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Wife wants to separate


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Hi,

 

I'm 22 and my wife is 23. We've been married for almost a year now, though have bene living together for about three years. We met online and after talking with each other, she moved cross-country to be with me. We moved in together immediatelly and have spent every day since then together. Unfortunately we've made some bad financial decisions and could not afford to keep the apartment, so were forced to move cross-country to live with her family. We've been there for a year now and things were looking forward, I thought, since we figured we could probably move out on our own again in the beginning of next year.

 

Last week, however, I said something very stupid to her that was the last straw. She told me the next day that she wants to separate. While she did say several times that she was unhappy in the past, this still caught me by surprise, since I didn't think it was that bad. She wants me to move out by the end of this week.

 

It doesn't seem like any of my attemts to convince her otherwise are working, which is probably not surprising since she has lost trust in me and does not believe when I say things will change. I want to respect her decision, but at the same time I am very affraid that this will just be one step closer to a divorce. I love her very much and don't want to lose her. I know she loves me too, but simply cannot continue being miserable with our constant problems with regard to my maturity, lack of communication, and selfishness. We had a fight last week (before all this happened) and I was making an effort to change certain things, but now this hit and it doesn't look like she has the strength to see if things will actually change this time.

 

I just don't know what to do. In some ways, I can see how a separation might be beneficial, since it will force me to grow up. On the other hand, I can't imagine being without her. She said we can still see each other and date, but it's not the same.

 

I also worry about finances, since we still have too many bills and not enough income. We both work and have been finally able to pay some loans off. If we separate and I have to move out and find a place to live, we won't be able to pay off the remaining loan any time soon. There's also the issue with the bills which will leave me something like $500-$600 to live on every month, including rent and everything else.

 

In other words, I am completely lost. I don't want to stop trying to convince her to reconsider, but at the same time I feel like if I don't it will just make things worse. Any and all advice on the matter would be greatly appreciated.

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I would listen to what your gut (instinct) is telling you on this one. I too am married and going through something somewhat similar. While I'm a little older, 29, and my wife, 25, it's really about timing for me too. Just getting started in life is rough, tough and plain ole' hard. It's really something one should wade through on their own independence. I only get this now by looking back and realizing what I should have done.

 

My wife wanted to seperate and so she did. I waited, gave her space and grew up. During this time apart, 5 months and counting, I held on. Even though my gut said it was over. To be honest, it really isn't worth the emotional strain ~ if you know it's over. As for money, it's not real or long lived. The more you make, the more you spend anyways. The financial rough patch will pass, they always do when your strong inside.

 

I too can think of a thousand reason to want to be with my wife. I just had to realize that comfort, familiarity, security and love are all things we may be lacking within ourselves. Finding these keys will unlock your heart to a beautiful relationship where true love can grow.

 

Give it time, but listen to youself. Hearing that small, quiet and subtle voice will not steer you wrong. And will be rewarded with confidence.

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LakesideDream
Hi,

 

I'm 22 and my wife is 23. We've been married for almost a year now, though have bene living together for about three years. We met online and after talking with each other, she moved cross-country to be with me. We moved in together immediatelly and have spent every day since then together. Unfortunately we've made some bad financial decisions and could not afford to keep the apartment, so were forced to move cross-country to live with her family. We've been there for a year now and things were looking forward, I thought, since we figured we could probably move out on our own again in the beginning of next year.

 

Last week, however, I said something very stupid to her that was the last straw. She told me the next day that she wants to separate. While she did say several times that she was unhappy in the past, this still caught me by surprise, since I didn't think it was that bad. She wants me to move out by the end of this week.

 

It doesn't seem like any of my attemts to convince her otherwise are working, which is probably not surprising since she has lost trust in me and does not believe when I say things will change. I want to respect her decision, but at the same time I am very affraid that this will just be one step closer to a divorce. I love her very much and don't want to lose her. I know she loves me too, but simply cannot continue being miserable with our constant problems with regard to my maturity, lack of communication, and selfishness. We had a fight last week (before all this happened) and I was making an effort to change certain things, but now this hit and it doesn't look like she has the strength to see if things will actually change this time.

 

I just don't know what to do. In some ways, I can see how a separation might be beneficial, since it will force me to grow up. On the other hand, I can't imagine being without her. She said we can still see each other and date, but it's not the same.

 

I also worry about finances, since we still have too many bills and not enough income. We both work and have been finally able to pay some loans off. If we separate and I have to move out and find a place to live, we won't be able to pay off the remaining loan any time soon. There's also the issue with the bills which will leave me something like $500-$600 to live on every month, including rent and everything else.

 

In other words, I am completely lost. I don't want to stop trying to convince her to reconsider, but at the same time I feel like if I don't it will just make things worse. Any and all advice on the matter would be greatly appreciated.

 

 

You were very cryptic in your post, not saying what you "said" that caused the crisis, not detailing the problems the two of you faced.

 

It's difficult to respond in anything other than an "Ice Cream and Strawberries" manner. Obviously the two of you have been short on planning and responsibiiility.. what got you into financial difficulties? New Cars? Medical Bills?.. there are solutions, first you need to supply the facts.

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