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Moved out... What next?


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I was posting on the Infidelity board for a bit, but now since I haved moved out I guess I should start posting here...

 

Been out of the house since friday. Spoke to my wife once or twice since then and both times were a little tense at best but mostly stuck to speaking of the kids.

 

I speak to my girls 2-3 times a day and I miss everyone including my wife immensely.

 

I am basically maintaining "No Contact" with my wife except in cases of the children or finances. I am still hopeful that this will not lead us totally to divorce, but the reality of the situation doesn't escape me and I am preparing for the eventuality of a more permanent separation.

 

Even though I have a great network of friends who are looking out for me, I have really never felt more alone or more removed from my life. I am a bit numb...

 

I hope this separation helps more than it hurts. But it is already hurting a lot...

 

B

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So my father-in-law's 50th birthday party is this weekend. My wife asked her sister if I was going...

 

Now that we are no longer living together... do I go if she invites me or do I bail?

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If you're really close with your father-in-law, maybe you should give him a call and invite him out for lunch or bowling or something. Just tell him you'd love to celebrate the occasion, but you don't want to make it weird for his party.

 

If he says 'yes'.. arrange to do it a day or two BEFORE the party. Don't talk about the separation with him at ALL. Just tell him you don't want to put him in the middle and you know his loyalty by virtue of fatherhood must be to his daughter. No harm, no foul.

 

By making a good impression, being a gentleman and all that... he's going to be looking at his daughter like she's got green spots by the time he sees her at the party. ;)

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Thanks LJ... I may have posted in another board about my wife's relationship with her dad - it ain't great and the relationship between him an I is even less great. Case in point he literally lived around the corner from us for about 4 years and would only see my daughter(his only granddaughter at the time) at Christmas...

 

So going out one on one is definitely not an option.

 

On another note, I spent some time with my daughters last night while my wife went to her therapy appt. After she got home I put the girls to bed and she invited me to hang out and watch some TV. I stayed about an hour, we got along well and I left after "24" was over.(we've been watching that show longer than we're married!)

 

I let my wife know that I wasn't sitting around waiting for her to call me back. I explained the our relationship the way it was is over and we can never go back to that. I told her she needed to take the opportunity she has right now to work on herself and try to understand why she is where she is right now - thats what I am doing. I let her know that even if she called in a moment of weakness and asked me to come home - I wouldn't be coming back on a whim, major changes needed to happen. So I feel like I took some control back as far as who is deciding if the marriages continues or ends. After I got to where i am staying we exchanged a few IM's and then went to bed.

 

As for the party, I would consider coming if she asked, but I would have to see how things were looking on the day. I'd be reluctant to at least spend those hours with the girls.

 

We'll see what happens.

 

B

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Forgive me for speaking in MB terms... but are you in 'Plan A' or "Plan B' with your wife? :confused:

 

Because if you're in 'Plan A', hanging around watching TV is okay. It's gives her an opportunity to spend some quality time with you and creates a positive experience. Even though it's not fair to expect a spouse to compete for his partner's affection... that's what it boils down to in alot of ways.

 

If you're in 'Plan B' though, you're illustrating a stark contrast between what she can expect from being WITH you and what she can expect being WITHOUT you. 'Plan B' is like giving her a peek through the window of divorce. ;)

Bear in mind, once you're divorced... you're not going to want your ex-wife up your butt all the time. She needs to know it ahead of time.

 

If you type into your browser... "what are plan a and plan b, marriagebuilders, you'll get a brief overview. For more information, you might try a copy of Surviving An Affair.

 

In a perfect world... a fabulous "Plan A" should precede "Plan B". It makes the contrast all the greater when you go from fulfilling as many ENs (emotional needs) for your partner as possible.. to fulfilling NONE. If you haven't done a stellar 'Plan A' yet... that's probably where you should be.

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Thanks again LJ! Thats a great question... I get I need to give some real thought to whether I am in Plan A or Plan B... I am going to take a closer look at that see whats next.

 

B

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Not a good day... This is brutal. I am not sure whether to go Plan A or Plan B... My W claims she has stopped contact with the OM but I do not believe that ALL contact has stopped. So when I see that she is online for 3 hours last night I assume that she is chatting with him(she certainly isn't IM'ng me).

 

I could go Plan A if I assume she is not in contact with him. It is kind of what I am doing now but from a distance. I guess I am slowly trying to reconnect with her from the outside.

 

It would be hard to layout the Plan B approach to her since she claims to not have any contact with the OM how do I set boundaries based upon - "as long as you have contact with him". Plus she wanted this separation, and seems pretty focussed on finding her own place, moving out, and getting divorced. She is pushing me to get our taxes done so she can take half the return and use it for her rent and security on a new place.

 

Meanwhile, I am spending 12-14 hours at the office because I am staying somewhere that I am not exaclty comfortable - so I want to limit my time there. I've seen the kids for a few hours since Friday. I get so worried that they will get used to me not being there... I talk to them on the phone as much as I can.

 

I am being as good as I can. I have not called her. I IM'd her briefly last night. I did see her on Monday and spent an hour or so with her. I don't like feeling that there is a competition between our marriage, kids, and life together & this new guy. Bugs the S*** out of me.:mad: :mad:

 

I put on a good front with people, but the reality is that I miss my wife, my kids, my home.:love: I do not get the sense she feels the same way.

 

I am out of ideas. I try to tell her to focus on herself and the kids right now, but I don't think she is listening.

 

Continuing on the long road.... :o :o

 

B

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I am not sure whether to go Plan A or Plan B... My W claims she has stopped contact with the OM but I do not believe that ALL contact has stopped. So when I see that she is online for 3 hours last night I assume that she is chatting with him(she certainly isn't IM'ng me).

 

I could go Plan A if I assume she is not in contact with him. It is kind of what I am doing now but from a distance. I guess I am slowly trying to reconnect with her from the outside.

 

 

Plan A doesn't necessarily assume that NC is in place between the affair partners. It would be NICE if that were the case, but essentially... Plan A requires that you illustrate to your WW that YOU are the better choice.

 

Now, I'm not saying you should tolerate a blatent affair if you catch her in it, but if you're in doubt... Plan A is for you.

 

In the meantime, lets deal with some realities. :(

Realistically, there's nothing to be gained by trying to forecast the future. It's a road that only leads to impatience.

 

Unfortunately, no matter WHAT you do, the odds aren't in your favor. There's nothing written in stone yet, but you should be aware that oftentimes, a woman has already made her mind up. I don't want you to think it's done out of meanness... but in general, women are physically weaker and tend to try and manipulate their way without invoking a man's physical anger. Maybe that's some kind of leftover preservation instinct, I really don't know. But what it boils down to in ALOT of cases is a woman who's trying to keep a man nice and calm while she eases him out of her life.

 

So where does that leave you? ... just doing the best you can, all the while knowing that you have no guarantees. That sounds unpleasant, I know. But there's freedom in it too. When you accept that the old marriage is OVER and never coming back, you're free to either create something better or to move on. Let's face it... the old relationship wasn't working. That's why you're here.

 

You're probably feeling alot of anxiety about doing the wrong thing. But another aspect of letting the old relationship go is this... The FEAR goes away with it. You're afraid you're going to make a mistake which might cost you your marriage. But when you accept that the old marriage is already over... there's no place to go but UP.

 

Breathe Bklk. Relax. ;)

It ain't over 'til it's over.

 

Be in the present, not the past and not the future. Whatever happens, it's going to be okay. You sound like a smart guy, so whatever the future might bring.. I'm thinking you're gonna handle it just fine.

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I agree with you. I do have doubts now about the OM and while I tend to follow my gut(in the case I will give her the benefit of the doubt) I am going to go with an approach that leans more toward Plan A. I sometimes feel like maybe she is in cruise control and her mind was made up a long time ago.

 

We spoke for a while last night and I kept it positive and kind of supportive. Tried to only talk about good things I had going on. She also called when I was out to dinner with a friend(male) and seemed bothered by it. She ended up calling back one other time when I was out.

 

We have to see each other tonight. It is our daughter's appt. with a counselor and we agreed we would take her together at this point. This weekend will be her first out of the house without the kids. I think that will be eye opening.

 

One day at a time... the story goes on...:rolleyes: I do miss my kids though that part isn't getting better.:(

 

B

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I agree with you. I do have doubts now about the OM and while I tend to follow my gut(in the case I will give her the benefit of the doubt) I am going to go with an approach that leans more toward Plan A. I sometimes feel like maybe she is in cruise control and her mind was made up a long time ago.

 

We spoke for a while last night and I kept it positive and kind of supportive. Tried to only talk about good things I had going on. She also called when I was out to dinner with a friend(male) and seemed bothered by it. She ended up calling back one other time when I was out.

 

We have to see each other tonight. It is our daughter's appt. with a counselor and we agreed we would take her together at this point. This weekend will be her first out of the house without the kids. I think that will be eye opening.

 

One day at a time... the story goes on...:rolleyes: I do miss my kids though that part isn't getting better.:(

 

B

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Well, the weekend was a bit brutal... She was out of the house and my mind raced about what she was doing with her time away. I distracted myself with the kdis as much as I could.

 

She came to pick them up for her father's 50th b-day party on Saturday. She was kind of anxious as she really doesn't get along with her family. She said she wanted me to go, but for purely selfish reasons(so she didn't have to deal with questions) - that kinda hurt a little but I didn't go along.

 

I was bummed that she didn't want me to go to the party. It affected my mood a little and caused her to react to that in a negative way. I tried to tell her that she needs to understand that there are going to be some things that will be difficult for us. She claimed I was trying to guilt her into getting back together. Not at all... I've accepted the big picture of where this is headed... I can't however guarantee that I will be FINE with it everyday.

 

Sunday was not much better... The anxiety of her coming back and me having to leave again was brutal. She now wants even less contact from me - she's the one that's been calling me quite a bit. I guess I will try and push her off a bit when she calls. It is hard but it seems like it is the best way.

 

Not sure what to do next. I really still love my wife and I worry a lot about the direction she is taking her life. I still do not know if she has contact with the OM but after this weekend I am thinking that my gut maybe right. I will let her play that out... It really is a sad situation for her.

 

When do I stop wearing my wedding band? She no longer wears an engagement ring but she does have her band on(in my presence anyway). She hasn't found a place to move to - I almost want to help her leave because I just want to get back to my house.

 

Ok... thats a lot there but it has been quite a rough weekend.

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She now wants even less contact from me - she's the one that's been calling me quite a bit. I guess I will try and push her off a bit when she calls. It is hard but it seems like it is the best way.

 

Don't you find it kind of weird that she's calling alot, but telling you she wants LESS contact? :confused:

Sounds to me like she's just "touching base" and making sure you're still there. That's something of an EN (emotional need), fulfilling her need to know that you still find her to be an important person in your life.

 

In Plan A, you would allow that and make the most of those calls by being upbeat and positive, but NOT being the first to bring up and discussion of the relationship.

 

In Plan B, you would avoid her calls unless they were pertinant to your parenting plan.

 

It's your call. ;)

But I think in making it, your best bet is in selecting a goal. Do you think it's appropriate to fulfill ENs or withhold them?

 

 

p.s. Wear your wedding band until YOU decide you don't want to be married anymore.

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I am starting to feel used... I think she is still "in love" with the OM. I think she is using the fact that I love her to stay in her situation - she is in our house with the kids while I am slumming it at a friend's.

 

I need to be with my kids. Where they could be my distraction, but I do not know how to get her out of the house? Should I just move back and tell her I am not leaving? I do not want major conflict in front of the kids.

 

If she wants to be with this other guy, than I want her with him now. Not after I make a nice comfortable escape for her.

 

I am having a roller coaster day.:( :( :(

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Should I just move back and tell her I am not leaving? I do not want major conflict in front of the kids.

 

If she wants to be with this other guy, than I want her with him now. Not after I make a nice comfortable escape for her.

 

Unless there are legal stipulations in your state barring it, I don't see why you can't move back in. Hell, if it were me... I wouldn't have moved out in the first place. If my spouse flakes... HE can move. ;)

 

I would most definitely check with an attorney beforehand though.

 

You'll have to be very careful not to let her bait you into a domestic violence situation. And... if you've been out for more than 30 days and you're taking your mail at a different address, she could probably make a good case for it looking like you already moved out.

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I've only been out for about a week.

 

There is no reason I can't move back. I left to try and allow her some space, but I think she needs to go. If she is going to be "in love" with this guy she can go do that while I deal with the realities of kids and family.

 

I am very angry about this right now. I do not know what triggered it, but the thought of her telling him she loves him is driving me nuts right now.

 

:mad:

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Your story seems so typical of the ones I read on here. I've been on this board for about 3 - 4 years now. Here's something you really need to keep in your mind at all times..

 

The only way to win this game is to not play it.

 

This is your marriage as much as hers. While she is having her cake, she is eating it as well. She is facing NO consequences for her behavior and NOT taking responsibility for what she is doing. As long as you tolerate her immaturity it will only get worse.

 

What you need to do is to give her the final ultamatium. When you talk to her, be calm, be direct and follow through. Either she stops all contact with this OM and goes to marriage counseling with you or you are moving on. If she decides she doesn't want to be with you, keep the conversations about your children only. Make HER move out, and don't provide any fiancial support for her. Contact your lawyer and get things prepared.

 

If she decides to work it out, then at least for the time being you must have those reigns pulled tight. Give her strict guidelines on what she can/can't do and make sure they are followed.

 

Right now she is the child and you are the parent. As long as you continue this role she will continue to disrespect you.

 

One other thing to keep in your mind..

 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over, expecting different results.

 

It's time to make some changes..

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jmargel - You are speaking the truth. For whatever reason today has made me extremely uncomfortable in my situation. Like I know longer have control. She has been trying to convince me that she was ending the marriage because she is not happy with me. She rewrote the entire history of our relationship and even had me believing some of it.

 

Truth is, this all goes back to her affair. She must face consequences. I have called my attorney and told him of my intentions and he is moving forward. I will speak to her next week and tell her she needs to move on with her life. I will give her the option of having the converstaion in front of the marriage counselor so that it doens't get out of hand.(that is why I am waiting until next week).

 

Up until now, she thinks I am trying to keep us together, which I was but I guess its been on her terms. So now I will file for divorce citing adultery. I will seek full custody of the children until she can provide a suitable living situation for them. I will no longer be on the sidelines here.

 

Thanks for the feedback. This board is great for strength and validation.

 

Thanks all!:D

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Listen to JM, he is one of best advice givers here!

 

I'm glad to see you stepping it up a notch. You gotta protect yourself and your children. And yes, I am sure it kills your heart having to do this, but in all honesty, you have NO choice. This is the way it has to be...And you're right, until SHE feels, understands the consquences of her actions (and suffers from it BIG TIME) NOTHING will change.

 

You stay strong B.

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I am starting to feel used... I think she is still "in love" with the OM. I think she is using the fact that I love her to stay in her situation - she is in our house with the kids while I am slumming it at a friend's.

 

I need to be with my kids. Where they could be my distraction, but I do not know how to get her out of the house? Should I just move back and tell her I am not leaving? I do not want major conflict in front of the kids.

 

If she wants to be with this other guy, than I want her with him now. Not after I make a nice comfortable escape for her.

 

I am having a roller coaster day.:( :( :(

 

 

I would contact your Lawyer about that, it seems to convenient for HER to stay in your house, while you leave. To me it sounds like she's playin you. If it were me, I would give her a very harsh dose of reality, and sign the Divorce papers now, and have them delivered, or you deliver them IF your Lawyer Ok's this. One other thing, she's NOT looking for another place to live, she's playing you. Call her on it, so to speak. Go for sole custody period.

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Well, I went forit last night. Gave her one last shot - cut him out for good and got to marriage counseling. She said he WAS cut out but she will NOT go to marriage counseling. Well, I don't believe her, so I am filing for divorce. She knows that is my next step and she is freaking out a bit. Threatening to beat me to the punch. All that nonsense. I spoke to my attorney last night. We are meeting tomorrow to do the paperwork.

 

I feel awful. This morning I had to call her about an issue with the kids and she was just nasty. Definitely taking away her "cakeplate" and she is reacting pretty nastily. Truth is I cannot stay out of my house while she prepares a nice new life for her and OM. Hell, he lives at home with his parents and has no idea what he is in for. He actually posts how he loves her on his "myspace" page. How childish!?!

 

Anyway, it hurts a lot to hear her say she hates me. It really does suck to think that she will be with someone else. But I guess that will go away in time. I have to get back in my house and closer to my kids. Someone has to have them as priority #1 - they are really just babies and to think their mother is trying to juggle and affair, a move, a divorce, etc... makes me extremely angry.

 

Thanks again everybody... seems like some rough seas ahead:sick:

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Yeah... they get pretty cranky when you take the cake off their plate. :p

 

You've set two boundaries for her:

 

One, that she end all contact with OM. This will entail her willingness to prove her compliance. She must willingly agree to living her life as "an open book". No secret passwords or email accounts. No secret phone calls, etc.

 

Two, that she enter into MC. She must also agree to approach this enthusiastically, with full reconcilliation of the marriage as a goal. She can't just tag along and drag her feet.

 

Now, it's important that you KEEP those boundaries in place. She'll most likely cool off in a couple of days and try to renegotiate, so be prepared. She's pissed off now because you've interfered in her plans. But her agenda STILL exists. You better know it! When she can't steamroll you into compliance, she'll resort to other methods.

 

Having set the boundaries, you've told her what she needs to do in order to EARN her way back. Nothing less than whole-hearted dedication to fulfilling those two boundaries is acceptable now. There can be NO waivering on your part. Otherwise, you're back in the soup. :eek:

 

p.s. If your wife's behavior is mostly about affair addiction, try not to internalize it and take it too personally. Bear in mind, that when "infatuation" is present, you're dealing with a person who is under-the-influence. If that's the case, this is not so much about YOU as it is about HER.

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Well, I went forit last night. Gave her one last shot - cut him out for good and got to marriage counseling. She said he WAS cut out but she will NOT go to marriage counseling. Well, I don't believe her, so I am filing for divorce. She knows that is my next step and she is freaking out a bit. Threatening to beat me to the punch. All that nonsense. I spoke to my attorney last night. We are meeting tomorrow to do the paperwork.

 

I feel awful. This morning I had to call her about an issue with the kids and she was just nasty. Definitely taking away her "cakeplate" and she is reacting pretty nastily. Truth is I cannot stay out of my house while she prepares a nice new life for her and OM. Hell, he lives at home with his parents and has no idea what he is in for. He actually posts how he loves her on his "myspace" page. How childish!?!

 

Anyway, it hurts a lot to hear her say she hates me. It really does suck to think that she will be with someone else. But I guess that will go away in time. I have to get back in my house and closer to my kids. Someone has to have them as priority #1 - they are really just babies and to think their mother is trying to juggle and affair, a move, a divorce, etc... makes me extremely angry.

 

Thanks again everybody... seems like some rough seas ahead:sick:

 

 

Does this not sound like a child to me? When you make her face her consequences she acts like a teenager rebelling against her father. That's what this relationship has turned into. You playing detective and father.

 

The root to this problem is her immaturity and while the affair is just a 'topic' her maturity issues are the main reasons on why this affair happened. Her actions speak louder than words with her not wanting to goto counseling. That's her way of saying she's not going to take responsibility for what is going on.

 

Right now tough love and your children must be put #1. You are doing the right thing. She'll continue to stomp her feet and act like a child. Making her face the consequences of her actions is the best way to approach this.

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