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Fiancee broke up with me - should we get back...if she even wants me back?


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

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Old 24th January 2018, 6:30 PM   #61
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Dude she is just ruining your life and you’re letting her.! she’s playing you big time... “Wakey wakey” time to wake the F*ck up and smell the coffee take your life back. Or just keeping being a doormat it’s your life.! Good luck
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Old 24th January 2018, 6:57 PM   #62
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MilesTrueLove,

I just went through all your posts. So sorry you’re going through this. With regards to leaving you for another guy, I have a couple of questions. How was she behaving with her phone in the months prior to the breakup? Was she on it a lot? Was she getting messages/calls at odd hours? Was she putting her phone face down at all times? Was she very protective of it? My ex did all of the above and, lo and behold, there was another guy who convinced her to end our relationship. If there is another guy, my guess is that he works with her because she’s been working a lot more.

Another explanation as to why she wanted a break could be her age. She’s only 24. Her friends are probably out partying, enjoying the attention of horny guys and playing the field. From what you shared about her, I don’t think she’s that kind of girl but she’s been with you since the age of 20 and she must’ve wanted to experience the single life before getting tied down.

To quote The Rational Male, ”In any relationship, the person with the most power is the one who needs the other the least” and right now your fiancée (ex?) has it. She’s definitely stringing you along and you’re enabling her. I don’t doubt that she’s missing you but you’ve put this girl up on a pedestal and she’s taking full advantage of it. Look at the promises she hasn’t kept; the coffee, the dinner, the letter. You’ve been waiting for these things for more than a month. I don’t care how busy she is; if she wanted to see you, she would’ve at least told you to meet her at her place if not meet you at yours.

I had a very similar dynamic with my ex. She started hanging out with this other guy a lot and, like you, I begged her to not see him and be with me. I then got smart and became indifferent to her. That made her rethink everything and now she wants to get back! I haven’t taken her back but I have the option to do so and it’s all due to the power shift. Do you want that letter soon? Do you want that dinner date set? Take her off that pedestal. Make her realise that your life doesn’t revolve around her and that you’ll move on. You don’t have to go no contact but you don’t have to respond to all of her messages and calls. Tell her you’re too busy with life and that if she has something important to talk about then to reach out. Trust me, the thought of you getting over her will straighten her out.

You seem like a great guy Miles. I really enjoyed reading your posts. I recommend you read the book I’ve posted above, or at least going through the preview. I sincerely hope you get better.

On a lighter note, I know we’re still in January but “limboland” has to be an early contender for word of the year

Take care
I am sorry to hear that you are going through something similar.

She had just become extremely distant. I did not pick up on new behaviors particular to those things but I did sense her withdrawing and disengaging from me. That was undeniable. I still have no idea who or what her support system is. I am very curious as this is not something that she could handle alone.

Where are you currently at with getting back together / not getting back together? How did you find out about the other guy? Have you guys had any productive conversations about why she did what she did?
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Old 24th January 2018, 7:03 PM   #63
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My Ex Fiancee left me in the exact same manner in September. Trust me when i say this, listen to people in this forum. I begged and pleaded with her for a month and yes there was another guy involved. No matter what you think now, she chose to throw away a healthy relationship to start something new. Since she probably hit a roadblock there, she is stringing you on.

These breakups follow a pattern, something that has happened to many people on this forum. Learn from their experiences, don't repeat the mistakes. I know you do not want to believe this now. I was in the same position one month into my break up. Its just denial and trust me even if you do get back to her now, that relationship will fail. Give them what they want, space or freedom, whatever you want to call it and exit. Your ex will leave you the moment she finds something better.

Trust me, you would not believe me how much clarity you will have in another 3 months. Let time do the healing and then you will see things more clearly. But for that you have to go strict NC. Cut her loose, emails, texts, calls, Facebook and everything else. Don't let her cloud your judgement. Everybody starts NC to get back their ex, no matter what they say, but overtime you will understand things with much more clarity.

It is hard but you will thank yourself for this later. Keep your self respect and dignity. To let someone back who do not respect you, who was bold enough to cheat on you and betray you is letting them do that again. Protect yourself and do things to distract your pain. Hit the gym, talk to friends and family, but don't let yourself break NC. Be your own strength and you will be doing much better over the months.

Read the threads on GIGs, it will help you put things into perspective, but don't keep false hope, they made those decisions consciously. If they were the same person you knew, they would not be able to hurt you like this. They have changed, dumped you and let you be their backup. Don't hold on to them. Cut them free and protect yourself in the best way you can.

I hope you consider reading through this forum and listening to people before you put yourself through this anymore.
I am definitely here to learn and not to hide my head in the sand. Again, I have nothing to say that there is another guy. What I do have is a girl that I love very much, who I gave four years to, reaching out to me every day and now telling me that she misses me.

I am confused by all of this. Perhaps I am naive. What I am also doing is paying attention to what everyone is saying. I appreciate all comments on here. I just simply believe that there could be something else at play here. She did dump me. She did the hard thing already.

I did the whole begging thing early on. It was not pretty and only pushed her further away. I then went very low contact and after weeks, that is when she started reaching out... And now she is talking of meeting me this weekend to discuss what we may need to do to reconcile. I cannot just ignore that. I have to at least hear her out.
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Old 24th January 2018, 7:04 PM   #64
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Dude she is just ruining your life and you’re letting her.! she’s playing you big time... “Wakey wakey” time to wake the F*ck up and smell the coffee take your life back. Or just keeping being a doormat it’s your life.! Good luck
I appreciate your comment even if it is not especially helpful here.

I do not feel that I am being a doormat by trying to converse with someone that I have been with for four years.
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Old 25th January 2018, 1:36 AM   #65
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Where are you currently at with getting back together / not getting back together? How did you find out about the other guy? Have you guys had any productive conversations about why she did what she did?
We are at a stage where she’s asking me out and I’m refusing. She told me about the other guy herself. Apparently he was going to “fight tooth and nail” for her. We were having problems in our relationship when he came in. Nothing that couldn’t be fixed but he convinced her to leave our 4 year relationship (plus 2 year friendship) in a matter of days. Then she started playing games by telling me all the things he’s doing to win her and she created a mental leaderboard to let me know if I was ahead or behind. I played these games for nearly 5 months till I had enough of it. I told her I was moving on and stopped showing interest in her. Within a few days she told me she wanted to get back with me but only after a few months because she was busy with work and studies. She wanted to keep me in limboland for a few more months which pissed me off and I let her know.

We’ve been in touch from the beginning of the breakup and of late she’s been showing serious interest in getting back. But what’s holding me back is that she still hasn’t properly apologised for bringing the other guy in. I’ve caught her lying a few time and her vehement denials just makes it hard for me to trust her. However, my biggest issue is if a guy she’s known for a few days can make her leave a 6 year relationship then she’s either weak minded or the relationship didn’t mean much to begin with.
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Old 25th January 2018, 9:47 AM   #66
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We are at a stage where she’s asking me out and I’m refusing. She told me about the other guy herself. Apparently he was going to “fight tooth and nail” for her. We were having problems in our relationship when he came in. Nothing that couldn’t be fixed but he convinced her to leave our 4 year relationship (plus 2 year friendship) in a matter of days. Then she started playing games by telling me all the things he’s doing to win her and she created a mental leaderboard to let me know if I was ahead or behind. I played these games for nearly 5 months till I had enough of it. I told her I was moving on and stopped showing interest in her. Within a few days she told me she wanted to get back with me but only after a few months because she was busy with work and studies. She wanted to keep me in limboland for a few more months which pissed me off and I let her know.

We’ve been in touch from the beginning of the breakup and of late she’s been showing serious interest in getting back. But what’s holding me back is that she still hasn’t properly apologised for bringing the other guy in. I’ve caught her lying a few time and her vehement denials just makes it hard for me to trust her. However, my biggest issue is if a guy she’s known for a few days can make her leave a 6 year relationship then she’s either weak minded or the relationship didn’t mean much to begin with.
I can completely understand the position that you are coming from. Did she ever do anything like this before or did this come out of the blue after the issues were occurring?

I have felt similarly with my ex-fiancee. On the one had, she is open to reconciling and has stated to me and others that she misses me. I have asked her out on a few dates over the last month and she always needs to check her schedule. Now, she is asking me out on dates but always needs to check her schedule before committing.

All I know is that I will ask her out no more.
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Old 25th January 2018, 10:00 AM   #67
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I can completely understand the position that you are coming from. Did she ever do anything like this before or did this come out of the blue after the issues were occurring?

I have felt similarly with my ex-fiancee. On the one had, she is open to reconciling and has stated to me and others that she misses me. I have asked her out on a few dates over the last month and she always needs to check her schedule. Now, she is asking me out on dates but always needs to check her schedule before committing.

All I know is that I will ask her out no more.
Yes, she has led other guys on in the past while still in the relationship. The whole checking schedule thing is crap and you've probably realized that by now. Do not initiate any contact and only reply sporadically to her messages. But if she were to make serious plans of meeting you and getting back, what are you going to do?
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Old 25th January 2018, 10:50 AM   #68
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I am admittedly frustrated to a large degree. In my mind, if she truly wants something, why the delay? Her life is not THAT busy. At the same time, she says she needs time and space. In speaking with a relationship counselor and with her mom, I am just trying to be patient for her here.

I actually do believe her when she says that we are going out and that she is going to bring up reconciling. She told me this earlier in the week and I am not sure why she would say it if it was not so. She has already told members of her immediate family about this. Last week she even alluded to me moving back in to the apartment.

As I have said on this thread a few times, my love for her is unconditional but my desire for reconciliation is very conditional. It depends on our talk. What I cannot get over is that we had four very good years with nothing of this sort ever happening. Could this be a one-off instance of her getting cold feet, having a quarter-life crisis, etc? Or is this something that is going to be a repeated pattern. Life is not black and white, and I just want to better understand what occurred. If our talk goes well, I would get back with her.

Last edited by MilesTruelove; 25th January 2018 at 10:54 AM.. Reason: typo
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Old 25th January 2018, 11:27 AM   #69
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. Could this be a one-off instance of her getting cold feet, having a quarter-life crisis, etc? Or is this something that is going to be a repeated pattern. Life is not black and white, and I just want to better understand what occurred. If our talk goes well, I would get back with her.

I don't think this is going to happen. Yes, she is confused & doesn't know what to do but "do I take him back?" is not part of that equation / discussion. What's got her at lose ends, what she's avoiding is how to hurt you & put that final nail in the coffin of your relationship. She's not a mean person. You had 4 wonderful years together. However she has made the decision that she wants to go in another direction -- to find herself, to date somebody else . . .. I can't tell you what she wants other than she wants something different, somebody who is not you. Sorry. However, she is not a mean person so she's struggling with how to be clear about that. It feels awful for her to say something like that because she knows how much that rejection will hurt you & she's loathe to bring that much pain into your life so she's doing this wishy-washy game playing dragging her feet promising you to meet or that she's write you a letter then not following through.


For your sake I hope I'm wrong but that is the way I see this playing out.
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Old 25th January 2018, 3:32 PM   #70
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So its Thursday now. What day and time are you two meeting this weekend?

You say you believe what she is telling you when most of what she has been telling you hasn't happened. Don't know what else to tell you if this weekend doesn't happen for you. I hope it does for your sake and that you get some definite results out of it. You can't allow yourself to keep getting strung along like this. You need to take control. Right now she controls this situation entirely. If this meeting happens, get out of it what YOU need.
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Old 25th January 2018, 4:30 PM   #71
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I don't think this is going to happen. Yes, she is confused & doesn't know what to do but "do I take him back?" is not part of that equation / discussion. What's got her at lose ends, what she's avoiding is how to hurt you & put that final nail in the coffin of your relationship. She's not a mean person. You had 4 wonderful years together. However she has made the decision that she wants to go in another direction -- to find herself, to date somebody else . . .. I can't tell you what she wants other than she wants something different, somebody who is not you. Sorry. However, she is not a mean person so she's struggling with how to be clear about that. It feels awful for her to say something like that because she knows how much that rejection will hurt you & she's loathe to bring that much pain into your life so she's doing this wishy-washy game playing dragging her feet promising you to meet or that she's write you a letter then not following through.


For your sake I hope I'm wrong but that is the way I see this playing out.
I keep getting hung up on the same thing. You break up with me, I move out, I am out of your life. Why say you are open to reconciliation knowing that I am also open to it. Why is she saying one thing if she means the other? She is only making it more difficult for us both.
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Old 25th January 2018, 4:32 PM   #72
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So its Thursday now. What day and time are you two meeting this weekend?

You say you believe what she is telling you when most of what she has been telling you hasn't happened. Don't know what else to tell you if this weekend doesn't happen for you. I hope it does for your sake and that you get some definite results out of it. You can't allow yourself to keep getting strung along like this. You need to take control. Right now she controls this situation entirely. If this meeting happens, get out of it what YOU need.
We have not named a time. Only a place and this weekend.

If it does not happen this weekend, after all of the flakiness I have been through, I think I will be having a chat with her.
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Old 25th January 2018, 5:17 PM   #73
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I get that your love is unconditional but you've let her string you along. If she doesn't meet you this weekend then the only way you're going to get her to act is by not being so available. Right now she knows that she can come back whenever and you'll be waiting. She needs to know that your patience is wearing thin and that you will move on.
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Old 4th February 2018, 4:03 PM   #74
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Curious if OP got his meet up or not. Hate to see him strung along
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Old 6th February 2018, 12:33 PM   #75
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Curious if OP got his meet up or not. Hate to see him strung along
Thank you. That weekend came and went and guess what? No meetup. On that Sunday (so two Sundays ago) I sent her something asking if she was still interested as she is the one who suggested meeting on Saturday. She sent me a reply stating that "I am not sure of a time yet but I am still considering that." Obviously this is very different from what she initially proposed.

I had become ready to throw in my hat and walk away. At this point I have heard nothing but words with little action. So throughout that week (so this would be last week) she starts reaching out to me more and more, not about small or trivial things any longer but rather bigger, more relationship-y things. We had a trip to CA scheduled this month. She offered to pay for us to change the dates to June and we did that last week. She also said that she did not to be presumptuous but she does not want a Valentine's Day gift. (I was not getting her one.) She also does not want us to tell family or mutual friends that our conversations are "heading in this direction". She wants to ease back into what we have and ultimately make the decision free from any outside influence.

Last Thursday, as she was wishing me a good night, she suggested that we meet for lunch on Saturday, saying she would confirm with me on Friday. Friday night we agreed to meet the following day at 11:15. Despite her "wanting to keep the talk light as we are in a public place", within about twenty minutes, she was bringing up the past. I told her that I have enjoyed talking to her but that if we are being honest, the recent talking and overall feeling of being in limbo has been painful as well. She apologized, said she understood, she said that the talking has been helpful for her in 'chiseling off the layer of awkwardness and pain surrounding us'. She then thanked me for switching the dates to our trip, stating that she did not want our 'current issues' to get in the way of any plans we may have. She also mentioned that she wants to start going to see a counselor. I view this last piece of info to be of some significance as I began seeing a relationship counselor a month before we broke up (and continue to do so); she would never come with me to a visit. I asked her if she would like to go out to dinner some time soon. She gave me a yes but was vague about committing. I will leave that ball in her court.

I am curious to know the thoughts of you guys here as I am as confused as I have ever been.

Last edited by MilesTruelove; 6th February 2018 at 3:50 PM.. Reason: typo
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