Waterfall Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 [FONT=Verdana]My story is long but I will try and sum it up to the main points. I have been married for a year and half with my H nearly 9 years. The conclusion I have come to after a very emotional year is that I simply have fallen out of love with him. Of course this does not happen without reason. We were very happy the first couple of years but he cancelled our “1st wedding” and we broke up for a while, he was seeing someone else I now know he was seeing her while we were together although he never admitted it. I think deep down he may have been with someone else a couple of months later, but we then rescheduled the wedding and got married, I know that he has been nothing but faithful since then. Its like the wedding was the turning point in his life, he is a different man since then one I waited for 7 yrs. Me on the other hand, I changed. I spent so long, worrying about where he was who with, trying to make him love me etc.. By the time I got married, I already had my own life, I had grown tired of staying at home, waiting for him to come home, so I went out made new friends and got my confidence back. Then 8 mths after we married, I went away with the girls and met this most amazing man, I am ashamed to say we kissed, but that was all. He lives in a different country and was engaged at the time. We kept in touch by email and a week later he ended the engagement, not because he wanted to be with me but because he knew he couldn’t be in love with her if he could have feelings for someone else. Anyway to cut a long story short, we saw each a couple of times over the next 8 mths, we grew very close and I fell deeply in love with him. The inevitable happened when he could no longer cope with the fact I had not yet left my H. I thought I was going to be ok with this as I do love my H, I had not been physical with him the whole time as we had our own issues and I knew if I wanted to make it work I could not have the OM in my head or in my life. It didn’t take me long to realise that the damage had been done and I no longer loved my H as much as I have tried I cannot get it back. The OM has moved on but still loves me, I know if I leave my H there is a good chance I will not be with him, BUT, I am prepared for this afterall it is hurting my H more to stay with him just happy, he deserves someone he loves him dearly he is a fabulous man. What I am wondering is how do you get the strength to leave someone you do love but the magic is not there, and deep down you know its not right, I know going to the OM is not the answer, I do believe we will end up but for now its not the answer, I could turn around and stay with H and probably be happy but not in love.[/FONT] [FONT=Verdana]Please don’t judge me for not telling H about A, but if I was sure he was what I wanted I would have told him but I don’t want to hurt him anymore than I have to because at the end of the day if I am going to leave him its for me and not because of this other man. Thanks for listening…[/FONT] Link to post Share on other sites
stockmos Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 Hi Waterfall, I read you story and while it is different to mine, there are a lot of similarities. I too have been with my partner for over seven years ago, I began an affair over a year ago, and in my situation she is now dating someone, which I am very happy for her about, but we still have a very special bond that we both think will never disappear. I have asked all the same questions as you; I could have written the last part of your post word for word (only reversing the sexes). I have been to individual counselling and well... to answer the crunch question: to leave is going to be very very hard; as my therapist illustrated to me, why do you think some people go on and on in relationships in which they are not totally happy? Unfortunately there is therefore no painless solution here - it's a hard fact that it's much harder to leave someone you have feelings for. I have also been on the receiving end of this as the one dumped twice in the past, and another problem is that you may leave and then decide to go back - and then leave again. This happened to me twice, and I have no hard feelings for either woman, in fact one is still a dear friend, but it's a lot harder when the boot is on the other foot! I think sooner or later, both you and I have to make the same decision - either to stay in the relationship and really give it 110%, or leave. Because love is still there it's so easy to sit the middle because there is a force pulling in both directions. But the conclusion I have come to is there really is no easy way. The only "easy way" is to stay in the relationship and let it rot until it ends, which is what a lot of people do - but you don't want that and nor do I. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 If you want a divorce... go get one. The best way is probably to just go ahead and rip the band-aid off clean instead of picking at it. Decide what you want, and then don't give out any mixed messages. The "mixed messages" are unnecessarily hurtful. I took a quick look at your other threads, and quite frankly... I don't believe you'll be happy with what you have until it's gone. I think you're unfairly comparing a guy you've been with for many years to the recent excitement of your infatuation with the OM. But... when it's all said and done, you'll more than likely learn the difference. Unfortunately sometimes people just have to learn it for themselves. If you are one such, you won't be satisfied until you have this lesson under your belt, so you might as well get it over with. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 Hi its waterfall from my home I dont have the password! I just wanted to thank you both for replying. Stockmos, I am sorry to hear you are going through the same thing, I really hope you find the strength to do the right thing, I reckon if we could just say those words, and stop being such scardey cats. Its not easy you know that. Ladyjane I admit I am very, very mixed up perhaps you are right I will not be happy until its gone, I wish I could see my Dh for what he is unfortunately I can't. For now I have nc with om, and thats helping me focus more, some days I want to come clean and tell all to h, but as I said before I would only do that if I wanted my marriage to work for sure, (not that I think for a 2nd he would forgive me) and others I just want to pack my bags and leave... Link to post Share on other sites
stockmos Posted March 13, 2007 Share Posted March 13, 2007 Hi its waterfall from my home I dont have the password! I just wanted to thank you both for replying. Stockmos, I am sorry to hear you are going through the same thing, I really hope you find the strength to do the right thing, I reckon if we could just say those words, and stop being such scardey cats. Its not easy you know that. Ladyjane I admit I am very, very mixed up perhaps you are right I will not be happy until its gone, I wish I could see my Dh for what he is unfortunately I can't. For now I have nc with om, and thats helping me focus more, some days I want to come clean and tell all to h, but as I said before I would only do that if I wanted my marriage to work for sure, (not that I think for a 2nd he would forgive me) and others I just want to pack my bags and leave... I think you can get the passwod sent to your email if you have lost it. All that makes total sense. The NC is a good idea. Whether or not you decide to come clean is up to you - whatever feels right for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts