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Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

Old 12th May 2007, 9:32 AM   #1
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Exclamation blindsided

First of all, thank you to each person who reads this. I need friends and support right now and from reading other posts I know I can find it here.

My story is like many others. I met my wife in graduate school, we fell in love hard and fast and were married 2 years later. We moved our lives from NY to DC, and began careers. She changed her career two years into the marriage, taking a 75 percent pay cut to teach piano -- which she could do because she had my financial and emotional backing.

Also, I did everything around the house -- cooked, cleaned, laundry, etc -- because she thought those things were beneath her.

She had been sexually assaulted before we met, and we went through systematic desensitization to get through that and have some semblance of a sex life. Well, then we tried to have a family and battled massive infertility for four years with no success. In August 06, we were told we would never have biological children and so we mourned that in our own ways. We started the adoption process and then, less than one month ago, she stopped it, saying she had real concerns with our marriage and my understanding of her. Said we were different people and I didn't respect her career. Said she didn't want to give up her stuff for us. We've been having this conversation for the last few weeks, and then it happened...she slept with a co-worker of hers on Monday and I found out last night.

I'm devastated. Everyone I talk to tells me how wrong she is, but that's little salve to my ache. I contacted an attorney this morning, and last night she said she doesn't see the point in marriage counseling.

OK, group -- HELP me work through this!
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Old 12th May 2007, 10:08 AM   #2
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We started the adoption process and then, less than one month ago, she stopped it, saying she had real concerns with our marriage and my understanding of her. Said we were different people and I didn't respect her career. Said she didn't want to give up her stuff for us. We've been having this conversation for the last few weeks, and then it happened...she slept with a co-worker of hers on Monday and I found out last night.
Just based on your post... I'd say she's been involved with this co-worker since around the time her attitude toward you changed so completely. There's a possibility this wasn't a one and off.

If it was me... I'd "open the cage door".
When you chase... they tend to RUN. But when you back off and allow them to understand they might REALLY be losing you, sometimes that knowledge will poke a hole in the fantasy bubble.

Frankly, it sounds like this chick comes with quite a bit of emotional baggage. I don't think she'll have an easy time maintaining relationships with other people and have them put up with as much crap from her.

Btw... this is your golden opportunity to cut your losses and move on. Give some thought as to what YOU want in your life. You might just decide you're better off without her. Usually it takes about three weeks to make a good decision on something like this. The knee-jerk reaction is to try to fix it ASAP, But if you give yourself a little time, remaining noncommittal, you might find yourself in a better position to assess your own truest wants and needs.
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Old 12th May 2007, 10:27 AM   #3
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First of all, thank you to each person who reads this. I need friends and support right now and from reading other posts I know I can find it here.

My story is like many others. I met my wife in graduate school, we fell in love hard and fast and were married 2 years later. We moved our lives from NY to DC, and began careers. She changed her career two years into the marriage, taking a 75 percent pay cut to teach piano -- which she could do because she had my financial and emotional backing.

Also, I did everything around the house -- cooked, cleaned, laundry, etc -- because she thought those things were beneath her.

She had been sexually assaulted before we met, and we went through systematic desensitization to get through that and have some semblance of a sex life. Well, then we tried to have a family and battled massive infertility for four years with no success. In August 06, we were told we would never have biological children and so we mourned that in our own ways. We started the adoption process and then, less than one month ago, she stopped it, saying she had real concerns with our marriage and my understanding of her. Said we were different people and I didn't respect her career. Said she didn't want to give up her stuff for us. We've been having this conversation for the last few weeks, and then it happened...she slept with a co-worker of hers on Monday and I found out last night.

I'm devastated. Everyone I talk to tells me how wrong she is, but that's little salve to my ache. I contacted an attorney this morning, and last night she said she doesn't see the point in marriage counseling.

OK, group -- HELP me work through this!

I am sorry, I know this must be very hard on you, I have alot of similarities with you and reading your post just freaked me out because it is what I fear the most.

We have been going through infertility problems and still are plus we had 2 miscarriages and a still born and its has changed my wife and the dynamics of the whole marriage. It is something very difficult to live through and it is very hard on a marriage. My wife also has a co worker that to me seems a little too friendly.

I wish I had some answers for you but I really don't and for most unless they have gone through infertility issues have no idea what it is all about. All the pain and suffering that a marriage goes through. Never mind about the emotional issues she already has from the sexual assault she went through before. I feel for ya.
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Old 12th May 2007, 11:08 AM   #4
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Divorce her and move on. Why do you even want a woman like this?
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Old 12th May 2007, 11:45 AM   #5
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Jane, you're right -- knee jerk is to fix and repair because of fear of the unknown. We just spoke again and it sounds like her music career is her main passion, and everything else is secondary and therefore not a priority. She does have a ton of baggage and I guess I'm simply comfortable with it and used to it. I will take the requisite time and talk to people who have known me best for a long while and work through things.

Gazoo, what I can tell you is, GET COUNSELING NOW. I wish I had done so when we were not able to have sex with each other because of her assault. But we kept fixing things on our own, only they weren't permanent fixes. It was duct tape on a crack in a huge damn...it slowed the trickle but has burst. Infertility is a bitch, and it's a death each time -- and we all know the stats on the number of couples that survive deaths in the family.

Woggle, that's why I came here. To get the unvarnished opinions of those who have also been through this. I love your candor!
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Old 12th May 2007, 11:50 AM   #6
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I have dealt with a cheater before and the most thing to do is leave her. Wasting your time with her might keep you from meeting a woman who treats you how you should be treated. If I stayed with my 1st wife after her cheating I would have never met my current wife and I would have dealt with even more drama. Even if you manage to save the marriage for now there is much more drama down the road so get this load off your back.
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Old 12th May 2007, 12:53 PM   #7
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so...

Pardon my ignorance, but what are the steps to divorcing and moving on? I'm so new to all of this that I can't begin to think about what to do first...
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Old 12th May 2007, 1:05 PM   #8
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Pardon my ignorance, but what are the steps to divorcing and moving on? I'm so new to all of this that I can't begin to think about what to do first...
This monday contact a lawyer and get your legal ducks in a row then serve her with papers.
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Old 12th May 2007, 1:13 PM   #9
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This monday contact a lawyer and get your legal ducks in a row then serve her with papers.
...also get into some individual counseling asap, I see some issues that you have that resulted in you doing all the things around the house--cooked, cleaned, laundry, etc because your SO thought those were beneath her AND even being with a woman with the issues that your soon to be ex wife has.

This weekend spend time reading about divorce and moving on here at LS. Post often, usually you'll get a reply pretty quickly.

Take care of yourself first. Good food, enough sleep if that is possible right now and begin to prepare yourself mentally for your soon to be ex wife wanting to come back to you after she finds out the grass isn't greener with the OM.
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Old 12th May 2007, 1:20 PM   #10
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this just seems so ridiculous

we're living in the same house and ignoring each other. she's using the guest room and bathroom and just living her life around me. for my part, i'm hurt and angry and am torn between trying to get couples counseling or simply calling it quits. And what you're telling me is, call it quits. This feels very hard to do...
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Old 12th May 2007, 1:40 PM   #11
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You and I are living the same weekend...

I'd take you for a beer if I could...

Mike, my wife and I are pretty much going to be done. She hasn't cheated physically, but she has EMOTIONALLY and she would have gone all the way pretty soon. She admits to thinking about it and being interested in other people for the past 6 months.

I will let her separate and then we will probably end up becoming divorced. I have a feeling she will regret this and come back after a few dates, but I will probably be gone by them.

I feel for you brother. Read up. Learn and take care of YOU. I have been doing that and it still feels like I am dying right now. Some time apart will be good for my mind and I will be able to focus on me.

You and I are in the same place. I was the housekeeper and her guardian. I did everything and when one thing was left undone or not to her satisfaction, it was my azz on the line. So, I know how you feel. Stop doing anything unless it is for YOUR benefit.

Take a walk, look at the pretty girls and think that someday soon you may be in the arms of someone who cares for you the way you need them to. That's how I feel. When we started to get rough, I noticed every time a pretty girl smiled at me and I noticed flirting women around my workplace and realized that there are others out there for me. The tough thing is getting out of this rut for us right now. Once she is out of my place (and yours) I am suggesting that we both hit the dating websites and build up some confidence and go out on a few innocent dates. I know we will probably be thinking about our STBX but it will be a good thing.

Hey, that sounds like a good thread! Maybe I will start it!!!!
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Old 12th May 2007, 2:39 PM   #12
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...for my part, i'm hurt and angry and am torn between trying to get couples counseling or simply calling it quits. And what you're telling me is, call it quits. This feels very hard to do...
Of course it feels very hard to do because you have defined yourself by being her rescuer/slave/whipping boy/maid/strength/shoulder to lean on...etc. So in a sense perhaps you might feel less than whole without her maybe?

She treats you like a maid/slave, refuses to make a financial contribution to the household that you were led to believe that she would be making, sex with her is not your idea of satisfactory and then she's f*cking a co-worker on the side.

My guess is that she is in a fantasy world of her own right now and this is you golden opportunity to get out with minimal damage to your finances and etc.

Are you going to wash her semen stained underwear and pretend there's nothing wrong? Are you going to cook her meals and leave them at the end of the hallway for her to get when you're out of sight? Are you going to continue to support her financially so that she can spend community money on her f*ck buddy?

If you're smart you'll take the pain and get out of the marriage now. Get her an apartment. Don't go moving out of the community house, talk to an attorney yes but don't go fighting too much on principle because that'll just eat away at the assets you have.
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Old 12th May 2007, 2:43 PM   #13
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what if I lack the assets to get her an apartment?
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Old 12th May 2007, 2:53 PM   #14
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It's time to get to work on yourself. Get busy... REALLY BUSY. Keep yourself occupied with goals to reach in your life for yourself that can happen regardless of your marital situation.Time to get selfish and self interested. It's gonna hurt ... kind of like going to the dentist. You know it's gonna hurt but you have to get that work done or it just gets worse.

You know I went through a very similar situation. My soon to be ex was molested when young. We had fertility issues and i fell into a bad drinking pattern. Of course she, like most wayward spouses .. blamed all the relationship ills on me. In some ways at least she had the decency to move out.

You are at the crossroads of either trying to save this drowning thing of a marriage or save yourself. Always have to save yourself first! Maybe there's hope for the marriage... maybe ... but unless you're in shape to tackle it there's just no way. Be firm with her. If she does not end it right now with the other guy tell her she's out on her own. Your state may have some separation thing where spousal support is required. That all depends on your situation. Since she does work then you may not be responsible for much if anything. She is breaking the marriage and her life is now HER responsibility.

Let her go.....

Oh yeah .. and that thing about her ending the adoption... i would bet that's about the same time things started heating up with the OM.
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Old 12th May 2007, 4:52 PM   #15
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what if I lack the assets to get her an apartment?
If you own your home I'd strongly recommend that you do not move out. She cheated, she doesn't want to work on the marriage--she gets to move out.

If you are renting then it's time to get separate places and that could mean downsizing but it would only be temporary as I'm sure you'll do great without her to weigh you down and as you make progress in your IC.
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