Husband wants separation

[KAM]

First off I would like to say any and all help would be appreciated. I guess I'll start from the beginning. My husband and I have been married for around 4 years and together for 5. I am currently 23 and he is 27. We both work full time jobs 8-5 and we have no children. Our biggest issue in the marriage is space. He wants a lot of it.

 

I don't mind giving him the space but he acts like I should be a mind reader and just know when he needs it. He likes to go fishing and play basketball with his brother which I don't mind but I want us to do things together also.

 

Last year he said that he loved me but wasn't in love with me and didn't want to be together any longer....this happened about 3-4 times. Each time we would talk about it and say we would try and make things better but nothing really seemed to change. I tried to back off. He started going to a gym with his brother after work and I had once asked him if he felt that he was getting enough space b/c if not I would try and back off some more. Things were going pretty well the last 3-4 months of last year until mid January.

 

January is my birthday and it seemed like he forgot it. It fell on a Saturday and I had to remind him it was my birthday:( Things just seemed to keep getting worse. I had told him I was going to take tennis lessons on Thursdays to give me something to do and start school back maybe in April to give him some space.

 

Valentines day rolls around and I made him this pretty nice gift basket. He then told me on my lunch break that he wasn't happy and blah blah blah. That he felt like nothing has changed. But we ended the note that I would try to give him more space and we would see where it would go.

 

Well that Saturday he was going to go fishing with his brother and I was telling him that I would like for us to do some things together and thats when he went off on me telling me that it wasn't working out and that he pretty much had his mind made up on Valentines day. He wants a separation. So I put in a months notice at work and I'm currently staying with him in our house.

 

What can I do to make the situation better. For him to see that we can work things out. He doesn't think things will change...but he did tell me he loves me...we get along great but he doesn't think were meant to be in a relationship together. Sorry this is so long....but I wanted to get as much info in as possible. Thank you in advance for reading!

[KAM]

Any comments or help would be greatly appreciated.........

[ilmw]

Any comments or help would be greatly appreciated.........

 

Have you attempted MC? Have you read any books on relationships?

 

Educating yourself... is a good step to figuring the problems out. You could also IC... it helped me greatly... I learned my sh*t did stink

 

Also.. be patient.. others will post.. just give it time...k

 

ilmw

[jmargel]

I would look into marriage counseling, with your ages good chance he's still wet behind the ears. Do you think another woman is involved? Do you actually think he's going out with his brother all these times?

 

Reason I ask is that my aunt who was married close to 30 years has what most people thought was a 'great marriage'. He died suddendly and 2 weeks after she found a hidden safe. Inside this safe was pictures of him & his mistress and divorce papers signed by him that she never knew about. All the times he was 'visiting' his brother in NYC, he was actually seeing her.

 

Something just gets me as there is more to this.. Just an instinct.

[Gunny376]

First off your still pretty young. I mean for Christmas sake you were only 18 when you got together, 19 when you got married ~ him? He was only 22 when you got together, and 23 when you two got married?!

 

What do you know about being married? Zilch! Nothing! Nadda! And, if you continue going down the path you're going to end up in divorce court.

 

He doesn't know either, he's just working off his emotions. He got married, and found out that it wasn't what he though it was. He see his buddies that didn't get married, out there having a good old time, doing what they want, when they want, how they want, with whom they want without some old lady busting their chops about where they've been, what they've been doing, and who they been doing it with, etc.

 

I've got to tell you, statstically yoiu've only had about a 10% chance of pulling this off to begin with ~ the divorce rate for men 25 years or younger is 90%!

 

ilmw is right you need to go back to school and learn about the ins and outs of relationships, men and women, cross-gender communication, and the inter-dynamics of being married. IC and MC (with or without the DH) ~ would be a good investment for you, so that you know what you need to know in order to make a marriage work. And, sincee you can't go down to your local community college and take "Marriage 101" get ye to a book store and start reading, learning, growing and educating yourself. A good place to start would be Marriagebuilding and Divorcebusting, and take heed of the book offers there ~ buy them ~ read them ~ and read them again.

 

Meanwhile with the DH, he wants space? Give it to him! Lots of it! People want what they can't have, and he's grown un-appreciative of what you've got to offer. He's taking you for granted, and has other priorties in his life ~ and you're not one of them. You're fully vested into the marriage and the relationship ~ and he's not. Youy're the one that's doing all of the work ~ and he's not doing spit! Why would you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you? If doesn't mean that you're a lump a coal ~ it simply means that he's taken you for granted and doesn't appreciate what he has and what you've got to offer.

 

I'd get busy finding someone who's interested in me and spending time with me, and who appreciates me for the person that I am, and for the hard work, scarifice, committment, determination, that you're willing to put into a relationship ~ instead of spending all my time alone with someone who's half-assing it.

 

You know, you don't have to be by yourself to feel alone?!

[MoonGirl]

I agree...most men don't ask for more space for no reason. Has he always wanted this kind of extra space? What about when you were dating? If not, something is fishy.

 

Check out www.marriagebuilders.com. There is a lot of information there about infidelity, how to behave if you suspect your husband of it, and other great advice on how to save a marriage.

[KAM]

Sorry I just got back from my lunch break. Husband will not go to MC and to top it off I just found out I'm pregnant today......I'm not sure what I'm going to tell him. I'm so scared.

[polywog]

My heart goes out to you, it's very much what I have been dealing with.

Some suggested reading: "Divorcebusting" and "The Divorce Remedy" by Michelle Weinberg. She also has a website, http://www.divorcebusting.com but the books are better and a good place to start. And definitely the site mentioned above, marraigebuilders.

 

You need to take care of yourself first of all because you're hurting and probably feeling panicked. LS has some terrific, compassionate, wise people so please keep posting.

 

bunnies for courage: :bunny:

[ilmw]

Sorry I just got back from my lunch break. Husband will not go to MC and to top it off I just found out I'm pregnant today......I'm not sure what I'm going to tell him. I'm so scared.

 

Oh crap...

 

I guess it could do to things... Wake him the hell up.. or drive him even further away..

 

In the mean time... educate yourself.. do IC..... whether you do manage to sort your marriage issues out or not... you will better... and feel better about yourself...

 

Are you sure you are pregnant? Did you confirm it with a Doctor?

 

let us know...

[KAM]

I missed my period for over a month and I got a little worried today. So I took a pregnancy test and it said pregnant. I thought there might be a mistake so I took another one and bingo it said the same thing. The last thing I want to do is push him further away. He has said to me that I'm a great wife, were good friends....He just didn't know what he wanted. Especially with our problem. BTW I wanted to say thank you all for posting replies back to me. I feel really alone and your advice means a lot. Thank you all

[whichwayisup]

It sounds like he's immature and his actions, the way he treats you too, isn't ready to BE a responsible person, live up to his marriage vows. He wants to have the "single" life. He only wants to think of himself. When people get married it no longer becomes "I want this, I want that" it has to be "we want this and we want that." Compromise, sacrifice....He doesn't seem willing to do that.

 

The timing sucks, but you have to tell him about being pregnant. Maybe this could be the wake up call he needs to grow up and act like a husband, instead of just a good friend.

 

Hang in there.

[MoonGirl]

KAM,

 

Sweetie, you WILL be okay. What to tell him? - the truth...about how you feel, and that you're pregnant...tell him you're scared. He likely won't respond to pleading, guilt trips, or ultimatums at this point.

 

I have 2 children with a man who desired his space...to go out with friends, drink, smoke pot, flirt with other women... it was not a marriage. I asked him to meet my needs, and he couldn't...his social life was more important to him. What does it say to you that your husband wants his space and that he won't go to MC??? You are so young, and you deserve someone who DOES want to spend time with you. I hope your husband will realize this.

[Lor]

Sorry I just got back from my lunch break. Husband will not go to MC and to top it off I just found out I'm pregnant today......I'm not sure what I'm going to tell him. I'm so scared.

 

First off ~ if you want this child ~ CONGRATULATIONS!! :bunny: :bunny:

 

Regardless of what he wants or feels, whether it works out or not, whether he's there or not. You can do it yourself and the baby will have a wonderful mother. I'm living proof you can be a single mom, still manage to get a college education, and have a great career with beautiful children. Don't ever be afraid of doing it on your own!

 

okay, I edited this cuz it was sounding very harsh. Moongirl is right ~ no ultimatums, guilt trips so on and so forth. Tell him your pregnant and take it from there. One day at a time.

[MoonGirl]

First off ~ if you want this child ~ CONGRATULATIONS!! :bunny: :bunny:

 

Regardless of what he wants or feels, whether it works out or not, whether he's there or not. You can do it yourself and the baby will have a wonderful mother. I'm living proof you can be a single mom, still manage to get a college education, and have a great career with beautiful children. Don't ever be afraid of doing it on your own!

 

okay, I edited this cuz it was sounding very harsh. Moongirl is right ~ no ultimatums, guilt trips so on and so forth. Tell him your pregnant and take it from there. One day at a time.

 

Yes, I agree. You CAN be a succesful single mom if it comes down to that. I have a wonderful job and my 2 kids have wonderful, fulfilling lives. But I really hope your hubby comes around for you.

[KAM]

I just wanted to let you guys know I told my husband last night about the pregnancy. He took it a lot better than I expected. I told him I still respected his decision to separate and I didnt want him to feel obligated to stay with me...that I could raise the child on my own. Or we could work things out. He said that he wanted to work our problems out and raise the child together. I feel better about the situation now. Thank all that have posted for their words of wisdom, it is very much appreciated.

[MoonGirl]

KAM,

 

Good to hear your husband took the news well. If you need to vent anytime, feel free to keep posting here.

[KAM]

Ahh I thought the good news wouldn't last forever. Last night he sat me down and told me that he wanted me to have an abortion that he thought it was best for all involved. That he loved and cared for me but wasn't in love with me and didn't know if those feeling would ever come back. That he was with me basically b/c I'm pregnant. I told him that I could raise the child myself but I would move near my family in another state. He could see the child whenever he liked. But he didn't like that idea b/c if hes going to have a child then he wants to be a big part of it's life. I respect him for manning up to the responisbility but.... I don't want him to feel obligated b/c their is a child involved.

 

I told him if were going to make things work then we both needed to give 110% and work on our marriage and fixing our problems. But he said with even that he didn't know if the "in-love" feelings would come back and he didn't want to be unhappy like his parents were.

 

When I mentioned us both putting in effort to make things better I asked him if he would do it and he just sat there. Then I said it again and he was like I'll do whatever I can for the child. Then he wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the night. Left this morning without even a word. I called him later and asked him if he was mad at me for something and he was like no I just have a lot on my mind. Me not saying anything to you isn't the end of the world is it? I told him no that we would talk tonight.

 

Its funny. I came on here to look for advice how to save my marriage. Then reliaze that I don't want to be treated like this, no respect. I wouldn't take a child away from his father. Thats wrong on my part, but how do I get my husband to put his best foot forward for our marriage?

 

Thanks for listening / reading my ramble.

[Lor]

I told him that I could raise the child myself but I would move near my family in another state. He could see the child whenever he liked. But he didn't like that idea b/c if hes going to have a child then he wants to be a big part of it's life.

 

You do what you need to do, if that means moving closer to home, then so be it ~ you will need the family support. If he's sincere about wanting to be around his child, he'll follow. Don't try and make him stay if he doesn't want to.

[Gunny376]

Ahh I thought the good news wouldn't last forever. Last night he sat me down and told me that he wanted me to have an abortion that he thought it was best for all involved. That he loved and cared for me but wasn't in love with me and didn't know if those feeling would ever come back. That he was with me basically b/c I'm pregnant. I told him that I could raise the child myself but I would move near my family in another state. He could see the child whenever he liked. But he didn't like that idea b/c if hes going to have a child then he wants to be a big part of it's life. I respect him for manning up to the responisbility but.... I don't want him to feel obligated b/c their is a child involved.

 

I told him if were going to make things work then we both needed to give 110% and work on our marriage and fixing our problems. But he said with even that he didn't know if the "in-love" feelings would come back and he didn't want to be unhappy like his parents were.

 

When I mentioned us both putting in effort to make things better I asked him if he would do it and he just sat there. Then I said it again and he was like I'll do whatever I can for the child. Then he wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the night. Left this morning without even a word. I called him later and asked him if he was mad at me for something and he was like no I just have a lot on my mind. Me not saying anything to you isn't the end of the world is it? I told him no that we would talk tonight.

 

Its funny. I came on here to look for advice how to save my marriage. Then reliaze that I don't want to be treated like this, no respect. I wouldn't take a child away from his father. Thats wrong on my part, but how do I get my husband to put his best foot forward for our marriage?

 

Thanks for listening / reading my ramble.

 

First off ~ :mad: :mad:

 

What I'm about to write ~ I write as though I were your father, and you were my daughter.

 

I'd pack my trash, and move back home. This guy has no motivation to change, to want to try and change, and then to suggest that you abort ~ kll your baby? I've seen one cell organisims with more sensitivity.

 

And, when they'er garnsihing his paycheck for 25% child support each month, and he's living in a crapy apartment eating "Oddles of Noodles" he might re-consider ~ but I'd be damned if I took his sorry ass back.

 

He's not mature enough!

He's not responsible enough!

He not deserving of you!

[Ladyjane14]

There's a BIG difference between a "father" and a sperm donor.

 

If what he wants is for you to have an abortion... he's not got the basic tools to be a father to your child. Unfortunately for him, his preference isn't going to save him from his responsibility in paying child support though.

 

I think if I were you, I'd do as Gunny has suggested... pack your stuff and go on home. Tell hubby he can give you a call if he ever pulls his head out of his hindquarters. See an attorney as soon as you get there and establish spousal support. You'll need to make sure your medical insurance is being maintained as well.

 

I'd be willing to bet you've got a 'snake in your woodpile', dear. He sounds like a man whose mistress is leaning on him.

[jmargel]

If he actually wanted to abort his child it just shows you the lack of love he has for you and his unborn son/daughter. Right now he is acting like a child and you have way too much to worry about as it is, then to raise him as well.

 

Boot this guy out, and give him some tough love. He has major maturity issues.

[KAM]

If there is a snake in the woodpile, how would I find out? I've checked the phone records and have found nothing.

 

It's a tough position to be in but I think even though he says that if I don't have an abortion that he wants to be part of the childs life I will tell him this tonight:

I love and care about you but I will not be in a relationship where someone doesn't want to put 100% into fixing our problems. I don't think we should be together if your only going to do whatever for the child and not for us to. A happy home will help the child be happy.

 

I in a sense feel bad though if I move b/c I don't want to take away the change of my child knowing their father like they should. But I shouldn't stay in a relationship where the other half isn't determined to make things work, right?

[MoonGirl]

KAM,

 

You're not the one who should feel guilty about moving out! Your husband just requested that you have an abortion. WTF???

 

How to catch a cheater? Spy software on the computer, GPS device (hidden in the car), private investigator. Also, try posting in the infidelity or other man/other woman forum - the ladies there may have some good tips for you.

 

Go to the marriage builders website too for some advice on infidelity.

 

Here are some signs of infidelity I borrowed from a website:

Your spouse seems bored. Bored with you, with job, with kids, with hobbies, with life in general.

Your spouse seems to want danger or thrills in his/her life.

There is considerably less intimacy in your relationship. Your sex life is practically non-existent.

Your spouse has a low self-esteem.

You notice your spouse has a sense of confusion about self.

You spouse has become lazy, especially around the house.

You can't get your spouse to communicate with you.

Your spouse gets very defensive if you mention infidelity or affairs.

Your spouse is suddenly more attentive than usual.

Your mate is working longer hours at work.

Your spouse is dressing nicer, looking nicer.

You notice charges on credit card statement that don't make sense.

Your spouse is indifferent to family events like birthdays and holidays.

You find your partner has been lying to you about a variety of things.

Money becomes more of an issue between the two of you.

He/she doesn't want to go anywhere or do anything with you anymore.

You can't even get your mate to fight with you.

You feel as if you are being avoided.

Your partner abandons religious faith.

Your spouse seems more secretive.