I think I made a mistake reuniting with my husband

[Cayt]

My H and I have been married 33 years. We basically stayed that way because of the kids. Now that they are grown I felt the need more than anything to find someone I really love. H never knew how to love me and I have never really loved him. No emotional attachment to each other. I thought I did that and fell in love again with my first love, that I had when I was just 16. I have posted that story already. I truly believe that I loved this mm. The way I felt with him was a feeling I have never experienced before. I always doubted that I would ever feel love like that. Anyway, after that terrible ending, I told my H about it, and we were going to divorce because it was what I wanted. We had been separated a few weeks. I was looking forward to finally being on my own and maybe someday finding someone again. Then all of a sudden H started to be an emotional wreak. I had never seen him like this before. My heart ached for him as a person. I was sorry I cheated on him, but at the same time I was still in love with MM. It was like he was leading me by the hand. Holding on to me literally and telling me he loved me and wanted a second chance. He took me to pick out a ring. I had lost my wedding rings years before and all the hints of buying me a new one didn't seem to matter to him at all. I picked out a ring! What was really strange is that I went along with it. I kept telling myself that I didn't want to be with him anymore. But I let myself be led by the hand. I feel so bad. I don't love him. He is smothering me so much I don't know what to do. I am still numb about the ending of my affair with the MM. I loved MM so deeply I know it's going to take time to get over this, if I will at all. But in the meantime I don't know what to do about this situation. I don't love my H romantically and wonder if I should settle and stay with this marriage or go along with my original plan of being single and looking for someone that I will love. Any advice from someone that have had the same situation or something close to mine would be appreciated.

[Aureus]

I guess what you should ask yourself is are you and/or your husband willing to save this marriage? People can fall in love again but it takes a lot of work. I know I posted this link somewhere else on LS and the Moderators didn't delete it so I'm going to risk it by posting it again. Click on this following link:

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

 

On the left hand side of the screen you will see a menu titled "Basic Concepts". Have a read, it should be helpful with your situation.

[Larrry]

Cayt,

I feel for both you and your husband. I really do. Reading through your post, it could have almost been written by my ex-wife two years ago. You are more confused than you realize. No man stays married for 33 years and doesn't have an emotional attachment. You didn't stay married that long without one either. Be honest with yourself!

You say you are in love with a married man and you never thought it could be like this. It's called infatuation. It's the newness, the sneakiness, the planning, and anticipation, and the thrill of it all. It's a fantasy come to life and like all fantasies, reality will get in the way, as it has for you.

When a woman gets involved in an affair as you have, she must shut down her feelings for her H, focus on the bad points, dwell on the past disappointments, and turn a blind eye to her H's good qualities. You are still in that mindset toward your H. Also, you've accumulated a lot of guilt from the affair and it weighs very heavy on you. And every time you are around H, it makes you feel guilty. And now that you've told him about the affair, thinking that it would make you feel less guilty, you have totally devastated him, and now you feel even guiltier. Right now all you want to do is get away from feeling guilty. You want to flee from the man that reminds you of your guilt and it's easier for you to continue to dwell on H's inadequacies and forget about his positive qualities. It's easier for you to remain in the mindset toward your husband because it makes the affair more justifiable. It makes it easier for you to believe that there is something better out there. That the perfect man is out there waiting for you. He isn't. There are a lot of players out there and if you are over 45, no matter how much you've got going on, there are so many more single women than men out there, there is a lot of competition for those few decent guys who don't cheat, don't drink to excess, and have good careers. And those guys are less likely to walk down the aisle with a woman whose been unfaithful in her marriage than one who hasn’t.

Your H is emotionally devastated. I know I've been there. You say he didn't know how to love you. Well I'm sure he loves you more than you can possibly comprehend. But it's difficult for a woman to see that when she's shut him down and it's hard for a man to get through to a woman when she begins withdrawing from the relationship.

Please recognize that because of the affair, your husband's devastation, and your guilt, you are not in a good emotional state to make judgments on your husband and your marriage right now. The best thing for the two of you to do is get into therapy or couples counseling right away. It will help you get over the affair and learn to deal with the guilt. It will help him get beyond the devastation. It will help both of you to see more clearly and make better decisions. Where that leads to, no one can possibly predict. But the decisions you make now, you, your husband, your children, and your grandchildren will affect them for the rest of their lives.

So for everyone’s sake, especially yours, make sure you decide wisely. Please consider counseling.

[gfto]

With all due respect, I don't think there's any counseling in the world that can save this. The most significant thing you said is that you were never really in love with him, and you have no romantic interest in him now. That's the ballgame. Your interest level in your husband is extremely low. A counselor cannot raise a woman's raw romantic feelings towards a man. Sure, a counselor can talk you through various issues, but those issues are really just the symptoms of your low romantic interest in him. Don't misunderstand, I'm not in favor of divorce, but I am in favor of being happy. You sound extremely unhappy.