Newly married, newly divorced, new post.

[stevensgirl]

First and foremost I want to thank anyone who responded to my first posting, I recieved some really good advice. Someone suggested that my feelings might be hurt because some of the replies seemed harsh but how can I get my feelings hurt by other peoples honest opinions.

 

I guess the reason I am continuing with my post is because i have some major decisions I need to make and I am terribly confused and I am depending on the opinions of other people to help me make up my mind. I may not have been completely accurate in my first post and if I am to ask for advice then the whole story should be known.

 

If you've already read my first post then you know the gyst of the story the "details" are what I've left out. I know some of you think my marraige sounds like a mix of a romantic comedy and a tragic love story and I may sound a little like a ditz but it is my life and who I am.

My name is Laura and I guess you can tell by my user name, my husband is Steven. I am about to turn 40, he is 42. I was married to my ex-husband for 12 years, we were together for 15 and Steven and his ex-wife were together for 20 years, married for 17 of them. I was anxious to be divorced from the very greedy, selfish, verbally and emotionally abusive man I was married to, especially one I found out that he'd had a male lover throughout our marraige but Steven tried to hold on to his marraige to a woman who was emotionally abusive, who withheld sex and was a habitual cheater (these are her words, not his). He held off on divorcing his ex to the point that he allowed her to consider their marraige an open one, provided that she be honest with him about her sexual partners.

 

I met Steven shortly after my seperation from my ex, It was an instant attraction for me, though he is not the type of man I am ususally attracted to. I am 4'7", not thin but not fat, he is a very large, not fat just large, 6'2" man, very rugged looking. I am normally attracted to short, thin men and he is normally attracted to tall, thin women. Like I said it was an instant attraction for me so I called him the next day and invited him out for coffee, we had our first "date", we went dancing, out for coffe and spent the bulk of the night talking about his divorce and my impending divorce. We talked about how and why he got custody of his children and how I was afraid that my ex would make me fight for custody of mine.

 

He told me that he and his ex-wife had still been somewhat sexually active after their divorce and that he still loved her and never really wanted a divorce, they had been trying to repair thier relationship but she was continuing the same behavior she exibited during their marraige and he didn't know if it was going to work. The thing he'd said he was most proud of was the fact that his children could say that their parents were together and that theye weren't from a broken home, all of that changed when she asked him to divorce her. I told him about how I'd found out that my ex had been investing our money and made a substancial amount of money over the years and how we went without a lot of the basic necessities because he was a very greedy man, I told him that my ex was a little strange when it came to sexual activity, my marraige had little to none also and I told him that I was in for a huge fight with my ex.

 

We talked all night long and I can't explain why but I did something completely out of character for me, we slept together that night. I was very shy, I'd only had 2 partners in my life and he was very bold and creative and it was the best sex I ever had. From that point on we saw each other nearly every day, with the exception of a few times that we couldn't see each other because he had things to deal with and had to meet with his ex. I would get very irritated when he'd go to see her and several times tried to break it off with him because I felt that one of us deserved his undivided attention. When the subject of whether or not he was still sleeping with her came up I told him I didn't want to talk about it, I was already terribly infatuated with him and had even told him that I was begining to feel love feelings towards him. I told him that "if he had sex with her not to come back to me for sex, that day or the next day or the next".

 

Because his youngest was 8 and my boys were 15 & 16 and could stay up later we began spending more evenings at his house than at mine. I began to notice a patern on some nights that he would rush me out at around 11:00 p.m., It didn't take long to figure out that it was because the ex would drop their oldest son back off after work at 11:30 and he didn't want any confrontation with her. I accepted that for a little while and then one night about 3 1/2 months after we had started seeing each other I got suspicious and drove to his house at 2:00a.m. and found her car in the driveway. The next afternoon I showed up at his house and asked him if he'd slept with her the night before and his reply was "as a matter of fact, I did".

 

I was devestated, by this ytime it wasn't just infatuation or the start of love feelings, I was in love with him. He told me that it wasn't his intention to hurt me. I said goodbye with the intention of never seeing him again and I left. A couple of days later I missed him so badly that I called and we spent another evening talking all night, he reminded me of the things I'd said about not sleeping with her then me, and that I didn't want to know if they were. Problem was i was so in love with him that I didn't think he was or would. We were together nearly every night and I couldn't figure out when it was happening.

 

That is when I discovered that she was sleeping at his house, sometimes in his bed after work rather than drive all the way home. At the time I thought I was going to be able to deal with it and I let it drop. We got closer and closer, he promised that it was over between her and him, she ambushed us one night about 6 months into our relationship by parking in the backyard and waiting for us to return from a date. When we got home she stormed into the house screaming something about wanting her husband back, he was her soulmate and wanting to die in his arms. I went and hid into the bathroom partly because I was scared but mostly because I couldn't bear to hear this woman telling this man that I was so in love with how he was her soulmate. She demanded that he make a choice and I'd finally had enough so I came out of the bathroom and told him "she's right, it's time to make a choice".

 

He walked over to me kissed me on the lips and I thought he was actually saying goodbye to me but then he said, "there you have it Laura, you are my choice". I moved into his home the following week and put my home up for rent. She kind of got the message that I was here and she backed off for a while. One day she called me and asked me out for coffee and i figured since I was a part of her childrens lives she should get to know me so I went. It was a 6 hour meeting that went from her telling me how bad he was to how good he was, how she repeatedly cheated on him and how he couldn't possibly love me, he was using me for my money, as a nanny to his kids a housekeeper and cook. It was a nightmare for me but I held myself together so she would see that I wasn't going to just back down. a week or so later she wanted to meet again, I told Steven that I didn't think I could do it but he asked me to go again and record it this time, I did 3 more times. Our last conversation she demanded that I be moved out by the next morning.

 

I couldn't and I didn't, instead Steven called her and told her to knock it off, and he informed her that he loved me and there was a possibility that we'd be getting married someday. She had a nutty and showed up at our home at 11:00 p.m. screaming obscenities, begging him to take her back, etc. It got really ugly. Shortly thereafter I began questioning why she wasn't paying her court ordered child support and he made her start paying $400.00 of the $550.00 she is supposed to pay, she was almost $9,000.00 in arrears at that point. We had a very unique living arrangement, me, him and our 5 children living in 1 home, I was buying all the food and paying for the kids extra's like band trips, entertainment, etc and I would occasionally pay a bill, he paid all of the other bills. We were all very happy and the only complaint I had was the infrequency of our sexual activity.

 

At this point I was still waiting for my divorce to become final, my ex was dragging it out because he didn't want to give up half of the money. Through all the time we were living together we talked about adding on to the house, making improvements, paying off the mortgage and his credit card bills, buying a bigger vehicle that would seat all of us etc... I had no problem with it at the time. One day, I don't even know why, I woke up and it dawned on me that what he'd been doing in the very begining of our relationship was cheating and I became very angry. Thinking back I think I was becoming sexually frustrated, we were having sex about once a week, and it was always in the middle of the night when i was too tired to enjoy it. It dawned on me that not too far back he was getting sex fropm 2 women and now hardly any. He knew I was in love with him and still was sleeping with both of us.

 

We had a weekend from hell after that, it was like I'd been hit by a ton of bricks, I had put it out of my mind for so long I didn't even know where it was coming from. I started questioning myself, why would he be willing to take my money but refuses to ask her for the child support in its entirety, why he allowed her to stay in arrears, etc. Then he asked me to marry him, my divorce became final and I was free to marry if i wanted, I said yes. We were married 2 weeks ago, I thought a magic spell would be cast and all would be well., but it is not. Now the bills are ours and I am helping to pay them as well as buying all the food, entertainment and various other expenses in the house. He tells me that if i want to put up my money, that is fine, it would make our lives easier but he's not after my money. He apologizes for hurting me by sleeping with both of us but his excuse is that he tried to be honest with me and he was really f*#cked up from his divorce. He reminds me of the things I said about not wanting to talk about it.

 

He says we weren't in a committed relationship at the time and it wasn't untilt he night that she ambushed us that he's made a committment to me. Steven does work, and he works hard, he's worked hard all his life and nothing has come easy for him. It isn't that I'm greedy I just don't want to be used. When we talk he has all the right answers, and I feel like an idiot. I feel like an idiot for not being more specific when it came to them sleeping together, it was simply a matter of symantics, I meant don't come looking for sex from me if you're having it with her. I feel like an idiot for bringing up the child support issue, really it isn't my business except for the fact that I am paying for things for her kids that is her responsibility. Last night he said she is paying the same thing that my ex is paying in child support, the only difference is my ex is paying for his 2 kids and she is supposed to be paying for her 3, then he brought up the fact that one of her kids is only 8 and it doesn't cost as much to raise an 8 year old.

 

His middle son needed $100.00 today to be paid on his band trip, I've already paid $200.00 of it so i told him to call his mom, she refused and said that is what child support is for. in their divorce agreement she is supposed to pay child support and half of those kinds of expenses. Steven doesn't want the whole your kids, my kids thing so when one gets something I have to give to all of them and seriously I wouldn't mind except for the fact that she tells the kids not to listen to me, tells them things about me that aren't true and in all honesty it is HER responsibility to pay half. I don't mind paying our half but when I am paying for ALL of it, I am taking away from my own children. Personally, I know he isn't sleeping with her anymore, I think he is afraid of her. He talks about going after her for the child support but he doesn't follow through. When she broke into our house on the date of what would have been their anniversay and left a bracelet under my pillow and tore up a leather bound book I'd given him, he decided to dust the book for fingerprints with flour, I think because he knew I'd had enough and he knew "dusting it with flour" would destroy her fingerprints.

 

The police found no fingerprints on the book. When she killed nearly all of my chickens and my rabbit he had me purchase another surveillance camera to put up outside but it is still in the box in his utility room. When she broke in and threw all of the pennies from the penny jar all over our bedroom, when she broke in and went through my clothing and broke other items that I'd given him, he made excuses. I have her on tape admitting to breaking things in our house but he won't give that to the police. I was going to put my 8 acres of land and my 4 bedroom home in both of our names because I've decided to sell it but when I asked him if he was going to put my name on the home we live in once we sell my home and use the money to pay this house off, he said no. He tells me that he can always tell me to GTFO, get the F--ck out. There are so many little problems and even huge problems that we have. I am still very much in love with Steven, I want our marraige to work. I also know that there are a lot of things that have happened that I hate him for but I still love him. I missed him terribly when I ended it with him over sleeping with her. that's why I asked him to take me back.

 

I can't imagine a day without him and his children in my life. I love them all. I just don't know what the right thing to do is. I can't take him craning his neck to see if she's at home or at work every time we drive by her road or her work. If he is still in love with her, I'd let him go, I'd be unhappy but I'd let him go. I'd rather had just given him all of my money than have him marry me for it. My first husband married me for a reason, to keep his being gay a secret, I don't want to be married again for a "reason" other than I am loved by my spouse. O:k, your turn, what to do, what would you do.

 

Don't be afraid to hurt my feelings even if you think I'm a fool, this fool is asking for your input. There is so much more that I went into in my first post that I didn't go into in this one only because I am exhausted by this so if you want to know morof the craziness it is all written there. I also want to say that this post is being printed along with the replies I get so I can show him. I suggested that I needed someone to talk to and he said "friends will give me bad advice and counselors sometimes make things worse". We live in a very small community so I can't just talk to anyone without him thinking I aired my dirty laundry in public so maybe this will help both of us. Laura

[norajane]

I've been very candid with you in your other threads, and I'll be candid again. I think you should get an annulment and get as far away from this man and his family as you can. You should never have married him in the first place.

There is nothing good that's going to come of this - the end of your marriage is just a matter of time, whenever you can gain some strength and the nerve to stand up for yourself and your children. Your kids are the ones who will suffer most if you stay in this bad relationship.

 

You rebounded from your previous marriage into this relationship when you obviously weren't strong enough to expect better for yourself. When you found out he was still sleeping with his ex and left, you should have stayed gone and never, ever called him again. But you were too weak to do so because you never took the time to get over your divorce. I'm sure had you done that, you wouldn't have found this guy so compelling, and you never would have gone into denial about his cheating.

 

Now, you've got a psycho ex-wife, you've got financial obligations that aren't yours and that could jeopardize yours and your children's future, you've got a man who won't add you to the title even if you pay off the mortgage, and you don't entirely know whether he's truly committed to you or to his ex-wife. In any case, you're miserable and your kids are walking on eggshells around the house waiting for the powder keg to blow. Your husband will not stand up to his ex wife or do anything after she killed your animals and broke into your house.

 

I fail to see how anything is going to get better here, not when you are incapable of holding your ground, and not when your husband is incapable of truly being a partner to you.

 

You deserve much better. My advice would be to end this marriage immediately and then stay away from dating and men until you regain your confidence, your self-esteem, and start to expect better from people who "love" you.

[AgentD]

stevensgirl,

 

Please, from now on, space out your posts in paragraphs of 5 to 6 sentences.

 

It would save me a ton of work, and it'll be easier for our caring community to read your particular situation.

 

Thanks!

 

Agent D

[melodymatters]

Oh Laura, I am so sorry you are going through all of this. ( I read your last post too)

 

I really don't have any great advice. I would consider a trial seperation until he "truly" makes up his mind to support YOU emotionally, even if it hurts her, or until you find out he is not, and simply will never be, over her.

 

But I'm not you, and I might be letting pride get in the way of love.

 

As far as him actually SAYIng that he likes the option of telling you to GTFO, that is unaccaptable and does not sound like a loving marraige.

 

in my past relationships I have always given too much, and only regret it when they end. Try and protect yourself financially if ONLY for the sake of your children ( sometimes we can do things for our "kids mom", that we can't do for ourselves !!)

 

Try and see things objectively, get away for a few days if you can. Whatever happens you WILL live through this.

 

Luck and blessings,

Melody

[stevensgirl]

Sorry about that.....I guess I was just writing the way I was thinking. Will be more careful in the future. Laura

[ilmw]

I've been very candid with you in your other threads, and I'll be candid again. I think you should get an annulment and get as far away from this man and his family as you can. You should never have married him in the first place.

There is nothing good that's going to come of this - the end of your marriage is just a matter of time, whenever you can gain some strength and the nerve to stand up for yourself and your children. Your kids are the ones who will suffer most if you stay in this bad relationship.

 

You rebounded from your previous marriage into this relationship when you obviously weren't strong enough to expect better for yourself. When you found out he was still sleeping with his ex and left, you should have stayed gone and never, ever called him again. But you were too weak to do so because you never took the time to get over your divorce. I'm sure had you done that, you wouldn't have found this guy so compelling, and you never would have gone into denial about his cheating.

 

Now, you've got a psycho ex-wife, you've got financial obligations that aren't yours and that could jeopardize yours and your children's future, you've got a man who won't add you to the title even if you pay off the mortgage, and you don't entirely know whether he's truly committed to you or to his ex-wife. In any case, you're miserable and your kids are walking on eggshells around the house waiting for the powder keg to blow. Your husband will not stand up to his ex wife or do anything after she killed your animals and broke into your house.

 

I fail to see how anything is going to get better here, not when you are incapable of holding your ground, and not when your husband is incapable of truly being a partner to you.

 

You deserve much better. My advice would be to end this marriage immediately and then stay away from dating and men until you regain your confidence, your self-esteem, and start to expect better from people who "love" you.

 

... after reading that post.. i think im gonna need glasses... USE PARAGRAPHS...

 

and after reading all that...all I can say is... What norajane said... Dito...!!

[ilmw]

... after reading that post.. i think im gonna need glasses... USE PARAGRAPHS...

 

and after reading all that...all I can say is... What norajane said... Dito...!!

 

I mean the OP...

[Touche]

I've said all I'm going to say on this. Go back and read your last thread if you want my advice. I'm actually the person who first suggested an annulment. This marriage will bring nothing good to you or to your children's lives.

 

Your husband is a weak man. Remember I told you that my husband immediately put the house in my name as well, right after we were married? I didn't even ask him or think about it!

 

And sorry but the ex doesn't get to walk away from her financial responsibility just because she pays child support. She STILL has to pony up on the extras. That's the way it works.

 

What kind of man is your husband? He's not a MAN in MY book! If he's so hard-working why can't he pay for his kids? Where is his money going and what kind of way is that to talk to his WIFE of TWO WEEKS?

 

You got yourself a REAL loser. Leave him for you and your kids' sakes and build a life on your own for awhile. And PLEASE try to have higher standards in the man you choose next.

 

Good luck with the annulment. If ever there was a case of something NOT meant to be this HAS to be it. Sorry, for that but it's the truth as I see it.

[jmargel]

Laura,

 

You can make a new post after new post but sorry my stance won't change. I know it's not what you want to hear but he still has feelings for her and you are sharing him. This is *not* a healthy relationship and you are being used.

 

I know how lonely life can be out there, but honestly being single would be a blessing to get out of that situation. You may love him but he's not returning the love fully and as long as she's in the picture he won't.

 

If you stay with him, honestly what do you think will happen in the next 3 years? Where do you honestly see yourself with him at that time? IMO you would still be in the same mess, only involved more deeply. In the mean time your kids are dealing with this as well.

 

You were dealt a bad hand in regards to your ex and this new guy. Though that doesn't mean your a bad person. I just think you need to chalk this upto experience and move on. IMO God's plan wasn't for you to be staying with this guy, you're not getting what you need out of this marriage.

[Guest]

I thought a magic spell would be cast and all would be well.

 

Oh ye gods. Please say you're just kidding. Whether or not you believed marriage was magical, you see now that it's not. You marry a person because you like the person as he is, not because you think he'll magically change into who you want him to be.

 

You made a mistake in marrying him. You're making a worse one by staying with him.

 

If you say you want the truth, and others have already told you all this, then why haven't you ditched him yet?

[Gunny376]

You don't need to be going ~ you need to be gone from this relationship. You've re-bounded into this marriage from your previous relationship, and what is exactally going to happen as time goes by, is your going to regain your self condidence, self asteem ~ and you're going to come to resent Steven, and then as still more time goes by that resentment is going to to turn to haterd, and then further down the line ~ loathing.

 

WTF? Your suppose to sell your four bedroom house, and nine acres of land and put it toward paying off his mortgage and credit card debt ~ WHAT ARE YOU? FREAKING NUTS! NO FREAKING WAY!!!!!!!!! And then to top that one ~ he's not going to put put your name on the mortgage? Well, Hell, I've got some oceasfront property in Arizona if you think that's a good deal?

 

And, then he doesn't want to "man-up" and deal with the looney-tune, Daffy Duck of an XW, who's $9K in arrears and paying only one fifth of her monthly child support, not to mention half of her children's expenses.

 

And, then ever so Mr. Romanitc says he likes the option of telling you to GTFO in the future, ~ when? After you've sold your house and land, paid off his mortgage and other bills, all the money is gone? And, then he moves Ms. Looney Tunes back in on your dime? What are you thinking? This guys using you! Bigtime, and what is all the more he's probally setting you up for a stooge pegion. If I were you, I take what yo wrote at the beginning of this tread, and cut and paste it into a word file, so two years from now you can change the wording to the past tense, and post it as a new thread about how your 2nd STBXH screwed you out of house, home, money, and now you and your children are out in the streets.

 

DUMP THIS CLOWN! THIS LOSER! THIS MOUSE!

 

DON'T BE GOING ~ BE GONE!!!!

 

RUN LIKE NO OTHER!

 

If you don't, you're nothing more than being neglectful to yourself, your personal welfare and that of your children.

 

And, when you print it out don't buy into "I'll change" this guy doesn't have a pair, lacks any intestinal fortitude, (no guts), and is seriously lacking in personal integrity and accountablity.

 

Let me tell how this should be going.

 

1. He should put you name on the deed to his house before you sell your house and land.

 

2. He should be paying off his own personal debts, that he acquired before the marriage.

 

3. He should dragg the XW back into court and make her pay the full amount each month due in child support + arrears, plus half of their children's expenses.

 

4. He should take out a RO on the XW and put up survallence cameras, and have a security system installed.

 

5. He should have her butt thrown in jail if she violates any of the court orders.

 

6. You should sit down and work up the household budget, Totally it up, and then total up your and his income combined. Divide indivdually yours and his income. That will give you a percentage. For argument's sake, say a 45/55 % split. That's how much of your income goes toward the household expenses. What is left is your money to do with as you see fit and proper, to spend on and provide for your chilidren. If you as you said earn more than he does, this will free up more of his money to spend on his children.

 

 

 

5.

[stevensgirl]

O:k so I've read everyones replies, Lord knows I'm not feeling any better but thank you for your advice. You are right jmargel, I could add to my post every day, some days bad things and some days good things and it probably wouldn't change your mind at all about him one way or the other. Hell, if I could stop flip flopping between being mad at him and being head over heels in love with him, everything between us would be fine and I know I'd be better off.

 

See, everyones first response is telling me to leave, run dont walk and that would be the easy way out. Got a problem, run. I don't want to leave I want to make my marraige work and there HAS to be a way to MAKE it work because I love him. Gunny, I like your ideas.....No I love your ideas and yes that is how it should work.

 

Yaeh, I met Steven at a really bad time in my life, the timing couldn't have been worse for either of us. Him because he wasn't over his ex-wife and me because I just wanted a "normal" life again and someone to love and love me back. Maybe if another year had passed before we met, things would be different. I do love him though......I don't think I settled for the first man who came along.

 

One of our biggest issues is that we don't want to blame each other for things that our former spouses did to us and i think we both try to do that.

 

I hate making excuses for someone and some of you are going to think I am making excuses for him right now. I am not, but I am also not looking for an easy way out, I am simply looking for a way to fix this mess we have created.

 

Steven is not your average guy, he grew up VERY poor, the youngest of 6 kids to a single mom. He married young to his first wife, I think he was 17 and for some reason it ended very early on. His second wife, the crazy ex!!! He also married her very young, she was pregnant when they married and he says he married her because he was "honor bound". From what I understand she really couldn't stand him. She has a degree in psychology and he has a 9th grade education. I think she always thought of herself as better than him.

 

Steven spent 17 years married to this woman, they had 3 children together but in those 17 years they both tell me that very few of them were good years. She withheld sex as a "punishment", kept him buried in debt with imaginary illnesses, underminded anything he said to his children, used him as a meal ticket and was even physically abusive to him. Lets just say, it wasn't a good marraige but I think he stuck it out because he felt like his own father deserted him as a child and I think after spending so many years with her he did love her.

 

2 years before they divorced he rolled a fire truck on his way to what he thought was a house fire, turned out it was a brush fire, anyhow, he was badly broken up, the doctors only gave him 6 hours to live. His internal injuries healed and it took him nearly a year to walk again. Once he was better she began her affairs and there were many, by her own admission, and eventually she just decided she wanted a divorce.

 

I came along a little over a year after their divorce was final, for a short time they had tried to repair their marraige and possibly give it one more try. unfortunately, she has a very narcissistic personality and she thinks the entire world revolves around her. He claims that he was really messed up in the head and would tell me that all the time. If I knew what it was about him that made me so infatuated, I'd tell you. I don't even know, there is just something about him. I decided every time to stick it out and show him that I wasn't going to be chased off by her and I wasn't going to run at the first sign of a problem.

 

He messed up big time by still sleeping with her after we became more serious, he pays for it daily because I have not come to terms with it yet and we fight about it a lot. He says if he had it to do over again, that wouldn't have happened. I think of sex a little bit different than he does and he doesn't see it as too big of a deal. I think as his only defense all he can do is tell me it is in the past and to shake it off. To me that "past" was our future and it isn't as easy as just shaking it off.

 

As far as her child support issue, I honestly think he is afraid she will try to take the kids away from him. A few weeks ago we had child protective services here accusing me of being a drug user (I have never, ever used drugs) and accusing me of being a burgular. Though they couldn't tell us who called, there were things they were accusing me of that would have only come from her such as, I don't really live here but I would try to say that I do. My guess is to take any focus off of him and his kids. Two days later I found marijuana in my jewelry box so I took it to the police to have it tested and it really was pot. At that point she had no idea we were about to get married so that really backfired on her, that and the fact that my drug screen came back negative.

 

Yeah, when it comes to her he hasn't got a set. She is so convincing, she even had me fooled for a short while that I was the crazy one and she is sane.

 

The money, I am not stupid. It was easier to talk about paying off all of the bills and the mortgage until I actually had the money in hand, now not so easy. I probably would have paid the house off right away had I not asked him if he was going to put my name on the title of the house and his reply wasn't no. In all honesty, the house is all he's got and he is afraid he'll lose it.

His money goes to paying all the bills he aquired with her and since she left him. He paid for her to file bankruptcy, was paying for some of her rent, new tires, car insurance..etc, after she left. I had to make him take her off of his car ins. because I didn't want us to be liable if she got in an accident. Ultimately, it is my decision what and where I spend my money on. I may be ditzy but I'm not crazy.

 

Our issues with sex, I think because she withheld sex from him for so long, he is conditioned not to want it. That is something we will have to work through, I guess.

 

The kids, my kids love him and his kids love me. Yeah, his kids are getting a lesson in life that no child should ever have to deal with but my kids, not so much. I love his children and he loves mine. It isn't that I don't want to give to them but I also don't want to take away from mine.

 

I don't want to leave him, I love this man and I'm married to him. It would be so easy for me to leave but like I said, I'm not looking for an easy way out. I just want a normal life and a normal marraige. I took my vows very seriously and in those vows I promised for better or for worse. So here is the worse, I just don't know how to deal with it.

 

If there is a way I can get over the "cheating/not cheating, commitment/no commitment" thing, that will resolve the bulk of our problems. I just don't know how to make that one go away. The child support, when the kids start to suffer by not getting to do the things they want to do because "mommy dearest" thinks someone else should foot the bill, he'll get tired of telling them no and really all I have to do is not be the one to always pay for these things. Eventually, I am guessing he will tire of her leaving him holding the bag. It really isn't a question of where he spends his money, I see where his money goes, it is more a question of where she spends her money if she isn't giving to her children.

 

I know I sound wishy-washy and one of my posts I sound stupid and pathetic and the very next one I am explaining the dynamics of what is a dysfunctional relationship, in the hopes of making it functional. The main thing is I don't want to run, I want to stay and fight, after all, I am his wife.......

[jmargel]

You still haven't answered my questions: What are you getting out of this marriage?

 

You might not want to give up, which I give you credit for, however it takes *two* to make the marriage work. By doing what he is doing, he's not working at it, just making things worse. Will he goto counseling? That will tell you alot right there if he says no to it.

[a4a]

So you have a man that allows his X to plant drugs on you?

 

He allows her to walk all over you.

 

He is the burglar...... taking you to the cleaners and quick.

 

For a guy with a 9th grade education he certainly is smart as all hell.

 

They are both working you over as a team, if it is a team by choice or not they are still together working you over.

 

Would you allow your X to do these things to your husband?

 

Either put your foot down and clearly state and enforce the rules of this marriage including all those things Gunny mentioned and more...... or pack and leave now.

 

Or your next thread will be: My H and his X are back together and I am living in a cardboard box with my kids.

[Mz. Pixie]

You don't need to be going ~ you need to be gone from this relationship. You've re-bounded into this marriage from your previous relationship, and what is exactally going to happen as time goes by, is your going to regain your self condidence, self asteem ~ and you're going to come to resent Steven, and then as still more time goes by that resentment is going to to turn to haterd, and then further down the line ~ loathing.

 

WTF? Your suppose to sell your four bedroom house, and nine acres of land and put it toward paying off his mortgage and credit card debt ~ WHAT ARE YOU? FREAKING NUTS! NO FREAKING WAY!!!!!!!!! And then to top that one ~ he's not going to put put your name on the mortgage? Well, Hell, I've got some oceasfront property in Arizona if you think that's a good deal?

 

And, then he doesn't want to "man-up" and deal with the looney-tune, Daffy Duck of an XW, who's $9K in arrears and paying only one fifth of her monthly child support, not to mention half of her children's expenses.

 

And, then ever so Mr. Romanitc says he likes the option of telling you to GTFO in the future, ~ when? After you've sold your house and land, paid off his mortgage and other bills, all the money is gone? And, then he moves Ms. Looney Tunes back in on your dime? What are you thinking? This guys using you! Bigtime, and what is all the more he's probally setting you up for a stooge pegion. If I were you, I take what yo wrote at the beginning of this tread, and cut and paste it into a word file, so two years from now you can change the wording to the past tense, and post it as a new thread about how your 2nd STBXH screwed you out of house, home, money, and now you and your children are out in the streets.

 

DUMP THIS CLOWN! THIS LOSER! THIS MOUSE!

 

DON'T BE GOING ~ BE GONE!!!!

 

RUN LIKE NO OTHER!

 

If you don't, you're nothing more than being neglectful to yourself, your personal welfare and that of your children.

 

And, when you print it out don't buy into "I'll change" this guy doesn't have a pair, lacks any intestinal fortitude, (no guts), and is seriously lacking in personal integrity and accountablity.

 

Let me tell how this should be going.

 

1. He should put you name on the deed to his house before you sell your house and land.

 

2. He should be paying off his own personal debts, that he acquired before the marriage.

 

3. He should dragg the XW back into court and make her pay the full amount each month due in child support + arrears, plus half of their children's expenses.

 

4. He should take out a RO on the XW and put up survallence cameras, and have a security system installed.

 

5. He should have her butt thrown in jail if she violates any of the court orders.

 

6. You should sit down and work up the household budget, Totally it up, and then total up your and his income combined. Divide indivdually yours and his income. That will give you a percentage. For argument's sake, say a 45/55 % split. That's how much of your income goes toward the household expenses. What is left is your money to do with as you see fit and proper, to spend on and provide for your chilidren. If you as you said earn more than he does, this will free up more of his money to spend on his children.

 

 

 

 

BRAVO BRAVO BRAVO!

[Mz. Pixie]

See, everyones first response is telling me to leave, run dont walk and that would be the easy way out. Got a problem, run. I don't want to leave I want to make my marraige work and there HAS to be a way to MAKE it work because I love him. Gunny, I like your ideas.....No I love your ideas and yes that is how it should work

 

We are not people to normally tell someone to get out of a marriage if it's workable. Read some of our other posts. You just don't like what we're saying- because it's the truth- and you're so desperate to have this man you're blind to the fact that he's using you.

 

I do love him though......I don't think I settled for the first man who came along

 

I couldn't disagree with this statement more. You DID. Anyone else would have ran from this nightmare as fast as possible.

 

As someone who met their husband while separated from their first husband I can tell you 100 percent you jumped and didn't think things through completely.

 

 

I hate making excuses for someone and some of you are going to think I am making excuses for him right now. I am not, but I am also not looking for an easy way out, I am simply looking for a way to fix this mess we have created

 

To truly get out of this mess it will require years and years of strong marriage counseling, which he is obviously not agreeable to.

 

Steven is not your average guy, he grew up VERY poor, the youngest of 6 kids to a single mom. He married young to his first wife, I think he was 17 and for some reason it ended very early on. His second wife, the crazy ex!!! He also married her very young, she was pregnant when they married and he says he married her because he was "honor bound". From what I understand she really couldn't stand him. She has a degree in psychology and he has a 9th grade education. I think she always thought of herself as better than him

 

Yeah, and you know what? I was abused in every way possible growing up- and ended pulling myself up from by my bootstraps. I have made mistakes but I take responsibility for them. Have you ever noticed that in both of these situations HE was the victim??

 

Steven spent 17 years married to this woman, they had 3 children together but in those 17 years they both tell me that very few of them were good years. She withheld sex as a "punishment", kept him buried in debt with imaginary illnesses, underminded anything he said to his children, used him as a meal ticket and was even physically abusive to him. Lets just say, it wasn't a good marraige but I think he stuck it out because he felt like his own father deserted him as a child and I think after spending so many years with her he did love her

 

I think it's funny again that it's all her fault and he's innocent. Especially given now that we see how he treats you. And I have news for you honey- when its over between you guys it will be the same way- he'll blame it on you and he'll be the victim.

 

unfortunately, she has a very narcissistic personality and she thinks the entire world revolves around her

No, I'm sorry- this is your husband that thinks the world revolves around him and is a narcassist. And being as how I was raised by one I believe I can see the signs. One of them is that everything is always the other persons fault and they DO NOT have a problem, do not need to see a counselor, because they think in reality it's the other person's problem and not theirs

 

If I knew what it was about him that made me so infatuated, I'd tell you. I don't even know, there is just something about him

 

It's something about you, and the fact that you feel you do not deserve any better. And us horrible people are just telling you to give up!

 

I decided every time to stick it out and show him that I wasn't going to be chased off by her and I wasn't going to run at the first sign of a problem

 

He could have put a stop to this at any time if he wanted to. It was him who allowed her to act this way. There is no such thing as "her chasing you off". And there is a HUGE difference between a problem and a great big ole cluster f#ck as you've gotten yourself into.

 

he doesn't see it as too big of a deal. I think as his only defense all he can do is tell me it is in the past and to shake it off. To me that "past" was our future and it isn't as easy as just shaking it off

This is a huge red flag to me- because obviously fidelity is not very important to him. If it were, he wouldn't have allowed her to have an "open" marriage.

 

Two days later I found marijuana in my jewelry box so I took it to the police to have it tested and it really was pot.

 

This here proves she has access to your home.

 

In all honesty, the house is all he's got and he is afraid he'll lose it

 

When I married my husband, he had a home. It had been purchased with part of an inheritance his grandfather left him ( big downpayment). I didn't have to ask him to put my name on it, he just did. One day popped out a deed for me to sign.

 

Our issues with sex, I think because she withheld sex from him for so long, he is conditioned not to want it

 

This is either BS he's telling you or BS that you're telling yourself to keep the focus off the fact that before he was fXucking two women consistently before and wasn't having an issue!

 

The kids, my kids love him and his kids love me

This may be true, however, there is not a deep enough bond there to be worried about at this point. Also you are not putting yourself in a position to where you can protect them should things turn sour. Think of how they will feel three years down the line when things go sour.

 

I don't want to leave him, I love this man and I'm married to him. It would be so easy for me to leave but like I said, I'm not looking for an easy way out. I just want a normal life and a normal marraige. I took my vows very seriously and in those vows I promised for better or for worse. So here is the worse, I just don't know how to deal with it

 

Again, we're not telling you to take an easy way out. If you were my sister or my friend I would be giving you the same advice. This is not a workable situation. You are NEVER going to have a normal life and marriage being married to this man. This has nothing to do with for better or for worse, because obviously your relationship was so dysfunctional when you met and married that you really didn't even know this person. So how could you have known what saying for better or worse would really mean in this situation because you didn't know him or put enough thought into this before you said I do.

 

It really isn't a question of where he spends his money, I see where his money goes, it is more a question of where she spends her money if she isn't giving to her children

 

I really do not understand all of this his money/my money- his stuff my stuff thing. Because to me, when you marry someone you blend it all together. I do not resent money spend on my stepson any more than my husband resents money spent on my two children. But, where she spends her money is not really any of your business. That's his problem and he's not dealing with it. And he's not ever going to deal with it.

 

The main thing is I don't want to run, I want to stay and fight, after all, I am his wife.......

 

You know, I said I was going to stay away from this thread. But I just had to try to hop in one more time for your children's sake. We're all giving you great advice and all of us cannot be wrong. I've been here a while, as well as Touche and Jmargel and A4A. Gunny is newer but his advice rocks ass. Just because we're not telling you what you need to hear doesn't mean we're not right.

 

You are his wife, but you made a huge error in judgement by doing that. You were in a vulnerable state when he met you and he zeroed in on you like a vampire. I can understand where you were and why this has happened but what you really need to wrap your head around is that your kids are going to pay the price for that. Regardless if you say they aren't. Children pick up on their mother being upset. They pick up on tension in a home even when you think they are not picking up on it. Dr Phil even says they will twist a situation around where they make it out to be their fault.

 

Do not make them pay for your haste in getting remarried before you were emotionally ready.

[Guest]

It's so sad watching someone try to deny reality. You are sticking your fingers in your ears and singing lalalalalala while people are trying to tell you to leave a burning building. You're standing there inhaling smoke and saying 'no, there's no fire because I don't want there to be a fire'.

 

You, my friend, are going to get burned to a crisp and you'll have nobody to blame but yourself because you refuse - REFUSE to see that you're on fire.

 

Sad, sad sad.

[lasan]

If you want to let your life be ruined by this man and his ex, more power to you. Your children deserve better than that and shouldn't have to be dragged down in this mess because you want to be with him.

[norajane]

A few weeks ago we had child protective services here accusing me of being a drug user (I have never, ever used drugs) and accusing me of being a burgular. Though they couldn't tell us who called, there were things they were accusing me of that would have only come from her such as, I don't really live here but I would try to say that I do. My guess is to take any focus off of him and his kids. Two days later I found marijuana in my jewelry box so I took it to the police to have it tested and it really was pot. At that point she had no idea we were about to get married so that really backfired on her, that and the fact that my drug screen came back negative.

 

I am shocked that you went ahead and married him after this.

 

Why are you willing to put your kids' future at risk? Do you have any idea how badly things can go for you once you are on CPS's radar? Do you have any idea how much more trouble she can make for you by claiming all kinds of things about you?

 

Do you have any idea what would have happened if that marijuana had been more easily visible and CPS had seen it? You took a drug test - what if CPS had requested the police search your home for drugs and they found the pot?

 

What if one of the children had run across it in your jewelry box?

 

Are you really willing to put your children at risk further?

[stevensgirl]

O;k just to answer some of the questions that were asdked of me

 

jmargel: What am I getting out of this marraige? I don't know what are you supposed to GET out of a marraige? I enjoy being with him when the problems are at a minimum. I love him, why, I don't know just because I do. Will he go to counseling with me, I am not sure. I know his ex-wife was in counseling and after she started counseling things got worse between them and she wanted out even more.

 

a4a: I don't think he ALLOWED her to plant that marjuana in the house but what else can he do, we took it to the police so that there was no doubt of what it was and so we had some proof that strange things are happening. No I would never allow my ex-husband to disrespect Steven the way his ex-wife disrespects me but I could have also put an end to that a long time ago instead of letting her get to me. In all fairness to him, each time she has done something the police have been called, there is just never any "proof" that it was her.

 

Ms. Pixie: I couldn't agree with you more on some points but first off I don't think you are horrible people because your advice is different than what I want to hear. As for some of your questions posed to me, one of the things that I've had the biggest problems that I have IS the fact that at one time not too long ago he was screwing 2 of us,. Why all of a sudden did his sex drive decrease so much? He doesn't remember how many times in those 3 months he slept with her, could have been as few as 3x or as many as 10. I think he just doesn't want to tell me because he prides himself on being honest with me and if he is honest then I may get my feelings hurt more. Again, that is one of my biggest problems with this whole situation.

 

He tells me all the time that it will take a conscious effort on my part to let it rest and I agree but at the same time, unless his d*ck just fell into her than it took a conscious effort on his part to have been screwing both of us. I know for a fact that his d*ck didn't just FALL into me. Like I said before if i could just get past that part of all of this then the bulk of our problems would be over.

 

As for the my money/his money thing, I got better than $400,000.00 in my divorce including the home and land. It is my money and not only that it is my life savings, surely anyone would understand that. I am not so much worried about my name being on his deed, I couldn't care less except for the fact that I wwant to make sure that I have something to fall back on should our marraige end.

 

I am not saying he is innocent and it is all her fault, maybe he has a little bit of a carcassistic personality, too, maybe we all do. I know I deserve nothing less than the best for me and my children and to me Steven could be the best for us, if things were handled a little bit different with his ex-wife. And yes, this is a big ole cluster f#uck as you've put it. I wish it wasn't. Thats what I'm trying to figure out, how to fix this big ole cluster f#ck.

 

No, I don't think fidelity is as important to him as it is to me, the only thing I can figure is that he got so used to it with her that it doesn't really matter as much to him now. He has assured me that once he made a committment to me it would never happen again.

 

Maybe the whole thing about being conditioned to not want sex IS b.s., I don't know. I do know that he is in pain a lot of the time and maybe he is not willing to admit that he is in pain. Again the fact that he could have sex with not one but two women kind of blows that theory out of the water huh?

 

Maybe I did jump the gun marrying him, maybe we should have waited but the fact of the matter is we didn't and I'm not willing to just walk away from a marraige, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to fix it.

 

Norajane: Yeah I was pissed about CPS, I am a good mother, I keep a nice house, my (our) children are well fed, I'm not a big drinker and I've never taken drugs, so yeah I was pissed. When I discovered the pot I was even more pissed, yeah I do know what COULD have happened. The locks are changed and until she steals the kids keys or finds another way in I am safe enough from her "revenge". No, I would not want my children at risk.

 

Once again, when I began my original post I wasn't hoping to get enough people to back me so I could leave him, I was hoping that someone else had been in a situation similar to mine and might know a solution to some of our problems.

 

Today Steven got online and printed out all the papers he needed to let Child support enforcement go after her, that was a huge step for him. In the long run I think if he is more comfortable going that route rather than filing a contempt against her, then that is o:k. As long as he follows through. My guess is that once he does that she will see that the games have to stop.

 

If he still loves her or not really doesn't matter at this point. He says he doesn't and he IS married to me now. I just want to fix this so I can get on with our lives, thats all.

[dgiirl]

Once again, when I began my original post I wasn't hoping to get enough people to back me so I could leave him, I was hoping that someone else had been in a situation similar to mine and might know a solution to some of our problems.

 

I know you really want to fix your marriage, and I truely do respect that, but the truth of the matter is, YOU cannot fix this marriage. YOU cannot make him be truthful. YOU cannot make him be faithful. YOU cannot make him respect your feelings. YOU cannot make him put you before his exw. YOU cannot make him respect his marriage vows. And until ALL of those things are done, you have no marriage! You are living in a fantasy world until he plugs in. And he doesnt WANT to plug in. He wants to make it your problem by saying that YOU need to get over his unfaithfulness. It's up to you to either accept the way he is, he will NEVER change, or get out. That's pretty much your choice in this thing. Either LIVE with his unfaithfulness, LIVE with the fact that you are second to his exw, LIVE with the fact that he's just using you, or stand up for yourself and take action. You have no other options.

[Gunny376]

Fine!

 

Steven is the love of your life! He's the air that you breath!

 

Despite everyone here telling you that a train is coming, and we're all setting off flairs, blowing whistles, yelling, hooting, and screaming and waving flags telling you that a run-away train is coming down the mountain. and the brakes are gone ~ and that you need to get you azz off the tracks, you decide to remain on the tracks.

 

OoooooRaaah! Your hard corps ~ I've got to give you that. Its hard finging a woman that is willing to "stand by her man" and white knuckle this bitch to the bitter end.

 

With that said:

 

Let me tell how this should be going.

 

1. He should put you name on the deed to his house before you sell your house and land. If he still is so pre-disposed to not put you on the deed, then fine. But, none of your income goes toward the mortgage. NONE! And, if you sell your house, none of your money goes toward the his mortgage.

 

2. He should be paying off his own personal debts, that he acquired before the marriage. (His debt are his debts, and he not you are responsible for them)

 

3. He should drag the XW back into court and make her pay the full amount each month due in child support + arrears, plus half of their children's expenses.

 

4. He should take out a RO on the XW and put up survalence cameras, and have a security system installed.

 

5. He should have her butt thrown in jail if she violates any of the court orders.

 

6. You should sit down and work up the household budget, Total it up, and then total up your and his income combined. Divide indivdually yours and his income. That will give you a percentage. For argument's sake, say a 45/55 % split. That's how much of your income goes toward the household expenses. What is left is your money to do with as you see fit and proper, to spend on and provide for your chilidren. If you as you said earn more than he does, this will free up more of his money to spend on his children.

 

7. The XW is out of the picture completely. The only thing they have to talk about is the children. Let the XW know that your on the other line. Not because you don't trust him, but because you don't trust her!

 

He tells me all the time that it will take a conscious effort on my part to let it rest and I agree but at the same time, unless his d*ck just fell into her than it took a conscious effort on his part to have been screwing both of us. I know for a fact that his d*ck didn't just FALL into me. Like I said before if i could just get past that part of all of this then the bulk of our problems would be over.

 

 

Simply put you've got to put the past in the past, move forward and quit dwelling on this.

 

Maybe the whole thing about being conditioned to not want sex IS b.s., I don't know. I do know that he is in pain a lot of the time and maybe he is not willing to admit that he is in pain. Again the fact that he could have sex with not one but two women kind of blows that theory out of the water huh?

 

That's BS, he's still scrogging the old lady

[Touche]

Also I do want to add something. You said something about that you vowed to stay with him for better or for worse. Well, if you're only married TWO WEEKS and he's talking to you the way he is, there's really not going to be any "better." More than likely it's only going to get worse. Did you vow to stay with him for worse and "worser?" Did he vow to share everything with you? He's not sharing the ownership of the house with you though is he? So why is it that only YOU will stick to your vows but it's ok for him not to? Is that a marriage?

[Guest]

YOU CANNOT FIX WHAT YOU DID NOT BREAK. His problem is his attitude and his personality. YOU CANNOT FIX HIM!!!!!!

 

Have you been abused in other relationships? Because it's not normal to take the blame and to think that it's your job to 'fix' this. However people who have been abused take blame where they should not when being mistreated by others.

[stevensgirl]

Fine!

 

Steven is the love of your life! He's the air that you breath!

 

I never said that Steven is the "air that I breath", I said that I love him. My first husband, it was as easy as him going to a lawyer, filing a piece of paper and ending everything I knew for nearly 15 years. I never saw myself divorced in the first place, how can I imagine going through that again.

 

Despite everyone here telling you that a train is coming, and we're all setting off flairs, blowing whistles, yelling, hooting, and screaming and waving flags telling you that a run-away train is coming down the mountain. and the brakes are gone ~ and that you need to get you azz off the tracks, you decide to remain on the tracks.

 

It isn't that I WANT to be hit by that train, I guess I am just hoping that the train will switch tracks and avoid me.

 

OoooooRaaah! Your hard corps ~ I've got to give you that. Its hard finging a woman that is willing to "stand by her man" and white knuckle this bitch to the bitter end.

 

I am not trying to be "hard core", I'm trying to do what is right, for everyone involved. What if I am wrong? What if we are all wrong about Steven?

 

Funny story: When I was a young girl, maybe about 17, I met a wonderful boy named Tim he loved me and would have done anything for me. I loved him too but being young and dumb and fickle, I broke that boys heart so many times. I thought that, well I don't know what I thought, I loved him and he loved me but I figured he'd keep me in the little Mississippi town we grew up in if I ever married him.. Tim would always tell me that he was going to marry me someday.

 

We grew up, I moved away and figured I'd never see him again. Many years later, Tim looked me up and we met up. Keep in mind by the time we met back up we were about 10 years and 1,200 miles from where we started. By then I was married and had children. He was still the same man I knew so many years earlier and I couldn't figure out what it was that I didn't love about him back then. We stayed in contact for about 6 mos. and then he got married and we lost contact.

 

Another 10 years passed and he looked me up again, This time , this time I was 800 miles from where we met up the second time and this time he was single and I had just gotten involved with Steven. I told Tim that I had to see where it went with Steven and I sent him away again. I was wrong so many years ago and I made a huge mistake, how can I be sure I would be doing the right thing now if I leave Steven?

 

 

Simply put you've got to put the past in the past, move forward and quit dwelling on this.

 

I know that ya'll don't think I can fix this and maybe I can, maybe I can't but people do change. I know this because I am not the same person I was 25 years ago, I am not the same person I was 15 years ago and I'm not the same person I was a year and a half ago when I met Steven.

 

 

 

That's BS, he's still scrogging the old lady

 

Impossible unless he is doing it after I fall asleep......