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8 year relationship - complicated cheating situation


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Old 11th December 2017, 7:02 AM   #1
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8 year relationship - complicated cheating situation

Hello All,

I am in need of serious help. My gf and i have been together for 8 years and I found out that she cheated on me. This isn't as your typical cheating type relationship.

She was living with another female and one male. The male roommate is a douche kept trying to hook up with her and at the time I wanted to tell him something but didn't want to cause any problems since she had no other place to go. She made it clear that she wasn't interested because she was in a vulnerable stage of our rocky relationship. However, he continued to make subtle remarks after she explicitly said no.

Reason why she was in vulnerable stage is because I couldn't commit as much time in nurturing the relationship the previous months. As a newly employed young guy, I was too glued to my job which put me in a different mood state. When some areas were lacking, she started to develop superficial feeling for the roomate.

Finally one day, one thing lead to another and they had sex. This is not of her character at all and the guy was such a douche for taking advantage of the situation. Looking back, I think i am part at fault as well as my gf. On her end, she did say many times to the guy she has a bf and to leave her alone.

After reading a lot of articles some have suggested to break up if a partner cheats but then I found another which clearly explained why a person cheats . (which was true in my situation and she even admitted) Some say situations like these make a relationship stronger while other disagree.

I really love my gf and don't want to lose her. I don't know how to improve the situation. She regrets it and feels dumb and has agreed to stay in no contact with him. I am upset and feel betrayed but would like to work it out.

I'd appreciate your thoughts. this is late night post sorry about grammar

*Edit we have had a problem similar to this in the past with me not providing too much attention but I fixed it, it only started to develop with my knowing after I got a new job so I was trying to balance things out.

Last edited by baro; 11th December 2017 at 7:13 AM..
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Old 11th December 2017, 1:20 PM   #2
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baro,

I don't care what you've read or how much this guy persisted, the fact of the matter is, your gf gave in and VOLUNTARILY had sex with this interloper. Can you imagine the excuses we ALL, both men and women, would be telling one another for their indiscretions to help justify them?!

Your gf cheated b/c she felt neglected. She was in a relationship with you. Your reasons, according to your post, for neglecting her was b/c you were working to move on with a new job and wanted to devote your time to it. You didn't cheat. You didn't break it off. She didn't break it off.

I don't know, but you really need to stop putting blame on yourself for HER cheating. You may have read somewhere of the reasons for cheating, but remember that these people do so VOLUNTARILY. If things were THAT bad, she should have broken up or you should have.

You say you love her. Ok. Isn't it funny how we are re-reminded of that 'love' or affection AFTER we've screwed up? I don't know whether you should dump her, but you should have a face to face and get some answers as to why she cheated. Ask HER why SHE cheated. From there, if there is any chance of reconciliation, she needs to move out or that guy does.

Good luck.
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Old 11th December 2017, 1:38 PM   #3
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I don't believe in staying with someone who cheats. Not your fault so stop blaming yourself. Trust is gone. You can forgive but never forget. I sense you will probably stay with her. At the very very least, as suggested, she must move out of that living situation if you are to try and move past this and continue to try with her. If she makes excuses and doesn't fully embrace moving out, then end the relationship.
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Old 11th December 2017, 2:11 PM   #4
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I believe people can have a moment of weakness or make a mistake. I guess at least she was honest with you about her indiscretion.

But... She is living with this dude still? How can she be NC with him living in the same quarters? Not going to happen.

That situation needs to change, and she needs to make all the effort to prove she can be trusted again. My personal opinion is once you break that trust, there is no going back (at least in the immediate sense).

I think you should ask her for some time to think things over. You are in a very emotional state right now, and your love for her may be clouding your judgement.

You will go crazy if she continues to live with the guy. Every time she says she is staying home for the night, or is not with you, you will likely be wondering what is going on. Not good.

I am glad you realize the areas where you need to improve. But please please please remember, she is at fault here. She needs to fix this.

Good luck brother.
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Old 11th December 2017, 3:17 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by simpleNfit View Post
baro,

I don't care what you've read or how much this guy persisted, the fact of the matter is, your gf gave in and VOLUNTARILY had sex with this interloper. Can you imagine the excuses we ALL, both men and women, would be telling one another for their indiscretions to help justify them?!

Your gf cheated b/c she felt neglected. She was in a relationship with you. Your reasons, according to your post, for neglecting her was b/c you were working to move on with a new job and wanted to devote your time to it. You didn't cheat. You didn't break it off. She didn't break it off.

I don't know, but you really need to stop putting blame on yourself for HER cheating. You may have read somewhere of the reasons for cheating, but remember that these people do so VOLUNTARILY. If things were THAT bad, she should have broken up or you should have.

You say you love her. Ok. Isn't it funny how we are re-reminded of that 'love' or affection AFTER we've screwed up? I don't know whether you should dump her, but you should have a face to face and get some answers as to why she cheated. Ask HER why SHE cheated. From there, if there is any chance of reconciliation, she needs to move out or that guy does.

Good luck.
Thanks simpleNfit

I had the conversation with her and she does feel like an idiot taken advantage of. At the time when I warned her, she reassured me multiple times and was blindsided. However, one day it just happened and she gave in because she saw characteristics in him that I lacked. The feelings obviously developed over time and made her confused and extremely vulnerable. (Not defending her but stating the facts because she is a very emotional person vs me I am a bit more closed with my emotions at times) So things like affection or openness which I couldn't provide caused her to look elsewhere.

He is in no way a better looking man or have something to offer. She already has agreed to move

Besides that, are there any steps I can take to recover myself? This took a huge blow on me to the point where I couldn't sleep or eat for weeks. Because I am looking at my gf/best friend who I have grown and built a relationship with. Already fit guy and go to the gym but at times mentally just break down and have no energy to workout
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Old 11th December 2017, 3:31 PM   #6
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I believe people can have a moment of weakness or make a mistake. I guess at least she was honest with you about her indiscretion.

But... She is living with this dude still? How can she be NC with him living in the same quarters? Not going to happen.

That situation needs to change, and she needs to make all the effort to prove she can be trusted again. My personal opinion is once you break that trust, there is no going back (at least in the immediate sense).

I think you should ask her for some time to think things over. You are in a very emotional state right now, and your love for her may be clouding your judgement.

You will go crazy if she continues to live with the guy. Every time she says she is staying home for the night, or is not with you, you will likely be wondering what is going on. Not good.

I am glad you realize the areas where you need to improve. But please please please remember, she is at fault here. She needs to fix this.

Good luck brother.
Thanks a lot! She has agreed to move.

I have given this a lot of thought for the past few weeks. Does it really make me look like i'm catering to her too much, have no self-respect or show I am strong enough to work things out? I mean people talk about being alpha and not beta etc. I find its hard to judge if you fall in one category vs the other when such a scenario happens because its not black/white.

I'd really like to work things out and don't want it to be wasted. At the time when I talked with her thoroughly, she thought i was going to breakup and said she understands (because we have no tolerance for cheating, her parent was a cheater so it affected her) but when I told her I'm willing to work it out because of the meaningful relationship, she was taken away.
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Old 11th December 2017, 3:39 PM   #7
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If you are willing to give her another chance if she moves, fine. Give her the 2nd chance but do it understanding that she's easily manipulated. This "douche" didn't cause this. If she's not crying rape, she wanted it as much as she did. Stop making excuses for her.


If you are going to view this as your wake up call to be a better BF or risk losing her that is your choice but if she slips again, then what?
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Old 11th December 2017, 4:06 PM   #8
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Whether you stay with her or leave does not determine your self-respect. You love her and want to be with her—that is simple and noble and hopefully she can appreciate that in earnest.

The situation, however, is complex. For most people, it seems, cheating is an immediate deal breaker, and only you know where you stand on that.

For me, for instance, it's not. I think people are super complicated and contradictory and that the most decent people stumble. The important thing is: Are they eager to learn from those stumbles? The tricky part about forgiving cheating is you have to make sure you're not enabling the behavior down the line. Because like others have said, you had nothing to do with this—she made the choice, the stumble, and she needs to do the work to change on that front. You have work, too, but it's different.

With that in mind, I'd really, really consider making therapy a must: for each of you, as individuals, and together during the early days.
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Old 11th December 2017, 4:40 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by baro View Post
Hello All,

I am in need of serious help. My gf and i have been together for 8 years and I found out that she cheated on me. This isn't as your typical cheating type relationship.

She was living with another female and one male. The male roommate is a douche kept trying to hook up with her and at the time I wanted to tell him something but didn't want to cause any problems since she had no other place to go. She made it clear that she wasn't interested because she was in a vulnerable stage of our rocky relationship. However, he continued to make subtle remarks after she explicitly said no.

Reason why she was in vulnerable stage is because I couldn't commit as much time in nurturing the relationship the previous months. As a newly employed young guy, I was too glued to my job which put me in a different mood state. When some areas were lacking, she started to develop superficial feeling for the roomate.

Finally one day, one thing lead to another and they had sex. This is not of her character at all and the guy was such a douche for taking advantage of the situation. Looking back, I think i am part at fault as well as my gf. On her end, she did say many times to the guy she has a bf and to leave her alone.

After reading a lot of articles some have suggested to break up if a partner cheats but then I found another which clearly explained why a person cheats . (which was true in my situation and she even admitted) Some say situations like these make a relationship stronger while other disagree.

I really love my gf and don't want to lose her. I don't know how to improve the situation. She regrets it and feels dumb and has agreed to stay in no contact with him. I am upset and feel betrayed but would like to work it out.

I'd appreciate your thoughts. this is late night post sorry about grammar

*Edit we have had a problem similar to this in the past with me not providing too much attention but I fixed it, it only started to develop with my knowing after I got a new job so I was trying to balance things out.
**Edit forgot to mention an important part:

Before the incident I had confronted her before about moving out but she didn't want to because its close to her work. the week leading to that wasn't good but we made up and she said she loves me and reassured me things would be ok but the next day it happened.

not sure if that changes things because we had a talk about it really wasn't as open as the one after the incident (thats when things clicked for her)
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Old 11th December 2017, 4:46 PM   #10
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You are still making excuses for her.


You knew this situation was a powder keg. She chose the easier commute over easing your fears knowing full well (even if only subconsciously) that she was flattered by his attentions. If she had genuinely been bothered by him, she would have moved to get away from him. She didn't.
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Old 11th December 2017, 8:02 PM   #11
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If you are willing to give her another chance if she moves, fine. Give her the 2nd chance but do it understanding that she's easily manipulated. This "douche" didn't cause this. If she's not crying rape, she wanted it as much as she did. Stop making excuses for her.


If you are going to view this as your wake up call to be a better BF or risk losing her that is your choice but if she slips again, then what?
Thanks donnivain, I will keep that in mind.

Curious, with all these seduction and pick up artists that aim to manipulate females, don't you think there is some blame to the guy as well?

I mean if a girl told me she had a bf and was working things out, I wouldn't insist. I know it goes both ways just asking...

also do you have recommendations to recovering for me? is it just time?
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Old 12th December 2017, 12:36 AM   #12
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Thanks donnivain, I will keep that in mind.

Curious, with all these seduction and pick up artists that aim to manipulate females, don't you think there is some blame to the guy as well?

I mean if a girl told me she had a bf and was working things out, I wouldn't insist. I know it goes both ways just asking...

also do you have recommendations to recovering for me? is it just time?
It's not really the guys fault at all. Sure, he may have a few character flaws but he would have justified this situation by the fact that this girl was opening up to him (which I am sure she was).

He'd be thinking "I might as well jump at this chance because if not, she will probably try with someone else anyway".

I guess it would be honorable if people held back until the nail is put in the coffin regarding the previous relationship. However, this is unrealistic. People learn that finishing 2nd sucks so when an opportunity presents itself on a platter, you would feel foolish to let it slip
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Old 12th December 2017, 6:08 PM   #13
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Many difficult times will present during a relationship or marriage... are ypu going to live in fear that she'll cheat every time?

You've spent 8 years with her...don't give her the opportunity to waste your time any more.

Dating is your test drive...would you spend your hard earned cash to buy a car that broke down on the test drive?
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Old 12th December 2017, 7:10 PM   #14
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If OP settles and continues being manipulated by her. She will get the green light that this behavior is how to have her cake and eat it too. She claims neglect in the relationship yet she spends her time with other men? And the OM has the "traits" she is needing? DUMP her. She is stringing you along. You are turning out to be the beta that coddles her every whim and say. Next you will help her change the sheets when she is done with the room mate. And tell you to expect it from now on...gross.
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Old 12th December 2017, 11:20 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by baro View Post

Curious, with all these seduction and pick up artists that aim to manipulate females, don't you think there is some blame to the guy as well?

I mean if a girl told me she had a bf and was working things out, I wouldn't insist. I know it goes both ways just asking...

also do you have recommendations to recovering for me? is it just time?
I really think men do themselves a disservice looking upon their lady as if they are sweet, innocent victims who are incapable of actually wanting to have sex with other men. Your girlfriend wanted this. She already knew he wanted her, the sexual attraction was there from both sides. She may regret it, sure, but she did it because she wanted to.

Staying with her is your choice but I can tell you from experience the trust is out the door. This is not easy to come back from. I was not successful in my reconciliation attempt and it's not something I would ever put myself through again, but that's not to say there aren't success stories out there. Those stories come with a lot of hard work getting back to the top, and unfortunately it doesn't sound like your relationship was all that solid to begin with. The number of years together is not an indication of a healthy relationship, nor necessarily indicative of one worth saving. Good luck, whatever you decide to do!
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