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Bf constantly jokes, caused break up


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Old 15th January 2018, 3:16 PM   #46
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See if he really gets into therapy. Tell him you have lost attraction for him and don't know if it will come back if he fixes himself or not.

But always remember, these things he's saying, he really was thinking them. He doesn't seem sorry for thinking them but only that he got called on saying it out loud. He's got a lot of therapy to get his self-esteem back, and therapy alone won't do it. He'll have to build himself up and accomplish things and start feeling like he's worth something. I'm sure he probably acts grandiose and puffed up sometimes but that's not what's down under.

It's even worse that he doesn't even know he's doing it. That just means it's coming from his subconscious and that's where the truth lies.
That's what I told him, that if he says it, he's thinking it. He says he isn't thinking it, but that makes no sense to me. How do you say things you're not thinking? But then I think, if he thinks these bad things about me, why does he want to stay together?
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Old 16th January 2018, 3:05 PM   #47
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That's what I told him, that if he says it, he's thinking it. He says he isn't thinking it, but that makes no sense to me. How do you say things you're not thinking? But then I think, if he thinks these bad things about me, why does he want to stay together?
I mean, he's saying that because what else is he going to say? Yeah, I meant it, but I'm sorry I said it, but I meant it, yes.

Low self-esteem people NEED to be with someone to prop themselves up and make them feel more normal. Hey, I'm okay, I have a girlfriend. Never mind that I say nasty things to her to make myself feel superior all the time.
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Old 16th January 2018, 8:33 PM   #48
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I mean, he's saying that because what else is he going to say? Yeah, I meant it, but I'm sorry I said it, but I meant it, yes.

Low self-esteem people NEED to be with someone to prop themselves up and make them feel more normal. Hey, I'm okay, I have a girlfriend. Never mind that I say nasty things to her to make myself feel superior all the time.
Very true. I wish he would say he meant it. Even though it sounds meaner, it would make me feel less "crazy". It's like being mindf'd all the time.
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Old 16th January 2018, 10:02 PM   #49
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Well, if his rudeness is managing to make YOU feel crazy instead of him, then I'd say he has some skills at gaslighting too. If you aren't familiar with the term, look it up. It's someone who manages to act like you're imagining a problem they're creating, shaming you for making too much of something, for instance, minimizing what they're doing. It would be totally consistent with how he is because he has to have SOME defense for doing this to people his whole life.
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Old 17th January 2018, 10:58 AM   #50
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Well, if his rudeness is managing to make YOU feel crazy instead of him, then I'd say he has some skills at gaslighting too. If you aren't familiar with the term, look it up. It's someone who manages to act like you're imagining a problem they're creating, shaming you for making too much of something, for instance, minimizing what they're doing. It would be totally consistent with how he is because he has to have SOME defense for doing this to people his whole life.
Thank you for your post. Yes, I think he did think I was making too much of it and didn't really see what he was doing. I saw my therapist who mentioned the Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse. It's the 4 predictors of divorce and she said we had "contempt" ever present in our relationship. After reading about it, it makes so much sense. Doesn't make it easier, but I'm putting the pieces together of what happened.

At least I am realizing that my feeling are valid. Again, thank you for your comments on my thread. It's still hard to let go despite knowing all of this now.
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Old 17th January 2018, 3:58 PM   #51
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Thank you for your post. Yes, I think he did think I was making too much of it and didn't really see what he was doing. I saw my therapist who mentioned the Four Horsemen of the Apocolypse. It's the 4 predictors of divorce and she said we had "contempt" ever present in our relationship. After reading about it, it makes so much sense. Doesn't make it easier, but I'm putting the pieces together of what happened.

At least I am realizing that my feeling are valid. Again, thank you for your comments on my thread. It's still hard to let go despite knowing all of this now.
Yes, it's not fun to go through something like this. But don't let him make YOU feel like the culprit. He's clearly the guilty party.

Like that jerk I worked with, if you got disgusted with him, would say, Wow, you're awfully touchy, or something like that, ridicule ME and others for not liking his horrible insults.
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Old 17th January 2018, 8:17 PM   #52
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Closure? No one can give you closure. That comes from within -- through acceptance and realization that this man isn't the partner you desire and that you deserve to be treated better. It comes from you embracing your standards and values and knowing that this isn't right for you.
Closure does come from within but that doesn't mean you can't shake things up a little to expedite the realisation process. It's basic human phscology.
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Old 18th January 2018, 12:16 PM   #53
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Closure does come from within but that doesn't mean you can't shake things up a little to expedite the realisation process. It's basic human phscology.
I am still working on this. I don't think he's going to help me, because he doesn't want to break up. We are still in contact and I am having a tough time ignoring him, I guess because I feel bad being the dumper. I know this is keeping me in limbo. I am getting closer to realizing I probably have to cut contact at some point.
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Old 22nd January 2018, 11:53 AM   #54
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Update

The ex and I decided to take time apart (still technically broken up), somewhere around 3 to 6 months. He and I will get therapy separately during the time and then go one one date when the time is over to see how we are.

I don't know if this will solve anything, but I figure I have nothing to lose by doing it. It's just one date and we will not get back together unless things improve. I feel good about this plan for now. I don't know if my heart will change after some months. It's still day by day for me.

Any thoughts about this plan? Good or bad idea? Thank you.
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