Sailynn Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 I've been out with my ex-GF a few times, tennis, hikes and a sandwich. During dinner, I spoke of some things I thought I could have done better. Her reaction was to start tearing up and to tell me that I was a remarkable man and very brave to speak my mind. We even had a tender moment and left the restaurant arm in arm. A few days later, we attended a movie and I asked some more about her reaction. She did not want to answer my question at that time. So later, after the movie, I asked her again and again she did not want to answer saying she was tired. We've spoken a few times last week and she said she wanted to meet tonight to talk. It seems that this will be some sort of big talk. Meanwhile, I've been trying to give her space, but it's driving me crazy. I have no idea what she wants to tell me - it's over or let's get it going again. I don't know. She really has a problem opening up and trusting. I have decided that if she doesn't talk, I'm going to stand up for myself. I'll say, "I've been nice to you and I want to be friendly, yet, I haven't received an answer from you. I can see through your facade and I Know you want to be appreciated and heard, but I don't know why you can't trust me and simply converse with me. I don't know why you put off talking for days on end. This just doesn't work for me." Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 Unless you give her real, actual space - in that you do not discuss your relationship in any way, shape or form and cut down on your activities with her anything you do by way of getting a 'straight answer' is going to backfire badly. Instead of this: "I've been nice to you and I want to be friendly, yet, I haven't received an answer from you. I can see through your facade and I Know you want to be appreciated and heard, but I don't know why you can't trust me and simply converse with me. I don't know why you put off talking for days on end. This just doesn't work for me." You may want to try this: "I have enjoyed spending time with you, but I can see that you aren't ready to really talk about this and need some space. I think it would be better if we took some time off from each other to think about things. I will let you contact me when you are ready. Until you are ready to talk though, this 'not knowing' thing we have going isn't working for me, and I will need for you to give me my space as well. I'm not trying to be mean or push you away, but it would best if we didn't contact each other at all until you are ready to talk about this." Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 We've spoken a few times last week and she said she wanted to meet tonight to talk. It seems that this will be some sort of big talk. Meanwhile, I've been trying to give her space, but it's driving me crazy. I have no idea what she wants to tell me Most likely she is going to tell you one of two things...neither is good for you: 1) She's dating someone else 2) She's not dating someone else but you two will just be "friends"... Don't be friends with her and don't be nice to her. The reasons she's an ex-g/f is probably cause you were too nice, at least that is what it sounds like to me. good luck alpha Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sailynn Posted September 12, 2005 Author Share Posted September 12, 2005 I appreciate your input and I am so thankful for this site to come to and express my words. Lucrezia: I like your proclamation. Sometimes, I'd just love to say, get lost, but I'd rather express myself in more respectful ways. Being respectful does more to maintain my well being than theirs, however, the effect is one that most people cannot forget. Alpha: You're right, in that the answer lies somewhere between the spectrum of, I have someone else or I love you and want you. I think I'd place it somewhere in the middle. She will probably want to be superficial friends. She really may have a hard time opening up, as REAL friends do. Anyway, I just called her and the date is confirmed for the night. She was rather short and business like. Man, she plays her hand close to the chest. Wish me luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Rocko Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 She will probably want to be superficial friends. real men don't stay "friends" with a ex-lover...never settle for the consolation prize. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sailynn Posted September 12, 2005 Author Share Posted September 12, 2005 You know, that had been my mantra in dealing with her. I would tell her, "I was ready to commit to you, be together and love you. I'm only interested in working on a commited relationship and nothing else." I relented recently, yet I think I need to go back to my original position. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 I relented recently, yet I think I need to go back to my original position. You only have one chance to get her back SAILYNN....and that is to institute total and unadulterated NC for a number of months and then let her contact you. She needs to get a good chance to miss you and think about your relationship and then she needs to make a free choice to come back to you. Anything less and you will be doomed. Now...she may decide not to contact you after 3 or 4 months of NC but then you'll know it was not meant to be. good luck alpha Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 You only have one chance to get her back SAILYNN....and that is to institute total and unadulterated NC for a number of months and then let her contact you. She needs to get a good chance to miss you and think about your relationship and then she needs to make a free choice to come back to you. Anything less and you will be doomed. Now...she may decide not to contact you after 3 or 4 months of NC but then you'll know it was not meant to be. good luck alpha Perfect Advice Alpha.. Sailynn, She needs a good dose of NC and so do you.. It will help you heal as well Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 Perfect Advice Alpha.. Thanks A_C....and SAILYNN, I forgot to mention that during the NC period you should be working on yourself, trying to date other women and keeping yourself busy and happy. Be selfish for a while Link to post Share on other sites
Dean3922 Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 When they want to have "the talk" it is not a good thing. I would be prepared for a break-up on her part. Link to post Share on other sites
Rocko Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 When they want to have "the talk" it is not a good thing. I would be prepared for a break-up on her part. Can't happen twice in a row! Link to post Share on other sites
Dean3922 Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 Can't happen twice in a row! Sorry. I didn't realize that they were already exes. Link to post Share on other sites
dr strangelove Posted September 13, 2005 Share Posted September 13, 2005 You know what... Look dont do the NC thing you have already done that. I had one girl I was trying to be with, and we get close and she would be like "I dont want a relationship" ..however she phoned me or saw me almost every day. I did things to see where they would go like..giving her a hug, then the next time I just sais bye.. she wandered back to me asking what about a hug.. Finally one day when the passion was so great and I was touching her all over and had her spun around, she at the most passionate moment told me "I dont want a relationshop'... so I got tired of this I sat her down, in a chair across from me and I held her hand and it was dark little bit of light, this is important for mood. I told her everything I thought about her, and part of that was calling her my dream girl and by then end she was kneeling on the floor in front me holding my hand... epilogue.. we made out for 5-6 hours after that.. I only know it was like 5 0r 6 am when she left.. so ..uh try and take what u can from that..ok? Link to post Share on other sites
sundrop Posted September 13, 2005 Share Posted September 13, 2005 so ..uh try and take what u can from that..ok? Sorry Dr Strangelove, didn't follow that..... Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted September 13, 2005 Share Posted September 13, 2005 so ..uh try and take what u can from that..ok? I don't get it either.. I even read it twice.. So you are saying that by not having NC with this girl you got 5-6 hours of lip service and that is all ? Link to post Share on other sites
pippen_2k Posted September 13, 2005 Share Posted September 13, 2005 That post was whack! So its gotta be dark with a little light..important for mood.... Gotchya ROFLMAO Link to post Share on other sites
sundrop Posted September 13, 2005 Share Posted September 13, 2005 .. I even read it twice.. I had to read it a few times myself. But anywho.... I guess if I understood men, I wouldn't be here now would I? ....lol Link to post Share on other sites
sundrop Posted September 13, 2005 Share Posted September 13, 2005 That post was whack! So its gotta be dark with a little light..important for mood.... Gotchya ROFLMAO :lmao: I got a kick out of that too..... Link to post Share on other sites
dr strangelove Posted September 13, 2005 Share Posted September 13, 2005 My post was meant for sailynn to pick upo something from. No IO got way more then that I cracked through her shield. She became my girlfriend... What im saying is he should try to be a bit more romantic as suave.. sometimes u got to say what u feel then pull back... She wants to have a talk? the talk can depend on her mood.. Nc... right why not just move and dye your hair... what good did NC do me? I got my ex talking to me by doing something sweet, and cause i got wrapped up in the bs of "dont talk them unless they say "i want u back" ..sometimes it ..actually in the real wordl it doesnt work like that. Someone said to me lately that has a pretty long term relationship, told that every time she .. ah nevermind.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sailynn Posted September 13, 2005 Author Share Posted September 13, 2005 You only have one chance to get her back SAILYNN....and that is to institute total and unadulterated NC for a number of months and then let her contact you. She needs to get a good chance to miss you and think about your relationship and then she needs to make a free choice to come back to you. Anything less and you will be doomed. alpha Actually, for the past 15 months, I've instituted absolute NC. I've dated other women, made new friends, worked on myself, participated in triathalons, worked out, learned to dance better, bought new clothes, etc. She contacted me, so I believe it's sincere. Now, we've had our talk and I have to tell you, it was wonderful. We got everything out on the table. We talked about behaviors, what was good in the relationship, what we missed, what we liked, what we've done, what was bad and where we now stood. We ended the evening holding hands, strolling down the street window shopping. Before we knew it, we had spent almost five hours together, talking, opening up, smiling, laughing and just enjoying being there with each other. I think it was great and I felt wonderful. I must remain true to my principles that I am a man ready for a serious relationship and anything less is a waste of my time and emotions. For now, friendship is not bad. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 13, 2005 Share Posted September 13, 2005 For now, friendship is not bad. Yes it is...and its not working because it sounds like you two had fun but she still does not want you back. I did not read anything about you two getting back together. Link to post Share on other sites
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