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Should I send her anything for her b-day?


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My story is this: GF is 19, she's been with me for 4 years (you can do the math) and about a month and a half ago, she decided she doesn't want any type of relationship right now in her life. I know she's not looking for anyone serious or the ONE. She just wants to be on her own and have some fun. And even more, I think the reason might be since I've been her only bf, she's probably scared of committing to me for so long and wants to see the other side of the fence for a change.

 

So I've been doing NC for about a month now but I don't know if I should break it to send her an email or b-day card ina week or so. I've read alot about these situations and everyone preaches about NC being the only way to know if she still really loves you. So many people saying that the only way you will get her back is if you make her miss you. I love this girl alot and I have some feeling that she'll go out and find that the grass isn't greener ont he other side and will someday realize how good we had it. But I don't know if breaking NC is gonna make me seem like I'm clingy or sticking around.

 

I want to keep my space but I don't want to lose her forever. Any suggestions from people in similar situations?

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Originally posted by eddpad

I've read alot about these situations and everyone preaches about NC being the only way to know if she still really loves you. So many people saying that the only way you will get her back is if you make her miss you. ?

 

but what if you're both doing "no contact"? and then you're both waiting for the other to crack first, but neither does because you're practicing no contact? what a mess then, huh?

 

i think if you feel you should contact her for birthday, then fine. it's a nice thing to do, in some cases. just don't do it with any expectations because it probably won't be this romantic reconciliation that you might be hoping for.

 

good luck.

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Don't do it!

 

If she cared about you that much, she'd still be here. Why is a birthday importnant in the big scheme of things? It's not. And she'll ignore yours too.

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Originally posted by tiki

Don't do it!

 

If she cared about you that much, she'd still be here. Why is a birthday importnant in the big scheme of things? It's not. And she'll ignore yours too.

 

 

i do agree witht this also.

 

if she wants you to be a part of her birthday, she will make you a part of it.

 

if she's not contacting you, it's because she really doesn't want to, or she would have by now. it's extremely difficult to keep yourself from finding a reason to contact someone--as you can personally see.

 

it's not difficult for her, but it is for you. that should tell you something.

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Well, if she IS doing NC she's only doing it because she wants to go through with this. Again, I'm assuming she wants to see what else is out there, she's also very young. I'm doing NC because I want her to miss me and I don't want to seem like somebody who's gonna stick around and succumb to her all the time.

 

I'm not expecting anything from the contact. I'm not expecting her to come back because of it. I'm just scared it's gonna have a adverse effect. For example, if I do send somethine maybe she'll see it as, "Oh, looks like he hasn't forgotten about me, that's good, he's still somewhere in the picture." If I don't send anything and just leave her be for the next 3 months or I can maybe get her to miss me and really see what it's like to have me and have lost me.

 

I know that if I were in her shoes and she stopped calling me for 3 -4 months I'd probably panick because I'd think I let something good get away, but that's just me.

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A Fly onThe Wall

She is an EX ..

 

NO !!!

 

She will not send you a card for yours ..

 

When 2 people breakup they don't say " Hey I hate you let's break up and never talk to one another except for B-day's and holidays "

 

Don't do it .. Save your self respect

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I love this girl alot and I have some feeling that she'll go out and find that the grass isn't greener ont he other side and will someday realize how good we had it. But I don't know if breaking NC is gonna make me seem like I'm clingy or sticking around.

NC is only good if you're trying to forget someone. Otherwise it's just a misconception. I think it's a good idea that you continue to give her space and let her grow. And you should definitely be taking this time to do a little growing yourself. But when it comes to b-days and people you love, I think it's senseless to pretend that you don't care. If you really love her, get her an appropriate present, but don't expect it to change anything. Do it in a way that shows her that you respect her need to be alone right now, but that you still care for her want her to be happy. Do not put your needs on to her.

Giving her a b-day present or card will not make you seem clingy especially if you've been doing NC for the past month. If you actually want her back, ignoring her birthday would be a terrible mistake...not to mention immature. Don't be a baby and be needy and beg. Don't be a child and pretend not to love her. Be an adult and be honest and respectful.

Good luck.

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I think it's borderline rude. If I'm in NC and he sends me a present, then I have to respond. Grrrreeeeat.

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Originally posted by eddpad

I'm doing NC because I want her to miss me

 

I'm not expecting anything from the contact. I'm not expecting her to come back because of it. I'm just scared it's gonna have a adverse effect. For example, if I do send somethine maybe she'll see it as, "Oh, looks like he hasn't forgotten about me, that's good, he's still somewhere in the picture." If I don't send anything and just leave her be for the next 3 months or I can maybe get her to miss me and really see what it's like to have me and have lost me.

 

 

so you are expecting something, just not that she'll come back to you.

 

you also run the risk of her thinking "geez, this guy just can't let go--i must really be something special." and then she'll be smug and self-congratulating, and you still won't hear from her.

 

don't waste your time. move on, and find a nice girl. you know this girl is "very young" so you know she's probably doing what she should be doing at this age. let her do it, and give yourself the chance to be with someone who has grown up a little more and can offer you something worthwhile.

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What kind of card could you even send?

 

"To my used-to-be lady,"

 

"Happy Birthday to the one who's no longer interested,"

 

"Hope you miss me terribly as you turn 20,"

 

"Please open this hail-mary-pass card"

 

Even if you just get a generic card, the above-messages are what you are really sending. Not sure that's a very good idea for you. If you simply must buy her a card, put it away somewhere, and then if you ever get back together, give it to her and tell her you were thinking of her on that day, but didn't want to trample her wishes or put pressure on her.

 

My 2 cents.

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Originally posted by New_Wife

 

"To my used-to-be lady,"

 

"Happy Birthday to the one who's no longer interested,"

 

"Hope you miss me terribly as you turn 20,"

 

"Please open this hail-mary-pass card"

 

 

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

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I am in the same situation as you, my exs bday is on saturday...

I have decided im not going to acknowledge it. Yes it hurts me to not say happy bday to him but honestly its not worth it.

 

He obviously is not calling me trying to get me back so he could probably careless whether i wish him a happy bday or not. He is living his life, associating with who he wants to etc... I am no longer part of his thinking...

 

I want him to know im not thinking of him every minute and his bday hasnt crossed my mind. You should be thinking the same way about your ex.

 

If anything maybe this will give both of them a reality check but im not holding my breath either!

 

Im sure both of them will realize what they have lost in due time but im also hoping that i will no longer be around when that time comes.

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And what if you still want that person back? Are you giving up all chances if you dont wish them a happy bday?

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She has tried contacting me time and time again. It's been two weeks since she last called and before that she would also call me every now and then. Maybe once a week or maybe once every two weeks. The night she broke up with me she said "Look, I just need some time to myself, just wait." I aslo told her my fears that she was just trying letting me down soft and would eventually start going out with someone else. To which she said no to right away.

 

So it's not like she's avoiding me or not calling me period. She has called me on numerous occasions since the break and that's why I was asking if I should break NC to send her something.

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Thats really your call. Your situation is differnt then mine, my ex hasnt called me at all since we broke up, all i get is a random email from time to time.. last email i got was on july 7th asking how my vacation was... dont know why he even cares.

 

Then he proceeds to always tell me about his life, where he is moving, how busy he is etc...

Like i really care, i didnt ask him. I almost feel like he tells me this to make me think his life is so much better without me.

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If I don't send anything and just leave her be for the next 3 months or I can maybe get her to miss me and really see what it's like to have me and have lost me.
So you're trying to manipulate her, basically. Call a spade a spade. You're trying to get her to believe something that isn't true. That's dishonest and it's a far cry from love. Further, it's a terribly obvious tactic that works about 2% of the time. You're playing games and that's immature. If she has any intelligence at all she'll see straight through it. But don't worry. I don't think you really love her anyway. If you did, you wouldn't be trying to manipuate her through dishonesty.

ok - I'm being hard on you. To be totally honest, I went through the same type of thing. I had these impulses to play games, to make her miss me, to be dishonest in order to make her see what she'd given up. It's understandable. Going through a breakup after being together a long time causes a lot of emotional confusion. Trust me, this confusion you're feeling is a sign that you have a lot of growing to do yourself before you can really condsider getting back together or getting into another relationship. It's fine to contact her occasionally as long as you remain calm and respectful and pleasant. Don't try to play head games because nobody wins those.

I was with my gf for 5 years and then we broke up. We were apart for 7 months. Now we've been back together for 3 months and it's better than ever. Every game I tried to play backfired. Every attempt I made to confuse the truth backfired. Head games is not the way to go. Calm confident honesty is. The only way I got her back was by growing up and focussing on the real reasons why she left. If you love her, you'll show her by giving her what she needs. And right now she seems to need space.

At the very least, send her a card. Keep it simple and straight forward. Refrain from communicating any bitterness you have pent up. Be clear, pleasant, and honest. Anything less is immature.

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Wow, thanks alot Universe. You told me what I really needed to hear. I too thought all of this crap about doing this to make her think that was a bunch of bs anyway and I just wanted to see if anyone else saw through it. You are completely right my friend. I shouldn't be worrying about this or that. I'm being a decent guy by acknowledging her b-day after being with her for 4 years.

 

Thanks alot.

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And if you don't mind me asking Universe, why did she leave you? Was it uncertainty of what else was out there? Or was she unhappy with you as a person? Anything you can tell me about her motives for elaving you and how you roughed it out would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks.

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Originally posted by eddpad

She has tried contacting me time and time again. It's been two weeks since she last called and before that she would also call me every now and then. Maybe once a week or maybe once every two weeks. The night she broke up with me she said "Look, I just need some time to myself, just wait." I aslo told her my fears that she was just trying letting me down soft and would eventually start going out with someone else. To which she said no to right away.

 

So it's not like she's avoiding me or not calling me period. She has called me on numerous occasions since the break and that's why I was asking if I should break NC to send her something.

So basically, she said she needed something and you are basically saying, "You're needs mean nothing to me. If you can't be here with me right now, then you are nothing to me and not even worth a birthday card." Think about it. You're being really immature and you're giving her every reason to move on to someone else. She's obvsiously confused about some things and you're being totally insensitive. If you continue this way, she will certainly find someone who is truly sensitive to her needs and not so selfish. You say you want her to realize how good the two of you had it when you were together. NEWSFLASH! It wasn't good! If it had been good, she would not have felt the need to make a change. She's confused and isn't sure what that change should be. But you are making her decision on how to change much easier by proving that you're not capable of understanding her needs.

She's saying, "I need time to figure some things out."

To which you are responding, "I don't care."

To which she will definitely respond, "Ok - then I'll find someone who does."

And then she will.

 

Good luck.

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Originally posted by eddpad

And if you don't mind me asking Universe, why did she leave you? Was it uncertainty of what else was out there? Or was she unhappy with you as a person? Anything you can tell me about her motives for elaving you and how you roughed it out would be greatly appreciated.

 

Thanks.

There are many reasons for leaving someone. But ultimately people only leave when they are unhappy with you as a person. There are exceptions to this rule. But they're rare. I can't go into it now. I recommend you check out some of my previous posts here on LS. It's been a long journey to self-recovery and reconciliation with my ex. But the key is this, my friend. Empathy. You can have empathy without love. Be you can't have love without empathy. Understand what it is she needs from you as a lover and a friend. Then think about whether or not that agrees with who you are and with who you want to be. If it does, then become it. If it does not, then think about just being friends, not lovers.

Love is an action. Don't confuse it with admiration or adoration. Just because you admire or adore someone doesn't mean you love them. And you can't possibly love anyone until you love yourself. You have to take action to show yourself that you love yourself. And then you will know what it means to understand your needs. After you learn how to do that, you can try to understand someone elses needs and take action to satisfy them. Loving someone in this way is almost irresistable.

 

My guiding principle through all of this was: Trust your insticts, not your impulses.

An impulse is when you feel something without knowing it. And instinct is when you feel something and know it at the same time.

 

And, of course, stay positive!

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