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my wife says she doesn't love me anymore


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it's amazing how many people go through the exact same problems.. it's

almost scary.. my wife left me on March 8th.(for the second time.. 1st

time was for a week).. and now on Oct 1th she finally told me she

wasn't coming back home.. and the "spark" or "feelings" she had for me

are completly gone.. it is VERY hard for me to handle this.. we've been

together for 10 years.. married for 6.. and have 2 daughters (3&5

now).. she's given up.. and doesn't even want to try and work things

out..(no consoling/doctors/nothing) I asked her several months ago if

she would consider coming back home.. so we could try.. but no.. she

doesn't want too.. not even try for the sake of our family.. it's like

she's 2 persons.. evil/good side.. I see her emotions come out once in

a while.. mostly if she's crying..(because of some letters/things I've

told her) but most of the time it's like she's built a wall around

here.. hiding the real her behind it.. and doesn't want that "good"

part of her to show up.. I strongly believe she's depressed.. and

what's sad.. it doesn't seem like anybody on her side of the family is

doing anything to help her.. I've offerred my help.. but now it seems

anything I say is a bad thing.. she rather stick a lawyer at me now..

asking for joint custody.. and asking for child/spousal support.. isn't

that nice? you devote your entire life to somebody.. just to be repaid

by this.. to be cheated.. to be lied to.. and now this.. I even found

out she was having an affair behind my back for the past few years..

and this was while she was pregnant for our second child.. I'm

completly lost in my emotions/feelings.. thank god for my mother and my

girls.. they keep me strong right now.. and I have to be strong for

them.. (but it's hard)

when my 5 year old daugher makes a wish.. she told me she wishes mommy

would come back home so we could be a family again...(she's even told

her that)

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Is the affair over? do you have your girls or are they with her?

 

Nothing you tell her at this point will get thru to her so you may as well stop that now. You are the last person she wants to hear about anything wrong with her.

 

Now is the time to refocus yourself on you and on your girls. Time to take them on that vacation you've always wanted to, or just sit down with them and watch a movie, one on each side of you. Let the dishes sit, let the laundry pile up....they need you right now, too. So even if she's not there, let them know you are. And yeah, you need them as much as they need you, for your strength and your support. Don't run her down in front of them and don't let anyone else do it either. She wants to act like a teenager again, fine, but someone needs to be an adult.

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FYI- it's very hard to get spousal support- unless she's been a SAHM who doesn't have the skills to get a job. You need to start now and document everything- everything even if you think it's not important. When you have the girls, what you do for them- what she does/says etc. Then, if you haven't, get yourself an attorney. Depending on what state you're in- you may can claim adultery in the paperwork. Some states even allow you to sue the OM for "alienation of affection" check into that.

 

Otherwise, your wife is not your wife right now. She's functioning under the hold of an addiction- the addiction of the affair. It's like a drug she'll do almost anything to get.

 

I know, because I once was a cheating wife.

 

Two books I will suggest.

 

Surviving an Affair and Love must be tough. Get them. Love must be tough in particular outlines the things that you do NOT need to do.

 

Have you visited marriagebuilders.com yet??

 

Do you want to save your marriage??

 

Hang in there and be strong, your girls need you.

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LakesideDream

Another "I need my space" - "don't love you anymore" - "the spark is gone"... story.

 

I understand that both men and women are capable of doing this. It always seems to happen when someone is "waiting in the wings" though.

 

Time to move on buddy. Get yourself an attorney, document everything, and protect yourself. You will will be doing the same, protecting herself and her new man, with which she does "have feelings, and spark".

 

Good Luck.

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I strongly believe she's depressed.

 

sad to say, you think and do a lot of strange things when you're in a depressive stage, and those things you love? When that funk has got a tight hold on you, you start thinking that maybe because you're not feeling happy about anything, those things you love aren't really making you happy either. Your whole viewpoint becomes skewed, but you still make life-changing decisions without second-guessing them.

 

despite how things turn out for your marriage, encourage your wife to get a medical check up so that if she is suffering from depression, she gets the help she needs.

 

in the meantime, I've got agree with what the others have said about putting your effort into your kids and not worrying about whether the house is a bit messy, about protecting yourself – and your girls – by getting an attorney and going on the offensive before she decides to completely wreck your life just because she can with a messy divorce. As hard as it is to see a marriage bust up, you've got to remember that marriage is about love, divorce about revenge for something real or imagined. It's not wrong to hope that you two will work things out, but you'd be smart to proceed as if you weren't so that you aren't blindsided by her actions.

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Is the affair over? do you have your girls or are they with her?

she's told me she hasn't spoken or seen this other guy in a long long time.. she's even switched jobs.

we alternate weeks at the moment and so far that's working pretty good..

I was pretty much forced to get a lawyer (btw I'm in Ontario/Canada) since I received a lovely letter from her attorney within weeks of her leaving.. (seems planned to me.. or she's receiving some advice from somebody else)

 

Right now he lawyer want's my financial information so we can get a seperation aggreement done up.. and start seperating the assets..

(these requests all began within weeks of her leaving)

 

My biggest problem to top all of this all is that I can't afford a lawyer or get free legal aid like she got. We were pretty high in debt (I'm sure another reason for her stress.. but who's not in debts these days?) but we were living comfortabily.. but now that she's gone along with paycheck and child tax credit I'm left to pay %100 of the debts.. mortgage and everything else that comes with a house..

I'm on the verge of declaring bankrupcy if I'm not careful... and I can't afford $500 lawyer fees for 1/2 sessions (they are crooks)..

I don't want to lose our (kids and I) house.. This is their home.. this is where their friends are.. and this is where they go to school..

(and yes I've cutback on everything I could possibly cut)

 

it's true what one of you said.. it's like she's back to her old "teenage" self.. before I met her.. she's having fun right now.. going out with friends, staying up late, etc.. while I'm at home trying to keep this family/life of ours from totatally colapsing..

 

It's like I'm dreaming.. and this is my worse nightmare.. I still can't believe it..

 

when she told me she wasn't coming back the other day.. I didn't believe her.. and I still don't.. why?

cause the first time she left.. she was pretty much doing the same thing.. being trapper within herself.. not showing her true feelings/emotions through.. how did I make her "snap" out of it? Basically one day I got fed up.. and told her over the phone this: "you want it to be over? you want me to be mad and NOT want you back? want me to hate you? ok fine.. I don't want you.. I don't need you.. it's over.. have a beautiful life on your own.." .... then I hung up the phone on her.. I then went to visit my parents cause I was a little out of it then..

 

about an hour later she shows up at my parents (she left her work) and was crying.. and said she wanted to talk.. (finally).. and admitting she was having a rough time.. and she's confused/etc.. but that she still DID love me.." ... we talked for a while after that.. and then told me.. "you know what? I think we'll be better than ever now.. "... that made feel like a million bucks... but then.. few months later she started falling back in this zone (dark side).. where she wasn't showing her emotions as much again..

 

I did try and get us some help (for the second time through work.. they have a 3rd party company who handles these things) and it was working a bit.. but the second time we went .. we got the brush off pretty much.. (they've been reported by my employer already.. and I doubt they use them their services anymore)

 

anyhow.. now she refurses to talk to anybody (that I know of anyways).. she does go visit our family doctor once in a while.. blood tests/routine checksups I'm guess (birth control pills.. she's always been on those)

 

So yeah.. it's totally messed up.. and I risk losing everything I've worked so hard to get for us.. and she doesn't even seem to care one bit..

 

yes I've made some mistakes.. I've admited that to her.. I probably wasn't around as much as she really needed me to be around.. when we had our first baby I was working shift-work.. and when I got home I was totally exausted.. so I didn't help out as much with the baby at the time.. that bugges her extremly.. and you would't believe how many time I apologies and admit how wrong that was.. we most 5 months later back to our home town.. close the family.. when we had our second child.. I took 5 months OFF work to help out with the new baby and at the time.. our 2 year old..

 

my wife always blames everything (most of the time) on my computer.. that I spent too much time on it... what can I say.. I'm a computer guy.. always have been.. my job involves computer even... BUT.. in the past years I'm made a huge effort to get off when she needs me.. or if there's things to be done.. but now she' pretty much blacklisted computers period.. she hates them with a passion..

she also hates that I'm a compulsive spender.. and I know I have that problem.. and I admit it.. I even tell her to handle the money.. so that I don't get the urge to spend.. but she didn't want that responsibility.. now.. I've made huge improvements.. and I watch myself way more.. and I've controlled those urges more.. cause I think of my kids.. and I know I have to watch out for them.. for their future..

 

I'm not perfect.. but nobody is.. but my wife I guess just had enough with me.. and has stopped caring/trying.. and doesn't want to give our marriage/family a second glimpse..

so in some ways.. yes.. I may be to blame for some of the emotions she's having now.. but I've always been there when she needed me.. but she was barely there for me.. it's supposed to work both ways right?

but now she's out to have fun again.. on her own..

I know she loves our girls.. but I don't think she was ready to really have kids.. cause most of these "Changes" in her started after our first child was born..

 

anyways.. sorry for the long post.. I'll stop now..

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Hi JohnnyG and welcome.

 

First off don't stop posting, and post as often and as much as you need to, about whatever you need to post.

 

I went through tha' "****" sixteen years ago, and I come here to help out others. Sixteen years ago there wasn't an Internet, and a LS, its was just me George Jones, and Jack Daniels. I don't have all the solutions to all the problems, nor all the answers to all of the questions, but I am a vet.

 

First off lets address you financial concerns. Goggle (LS won't let me direct link you because its a paid sight ~ $2 American Dollars a month). Mary Hunt and Debt Proof Living Its a website that will tell you how to step back from the brink. One step at a time.

 

Mary got herself into $100,000 worth of credit card debt + a mortgage, + car payments. And, she paid back every single dime. Once you've become a member, you can access the fourmn. Just reading about other financial problems will make you feel better. And the place is chocked full of ideas, solutions, ways to make a penny scream and to strecth a dollar. It will change your perspective and mentaility about money, about debt and about getting out of debt.

 

Then there's Dave Ramsey's "Total Money Makeover" Dave was a multimillionaire, went broke, filed bankruptcy, and became a multimillionaire all over again. (My personal perference is Mary Hunt ~ although both of them speak about the same "truth"

 

The wife? Bottom line is that she's crazy for leaving, but the only thing that you can do is just let her go. In the end that's going to be the best thing for you and her, and the girls. Just let her go. She wants to make a train wreck out of her life ~ let her, but don't let her make a train wreck out of yours and the children.

 

The sooner you "man~up" and quit buyin off on her BS, the better. You know, I know, we all know that the way she's behaving is BS!

 

I can sit here all day long and talk about how so in-perfect my life is, and how I didn't get this break, or how I didn't get that break. I can sit here all day and talk about how un-fair life is. I can sit around all week and feel sorry for myself.

 

I guess you look at it the right light, I got abandoned by my Mother when I was six. My Dad was too busy chasing skirt to be a real Father. I was raised by my GP's, who were basically concered that I didn't fall down the well or poke an eye out. Being old, having raised seven children through the Great Depression, sent three son's off to fight WWII and the Korean War, I guess they were just tired.

 

In the end, all that amounts to "Whaaaaaa" Everyone did what they had to do at the time. Doesn't mean they liked it, doesn't mean they enjoyed it! It wasn't pretty, and it wasn't fun. As a matter of fact? It sucked! But, its the way it was.

 

There's the way things are suppose to be, and there's the way things are! We're suppose to get married and live happliy ever after, but it doesn't work that way. Such is life!

 

I'm not recommending that you be a "bastard", but I am recommending that you introduce a little reality into the DW's life. "Guess what! Its not all going to go your way! Guess what! Life hard! Its harder on those that are stupid!

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I can't afford a lawyer or get free legal aid like she got.

 

why wouldn't you be eligible for legal aid? Is it just for women? (not being bitchy, just have no idea how it works, and why you would be banned from getting assistance from them)

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I feel your pain..Been together 11yrs and married 8yrs.

 

My wife told me all the same stuff except she isn't asking for child/spousal support and she isn't filing for divorce at least not yet and its been 2 months since she left and moved back home with her mom and dad. Shes always out with her friends or who knows and not spending much time with our 5yr old son which I can tell he is starting to notice.

 

The only difference is she hasn't admitted to an affair or that she is seeing someone which I can't figure out why and I still haven't found any proof. So I guess I'll have to wait it out or spy on her.

 

Hang in there man and trust me just let her go its not worth it. I know its hard but I say nothing to my wife unless it has to do with our son and I pretend that I am fine and getting on with my life. Its their loss and they won't see it till its too late.

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burning 4 revenge

More than likely she lost her attraction to you physically awhile back and she tried to sacrifice her desires for the sake of you and the family. Eventually she found she couldn't be constrained forever with someone she wasn't attracted to and needed her freedom to pursue those she is.

 

Believe me, it's better than affairs, or an open marriage, or some of the other things you see around here. You should have left her after that affair she had when she was pregnant.

 

Please don't beg her to come back.

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yeah.. my mother told me the same thing.. "you shouldn't be the one trying despretly to get her back.. she should be beggin you for forgiveness and to take her back... she's mean/cruel to you and kids.. and the rest of the family" (cause when she has them.. she'll put them in daycare which is like 5mins away from me while I'm at home.. and she's at work)

 

She's even breaking her own parents hearts and doesn't seem to care.. she avoids talking to them about anything.. and now since she works all kinds of hours.. she gets her sister in law and parents to watch the kids all the time.. almost imposing it seems on them.. and some of her friends..

 

I saw where she's living right now.. with another couple.. and my girls have to share a very small bedroom.. .and sleep on air matresses side by side..

meanwhile they have their own bedrooms and bed.. and toys at their home.. I know she loves the girls.. but it's almost like she's forcing herself to love them.. cause she knows she has too.. since she's their mother.. but I know she would never harm them in any way.. I just don't like what she's putting them through right now...

 

I know it's like tough love.. cause I don't offer to help her.. cause I want her to have a hard time.. cause she seems to think life will be better elsewhere.. in the past 7months she's only asked me once to watch the girls for her.. since all 3 babysitters she had couldn't watch the girls..

(I was kinda mean and said.. "I'm very glad you asked me to watch them.. and of course I will watch/take them.. but I'm surprised you've taken this long to ask me for help")

 

anyways.. I know all of this sucks.. but sharing my story amongs other people with similiar issues does make it easier for me to deal with this a bit better.. I do spend all my waking time with my girls.. and they know their "daddy" loves them very much.. and I never bad-talk about their mom..

they seem to think it's kinda normal to be living this way now.. even though my 5 year asks sometimes why mommy doesn't stay with us anymore.. for a long time I used to tell them she's working (she used to work evening shifts all the time.. which was hard on me cause I'd barely see her.. and she would barely see the girls).. but now they know mommy has a house (if you want to call that a house).. and daddy has a house..

 

I will stay strong for my girls.. for myself.. and my family.. it actually helped me too that she finally (after all this time) that she wasn't coming back.. and keep on feeding me false hopes..

 

I've been told by everybody that I am a super father and was a great hsdband.. and that's she's nuts to be leaving me.. I gave her everything she could ever image or want from a companion.. and even though she used to say she apreaciated it.. I really wonder if she honestly did.. perhaps she did a long time ago..

 

I just wish I could get back the person I married 6 years ago.. my beautiful, lovely bride.. who meant the world to me.. and was everything to me.. but I guess that dream is gone.. and I have to move on.. my girls are my life now.. and I know they will love me forever..

 

thanks all for the kind words & advise.. it does help like you wouldn't believe :)

 

ps.. I will try and get more information about getting some free legal aid for myself.. normally I'm always told I make TOO MUCH money (whatever).. yes I make decent money.. but my debts are what are preventing me from alot of stuff right now.. it'll take me a few years to get out of them now that she's gone..

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ps.. I will try and get more information about getting some free legal aid for myself.. normally I'm always told I make TOO MUCH money (whatever).. yes I make decent money.. but my debts are what are preventing me from alot of stuff right now.. it'll take me a few years to get out of them now that she's gone..

 

Look in the Blue pages in your phone book... its a 1(800) # ...

 

then again I'm not sure if it covers family court matters...?? You could always call and find out... right.

 

I do know though, that getting it depends on your income. So you may be SOL...:(

ilmw

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And I'm confused?? If you guys are splitting custody then why is she getting the child tax credit?? You guys should be splitting it.

 

Put her bills off on her- you do not pay them!!!

 

It may be that you need to look into a part time job during the days you don't have the kids- to help make ends meet.

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And I'm confused?? If you guys are splitting custody then why is she getting the child tax credit?? You guys should be splitting it.

 

Put her bills off on her- you do not pay them!!!

 

It may be that you need to look into a part time job during the days you don't have the kids- to help make ends meet.

 

cause her lawyer says she doesn't have to give me anything.. not until a legal seperation agreement is done up.. they've (the lawyers) have done the math based on some basic financial information we've provided and it still turns out I'd have to pay her every month.. (nice eh? considering she left and I have to PAY her.. what a messed up legal system.. in Canada at least)

 

and no I don't pay any bills that are only under her name.. she pays those and has already changed her billing address on those bills (cell phone, credit card, etc)

 

but I did read somewhere that she is still obligated to pay 1/2 the payments of all the debts no matter what.. even though her name may not be on some of them (cause we were living together when certains debts/loans were made).. so if I did my math correctly (roughly) she'd have to pay me every month..

now here's the thing.. I haven't told her that (yet anyways).. but I told her with these bills that I may have to declare bankrupcy and risk losing everything we've worked so hard to earn.. she didn't even seem to care about this.. what she said "well.. if that happens.. then you can pay me the full child & spousal support payments" ... great..

 

I've found the phone # for legal support.. I'm gonna try calling them this evening and see what they say.. but I'm pretty sure it'll be the same story ("you make too much money to qualify") ..

so right now I've received 2 letters from her lawyer requesting my financial information.. which I've simply been ignoring.. since I can't afford to pay my lawyer to respond.. plus my lawyer says we should just go to court now.. and get the divorce steps started.. this is something I guess I wanted to avoid at all costs.. cause I know (believe) that one day she will step out of this "stupid" mindset she's in.. but I guess I have to stop kidding myself.. and move on.. and forget about her..

 

why do these things happen to good people? 2 years ago I thought my life was perfect (minus the debts) and now look at the mess I'm in.. *sigh*

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You need to do whatever it takes to find a good lawyer- even if it means borrowing the money!!!

 

I doubt very seriously you're going to have to pay her alimony- she LEFT YOU! She wants the divorce, not you. Does she work????????

 

I have a friend who used to post here- Yikes. He is in Canada. He and his wife were together a long time- are still separated and just not divorced.

 

His child support decreased because of 50/50 custody.

 

I'm going to ask him to come here and post.

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You need to do whatever it takes to find a good lawyer- even if it means borrowing the money!!!

 

I doubt very seriously you're going to have to pay her alimony- she LEFT YOU! She wants the divorce, not you. Does she work????????

 

I have a friend who used to post here- Yikes. He is in Canada. He and his wife were together a long time- are still separated and just not divorced.

 

His child support decreased because of 50/50 custody.

 

I'm going to ask him to come here and post.

 

yeah.. it's hard to find a good/honest lawyer.. I've been asking/looking around and nobody seems to know any in my area :(

(and I don't really have anybody who can help me financially with these lawyer fees.. I'm in so deep in debts.. I don't want to borrow anymore)

 

she never mentioned the word divorce.. just seperation agreement.. my current lawyer said we should stop with the letters.. since it's getting us nowhere.. and go to court and get started on divorce papers since it'll take a long while before it's settled/over. (says my girls could very well be in high school by the time it's over.. yikes!!)

 

she does work (doesn't make that much money.. she's in retail sales).. and yes she left me.. but that doesn't seem to matter.. that's how messed up the legal system is.. my lawyer did mention that I'd only have to pay spousal support for so many years (set in the agreement).. unless she re-marries (if I understood him correctly) child-support would pretty much be until my/our kids are 18.

 

I wany my girls primary residence to be with me... and I know she will fight me forever to not let that happen (she's already told me)

I don't mind the alternate week schedule.. but I want the papers to say their main home is with me (their real home.. not the shack she lives in rigth now)

 

these are the headaches I don't want to go through :( but have too.. it's hard to admit it's over.. very hard.. especially considering everything we've been through.. in the "good" years.. but I do know/realize I have no choice..

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JG...

 

Have you checked the inet regarding divorce in canada... I am sure through my endless search for answers in my own stich... I came across stuff... I just could not realy read it myself... cause I could not face it.

 

As you seem to have no choice it maybe a good short term alternative... Arm yourself with knowledge... and get the lawyer ASAP.

 

I too am in Ontario... and have little knowledge of Divorce procedure.. but spousal support... I have not heard of anyone... I know.. who has gone through this.. and had to pay... unless their spouse was SAHM....

 

Just keep searching the net... as I have been told myself on here... google is your friend:)

 

ilmw

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Your situation sounds a fair bit like mine, right down to the computer. (I too am a computer guy and it's how I make my living) I also am in Ontario.

 

First off, you can consult with a lawyer free of charge. Heck, you can consult with several all free of charge! Your wife cannot hire any lawyer that you have had a consult with. My suggestion? Find out who the worst pitbull lawyers are in your area and book a consult right away - don't put it off. You don't have to hire them if you don't want to, but you won't have them trying to take a bite out of your butt later. Yes, lawyers are expensive, but you need one to protect yourself and your kids.

 

Also, most lawyers will let you pay in installments so that can take some financial pressure off. If at all possible, try to keep things reasonable and calm so you can stay out of court because duking it out in court REALLY gets expensive.

 

A 50/50 custody arrangement will certainly affect how much you pay. As I recall, she does not have to claim child support as income (and you cannot claim it as an expense at income tax time), but she will have to claim spousal support on her taxes and you can use it as a deduction. Fortunately, my ex felt guilty about her affair and never went after spousal support.

 

In short, PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR GIRLS FIRST. Don't go out of your way to make things difficult for your wife, but remember, she wanted to be on her own, so let her work things out for herself.

 

My ex was a financial nightmare and I certainly had money issues to clean up.

 

Just take it slow and chip away at the debts, you can do it. It took me a couple of years to clean everything up. While I still have some debt, it's "controlled debt" not uncontrolled debt... there's a difference.

 

Yikes.

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I know lawyers are extremly expensive.. and I think the lawyer I have at the moment is probably the biggest a** but he's good at what he does..

given all the details I've given him already he says we should just go to court.. cause these little letters between us (the lawyers) isn't getting us anywhere.. that's why he suggests going to court now.. and start the divorce steps now.. enough with the BS.. and move on (that's his attitude)

 

it's very hard not to make it "not difficult" for her if I do decide to follow his advise.. she's going to be extremly pissed.. and god knows what else she's got up her sleeve.. and what type of other BS she willing to do to me..

 

I'm leaning more on what my current lawyer is saying.. but it's not only going to be difficult for her(my wife) (which yes she deserves) but for me and the girls too..

 

I'm just scared in losing everything.. including my girls.. that's why I do want 50/50 time with them.. but I want the main home to be with me.. and I know that will cause some chaos with my wife..

 

this is what I want my lawyer to tell her lawyer:

 

-primary resisdence is with me.

-shares custody - alternate weeks

(not sure if you can have this if they have their primare res with me? I still want the girls to see/be with their mother.. and be involved in the decision making regarding them)

- she pays for %50 of the debts (since I've been paying %100 of them since she left.. excluding her own things.. cell, retail card.. CC)

- no spousal support (or some for a little while.. unless she re-marries.. she left me (twice) she doesn't deserve a dime)

- some child support

- divorce

- seperation of assets (not sure at all how this works)

 

maybe I'm being a little too demanding.. I hate this :(

 

-JG

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-primary resisdence is with me.

-shares custody - alternate weeks

(not sure if you can have this if they have their primare res with me? I still want the girls to see/be with their mother.. and be involved in the decision making regarding them)

- she pays for %50 of the debts (since I've been paying %100 of them since she left.. excluding her own things.. cell, retail card.. CC)

- no spousal support (or some for a little while.. unless she re-marries.. she left me (twice) she doesn't deserve a dime)

- some child support

- divorce

- seperation of assets (not sure at all how this works)

 

maybe I'm being a little too demanding.. I hate this :(

 

-JG

 

Thanks Yikes for showing up!!! :love:

 

You're actually in the catbird set JG and you just don't know it.

 

If SHE wants the divorce and she's in a hurry you can set about negotiating to get what you want.

 

You definitely are not responsible at this point for paying her cell phone bill. Are you freaking kidding me?? Ask your attorney about this pronto.

 

If you have primary residence then she shouldn't be getting child support- you should.

 

Start right now and document everything- what is said, what times you have the girls- when she calls and asks for you to keep them, the works. You don't have to paint her as the bad guy but do keep notes to protect yourself.

 

I'd haggle for no spousal support definitely. No way would I pay that.

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I should have mentioned, that in Canada, if your wife wants spousal support - she gets spousal support. (provided that based on your respective incomes, she qualifies)

 

The law does not care if SHE is the one who left. The law does not care if she was the one who was unfaithful and dishonest. If she wants spousal support and is entitled to it, she gets it - end of story. The idea is, it helps keep the courts from being tied up with a whole lot of unnecessary bickering and fighting.

 

Yikes

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In my case:

 

We sold the family home, paid off all debts and split what was left 50/50. We divided up the material items with minimal disagreements. Generally speaking, it's all just "stuff" anyway, and stuff can be replaced. We each then bought our own homes and our two kids went back and forth one week with each parent.

 

My ex-wife walked away with half of my pension and RRSP savings. That really hurt, but I had no choice in the matter so I kept my yap shut and smiled.

 

As a good female friend of mine said: "suck-it-up princess".

 

We set things up so neither parent has any more say than the other.

 

My son has since decided to live with me full-time (He's 16 now) and my daughter is still with me every other week.

 

My lawyer is a pretty decent guy. He believes in compromise, cool heads and staying out of court if at all possible. He has given me good advice.

 

Be very careful because some lawyers LOVE to stir the pot. The more that you and your wife fight, the more money he stands to make. Who knows, maybe he has his eye on a new boat! ;-)

 

Be cool.

Yikes

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JG, don't know how it works in Canada but she should be responsible for half the debts from the marriage, not from the time you separated. My X and I are doing 50/50 and its working very well, although we don't have child support because of it, nor do we do spousal support, but then again, its cuz I'm nice.:laugh:

 

You're feeling guilty about puting too much financial burden on her and that needs to stop NOW. And you don't need to file right this second...hang the lawyer. He works for you, remember? Not the other way around. Take your time, read up and do the research on the net, and then file. If you do it too soon and you're not ready, I think you'll be getting the shaft on a lot of things you didn't think about until its too late.

 

As far as waiting to see if she'll wake up--she might...or she might not. It may take weeks, months, years before you'll see a difference, if you ever even do. Sounds like she may be going thru MLC, or some version thereof, which we affectionately call Flakey Broad Syndrome. check out the malemidlifecrisis(dot)com site--it may help you understand a little better, maybe give a little more insite into her line of thinking right now.

 

As far as where she's living, you don't have to like it or approve. Unless its ripe with rats running around, feces on the floor and a possible danger to your kids, where and how she chooses to live is not your concern.

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You definitely are not responsible at this point for paying her cell phone bill. Are you freaking kidding me?? Ask your attorney about this pronto.

Start right now and document everything- what is said, what times you have the girls- when she calls and asks for you to keep them, the works. You don't have to paint her as the bad guy but do keep notes to protect yourself.

 

I'd haggle for no spousal support definitely. No way would I pay that.

 

oh no.. I don't pay her cell phone bill.. like I said.. that's excluded :)

she even pays me her portion of the car insurance for the van she's kept in her position.. and I kept the car.. (we agreed on that a long time ago verbally & with lawyers since they were/are worth about the same)

 

yeah.. I've been bad/neglectful in keeping notes on all her actions.. and mine.. I guess it's part of the "I can't believe this is happening" mindset I'm in.. (and slowly getting out of)

 

the bigest thing (and hardest) is to find a good lawyer.. I've asked a ton of people.. and nobody can refer me to anybody.. (maybe they don't exist around here?)

 

I don't feel guilty at all about the financial burden I would be putting on her.. I'm more concerned about my own :)

 

they've only asked for what the current worth of my pension is at this time.. (been working where I am now for almost 5 years now)

 

the place she lives with the girls isn't a dump.. perhaps in my previous comments I made is sound worse than it actually was.. it's just not the girls home.. and shouldn't be forced to live in such a place.. they have a home.. that's where they belong..

 

either way you look at it.. I'm going to lose something(s) at the end.. and I know that will happen..

 

perhaps 1 day she will "snap" out of it (whatever it is).. but I guess I can't wait forever.. and let it silently kill/destroy me inside..

 

it did relief me somewhat when she finally did tell me it was over the other day.. after months of "I don't know" replies to every question I would ask her.. about anything.. She never knew the answer to anything.. (I'd ask myself in my head.. then who the f*ck does know?)

 

ah the joys of life..

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Dang, I'm glad Yikes piped in. I just cannot believe they give spousal support no matter what. That sucks on so many different levels.

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