Ex started talking to me 3 years later

[joao]

So about 2 weeks ago, my ex started talking to me again. We did not end on good terms, although it was a mutual split.

 

We are now talking everyday and with have got intimate with texting. She seems to be much more open and seems to trust me more.. Even had wet dreams with me..

We have already scheduled a sort of date, i’m just scared that she wants only a hookup..

 

I only have doubts because this was and is the only girl that has ever gotten into my head and i’m afraid i’ll fall for her when that wasn't the idea.

 

We are both older and much more mature (at least i am in terms of relationships) and i really do think she’s interested in me i just don’t know in which way.

 

You guys have any tips?

[Shanex]

An ex girlfriend did that to me many moons back and she started talking as yours do about how much I was great in bed and we were sexually compatible.

 

I dont know if thats a tip but it indicate in both cases that they want a hookup because they are feeling lonely, drunk or horny. Or the all three. Women sometimes also have the ''weakness'' to break a long No Contact to know whats up with you, if you arent in jail or something.

 

My guts tells me that your ex wants a hookup with you. Its up to you to decide if you agree, or if you are afraid of ''falling'' again, to not go for this ride.

[joao]

An ex girlfriend did that to me many moons back and she started talking as yours do about how much I was great in bed and we were sexually compatible.

 

I dont know if thats a tip but it indicate in both cases that they want a hookup because they are feeling lonely, drunk or horny. Or the all three. Women sometimes also have the ''weakness'' to break a long No Contact to know whats up with you, if you arent in jail or something.

 

My guts tells me that your ex wants a hookup with you. Its up to you to decide if you agree, or if you are afraid of ''falling'' again, to not go for this ride.

Yeah i thought about that.. the thing is she wants to try some things she has never done before with anyone and asks me loads of questions about my personal life (where i avoid answering some) and she seems really interested and caring, which scares the hell out of me.

I am very split in what her actual idea is..

 

Thanks a lot for the reply!

[joao]

Do you think i'll ever have a shot of a second chance?

[trustyourself]

Hmmmm. This is a tough one.

 

It sounds like you are still emotionally attached even after all this time? Or have the feelings come back since you have been in contact?

 

If you meet up with her, it sounds like you will end up sleeping together. The question is, are you both on the same page. The only way to find out is to ask? I would not get intimate if you are looking for more and she is not. You will just get hurt. But, maybe she wants something more, or it could build towards something more?

 

Tough situation brother.

 

As to your last question, you might have a second chance. It really depends on how you play your cards. If you can be confident in yourself, and not get to clingy or pressure her.

[Shanex]

Its one of these situations when only the person (your ex) breaking NC know better. The rest we can only speculate. Also it depend how you will handle this too.

[joao]

Yes no other girl has ever got to me like this one..

 

I am pretty sure we will sleep together, what got to me is her actually be willing to try things she has never let anyone do with her just because she says "she trusts me".

 

She does also refer to taking care of me and seems very sentimental about it, avoids some more sensitive topics which i don't push ofc.

 

In these situations i am very solid and confident in her presence.

I only "break down" or start overthinking when i am alone.

 

Thanks for the replies!

[marky00]

Yeah i thought about that.. the thing is she wants to try some things she has never done before with anyone and asks me loads of questions about my personal life (where i avoid answering some) and she seems really interested and caring, which scares the hell out of me.

I am very split in what her actual idea is..

 

Thanks a lot for the reply!

 

Actually, its only when she starts telling you about her personal life .... then it might mean that she is thinking of a reconciliation or at least likes you for good reasons.

 

When they ask about you but don't offer stuff about them, it means they aren't vulnerable and thus the contact is more about, ego and/or guilt etc.

 

Me and my ex went for about 9 years, most of that was a LDR. Anyway, was an awful breakup. We didn't speak for a year or so and then for all of this year she has been bread crumbing me every few weeks. All up she has contacted me about 15 times and only one time in middle of year did i respond with a "what is it you want to say". Otherwise I never broke NC because even though her contact was the most respectful its been in years, she wasn't telling me stuff about what was going on with her life and her emotions etc. Basically didn't seem to be vulnerable so there really is no point speaking to her.

 

The only way you will know exactly where she is coming from is if you keep offering nothing at all. Make it known to her that your not really interested in divulging stuff about your personal life (No, do not actually tell her that, just create a solid boundary where you only offer limited info).

 

Her asking about you is only about relieving guilt or stroking her ego. Until she starts telling you personal stuff about her, especially regarding her emotions, this is a train wreck waiting to happen if you entertain this.

Edited December 11, 2017 by marky00

[joao]

Actually, its only when she starts telling you about her personal life .... then it might mean that she is thinking of a reconciliation or at least likes you for good reasons.

 

When they ask about you but don't offer stuff about them, it means they aren't vulnerable and thus the contact is more about, ego and/or guilt etc.

 

Me and my ex went for about 9 years, most of that was a LDR. Anyway, was an awful breakup. We didn't speak for a year or so and then for all of this year she has been bread crumbing me every few weeks. All up she has contacted me about 15 times and only one time in middle of year did i respond with a "what is it you want to say". Otherwise I never broke NC because even though her contact was the most respectful its been in years, she wasn't telling me stuff about what was going on with her life and her emotions etc. Basically didn't seem to be vulnerable so there really is no point speaking to her.

 

The only way you will know exactly where she is coming from is if you keep offering nothing at all. Make it known to her that your not really interested in divulging stuff about your personal life (No, do not actually tell her that, just create a solid boundary where you only offer limited info).

 

Her asking about you is only about relieving guilt or stroking her ego. Until she starts telling you personal stuff about her, especially regarding her emotions, this is a train wreck waiting to happen if you entertain this.

wow.. yeah i see what you are getting at.. She was never a person of sharing a lot about herself, always more discrete about it. Although i do remember her telling me some deep **** about her (but this was before).. Now she is more on the vulnerable side, she's much more willing to deposit trust in me. But it's probably me making a big deal of a hookup, i guess the only way to find out is actually talking to her in person.

 

It just pisses me off that when we broke up, she actually broke down crying and thats where i got to see her vulnerable side and i think there was never a healthy ending to this story.

 

This is just a big mess, i will meet up with her and try to understand what signs she is transmitting to me. I just get so stupid and indecisive when it comes to her.

[marky00]

wow.. yeah i see what you are getting at.. She was never a person of sharing a lot about herself, always more discrete about it. Although i do remember her telling me some deep **** about her (but this was before).. Now she is more on the vulnerable side, she's much more willing to deposit trust in me. But it's probably me making a big deal of a hookup, i guess the only way to find out is actually talking to her in person.

 

It just pisses me off that when we broke up, she actually broke down crying and thats where i got to see her vulnerable side and i think there was never a healthy ending to this story.

 

This is just a big mess, i will meet up with her and try to understand what signs she is transmitting to me. I just get so stupid and indecisive when it comes to her.

 

same with my ex,

 

I went to visit my ex in her country. she left me alone in a hotel for most of the holiday because she met someone else and didn't want to face me I guess.

 

She did agree to finally meet. We had been together for 9 years or so.

 

Anyway, when we met, I found a strength in me and held myself quite well. Mean while, she was literally crying her eyes out.

 

Definitely messes with your head but I guess I have learnt in life that there is no RULE of the way things should happen. Even if it makes zero sense, we just have to accept things went down the way they did.

[marky00]

 

This is just a big mess, i will meet up with her and try to understand what signs she is transmitting to me. I just get so stupid and indecisive when it comes to her.

 

you are right its a mess but trust me when I say that asking her to explain what her reasons are etc is a huge waste of time. I guess you could sit back and watch her body language. If you feel up to that, that is

 

something about post break-up, dumpers use words a lot that often aren't even truthful.

 

actions speak louder than words. ALWAYS.

 

this is why i said before, you might as well stick with No Contact. Then she will be forced to act or not but at least you will have something more concrete to go on.

 

and when you do go NO Contact. Don't tell her your doing it, just do it. Has a much stronger effect. Shows her you don't need her validation.

Edited December 11, 2017 by marky00

[joao]

I will keep my eye out and try to understand what i can from her, she has always expressed more physically and through actions than actually through words or texts..

 

I always see No contact as a possibility although with this girl, probably i'd hear again from her in 3 years

 

She didn't dump me, i actually did the talking and said things weren't working out, she agreed and then got all emotional.. It only hit me like a week later.

 

I was such a foolish kid, always trying to control her, no wonder things went through the sh itter

 

I appreciate a lot your replies!

[marky00]

oh that is interesting,

 

that fact you dumped her definitely makes a difference.

 

as the dumpee it also makes total sense that she is holding her cards closely to her chest.

[joao]

oh that is interesting,

 

that fact you dumped her definitely makes a difference.

 

as the dumpee it also makes total sense that she is holding her cards closely to her chest.

It was more like a mutual consent, we both knew it wasn't working out anymore i was constantly nagging her, being jealous, getting mad.. (i was exactly the type of person i'd hate to go out with). I just manned up one day took her out to the park we used to hang out a lot of the time and said it. We both departed our own ways a week later i tried getting back with her where she refused, and about a month later we were both drunk wandering about and got real intimate until her cousin didn't let her go through with anything that night.. and that was all she wrote.

 

Now it's like i told you she texted me and we haven't stop talking for a bit more than 2 weeks..

It's hard to predict, i just always had the thought on the back of my mind that this never ended well and that she wanted much more than what we had and it still gets to me everytime :/

[marky00]

I get ya man.

 

Even though mine was almost 9 years, as an LDR, kinda felt like we had only gone half way up the mountain.

 

I think its when both people walking away wondering what COULD have happened that makes it harder. My relationship was strained with the distance and issues external to the relationship that drive people more apart when your already miles apart in physical terms

 

Sure it would suck if a marriage with kids ends. But I think the "what ifs" in those cases can be less which might prove to be a comfort to some.