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Fiancee broke up with me - should we get back...if she even wants me back?


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

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Old 3rd January 2018, 9:21 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
Well that is kind of the point...

You are here on the internet, asking questions.

Experienced users are telling you that there is someone else because we have experienced this stuff before.

The way that she acted towards you is classic cheater behavior. They find dissatisfaction with you, out of no where, because they are cheating. They have to justify the guilt.

The guy at work was probably a player and dumped her when she said, "OK, I left my BF so we can be together!" Then he banged her for a while a dumped her.

Could there be another explanation, of course, and the probability is less than 0.01 percent.

You asked the question, we are just answering it...


I am here for answers, clarity and, overall, to make sense of this so that I know how to proceed. I certainly did not sign up for an account and write all of this just to hide my head in the sand. Regardless of what she did, she has been one of the most important things in my life. Should she reach out to me again (and I am certain she will) I just want to make the best decision.

I really do appreciate the feedback from everyone. I am not trying to avert my eyes from something that might be painful or troubling. Quite the contrary actually.

So talking this out further (because I am still having trouble with it)...she leaves someone she is engaged to for a five week fling, her fling dumps her, she comes crawling back... What exactly does she expect to gain from this in coming back? How does she expect for me to process this information? Or will she likely lie about why she left? If she does have someone else currently, could she be trying to dump them? Why agree to a date with someone who she dumped for a fling?

I love this girl unconditionally, truly. But my willingness to be in a relationship with her is quite conditional.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 10:58 AM   #17
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It sounds like you are gaining clarity...

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Originally Posted by MilesTruelove View Post
I am here for answers, clarity and, overall, to make sense of this so that I know how to proceed. I certainly did not sign up for an account and write all of this just to hide my head in the sand. Regardless of what she did, she has been one of the most important things in my life. Should she reach out to me again (and I am certain she will) I just want to make the best decision.

I really do appreciate the feedback from everyone. I am not trying to avert my eyes from something that might be painful or troubling. Quite the contrary actually.

So talking this out further (because I am still having trouble with it)...she leaves someone she is engaged to for a five week fling, her fling dumps her, she comes crawling back... What exactly does she expect to gain from this in coming back? How does she expect for me to process this information? Or will she likely lie about why she left? If she does have someone else currently, could she be trying to dump them? Why agree to a date with someone who she dumped for a fling?

I love this girl unconditionally, truly. But my willingness to be in a relationship with her is quite conditional.
It sounds like you are gaining clarity...

So here is the answer to your questions, that you just asked.

What she gains from coming back to you, (the plan b guy), is comfort, support, and someone that will take her back. Because if she is or does call, then he already dumped her.

Will she lie about why she left? Of course. She is not going to tell you that she was having an affair with this other guy. She is not going to say "You know, he was just so good in bed and I really enjoyed screwing someone besides you. I thought that he loved me so I left you for him. Turns out, he just sleeps with all the women that he can and I was just one of them."

No, she is going to say that she loves you and misses you, until he calls her back and says "Yes" to a "real" relationship.

And, the other thing that you should realize is that if she cheated once and does not get "caught", and has no consequences, she will do it again the next time a hot guy hits on her at work.

By the way, if she still works with this guy then her affair is still continuing.

So you need to be aware of that.

So ask her to take a polygraph and she what she says.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 1:34 PM   #18
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Apologies for appearing dense but it helps to talk this out: I am preparing myself for whatever but I do still maintain the idea that our separation could be due to other things in her life (stress, anxiety, the need to be independent of a relationship to figure her life out, etc), but let's just say you are correct here and she either was cheating on me while we were together or wanted to cheat and left me for someone that she has been with until recently...I have asked her out on a date. I have told her that I want to reconcile -- and a huge part of me does. What do I do from here? Let's say that she agrees to the date this week. I have no reason to believe that she will not. She has been reaching out to me frequently. If she was not going to accept the date, she would not have agreed to it in the first place.

Again, I am out of the apartment and basically out of her life. She has done the hard part. We were at each others' throats for a while before the breakup and a day or so afterwards, I disappeared for weeks and now we are back to being friendly. Assuming your theory that her new relationship isn't working out is a correct one and that is why she is suddenly changing her tune, how do I tackle that having also asked her out?
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Old 4th January 2018, 2:59 AM   #19
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Look, if she really wanted you back she wouldn’t have to “check her schedule” and drag this out endlessly. She would have rushed over to your apartment and been curled up in your arms right now, telling you how much she loves you and apologizing for nearly ruining it all.

That isn’t happening.

She’s stringing you along and keeping you in a Plan B holding pattern while she waits to see if New Guy pans out or even gives her the time of day.

Stop asking her out on dates. Don’t be that guy who keeps pursuing while being relegated to the sideline. Go out and do fun stuff on your own. You just may change your mind about the relationship once you stop answering her trivial texts.

Last edited by clam; 4th January 2018 at 3:04 AM..
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Old 4th January 2018, 4:25 AM   #20
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Originally Posted by MilesTruelove View Post

Could there realistically be any other reasons she would want to wait? She claims that I said very cruel things to her when we broke up. I was angry and regret being that way. Could it maybe be that she just needs more time? Or perhaps more space? These are legit questions from me as I am quite baffled and really am having trouble with how to proceed. Maybe she is rebounding. She is not good at being alone and I am really not sure what her support system is at .
YES. There could be another reason. LS posters love to assume and are quite accurate in many cases concerning nailing charters, but not EVERYONE who leaves a relationship and “needs time” is a cheater.

I will give you my personal circumstance. I was unhappy on and off a long time in a year and a half long relationship (now almost 2yrs). When I finally ended it I felt better for a minute, like a weight had been lifted.. that feeling didn’t last. Long story short, there was no other guy, but I wanted to know what was on the other side. (I had dated other guys but never been so serious...also very attached to X but hoped I’d find someone I liked better so I could leave him easier). This story doesn’t look great on ME but it’s my honest truth where no, there was no other guy, but I DID tell X I needed “space before considering getting back”. And this was just me being lonely and hoping I would learn to be ok so I wouldn’t go back, but keeping him around in case-which I assumed-i wanted him back. I was thrashing around trying to stay away all the while knowing I would probably end up going back. And I did.. lol. It was great for a couple months.. then a cluster F again. *eye roll*

In hindsight, I wish I would have given it more time before reuniting, even though *I* dumped HIM, I still went back, and I still wish I had done things differently. If there’s any advice I can give you in your situation, is give it time. Yes you love the heck out of her!! But the way she acted at the end of your relationship won’t just magically switch back off if y’all get back together. That side of her will be there! So be careful with your own feelings. Take your time with this decision... be true to yourself and make sure you make a decision based off what will make you happy
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Old 4th January 2018, 4:28 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by MilesTruelove View Post
Well, she is still messaging me with some frequency. She got the flu last week and missed three days of work so we did not end up going out as she had stated. I messaged her to see how she was doing over the weekend and she said that she is slowly getting better. Anyways, last night I asked her if she wanted to go out on a date with me some time this week and she stated that she would "check her schedule" when she is back at work and get back to me.

I am very confused by this girl. She broke up with me. The hard part has been done. She knows what I want. Why not just tell me to take a hike? Am I being strung along? Is she playing games? Is this a good sign?
Kept reading and I agree with others. “Other man” or not, she’s stringing you along and this is exactly why most people heal better when going NC. May be time for you to start that..
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Old 4th January 2018, 9:11 AM   #22
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Bottom line here. You are looking for finality. A one woman for the ages relationship...Her, not so much! You were together for 4 years and all ready for the wedding. Then, BLAMO! She ejects from the relationship and claims it was "stress" or what not. You want to believe this, it is your security blanket. No one could be that malicious right?!
But in the end, it doesn't even matter. When someone is going through stress and depression or Life as most of us like to call it. We grow closer to the ones we love and lean on them for support. We don't as humans jump ship the first sign of trouble.
And there it is....She is trouble. You deserve better. And there are, way better people waiting for you to invest your time in.
When you look at the past relationships, hind sight over time is very revealing. It shows us our weakness and vulnerability, gives us clarity in good and bad. When you look at THIS relationship, you see the good and you love that. But you also need to see the bad, and how this would've played out in a marriage or LTR in the long run.
Like Blues said, if she goes through all this **** testing while you are the plan b, what happens when real life catches up and you think you are plan a?

You have your choice, respect yourself and move on. Or, play along in the hopes that she gets an epiphany and self awareness that is lacking right now.
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Old 4th January 2018, 10:04 AM   #23
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I know you can't or don't want to believe that their was someone ese- so let's pretend to elimante the cheating aspect.
You have a perfect relationship from what you say- and it isn't a short term relationship- you've dated for years and live togeather and are about to tie the knot.
Then out of nowhere she needs to take a break- stress or whatever she came up with. How much sense does that make?
And let's assume you get back with her. What happens if you end up getting married and she gets stressed? She gonna cut you lose while she sorts things out? Put your marriage on hold?
She's basically a flight risk. Instead of talking to you about potential problems she cuts and runs. Worse their isn't any signs for you to look for.
Ive seen this MANY TIMES. Had it done to ME after seeing it done to people I know.
I'm not saying don't take her back. What I'm telling you is when you talk with her make her back up her excuse for leaving you. Don't let her say it was just stress- make her validate her reasons.
I think then you'll know.
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Old 4th January 2018, 10:10 AM   #24
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And I will tell you from experience that if they KNOW they cancer back with you they will walk all over you.
As BSD as it hurts as much as you don't want to you have to give her the impression that you DONT have to take her back.
By begging and contacting her- which is normal when you miss someone-your sending a message that her behaviour is ACCEPTED by you. And that's setting up the relationship to not last.
She doesn't want to be with you fine she doesn't get to be a part of your life. In any way.
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Old 4th January 2018, 12:04 PM   #25
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Her job is getting progressively worse and she has just learned that she has $2.5k in medical debt from a recent doctor's visit. She has been contacting me pretty consistently in the last twenty-four hours stating that there is a lot of uncertainty in her life and she is worried. I have done my best to be supportive of her but to keep an emotional distance...which has been hard. She has contacted me nearly a dozen times since she said she would "check her schedule" for the date that I proposed.
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Old 4th January 2018, 12:11 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by Jdoublenn View Post
YES. There could be another reason. LS posters love to assume and are quite accurate in many cases concerning nailing charters, but not EVERYONE who leaves a relationship and “needs time” is a cheater.

I will give you my personal circumstance. I was unhappy on and off a long time in a year and a half long relationship (now almost 2yrs). When I finally ended it I felt better for a minute, like a weight had been lifted.. that feeling didn’t last. Long story short, there was no other guy, but I wanted to know what was on the other side. (I had dated other guys but never been so serious...also very attached to X but hoped I’d find someone I liked better so I could leave him easier). This story doesn’t look great on ME but it’s my honest truth where no, there was no other guy, but I DID tell X I needed “space before considering getting back”. And this was just me being lonely and hoping I would learn to be ok so I wouldn’t go back, but keeping him around in case-which I assumed-i wanted him back. I was thrashing around trying to stay away all the while knowing I would probably end up going back. And I did.. lol. It was great for a couple months.. then a cluster F again. *eye roll*

In hindsight, I wish I would have given it more time before reuniting, even though *I* dumped HIM, I still went back, and I still wish I had done things differently. If there’s any advice I can give you in your situation, is give it time. Yes you love the heck out of her!! But the way she acted at the end of your relationship won’t just magically switch back off if y’all get back together. That side of her will be there! So be careful with your own feelings. Take your time with this decision... be true to yourself and make sure you make a decision based off what will make you happy
Thank you for your post. I do feel that many here are making a logical argument. And I am bracing myself for the reality that she left me for someone else and that has not worked out so now she wants what she had back. As much as I want her back, I really want her back and I want it to work. Clearly for it to work, we need to be on the same page and we cannot be on the same page if she is not being honest with me.

Can I ask more about your situation if you do not mind? What led to the breakup? Did the same problems that did not get addressed creep back into the relationship on the second-go-round?
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Old 4th January 2018, 1:11 PM   #27
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Originally Posted by BarbedFenceRider View Post
Bottom line here. You are looking for finality. A one woman for the ages relationship...Her, not so much! You were together for 4 years and all ready for the wedding. Then, BLAMO! She ejects from the relationship and claims it was "stress" or what not. You want to believe this, it is your security blanket. No one could be that malicious right?!
But in the end, it doesn't even matter. When someone is going through stress and depression or Life as most of us like to call it. We grow closer to the ones we love and lean on them for support. We don't as humans jump ship the first sign of trouble.
And there it is....She is trouble. You deserve better. And there are, way better people waiting for you to invest your time in.
When you look at the past relationships, hind sight over time is very revealing. It shows us our weakness and vulnerability, gives us clarity in good and bad. When you look at THIS relationship, you see the good and you love that. But you also need to see the bad, and how this would've played out in a marriage or LTR in the long run.
Like Blues said, if she goes through all this **** testing while you are the plan b, what happens when real life catches up and you think you are plan a?

You have your choice, respect yourself and move on. Or, play along in the hopes that she gets an epiphany and self awareness that is lacking right now.
We do seem to be approaching this from different planes. We both claim to want to reconcile but one of us - the dumper - needs time first.

Uncertainty and the unknown are killing me right now. I do respect myself and I do want to move beyond this. I am not going to be sucked down into a rabbit hole. At the same time, a piece of me cannot let go of what he had thinking that it can be regained if I only I can make some sense out of this. She keeps tossing me scraps and I keep going after them.
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Old 4th January 2018, 3:49 PM   #28
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Her words are telling you one thing (and not very clear at that) and her actions are showing the opposite. I went through this with my ex 3 months after NC and was strung along til I finally ended it for good. There was no second chance, only hope on my part which i finally got pissed at myself and wacked myself on the head in order to stop being a dumbass. Hence my screen name. All you can do is try and let them know where you stand and back the heck away and if they come back full on wanting to try again (actions not just words) then you've got your second chance. You need to have boundaries and not be tolerant of the wishy washy crap like you're getting.
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Old 5th January 2018, 4:41 AM   #29
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Let's leave out the equation "Is there another guy?"... it's 50%-50%, OK? (more like 70%-30% in favor of the other guy)

But I think that you're missing some important issues here. First, in my eyes, to cancel a wedding is a brutal act, 10 times more than any other issue in a relationship (except violence). So, she is the one who should appologize to you. She is the one who MUST work very hard to prove that she deserves being married to you.

Why would you ever take a woman who has the character to throw everthing away, when life becomes a little harder? It means a great deal about her nature, and about her commitment. It means that you can never rely on that woman, because I can assure you - Life with a family is very demanding and includes hard times. She has a very light hand on the trigger. RED FLAG!

In order to get you back she need to be desperate with 1000% motivation. You, with your attitude, make it very easy for her + you avoid making this test to see if she's worthy. Make a 180 turn. Tell her that you have thought about it, and you are very hurt from her canceling the wedding, so you find it hard to trust her, and you need space to think about the whole thing.

If she starts chacing after you, at least you know she wants you (it doesn't solve the deep main issue). If she doesn't, it means that you mean very little to her. This 180 turn is an important test.

Last edited by lolablue17; 5th January 2018 at 4:44 AM..
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Old 9th January 2018, 12:04 PM   #30
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update

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Originally Posted by lolablue17 View Post
Let's leave out the equation "Is there another guy?"... it's 50%-50%, OK? (more like 70%-30% in favor of the other guy)

But I think that you're missing some important issues here. First, in my eyes, to cancel a wedding is a brutal act, 10 times more than any other issue in a relationship (except violence). So, she is the one who should appologize to you. She is the one who MUST work very hard to prove that she deserves being married to you.

Why would you ever take a woman who has the character to throw everthing away, when life becomes a little harder? It means a great deal about her nature, and about her commitment. It means that you can never rely on that woman, because I can assure you - Life with a family is very demanding and includes hard times. She has a very light hand on the trigger. RED FLAG!

In order to get you back she need to be desperate with 1000% motivation. You, with your attitude, make it very easy for her + you avoid making this test to see if she's worthy. Make a 180 turn. Tell her that you have thought about it, and you are very hurt from her canceling the wedding, so you find it hard to trust her, and you need space to think about the whole thing.

If she starts chacing after you, at least you know she wants you (it doesn't solve the deep main issue). If she doesn't, it means that you mean very little to her. This 180 turn is an important test.
I agree with you. I know that I have made it easier for her. I am always there when she reaches out to me. And she has been reaching out to me a good bit lately. We have talked about going out twice in the last twenty days but it never materializes into anything. Yet she keeps sending me memes, asking about my day, telling me about problems within her life as they are unfolding, etc, etc all the while knowing how I feel about her. It seems very unfair from my perspective. If I let someone go and I knew that they wanted to get back together with me, I would further reiterate that there is no future for a relationship...yet she agrees to my dates and says she is open to reconciling.

I think that she has FINALLY picked up on the fact that I am growing impatient being in this limboland. Last night she sent me a text saying, "I have not been ignoring certain things. I have been working on writing you a letter. I am trying to be articulate and the topic is so big and long that it's taking a good bit of time. You will get this in a day or two. I am glad that you liked my status. "

The way I see it, there are three likely and obvious things that could happen (and these are not necessarily in the order of likelihood):
1. She will say that she is ready to reconcile.
2. She will say that she needs more time.
3. She will tell me to get lost.

I am leaning between the first two, most likely the second one. She has broken up with me but reaches out nearly every day. She also accepted a date with me knowing what my intentions were. If it is the first one, I am sure that will come with some goodies attached to it, hence the length of the letter and the length of time it is taking her to write it.

It is impossible for me to simply cease loving her or caring about her. I always will. Being in a relationship with her is another matter. If it is option two or option three, I am going to take a huge step back from this whole thing and make it very clear to her that I am here for her, but I cannot be in limbo and I cannot simply be friends with her as my feelings are too strong, that contact will need to be low to non-existent for a long time unless anything changes with her. I need to begin the process of healing and letting go.
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