MoonGirl Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 Hi all, I decided to leave my verbally and physically abusive husband. I know that I will leave eventually, and staying just makes no sense anymore. I don't want to grow old with this person, and he is unwilling to see a therapist or change. I'm sure some of you have seen my other posts detailing some of the abuse, so I won't go into the whole story. We have 2 children together, which complicates things a lot. Even though I know I want to leave, actually following through is not easy. Sometimes my H is very loving and nice, but the times he is abusive (about 30%) just makes life generally depressing and anxiety-filled for me. I have met with a lawyer who has suggested I get an order of protection from the county I live in, which is basically a restraining order against H for me and the 2 kids. I feel this will make my life a complete nightmare and will hurt H more than he deserves (what can I say...I'm a sucker!). H is mostly abusive toward me, but on occasion toward our older child (nothing too scary, but possibly emotionally damaging for sure). The lawyer also told me that I can move out of the house with the kids if I want to and it should't affect my ability to obtain physical custody of the kids. I have H on tape admitting to the physical abuse against me and our daughter and also verbally abusing me, which is admissible in court in my state in case I need it. How do I muster up enough courage to actually move out? I know I need to take action, but I just don't know how. It seems that each day I think about it, H is nice to me and I feel guilty. I try to remember all of the horrible things he's said and done, but it's so hard when he's being so nice. I'm sure he is afraid to loose me (and that's why he's being pleasant), but I know that he won't make the effort to change long-term. Setting a date will not work for me (he will beg me to stay, guilt trip me, etc). I just don't know how I can do it. And, of course, I don't want to hurt H either...which I know is not possible at this point. Thank you for any words of wisdom you can provide! Link to post Share on other sites
luvtoto Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 I am sorry, I haven't read your previous posts. But, I have been where you are before. It's a very scary place to be. My heart goes out to you. The night that I left my abusive X, the father of my two kids, I first called the cops over to my house during a heated argument. He was arrested for abuse and drug posession. As the police office left our house, he handed me an 800# to call. He told me it was a number to a shelter. My kids and I immediately went to a friends home...to hide...to be safe. The number was a 24 hour number. They told me that an abuse counselor would call me shortly. Which she did. She came and picked me & my kids up the next day. Drove right up to my friends house. The first few days at the shelter was just resting time for me. I was exhausted. Strung out from the abuse. Then, after that, I received free counseling..free everything. They took me under their wing and provided help to me. Whatever help I needed. They even helped me get clothes and a vehicle. I came out the other end stronger than before. Never to return again to him. Once you get to the point where you are just tired of it, you will never go back. You will feel literally like the shackles are being taken off. You will feel free again. You will be happy. No one deserves to live that way. You have a choice. Just get yourself around positive influences, positive people. People that can help you. There should be an organization you can turn to. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 I am sorry, I haven't read your previous posts. But, I have been where you are before. It's a very scary place to be. My heart goes out to you. The night that I left my abusive X, the father of my two kids, I first called the cops over to my house during a heated argument. He was arrested for abuse and drug posession. As the police office left our house, he handed me an 800# to call. He told me it was a number to a shelter. My kids and I immediately went to a friends home...to hide...to be safe. The number was a 24 hour number. They told me that an abuse counselor would call me shortly. Which she did. She came and picked me & my kids up the next day. Drove right up to my friends house. The first few days at the shelter was just resting time for me. I was exhausted. Strung out from the abuse. Then, after that, I received free counseling..free everything. They took me under their wing and provided help to me. Whatever help I needed. They even helped me get clothes and a vehicle. I came out the other end stronger than before. Never to return again to him. Once you get to the point where you are just tired of it, you will never go back. You will feel literally like the shackles are being taken off. You will feel free again. You will be happy. No one deserves to live that way. You have a choice. Just get yourself around positive influences, positive people. People that can help you. There should be an organization you can turn to. Good luck. Very good advise... and informative for ladies in similiar situations...(and I'm sorry you had to be put through this yourself) Moongirl ******* Yes I am a man... but I have dealt with domestic violence matters for years... put many a man...(and some ladies) behind bars for it...(there is 0 tolerance for domestic violence up here in Canada) I have seen many woman defend there husbands once they realise that he is going to be arrested for what he did... they make up excuses... blame themselves...etc.. I have seen them even lie in court... to save their husbands... It happens... I guess what I want to say is this.... if something is not done... to change the behaviour.. it will never change... it won't... If you feel you should leave for your safty.. sanity... or the combination of the same... get gone now... In the long run you will be better off... and so will your kids... Listen to Luvtoto... she knows what she is talking about....K:) Be safe... be smart... and take care of you.. ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 The first time I jumped off of a 40' rappelling tower was a complete leap of faith! The second time I did it, I looked down. Well I shouldn't have done that? The heart and mind was more than willing, but the legs and knees said: "Ya'll go ahead, we'll catch up with you!" I had to calm myself and look out over the top of the pine trees. (Think the top of telephone poles high) I built upon that. The first time I jumped out of an airplane, was a leap of faith. The second time I did it, I was fine, and it was a rush, even the third, fouth. It was about the fifth time that I did it that "Mr Reality" kicked in, and I was like, "WTF are you doing jumping out of a prectally good airplane ~ and its not on FIRE!" That's the reason the Marines and Army give you little dinky silver wings for your first three jumps, and big gold wings for your next jumps up to ten. There's a reason when you watch a war movie about paratroppers, they say "GO! GO! GO!" because if you stop and think about it your legs and knees will tell you not to go! You'll buckle everytime. You know what needs doing, and what you've got to do ~ get busy doing it. Its not pretty, and its not fun! Its just the way it is! Link to post Share on other sites
Sand&Water Posted January 13, 2007 Share Posted January 13, 2007 RE: MoonGirl, As usual the above posters provided superb responses. I want you to keep in mind, remember, and never forget the true reason to why you are leaving your husband. The domestic violence, emotional, physical, and psychological abuse is a major part of it. Understandable. On the other, it is the children. The children are everything -your life, and your future. Please do it for them. Mutter the courage to supply your children the future they deserve. Without any goals, there is no future. I recommend you leave as soon as possible. Check in a near-by Hotel [IF you can], while you move into an apartment. Before leaving, stand face-to-face with him and tell him your final decision. You have control. It is in your hands, now, to carry on forward. May the future bring bright and happy days for you and your children. Best of Luck, Sand&Water Link to post Share on other sites
Author MoonGirl Posted January 14, 2007 Author Share Posted January 14, 2007 Thank you all for your posts. They offer a lot of encouragement. Most of you who posted have some experience with abuse and know that there are usually some stretches in an abusive relationship that are "not so bad". Unfortunately, this is one of those times for me. I am trying to be strong enough to leave, or at least prepare the things I need in order to leave when the next cycle of abuse begins. This weekend I started moving my things to my parents' house. I often can't believe how weak I am that I can't stand up to H and simply tell him I am going. Thanks again for your posts and encouragement. Even though I already know what I have to do, doing it is hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MoonGirl Posted February 13, 2007 Author Share Posted February 13, 2007 Hi those of you who gave me advice here, I just wanted to update you that I left my abusive husband a week ago. He has more or less been behaving himself since I left, and I am doing fairly well. It was probably the hardest thing I have had to do in my life, but after a couple years of thinking about it and months of seriously considering the option to leave, I did it. Because I still care for him, it is difficult at times. I have no desire to go back to him, and thank goodness he has not asked... I gave him too many chances in the past. Asked him to go to therapy, begged him to go to therapy, bought him books he didn't read, etc. I was able to gain the strength to leave because I saw a therapist for many months, read many books about abuse, talked with many people here on LS, and began an emotional affair with a nice man from my past (I know - a big no-no, but it helped me to realize that there were men who don't abuse). Thank you all here who helped me gain the strength to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
Motor35 Posted February 14, 2007 Share Posted February 14, 2007 You need to leave NOW before there is unrepairable damage to your kids. Your kids will grow up to be just like him. Please keep us posted and good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MoonGirl Posted February 14, 2007 Author Share Posted February 14, 2007 Motor35, I did leave...last week. Link to post Share on other sites
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