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Playing with fire here... But my heart feels excited.


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

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Old 14th December 2017, 4:07 AM   #1
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Playing with fire here... But my heart feels excited.

So i posted a similar post in response to someone else in the 'how are you coping' thread, but I kind of wanted to make a post here too. Don't worry, I totally, totally expect to get a lot of 'well you're an idiot' comments, but heck, what can I do? My heart is ALL for him.

Im not sure I have a whole backstory for anyone to look back on and update themselves so heres a quick recap.
Jan 2016 we met. He was amazing. All about me in every way possible. He was the type to show me off to his friends, post about me on social media, get up when were both comfy in bed just bc i mention a bag of chips sounded good (you know, the little things...) All his lifelong friends said they had never seen him like this with anyone.-former party boy who just went girl to girl, never really caring much for one in particular... His one major vice came out quick though. He would get drunk and get MEAN. Yelling, accusing, the whole 9 yards. Im not a yeller or arguer in that way by ANY means, so I would sit back and let him get it all out, and then try to reason. Of course it always ended bad, I felt like ****, he apologized the next day(more excessively at first..and then just bc he felt he had to*eye roll*) and SWORE he would work on his drinking and stop doing it.

Well because of that one huge vice, I pretty much felt like I had a foot out the door the whole year and a half. I never cheated, although if I'm being honest I probably had an eye out some of the time. Who knows, maybe someone better would've come around while I was being too much of a baby to actually end it with him. We had a couple real close calls in that time, but I'm never one to call it quits the second things get rough, so I stuck it out. To literally the point where I finally was brave enough to end it BUT still let him live with me(he had nowhere to go). That got so hard on both of us he started publicly terrorizing me at a bar with MANY mutual friends. We were a dang soap opera for a couple weeks. Getting drunk and arguing in public in front of our poor friends---talk about embarrassing... He was hurting and wanted to hurt me. Finally he moved for a job and it was perfect. I had my space and didn't have to run into him either.
In that space, I had a couple ONS(trying to move on physically and emotionally) pretty soon after, but I had mentally checked out so long before it didn't feel so bad.. Not long after I started to realize he was ALL I wanted. Like I literally did not know what to do and felt like an idiot for even thinking about it after all the drama.. We talked for a couple months and I went to visit several times, things seemed SO different. In short, I noticed some huge changes and we decided to get back together. I moved up there to him... 2 dogs, 2 horses, my life. The first big fight we get in, a month later, he tries to threaten that maybe I should move home after that job was over.. I said 'ok I'll be gone tomorrow' and left. We kept talking after that... He begged me to come back etc but the damage was done..

The cold, *******, narcissistic ways came out along with a whole lot of gaslighting all of a sudden. It was maybe a month of that and I was ruined. He was a completely different person and I was different too(allowing him to change the story and let me blame myself for things I never did).

Then one day when I tell him I wished we could work things out, that, I love him still etc, he shoves this rebound chick in my face...saying 'well Im talking to someone new now so you wont hear from me again'. Clearly to push me away and it worked, I stayed gone.

He texted me a week after this and "checks in" (still not done with this chick)so I ream his a** and tell him to leave me alone, that I'm done for good and that I don't need to be "checked in on....ever"...


AND NOW:
Another week goes by and he texts me bc he's in the town we lived together and wants to get his stuff out of my house(I'm in CA now, the house is in TX, so I still haven't see him). I was a total d*ck to him at first. He was NOT about to get an easy 'ok sure' out of me now that he wanted to be nice...But he just kept saying "I want to talk...can we please just talk... Im not with her I just want to be ok with you.... even if you moved on and are happy I just want you to be happy...it would make me happy if I could have another chance though.. or I'll disappear if you want and leave you alone forever.. just know Im so sorry.." And the breakdown from me ensued. "why now?? I ask... why did you do all this sh*t to me" and he genuinely wanted to talk and apologize for everything and actually sit and have a conversation about it. Not the 'ok sorry' and brush it off like he had done the past month.

So it all seems really quick but he's only off for 10 days for the holidays, and then goes back to working 6 days a week for 8 months straight. So although very, very soon, we're planning Xmas and New Years together... I mean... I feel SCARED. Don't get me wrong... But also I've come to know him over the past 2 years and we lived together since month 1, so I have seen several of his sides and feel safe with it. Happy, even.

This is the 'safe' side.. where he really is talking genuine and wanting to work on things. He's not playing games or being a narc, trying to make me 'do' anything... So whatever, i'm doing it! I'll see where the next month or so goes, and i'm excited. My guard is up... WAY up... my heart feels happy I think.. Hopeful. I have told him time after time it'll take a LOT of work, and him proving himself, for us to ever try and get back where we were. He says he's all in but I know only time will tell.



Second question here... Ive been talking to a guy I met on a dating app about a week and a half ago, and had full intentions of wanting to hang out and see where it goes... Now I know I need to stop this.... I would never lead him on knowing i'm talking to X again..(or do that to X). But i also don't want to just straight up tell him i'm talking to X again and feel like an idiot. I need to let him know we should stop talking but he deserves better than being ghosted. What should I say?

Last edited by Jdoublenn; 14th December 2017 at 4:31 AM..
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Old 14th December 2017, 5:53 PM   #2
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Well, you are walking back into a relationship that is clearly abusive, but as far as telling you not to do it, as doomed as your relationship with your ex is, it sounds like that ship has sailed. The heart wants what it wants and trying to reason with someone who wants to go back to someone despite all logic, is about hopeless, so good luck to you. I guess.

You need to tell this new guy that you can't meet up with him after all because your ex is back in the picture. Even if it will make you look like an idiot because you bad-mouthed ex to New Guy. And you should take your dating profiles down--as you are clearly NOT at all ready to date.

Meanwhile you should STOP talking about your ex to new guys. They don't want to hear it.
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Old 14th December 2017, 5:56 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Imajerk17 View Post
Well, you are walking back into a relationship that is clearly abusive, but as far as telling you not to do it, as doomed as your relationship with your ex is, it sounds like that ship has sailed. The heart wants what it wants and trying to reason with someone who wants to go back to someone despite all logic, is about hopeless, so good luck to you. I guess.

You need to tell this new guy that you can't meet up with him after all because your ex is back in the picture. And you should take your dating profiles down--as you are clearly NOT at all ready to date.
They were deleted already lol. I tend to get bored of them after a few days everytime and delete. 😂
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Old 16th December 2017, 9:47 AM   #4
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jdoublenn,

Tell your new interest that you are not currently ready to date. Let him know that if he's still available when you are, you will contact him.

As per your ex, if you are serious about getting back together, trying again, focus on this, but be cautious and steady. He wants to get back together, let HIM show YOU and be more demanding/restrictive and vocal about what you require. Don't be a b*tch about it, but make him show you the money, as the saying goes.
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Old 16th December 2017, 10:07 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by simpleNfit View Post
jdoublenn,

Tell your new interest that you are not currently ready to date. Let him know that if he's still available when you are, you will contact him.

As per your ex, if you are serious about getting back together, trying again, focus on this, but be cautious and steady. He wants to get back together, let HIM show YOU and be more demanding/restrictive and vocal about what you require. Don't be a b*tch about it, but make him show you the money, as the saying goes.
This is the text I sent OLD guy:
"Full disclosure. Ive kinda been weird lately bc my ex has been coming around again, and in dealing with that, I just donít feel emotionally solid enough for anything else. I feel weird even wording it out to you since weíve just been chatting but I didnít want to seem like a flake, so I figured id just be honest."
He was really cool. Said "no worries, I figured lol"

With X i definitely have my guard up, and my heart is feeling happy in waves.. scared if i made the right decision, relieved that we're talking again. I feel happy though, overall. Im definitely letting him 'show me the money' as you said. I think he knows its time for him to prove he really wants to try and work on our issues rather than just telling me that in the beginning, and settling back to his old ways in a month. I know our vacation wont be very telling bc we're both going to go back to our 'honeymoon phase' where we are just appreciating time together again. The month of January I think will be extremely telling...

Thank you for replying :]
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Old 6th January 2018, 9:32 PM   #6
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UPDATE:

Ahahahahahaha im so stupid.

He flew out here and the arguments started 4 days later. Had a decent vacation with him; it wasn’t awful. But 3 arguments and me walking on eggshells most of the time, and finally just feeling “over it” and wanting him to just go, turned me off for the whole deal. Here’s he fun part. He tricked me into pulling a cash advance out of my credit card by saying he’ll pay it back in 2 days when he can transfer his savings over. (I have great credit but don’t have a lot of money in my bank currently bc of recent events.. as in moving across the country for him and back when it ended the next month). He makes $3k a week and was supposed to have a decent savings (upwards of $15k) but couldn’t access the exchange because of the holiday weekend. So I take over $1200-including fees-out in 2 days. As long as it’s paid back quickly, no biggie-I have a $10k limit on my card so we’re hardly even touching that.

The day after New Year’s Day I drop him at the airport all is good. 2 days later he drops the bomb that he can only pay me back half. HALF of what he owes because suddenly he “has no money”. So he either lied about his savings and tricked me into taking the money for him to gamble anyways, or he’s lying about what he has and just wants to pay me back when he feels like it. Im livid, shaking. How the HELL does someone go through over $15k in two weeks off of work — and why?? He makes so much, how hard is it to save?? Either way this gave me a huge hint that he’s nowhere ready for a family or anything of the sort of he can’t even figure out how to save when he makes more money than most people I know!!

Meanwhile the stupid “cash advance” has my credit card charging daily fees and interest until its paid back, and the $600 he sends does **** for that... In typical narc style he throws a huge fit at me being upset and suddenly it’s my fault for “nagging” him and that I should to leave him alone about it or he won’t give me a dime. I throw back, I better get my money or I’ll be selling every f*cking thing he has in the house we lived in together, in TX. I don’t stop there bc I’m just so upset and feel tricked, scammed, lied to by someone who never gave me any reason not to trust him when it came to money. (Now I see I’ll always be let down; and in a new way everytime)

Broke down to my mom asking for the money so I can pay off that part of my card and of course she’s more than willing. I felt so stupid.. She knows I don’t usually make such awful decisions when it comes to my money, and being a girl who had a $20k savings for manny many years, never touching it until I absolutely had to, she knows I’m responsible-just in a bad spot. I’m so so upset at myself at this point.

After being a total p*ssed off B to him, he finally says he’ll pay me the rest in 2 weeks. (Again, he gets paid weekly, wtf) I didn’t fight him on that but when he texts me later wanting to talk and act like everything’s normal I let him know it’s not. He has the nerve(stupidity) to ask “do you think we’re gonna make it” and I reply with “does it matter? You lied to me to trick me into fueling your gambling addiction. I had to ask my parents for the money you owe so my credit isn’t f*cked since I don’t have to cash to pay it back and can’t wait two weeks. You KNOW I wouldn’t have taken all that money out if I knew you couldn’t pay it back either. Honestly, I lost all trust in you earlier today, there’s no point in anything”. He pretends that’s the answer he was looking for of course and acts like he’s done too. *eye roll*

So yay me!! Not only did I let him back into my life, which was a waste, but now I’m even more screwed than I was before!! Cool. Lesson learned.
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Old 9th January 2018, 4:06 AM   #7
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That sounds excruciatingly painful what you had to go through to me. I hope you can find peace. Your ex sounds like me as far as the drunken anger. Just really happened more then it should, until this last one like you she has ended it and wants to be apart, I just dont know yet if it is permament or not. She only indicated we need to be apart and said we will see. I donít blame her I truely screwed up our relationship. But I realized my faults rather quickly and I am going to seriously fix my issues including counseling. She means the whole world to me but I need to fix myself for the better. It sounds like he had clarity at times but it wasnt real in a way or he didn't follow through.

The one thing I am concerned about in my situation is the ONS, like if it went like yours after the first break. That would ****ing kill me, I would have to know and I could never touch her again, regardless of how much I love her. It would eat at me.
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