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Second chance - am i being unreasonable with what i am asking for?


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

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Old 30th January 2018, 8:28 PM   #1
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Second chance - am i being unreasonable with what i am asking for?

i am new here, so glad i found this place...
i was with my fiance for 12 months when he cheated on me...actually he left me without telling me we're over, he blocked me and told my friends he was done and moving on with someone new...

after 4 months he returned telling me he loves me and made a mistake...
after a lot of talking i decided to take him back...i forgive him but i no longer trust him and i told him that the trust needs to be worked on over time...
things have been ok if i dont ask questions or want to know anything but lately i have this feeling he is lying/covering up something, i get this feeling he might still be in contact with the girl he cheated with...

so i asked him tonight if it was ok with him if i contacted her to get her side of what happened (he is telling me nothing happened, then he said it was just fun, then he said he doesn't love her, then he said he did love her but not now,then he says he liked her, then he says they never slept together, only kissed and that she chased him) i dont know what to believe anymore..
so i wanted to contact her..

he went mad immediately and threatened me and said do not contact her and if i do i will lose him...so i told him not to threaten me with that and if he wants to go then there's the door, he made it clear that he didnt want me contacting her and he went on and on about it and then he said i am a trouble maker and i do nothing but cause problems...i am hurt by this and i feel he is hiding/lying about something or else why have a problem if i contact her?

he kept going on about "do not do anything silly, do not create problems" then he got mad at me and said goodnight.
Am i being unreasonable by wanting to contact the person he had an affair with?

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Old 30th January 2018, 8:36 PM   #2
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Don't speak to her. For starters, there's the basic problem that she may not be willing to speak with you. And if she does, she may not be honest about anything anyway.

The problem you have is with your partner, not her. What is he doing to make you think that he's back in contact with her?
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Old 30th January 2018, 8:51 PM   #3
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No, you're not being unreasonable in wanting to find out the truth. BUT....you are being very foolish by taking this lying, cheating, manipulative, two-faced oxygen thief back into your life. Any person who becomes angry when you ask them perfectly reasonable questions has psychological problems and is a bully. He cheated on you, didn't even have enough backbone to tell you that your relationship was over, (stinking little coward), and then only came back to you because the other woman dumped him when she found out what a jerk he is. This guy is toxic, and has already started poisoning your life. You must have quite low self esteem to tolerate this sort of treatment, so maybe you could work on feeling better about yourself instead of wasting your time working at a relationship with this jerk. You deserve better, and better will come along soon enough if you appreciate what you have to offer. He's a jerk, don't lower or embarrass yourself by being the jerks girlfriend.
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Old 30th January 2018, 9:32 PM   #4
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He hasn't shown ANY INDICATION that he can be trusted. NONE.

I also believe you should not contact the gf or ex or whatever she is now. She will likely not be entirely transparent.

Telling him that trust takes time is absolutely correct and he has already broken that. He defensive response to your request to contact her is and was over the top. His answers to your questions, bewildering.

It took a look for you to take him back. You gave him the opportunity to redeem himself. He failed before it began.
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Old 30th January 2018, 9:33 PM   #5
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Oh why did you take this guy back after he treated you so horribly. You can forgive in time but that doesn't justify going back to someone who's shown you who they truly are within their core.

The only thing you've taught him is that you're willing to tolerate and accept poor treatment and trust there'll be more of that to come.

Find your self-respect and let him walk out the door.
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Old 31st January 2018, 12:15 AM   #6
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Second chances are all well and good and I believe in them, but not when someone cheats on you. You just don't get that type of trust back.
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Old 31st January 2018, 5:29 AM   #7
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Please read the wayward spouse guide from the infidelity sub-forum:

Things that every wayward spouse needs to know

When someone has cheated and acted as horrendously as he has, and has been given the lucky opportunity to put it right (which few get), the ball is entirely in their court to do whatever it takes (i.e. whatever the other partner requires) to earn back the trust. If they aren't willing to do that, then they aren't truly remorseful. If they aren't truly remorseful, then they don't think that what they did was actually that bad. And if they don't think that, then they are capable of doing it again and should not be trusted.

It seems very clear that this guy is hiding something still. If he wants to make it work with you again, then it shouldn't matter a tiny bit whether you "cause trouble" with the other girl. He should allow it, because he should only be interested in your feelings, not hers.

I agree with the other replies on this thread. This guy is not trustworthy and never will be. Even if he behaves himself, you'll always be plagued with nagging doubts. Is that something you want to live with?
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Old 31st January 2018, 5:52 AM   #8
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I hope it doesn't sound mean but please have some selfrespect!!!
Leave him and shut him down. You don't need him. He left you and has a problem with his behaviour and accepting the consequences.
He is capable of much worse. Don't settle for a guy like him.
You can find someone better! Believe me when I say that you will regret it if you let him stay in your life.
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Old 31st January 2018, 6:24 AM   #9
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You are being foolish. Her side of the story is not the issues.

Not only did this man cheat but he didn't have the balls to break up with you properly. He just ghosted you. Why on earth you would take back a person like that boggles the mind. You two were engaged to be married yet he completely lacks boundaries, the ability to communicate or conflict resolution skills.

While I may have been able to forgive once instance of cheating, I could never forgive the combo of cheating & ghosting. If you marry a man like that what do you think is going to happen the 1st time your marriage encounters a rough patch? How do you think you & this man child will resolve any issue life throws at you?

Now he's gaslighting you & trying to make you feel like you are the troublemaker. Oh honey. You are in for a world of hurt with this one. His threat to leave you is actually the best thing that could ever happen to you. Let him go! Without trust there is no foundation for a relationship
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Old 31st January 2018, 7:06 PM   #10
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Hey there! Thanks for sharing here! I am in favor of second chances and I believe that people can change! I also agree with you on the fact that trust needs to be worked on over time. It is hard for me to see him working to be trusted in this scenario. If you have nothing to hide, you should not afraid of people talking to each other! Your doubts are reasonable and he is in no position of threatening you with anything! Have you had the chance to talk to a close friend about this situation? Maybe even a counselor! Someone that can help you gain some perspective and make decisions that would help you move forward! Please let me know if you need help finding someone to talk!
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Old 1st February 2018, 1:24 PM   #11
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He sounds toxic and manipulative. Trust your gut, which sounds like it's currently saying he isn't doing what he needs to to demonstrate he's become the partner who deserves you. Agree with the other posters that talking to her won't help -- instead, consider that you seem to feel the need to talk to her because you trust him so little.

Even if you did talk to her, you know nothing about her character except that she's a cheater (unless he lied to her about his relationship status at the time?). So you don't know how honest she'd be if she was willing to talk. And if she was willing to talk, it would likely only be because she was angry or fed up with him. None of that is very helpful to you.

I agree with d0nnivain that he's gaslighting you. At best, he's someone who can't take responsibility for what he's done without getting defensive and putting protecting his own feelings ahead of yours, which makes him a terrible, selfish partner. At worst, he's got a pathological problem that makes him manipulative and toxic. You won't be able to change him either way, and he's not going to change any time soon if at all. Do yourself a favor, and break things off with him -- then disappear from his life (going no contact will help you focus on yourself and heal and block his further attempts to manipulate you).
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Old 11th February 2018, 6:24 PM   #12
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The fact that you feel the need that you have to ask if its unreasonable after all the **** he put you through tells me that there's some kind of manipulation or emotional abuse involved in this relationship.

I know this will be hard to hear, but i think its best if you leave him all together. He could still be seeing this girl behind your back for all you know. The fact that he's this defensive about it and his story keeps changing isn't a good sign.

Its not unreasonable for you to want to contact her, but don't. It won't lead to anything good.
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Old 14th February 2018, 2:12 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lennyor View Post
he went mad immediately and threatened me and said do not contact her and if i do i will lose him...so i told him not to threaten me with that and if he wants to go then there's the door, he made it clear that he didnt want me contacting her and he went on and on about it and then he said i am a trouble maker and i do nothing but cause problems...i am hurt by this and i feel he is hiding/lying about something or else why have a problem if i contact her?

he kept going on about "do not do anything silly, do not create problems" then he got mad at me and said goodnight.
Am i being unreasonable by wanting to contact the person he had an affair with?
This is the test you're looking for. You said you wanted him to make you trust him again, but this right here is how he failed.

And besides, who needs/deserves this kind of DRAMA in their lives? Not you, not anybody. Please do yourself a favor, and don't contact or ever see him again. Let them deal with their problem, it's not yours to begin with.
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Old 15th February 2018, 7:14 PM   #14
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Really? "Don't create any problems." He's the cheater. He's the one who created a problem.

I can tell you right now he's at a very minimum holding her in reserve, and that's IF he's not still involved with her actively, because look how he freaked out when you might "create problems" with her. She may know nothing about you. He's a cheater. What he wants is to have more than one woman he can keep from squawking too loud about it. Is that you?
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