Maestro Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 Hi LS'ers, I need some advise. Please help? History: My ex broke it off with me last spring because I was being a "machista." I didn't act like that because I didn't care, rather she fell in love so fast it scared me and that was the only way I knew how to deal with it. I wasn't like that in the beginning either. Even though I was behaving that way, I began to love her and I suppose I always did. In the beginning of the relationship I was actually affectionate, charming, etc., etc. Which is why I suppose I landed her in the first palce. Needless to say, as the relationship progressed, the emotional damage I did was too much for her to forget. Present: We have periodically been in touch over the telephone. It's clearly obvious that she still has strong feelings for me but resents me at the same time. She will bring up past issues, I'll feel horrible and tell her I how bad I feel about my past behavior,how sorry I am and how much I love her. Then, she'll get angry, tells me not to bring it up anymore and that she doesn't want to talk about it. WTF? Why would she bring it up in the first place? Anyways, we're going out for dinner and cocktails tonight. How should I handle this? I really love her. I don't want to be that macho guy nor the pathetic one. If I throw on the charm and be myself, I get a little affection but I sense her emotional fear. Please help, what should I do ? ______________________________________________________________ Heav'n has no rage like love to hatred turn'd Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd. --William Congreve Link to post Share on other sites
cezanne Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 This could be about timing ...if she not able to get past her resentments just yet she just won't be able to help herself bring them up every time ye have the slightest disagreement ... eventually this will wear you both down. If she really does want to be you - you will have to kinda shock her into realising she is missing a chance to move forward by harping back and back to the past ... so I think be yourself tonight and be the charming person she fell in love with .. you must remind her of that person ... and if she starts on about how you hurt her ..you must very firmly tell her that while you realise she is the one for you and you are absolutely mad about her you also realise that there is nothing you can do to change the past and if she cannot get over it then hard as it will be for you ... there is no point meeting again. This will snap her out of it . On the other hand I had a similiar situation myself on the other side when my man really had done something bad - Because he wouldn't talk it through with me ad nauseum I kept bringing it up and up for about 2 years !!!!!! ..all I wanted was him to talk and talk and talk about it .. and if he had it would have been over much quicker. You know your own situation best .. so ask yourself does she need to get it all off her chest at great length .. does she have a need to tell you what a terrible terrible person you are .. if she needs that then just take it and agree that you awful person ... but then that must be it .. if you do that and that is not the end of the resentment then it must be a personality trait and you will never be in a win situation ... Let us know how you got on ... Link to post Share on other sites
Tender Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 Just be honest - print a copy of you post - and ask her over cocktails what her opinion would be. You could really be surprised. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 Hi LS'ers, Present: We have periodically been in touch over the telephone. It's clearly obvious that she still has strong feelings for me but resents me at the same time. She will bring up past issues, I'll feel horrible and tell her I how bad I feel about my past behavior,how sorry I am and how much I love her. Then, she'll get angry, tells me not to bring it up anymore and that she doesn't want to talk about it. WTF? Why would she bring it up in the first place? What has changed about you? If she brings up the past, let her say everything she wants to say and then 'validate' her feelings. Don't tell her she is wrong, just let her get it off her chest. Then say "You're right to be angry and I am sorry I treated you that way. Since we've been apart I've had a lot of time to do some soul searching and I believe that I have made a lot of positive strides to correct my past behavior." Whatever you do, don't argue with her. Let her get everything off her chest. Don't respond right away. Soak it in. Also, don't beg, plead or otherwise cling to her. Let her know you've changed by your actions, not just your words. Talk about the things you've done to help you realize how you behaved (don't just say I've been lonely and that's why I need you). Never tell her you need her. Tell her you missed her and that you want her in your life but remember when you say it to not come off needy/clingy. Anyways, we're going out for dinner and cocktails tonight. How should I handle this? I really love her. I don't want to be that macho guy nor the pathetic one. If I throw on the charm and be myself, I get a little affection but I sense her emotional fear. Please help, what should I do ? I think the advice I gave you above should be a good start. Don't come off needy. Don't tell her you can't go on without her. Tell her you missed her and you want her in your life. That you're sorry things ended the way they did and that you've done a lot of soul searching and have taken steps to correct your behavior. Do tell her you love her if it feels right. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maestro Posted February 1, 2006 Author Share Posted February 1, 2006 Thanks for the replies! I'm really affraid this is going to backfire though. If I turn on the charm and tell her these things, she's gonna think I'm a player and just trying to get in her pants. How F'd up is that? Im in a lose-lose situation.............. Hopefully the wine will loosen her up. (emotionally speaking) _______________________________________________________________ Heav'n has no rage like love to hatred turn'd Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd. --William Congreve Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 Thanks for the replies! I'm really affraid this is going to backfire though. If I turn on the charm and tell her these things, she's gonna think I'm a player and just trying to get in her pants. How F'd up is that? Im in a lose-lose situation.............. Hopefully the wine will loosen her up. (emotionally speaking) If you go in with that attitude, you are sure to lose. Go with a positive outlook. Think positive and you will feel positive. Go in with the mindset you are defeated and you will be. Just be yourself. That's the guy she fell in love with. Just be mindful of the mistakes you made in the past and what you have learned since you've been away from her. She's oviously interested so keep that in mind. Just be confident in who you are, that you've learned a lot and that you will listen and hear what she has to say without interrupting her or discounting her feelings. It's important for her to be heard and validated. Don't ever forget that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Maestro Posted February 1, 2006 Author Share Posted February 1, 2006 I know it's all about attitude. I have also done all the things you've suggested. She want's to hate me but can't b'cuz she loves me too much. I have a feeling that she just wants to wipe the slate clean and start over but she still hurts inside. I just wish I could ease her pain. __________________________________________________ _____________ Heav'n has no rage like love to hatred turn'd Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd. --William Congreve Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 I know it's all about attitude. I have also done all the things you've suggested. She want's to hate me but can't b'cuz she loves me too much. I have a feeling that she just wants to wipe the slate clean and start over but she still hurts inside. I just wish I could ease her pain. You can. Just listen to her. Let her vent. Validate her feelings. Let her know you love her deeply and you want things to work out. You'll be fine. Just by letting her vent you'll be easing her pain. Whatever she says just don't argue. Let her cry, let her get angry. She needs to get these things off her chest. You'll be fine man. I promise. Link to post Share on other sites
cezanne Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 I agree .. and repeat let her get it all off her chest as many times as she needs but you really do need to work out if this will be a pattern and if this is a personality trait of whether this is a hurt so bad she finding it hard to overcome. What on earth did you do to her? Link to post Share on other sites
pippen_2k Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 lol Why on Earth are you 2 going out to dinner for? Link to post Share on other sites
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