going to let him beat me. I hope i feel like this tomorrow.

My kids are my life, but I also intend to let my hair down once I feel up to getting dressed up. Yep I do agree, my relationship was not perfect and now I wish it finished a long time ago.

 

Sorry it's all coming apart for you. Things will get better everyday. You'll go through the stages of grief...in no particular order. You'll bounce between reage and sadness a bit.

 

denial/disbelief

anger/rage

sorrow/depression

bargaining/can it be fixed?

acceptance

 

Cut contact with your soon to be ex to the bare necessities involving the kids. Every time you talk with him it sets back your healing and ability to move on with your own life.

 

Check out this site... lots of great advice.

 

http://www.divorcerecovery101.com

[poobee34]

Hi Sumdude,

You are right, I have severed all contact with him and I feel better for it. i have not seen him for 4 days now but will have to today as I have packed up the rest of his gear and I want it out.tomorrow is our first visitation with the 2 little ones and I am going to meet in a publice place. I will no longer let him in this house. This is the worse part of it all. I just can't break away and never have to see him. F*** him for doing this.

[poobee34]

Great reply, wise words that i will take on board

[poobee34]

I know that i am not the only one to go through all the hurt and shock over a cheating husband and abandonment of it all ,but today I feel my life is crumbling apart. I am feeling so sad that I can't see any positives right now. I was doing ok until we met so he could see the kids yesterday.I was a stupid mess and showed him how I was feeling. He must be feeling so empowered and knows exactly how to keep me down. How can one person make you feel such despair.I really need someone to talk me through this. please help me.Linda

[polywog]

poobee, bumping you to the very top of LS posts because you need it.

 

Just also want to give you my hugs and support, because of the roller coaster you've been forced to ride. You don't deserve to be on it, but all rides have a beginning and an end (you're in the worst part now) and I know that other LSers who've been on your particular roller coaster will come to your side.

 

I know these are just words, and you feel miserable, but I send you my best vibes....

[ilmw]

I know that i am not the only one to go through all the hurt and shock over a cheating husband and abandonment of it all ,but today I feel my life is crumbling apart. I am feeling so sad that I can't see any positives right now. I was doing ok until we met so he could see the kids yesterday.I was a stupid mess and showed him how I was feeling. He must be feeling so empowered and knows exactly how to keep me down. How can one person make you feel such despair.I really need someone to talk me through this. please help me.Linda

 

Poobee... this is still all new to you... its a fresh wound... it has not had time to heal.

 

If you can not face him.. consider letting him have access to the kids through a 3rd party like a relative.. (Mother brother or sister..etc) That way you don't feel like you are weak... you don't feel like you are empowering him. Which just frustrates you.. which inturn upsets you even more.

 

You really need to delve deep inside yourself... and find that strength you need..

 

I'm sure you have.. but read through some of the other ladies threads.. as you have kids.. I suggest you read Mammax3 thread.. she was about to give birth when her H took of on her...

 

I understand your pain is your own pain... and you are living it... but when we see others going through what we are... it can help.

 

I did this... and was relieved in a small way.. that I am not having it that bad... compared to some other guys and gals on LS..but... its my life.. and I am here...feeling it... and it is not just words on a computer screen.

 

Have you looked into IC...?

 

LS is a little quite tonight... but be patient.. others will post... k

 

I hope I helped in some small way...:bunny:

[dgiirl]

Linda, you will be ok! Trust me, all the pain you are feeling is temporary. Yes, it might take a few months or a year or two before you feel whole again, but it WILL happen, you must have faith in that.

 

You need to get that spunk and fight into you. You need to look at this situation as an opportunity to redefine your life and make it the best thing that ever happen to you. And you alone can do that for yourself! We dont very often get the chance to re-do our life, and so you have a choice to either squander this opportunity or make something better for yourself. Your happiness is in your complete control, and in time you will understand this better, but your thoughts and what YOU decide to focus on determines your happiness. You can either think about your past and what once was but never became, or you can look to your future and get excited about all the opportunities that are about to happen for you.

 

Read as much as you can on self help. It helped me tremendously. Every weekend, I would go to the library by myself just to get out of the house and I read. I read so much that i'm now sick of reading But it definitely helped me a lot! You need to keep busy and that means getting outside every single day whether you feel like it or not. It means forcing yourself to get involved in life and fill yourself up with other people and situations and experiences. Right now, your "love" life is down the drain, but that doesnt mean your whole life is. You are MORE than just this romance. And you were ok BEFORE you met your husband, you will be ok AFTER him. One thing that helped me focus was reading the passage "He's just a guy from my past". We all have people from our pasts, and we didnt stop living just because they are no longer in our lives. Your husband will be no exception.

 

If you havent already, I recommend getting a journal and writing in it daily. Two important questions you need to ask yourself daily would be did you have fun today? and did you accomplish something today? You need to make sure you have fun and you take care of your responsibilities every single day. Fun can be as simple as having a nice chat with a friend, or watching the birds in the trees, anything and everything that puts just a little smile on your face. Accomplishments would be making sure you are taking care of your bills, or job, or anything that one needs to do in life. I also wrote daily 10 things that I'm grateful for. When you start reflecting on the good that happens daily, you will start to see some changes in your life. They will be small at first, but in time, you will start to feel better and realize that you are in complete control over your happiness. Also, I strongly believe that when we start to appreciate the things in our lives, we build positive energy which produces MORE positive things to appreciate. I just watched "The Secret" and they talk about this in more detail. A lot of what they talked about I learned during my own separation/healing, especially about the positive karmic energies producing more positive energies.

 

And please remember, you are ALLOWED to cry at this moment. You are feeling a lot of pain and it's healthy to get it out. Dont compare your pain to others because your pain is YOUR pain and you are entitled to feel it and mourn your marriage. But you will also know when you are dwelling too much in your own self pity, and this is when you need to kick yourself in the arse and start focusing on the present moment and not the past. You WILL get through this. Read some of our stories here and you will start to see some patterns, and it brought me comfort to know that if others could make it, that I could make it too. We are stronger than we think we are, and I do believe that god/mother nature/spiritual entity gives us as much as we're capable of handling. You would NOT be going through this if you couldnt handle it. You CAN handle it, and there is a reason you are going through this. It might not be clear to you right now, but I do believe there is a reason we're meant to go through this. And one of those reasons is because our lives were not healthy and this is the universes way of making things better for us. You have to mourn your past tho and then heal yourself before the good will come, but it WILL come.

[mammax3]

Hi Linda

 

I agree with dgiirl. Writing in a journal helps get your feelings and emotions out so you have more room inside for finding your strength. If you keep holding it and holding it all inside, then you may find you will let it out when you don't expect to (like in front of numbnuts) or when you're not ready to talk about it (in front of kids). And it'll show you how far you've come. It's cathartic and a great way to vent without hurting anyone.

 

ilmw has some good ideas about how to avoid seeing him right now while you're still so vulnerable. You do have that strength inside (I think we women must - especially if we have kids!) and you need to tap it. Do whatever you need to keep it out there.

 

Keep posting, it is great to get the feedback, and to know you're not alone.

 

((hug))

[poobee34]

Oh thank you so very much to polywog,ilmw and to dgiirl for your appreciation and understanding for my erractic emotions.Sometimes I walkaround this house thinking I am the only one to be going through this and I know Im not. I do have strong moments and reading your replies makes me feel one now.

I have spunk and I do ever so yearn to start my new chapter as a positive change. Thank you again, it has made a very bleak day turn into a im ok day.Linda

[poobee34]

Hi Mammax3 ,

thank you for my hug and strong words. Yes i shall be strong for the kids, they are the love of my life. i will start a journal as I find writing clears my head and eases my pain. I return the hug to you and hope that today is a kind day to you.Linda

[poobee34]

It's been 2 weeks since I found out about my cheatingf* husband, who then left me and our 4 kids. I have shamelessly begged him to come back, give counselling a go, move away if it meant that will would reunite.Only 5 days ago he asked for my forgiveness and said it would give us another go.( i have been with him 17 years). He came over , i cooked dinner for him and let him stay overnight. Only for him to get up in the morning and say I have to go,I don't think I can do this.

I feel like like this has set me back. he's staying in a caravan park, that I must say is extremely seedy so I went there with my younger 2 kids ,who are 3 and 2, and wanted to know there and then what he is doing???? He shoved my daughter out the door and started to with me. Well I lost it, threw some of his left over dinner(chips&gravy) all over him and the van. Then I slapped him in the face, I have never done that before, then thought that wasn't hard enough and gave him a couple more.I ranted and raved for a few minutes then left.

I feel alot better about it now but just asking did anyone else go through that and feel stronger for it? i honestly do not this man anymore. He would of been the last person I thought of capable of doing all this, I actually thought we were so close. Now he sees the kids when it suits him and parties all the time and seems to just of finish his life with us all and move on.

where do I go from here?

[poobee34]

Its been over 8 weeks since my ex husband left me and i feel like I have got no where. Instead of feeling anger towards the cheating S.O.B I feel so depressed, the life I have been living is completely gone. For 17 years I have devoted my life to this man and now I am left with 4 kids,whom I love so much, but I am totally alone. To say I am not coping is an understatement, i am a mess. And I don't think I will feel what I had for all those years with someone else and yet the prospect of living on my own is so daunting.

I am feeling so lost tonight and confused to how I am suppose to be living and surviving how do you cope with all the ****?My life has temorarily stopped and I don't know how to get back on track, to take control of it. How do I?

Linda