Why can't I get over him?

[Guest]

I dated a guy for a year and I was madly in love with him. He was perfect for me, except that he never loved me back. He said that we were falling in love, but though it happened for me... "on the verge" was as close as he ever got. (I was his first gf after his divorce - call me "Ms Transitional Person")

 

We were cruising along, but I knew his heart wasn't in it. I figured one day I'd have to just end it (had a huge plan including the song "I can't make you love me" by Bonnie Raitt), but I found out he made a date to see someone else while we were still together and everything blew up. He said he hadn't planned to break up with me - didn't WANT to break up with me - but I'm old enough (39 at the time) to not be that stupid.

 

So... 3 months later he says he wants to see me. We met for dinner and he told me he was having second thoughts. That he missed me. Like an idiot, I got my hopes up. Nothing further happened. Another 2 months go by, and he said he wanted to see me - to talk. I was in another relationship and had come to terms with losing him by then. Until he said that when he returned to town (he was on a 2-yr stint out of town) he wanted me to be available. I said I couldn't just wait around, and asked if he would see me when he could. He said yes. I asked if he would see ONLY me. He said yes. So, I got my hopes up again.

 

He wasn't acting like I thought he would for the first couple of weeks, so I asked him what was going on. He didn't REMEMBER saying those things to me. We had a 2-hour conversation which ended with him saying he'd email the next day.

 

Flash forward 2 months - he never emailed or called. I emailed him a quick question about something and he invited me on a picnic with him and his kids. WHAT?! I was pissed. I went off on him for being so casual about it, and asked him what happened with the email I was supposed to have gotten two months previous. He never answered.

 

Now it's 3 months later. I still can't get him out of my head. I've been in love with another in the meantime (we're no longer together), but I think about this guy every single day. I wonder about him. I wonder whether there's still a chance for us.

 

Typing all of this out, I know how stupid it sounds. I know that everyone would tell me to get over it - and I know I should. My question is: why can't I get over him? He wasn't perfect. He didn't love me. He has treated me like caca. And all I know is that if he called me today and said "I was an idiot, I want to start over", I'd probably do it.

 

I'm attractive enough, successful, fun, and have no shortage of people that I can date. WHY can't I get over him? Is there some unbalance in my mental health that I should get checked out? What can I do to put him firmly in the past and get on with my life? I've been doing no-contact. It hasn't worked. Any advice is welcome (including: see a shrink )

[magichands]

I'm attractive enough, successful, fun, and have no shortage of people that I can date. WHY can't I get over him?

 

Because it's hard to let go. You refuse to let go of that last glimmer of hope.

 

I've been doing no-contact. It hasn't worked.

 

Well... it takes time. Try to keep yourself occupied with something worthwhile. With every moment that you aren't thinking about him, the memory will fade.

[spinnelli]

your ego is bruised, I think that's why it's hard for you to let go. When you come across people who weren't particularly good to you but you still find yourself clinging to them, it's your ego and your self esteem that is messing with you. You somehow are upset that you couldn't get them to love you, it's like being picked last or not at all at gym class, even though you are good at the game.

 

What you have to realize is that you don't have to prove anything to anyone, least of all that person. You want to prove to them that you are good enough, and it bugs you that they don't see you in a great light. This is something you have no control over though, making someone love you is one thing in this world you absolutely cannot control, it's a fact of life, so stop trying and driving yourself nuts. It's virtually impossible.

[Guest]

That is the best advice I've had in the last year. Thank you, and I'll take it to heart - using your analogy as a mantra: I'm good at this game. I don't deserve to be picked last or not at all!

 

I'm confident that it will work - especially once i find someone new who agrees.

 

Seriously... I appreciate your comments. You're right on target.

[riobikini]

Guest,

Here's something that may help you....it's an excerpted, annoymously disguised script of correspondence I received having to do with not letting go....pay careful attention to the futile and damaging attempts in holding onto someone from your past who offers you nothing worthwhile:

 

Support Seeker:

 

Re: Appreciated your words

 

"...Its very obvious he is doing nothing constructive to work on restoration of his marriage. That's no longer my problem.

 

My problem is that after over 90 days away from this man and along with moving 335 miles away in two days, I'm still devastated. I feel so hopeless about finding another man to love and be loved in return. He filled such an empty place in my heart...I know I'm worth more but am afraid I'll never have more"

 

"..waiting.... I don't want myself or my daughter to live like that so I believe my decision to move is a sound one. It feels like I'm leaving my heart here though. Shouldn't I be past this by now? I made him and a future with him my "everything"..."

 

"Very foolish, but I did it. I want to believe there is not only life after this, but happiness. I'm having such a hard time hoping in the future and find myself longing for the past. "

 

"Friends tell me not to give him so much power. I try not to but I don't know how to convince myself that I don't want him.."

 

 

My Response:

(Her name) you seem to be determinedly, stubbornly, and *deliberately* holding onto the past. And it's a past that -on one hand- you say you can see clearly is not worthwhile, -and on the other, you are desperately seeking a means to gain a kind of 'approval' for clinging to it.

 

When we choose to focus on what we *want* (that's bad for us), instead of what we *need* (that's good for us) we defeat any attempt to move through the problem to reach a reasonable and healthy outcome.

 

It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, like saying, "I just *know* I won't like the party" but going, anyway -only to wind up being miserable.

 

Just like you imagined.

 

Likewise, saying (i.e. *thinking*) that you will never be happy without him, or that you will never find happiness with anyone else is pre-planning your outcome with an expected negative result.

 

You *do*, indeed, have control over how you think and feel.

 

And there is no question that, unless there is mental illness present or a need for professional help for other problems, -that you *can* move on and have just as good a chance for future happiness as anyone else.

 

If you are experiencing mild depression with the situation, I suggest you seek the help of a mental health professional.

 

As for the time chart (the 90 days free-and-clear suggestion) I believe that focusing on the time apart only emphasizes the fresh void.

 

Time is a natural 'healer' -but only if we're doing our part in *allowing* it.

 

Currently, you are only focusing on your loss, how awful it makes you feel, and your feeling of not being fulfilled with a life of happiness with this ex boyfriend.

 

It is clear that you have not let go of *wanting* the relationship to work despite the serious problems with it.

 

Until you truly *deal* with the facts, totally accept them, and release your beautifully woven dreams of happiness with this man, you will most likely retain an open wound, and attachment to him based on 'what-could-have-been' and not 'what is'.

 

That's the call you have to make. Meanwhile your daughter is seeing a very unhappy -perhaps miserable woman- each day until you get it in gear and decide to change the future for the better, for both of you.

 

Hope this helps to open your eyes, give you strength, and encourage some positive measures on your behalf.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

 

 

Support Seeker:

"You know, you're right. I'm hanging on. It sickens me to read the play back of how I sound but I know I need to hear it.

 

I am joining a co-dependents anonymous group as soon as I move (Saturday) because I realize I have huge issues with rescuing and saving men and somehow making that what determines my worth. I'm in counseling as well and will continue that when I move.

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond. Your words have not fallen on deaf ears."

 

 

Hope the above helps someone.

 

-Rio

[nancita]

Call me crazy, but just putting my big huge post out there for everyone to see - coming clean with all of my sad little hopes that we could somehow work it out - really seems to have helped. Of course, this could be a temporary upswing in my path to getting over him, but I'm feeling pretty good right now.

 

ALSO, just this past Monday I received an email from him out of the blue (4 months since I asked what happened and got no response - and a year since we broke up). He told me what a great girlfriend I was and assured me that I hadn't done anything wrong - it was just bad timing for him. I swear it's almost like he read my post...

 

Anyway, I had a couple of days where I thought maybe he was reaching out to me to see whether there was any spark left there, but I'm over it now. He was clearing his conscience or something, I guess. It was a nice thing to read, though.

 

Rio: your post is great. I can totally recognize that I've been doing the exact things you're talking about. It's great food for thought and applies to so many areas of my life besides just my love life: Career, family, etc. I hope other people read it and learn from it, too.

[riobikini]

re:

 

Nancita: " Rio: your post is great. I can totally recognize that I've been doing the exact things you're talking about. It's great food for thought and applies to so many areas of my life besides just my love life: Career, family, etc. I hope other people read it and learn from it, too."

 

Nancita, you are welcome. (Smile)

 

And I had the same hope as you, in regards to it helping you as well as others, when I posted it.

 

As for you...*hold onto* your good common sense....you'll likely hold onto your sanity in doing so....as well as saving your heart for the one intended for you, someday.

 

Take Care.

 

-Rio