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Why is it that what you want the most, miss so bad, feel so wrong?


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

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Old 1st January 2018, 12:33 PM   #1
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Why is it that what you want the most, miss so bad, feel so wrong?

My Ex and I broke up back in April after the third major breakup. We saw each other a few times in the beginning of September but he couldnít handle my sons sports schedule and told me to find a football dad. Something changed within me that night. He broke me, and I was stuck feeling like I had to pick and choose between my son and him. This was the first of three major breakups; but this was the first time that i walked away without a peep. There was no looking back for me. I kept all things moving in a direction as far away from him as i could. My family does not like him. In fact our relationship has caused a lot of stress between myself and my family. Since April my family and I have gotten along greatly. I am in my 40ís no spring chicken.
Ex came back in December practically begging. Called my family and apologized, and stated that he wants to move on with me and now sees that he doesnít want to ever lose me and will be extremely supportive in all areas of mine and my sons life. But my family emphatically shares their dislike for him. I love him, I do. I am not as in love with him as before, but what if he means what he says and does realize that he took me for granted and that he never wants to lose me again. Now I feel as tho I am stuck choosing between my family and him. And being or seeing him feels so wrong now, almost like I am having an affair. Please share your thoughts with me. Do I continue seeing him and hope that my family gets over it? Or break everything off and never speak to him again and wonder for the rest of my life?
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Old 1st January 2018, 12:38 PM   #2
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Can you blame your family?
This guy told you to find another man, basically saying he's not willing to be the partner you need or the father figure your kid needs. Then he realized the grass isn't greener on the other side and is trying to mambo back in.

Even if you allowed him back- imagine the tension!
Your family would put him through trial because he's proven himself unreliable and they'll be expecting him to do it again, even if you don't.
And in turn, you might get frustrated with your family and have strained relationships with them because them wanting your best interest may look like they aren't happy for you.

Honestly.
I'd go off what he's said. Those words are stuck in your mind for a reason, because they are very telling. He is not capable of being the man you need.
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Old 1st January 2018, 1:39 PM   #3
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No, I can’t blame them. I go back and forth with it myself. But I do wonder if he honestly saw that he lost me and realizes how selfish he actually was. I struggle with this everyday and wonder if I should give him the opportunity to prove this change.

Last edited by mejustme; 1st January 2018 at 1:40 PM.. Reason: Wanted to add more to it
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Old 1st January 2018, 3:02 PM   #4
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No, I canít blame them. I go back and forth with it myself. But I do wonder if he honestly saw that he lost me and realizes how selfish he actually was. I struggle with this everyday and wonder if I should give him the opportunity to prove this change.
I believe in second chances. I do. Some times it takes me a little time to realize that we are all human and that we make mistakes and that should not be a death sentence. I learned that this year with my ex. But, here's the thing...what changes has he made to demonstrate to you that things will be different? Therapy? Personal growth/improvement? Why bring someone back that has not shown that he will be different?
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Old 1st January 2018, 3:56 PM   #5
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Iím looking at it from his point of view. It was mentioned he is not meeting your kids ďneedsĒ. No one ďneedsĒ to play sports. They are not going to die if they donít. I see this a lot with parents nowadays where they are carting their kids around all weekend to yet another game.

From someone who does not have kids, but was one myself, this type of behavior is absurd - your entire life is based around your kids events? This is why I donít date women with kids.

Not sure if he had kids himself but I can see a lot of guys getting tired going from game to game on weekends when most guys want to relax.

A break might have changed his perspective but you should look at what you are expecting of him and determine if it is reasonable.
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Old 1st January 2018, 6:24 PM   #6
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The kid comes first.
Is it really a compliment if a woman abandons her motherly duties to appease someone she's dating? No.

And any man who wants to date her should be aware she has responsibilities and that he's going to be a male role model in the kids life simply because he's dating their mother. That alone can't be taken lightly or make it acceptable for him to run off and come back as he pleases like he's trying to do.
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Old 1st January 2018, 6:36 PM   #7
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Iím looking at it from his point of view. It was mentioned he is not meeting your kids ďneedsĒ. No one ďneedsĒ to play sports. They are not going to die if they donít. I see this a lot with parents nowadays where they are carting their kids around all weekend to yet another game.

From someone who does not have kids, but was one myself, this type of behavior is absurd - your entire life is based around your kids events? This is why I donít date women with kids.

Not sure if he had kids himself but I can see a lot of guys getting tired going from game to game on weekends when most guys want to relax.

A break might have changed his perspective but you should look at what you are expecting of him and determine if it is reasonable.

I'm sorry, but I'm a father. Maybe you wouldn't want to go from game-to-game on the weekends with your kids or someone else's kids so you can sit home and relax, but I can tell you that there's nothing else I'd rather be doing as a father than attending my child's games. Speak for yourself and stop generalizing that other guys would rather sit home and relax. It's a false statement.

Also, one should know what they're getting involved with when entering a relationship with a woman who has kids. It's all about communication. Do you think that he could've said,

"Look, I don't think it's a great idea for me to attend you child's football games because I'm not trying to confuse them with my role in our relationship. I hope you can respect that."

Instead of,

"Go find another guy to fill a father role to your children."

Personally, I do think people can change, and they do. Maybe you two should take it really slow, like over a period of months, to see if his behavior has changed. If so, then at least you'd feel more comfortable entering back into the relationship or deciding that it's not for you.
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Old 1st January 2018, 6:42 PM   #8
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I'm sorry, but I'm a father. Maybe you wouldn't want to go from game-to-game on the weekends with your kids or someone else's kids so you can sit home and relax, but I can tell you that there's nothing else I'd rather be doing as a father than attending my child's games. Speak for yourself and stop generalizing that other guys would rather sit home and relax. It's a false statement.

Also, one should know what they're getting involved with when entering a relationship with a woman who has kids. It's all about communication. Do you think that he could've said,

"Look, I don't think it's a great idea for me to attend you child's football games because I'm not trying to confuse them with my role in our relationship. I hope you can respect that."

Instead of,

"Go find another guy to fill a father role to your children."

Personally, I do think people can change, and they do. Maybe you two should take it really slow, like over a period of months, to see if his behavior has changed. If so, then at least you'd feel more comfortable entering back into the relationship or deciding that it's not for you.
Exactly. Your kids.

My point is it may be too much for kids that are not yours.

Not sure how I'd feel about it if they were my kids but it sure doesn't sound like fun. I have a buddy who does it all weekend and loves it for his kids. Not sure if he would feel the same doing it for someone else's.
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Old 1st January 2018, 7:42 PM   #9
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Exactly. Your kids.

My point is it may be too much for kids that are not yours.

Not sure how I'd feel about it if they were my kids but it sure doesn't sound like fun. I have a buddy who does it all weekend and loves it for his kids. Not sure if he would feel the same doing it for someone else's.
I did it for an ex's son after she had cheated..... because of him. Not for his mother and her new guy or myself. I did it for the kid. That was several years ago and that kid is now mid 20's. I haven't spoke to his mother in years,but the 'kid' calls me several times a month and we grab dinner when he's in town. Just saying.
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Old 1st January 2018, 7:54 PM   #10
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So, OP...Have you asked him "what's changed?" I get the feeling that once he's back in the picture, after a while, he'll go back to the same as before. Just curious of "what's changed?" within his thinking that now he's ready to be a 'dad'. Is he simply lonely? Start going to church/therapy gaining a new outlook on his life? What exactly has changed is what you need to not only ask about,but WATCH for those changes/same patterns. I can tell you whatever I think you'd want to hear to get you back and be VERY convincing! Trust me BUT, it would be my actions that showed who I really am.
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Old 1st January 2018, 8:19 PM   #11
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i don't know how things would work out between you and him ...what i do know is that family is irreplaceable....that your son cant have some guy walking in and out of his life when he so chooses you aren't a singular item you are a package deal and if he walked out before he could quite easily do it again......from experience....once they walk...that's it....i don't believe in trial separations with kids involved....and your own feelings to the side for a sec...its your son who needs a role model of excellence...you don't only need and want a partner you need a father figure too who is reliable, caring compassionate, loving towards both of you, constant and sticks around when times get tough...because they will get tough i guarantee it...........

whether you give him a chance or not is up to you....personally i feel......he isnt married to you so walking away is easy for him.......and parenting is what he seemed to have a problem with.....your son needs his mum full time not worrying about some guy who may or may not stay....my suggestion is....

.do not let him move in until you are guts and glory 100 per cent sure of his intentions.....if he wereto have said i want to marry your daughter and be a father to her child......then do you think your family would have felt differently????

...not what he did say" i want to shack up with your daughter and im going to be in their lives i am serious about this...really?????......my father disinherited me basically because i was unwed living with a guy..there was also the ex hooker thing but thats another story.......i said to my dad ....he loves me he really does...my dad said yeah how....now i couldnt really say we have mad sex and he tells me he loves me

your guy honestly hasnt proven anything.......by what he has said to your family they are words only...where are the actions????.real proof..

your family has your best interest at heart..do not let this guy back to live with you until you sure he is legit.....let him show you that first...for your sons sake if not your own heart......deb
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Last edited by todreaminblue; 1st January 2018 at 8:26 PM..
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Old 2nd January 2018, 11:40 AM   #12
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I totally agree; my son will always come first. I never indicated or said anything about my ex moving in. I have absolutely no intention of that. I wouldnít have that for my son.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 11:52 AM   #13
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So, OP...Have you asked him "what's changed?" I get the feeling that once he's back in the picture, after a while, he'll go back to the same as before. Just curious of "what's changed?" within his thinking that now he's ready to be a 'dad'. Is he simply lonely? Start going to church/therapy gaining a new outlook on his life? What exactly has changed is what you need to not only ask about,but WATCH for those changes/same patterns. I can tell you whatever I think you'd want to hear to get you back and be VERY convincing! Trust me BUT, it would be my actions that showed who I really am.

Honestly I am not looking for a dad. My sons father and I are are doing a phenomenal job co parenting and his father not I have missed a single football game. I wasnít even expecting my ex boyfriend to be at every game, but I did expect him to take an interest show up at a few games and more than anything I just wanted him to be supportive and understand that my son is my life and I will not be put in a position where I feel guilty for going to football games on Friday nights.

As for the change, he says seeing me change made him realize that I was gone, checked out, moving on, not playing games anymore. In a nutshell, idgaf anymore what he thought. I didnít gaf about hurting his feelings on a Friday night. You see, Bc before I would run to my sons games, panic the entire game and pray to not go in to OT, Iíd leave the field, freshen up in the car for our Friday date night, speed to run to his house and then finally have a chance to relax. I was trying to please everybody, and finally I realized that I was tired of running. So on sept. 21 while sitting at my sons football game ( which to some isnít a big deal, but you see my son is a freshman playing on a varsity football team-thatís a big deal around me) my ex and I fought through text Bc he didnít show ( he claims Bc of miscommunications) and then got mad at me Bc I wasnít running to his house at 9:30 pm. Thatís the night he told me he wasnít going to do this every Friday night and that I should go find a football dad that would. So you see, it all changed that night and I said that I was done.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 11:57 AM   #14
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So, OP...Have you asked him "what's changed?" I get the feeling that once he's back in the picture, after a while, he'll go back to the same as before. Just curious of "what's changed?" within his thinking that now he's ready to be a 'dad'. Is he simply lonely? Start going to church/therapy gaining a new outlook on his life? What exactly has changed is what you need to not only ask about,but WATCH for those changes/same patterns. I can tell you whatever I think you'd want to hear to get you back and be VERY convincing! Trust me BUT, it would be my actions that showed who I really am.
As for the change, he says seeing me change made him realize that I was gone, checked out, moving on, not playing games anymore. In a nutshell, idgaf anymore what he thought. I didnít gaf about hurting his feelings on a Friday night. You see, Bc before I would run to my sons games, panic the entire game and pray to not go in to OT, Iíd leave the field, freshen up in the car for our Friday date night, speed to run to his house and then finally have a chance to relax. I was trying to please everybody, and finally I realized that I was tired of running. So on sept. 21 while sitting at my sons football game ( which to some isnít a big deal, but you see my son is a freshman playing on a varsity football team-thatís a big deal around me) my ex and I fought through text Bc he didnít show ( he claims Bc of miscommunications) and then got mad at me Bc I wasnít running to his house at 9:30 pm. Thatís the night he told me he wasnít going to do this every Friday night and that I should go find a football dad that would. So you see, it all changed that night and I said that I was done.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 3:27 PM   #15
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Iím looking at it from his point of view. It was mentioned he is not meeting your kids ďneedsĒ. No one ďneedsĒ to play sports. They are not going to die if they donít. I see this a lot with parents nowadays where they are carting their kids around all weekend to yet another game.

From someone who does not have kids, but was one myself, this type of behavior is absurd - your entire life is based around your kids events? This is why I donít date women with kids.

Not sure if he had kids himself but I can see a lot of guys getting tired going from game to game on weekends when most guys want to relax.

A break might have changed his perspective but you should look at what you are expecting of him and determine if it is reasonable.
Youíre talking as if I am jamming sports down my sons throat. First, my son plays one sport per season. I have told him and reinforce that he needs to find his two top sports. So far this year he plays football and basketball. Yes, itís a bit overwhelming for me a single parent, but I make it work for him. Second, academics ALWAYS come first in my house. If his grades slip Bc he canít handle school and sports then sports go. He knows this. And lastly, people without kids overlook the importance of sports. Sports are a right of passage and teach children much more than just the sport itself. Sports teach discipline, respect, responsibility and how to play fairly with others. I donít like when people chalk sports up to being just a ďjockĒ thing. Dig a little deeper and youíll find out that sports are actually a fabulous thing for children. Onto the aspects, I have never nor do I need a father figure for my son; his
Father is a phenomenal father that spends a great deal of time with his son. And I never expected any guy that is in my life to fill that role. I didnít expect my ex boyfriend to attend every game but I did expect him to be supportive and not ride me Bc I wanted to go to my sons games. As I mentioned in another response; I ran myself ragged for many years trying to spend adequate time with both my son and my boyfriend and in the interim I forgot about myself.
I do appreciate your take on my issue tho and appreciate the feedback.
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