A ''break is needed'' - does it mean second chance?

[Shanex]

I don't think I have ever posted in here, I am not going to write a tomb, but just pose the question:

 

You are a guy and for a reason or another 'misbehaved' (I don't mean cheating at all, just saying somethng or doing something dumb) and your girlfriend or partner suggest a ''break for now'' while staying in contacts as friends.

 

Does that mean you will eventually be given a second chance later? Or is it just the polite way to tell you its over and she didn't want to hurt your feelings?

[d0nnivain]

Only she knows what her vague words mean.

 

 

To my way of thinking "taking a break" is a misnomer. You are either together working on your relationship or one person is trying to figure out if anything better is out there. But this break business always creates more problems then it solves.

 

 

It's one thing to say "I can't deal with this right now. I'll see you tomorrow" as a way of collecting your thoughts but what this girl is offering you makes no sense. You can't be just friends with an EX. It doesn't work in the immediate aftermath.

[Shanex]

I agree donnivain.

 

Its too vague. I like you a lot so lets be friends. There was no official or abrupt break up. She definitely know if we ever will be back together.

 

Actually you are right that being friends after only a couple days of, lets call it that a ''break up'' is pretty silly.

 

You like me but I have done something wrong, its pretty ambigous.. its the stick and carrot thing.

 

I dont believe in some rules when it comes to dating but maybe she was just afraid or lacking the courage for a formal breakup.

[basil67]

I think that when someone says "take a break" it's because they really don't know what they want. Their baseline is probably telling them to leave, but there is a certain reticence to reach the finality of pulling the plug altogether.

 

Was the 'misbehaviour' bad enough that you're not surprised she's rethinking the relationship?

[Shanex]

I think that when someone says "take a break" it's because they really don't know what they want. Their baseline is probably telling them to leave, but there is a certain reticence to reach the finality of pulling the plug altogether.

 

Was the 'misbehaviour' bad enough that you're not surprised she's rethinking the relationship?

 

Okay, I will give it away. She was being cold and distant for a week and I had enough. Didn't write to her for about two weeks until yesterday. Silly of me, silly of her too not to explain what was wrong.

 

I don't want to burn my bridges as per the adage. Its definitely forgivable if she really wants to.

[basil67]

Okay, I will give it away. She was being cold and distant for a week and I had enough. Didn't write to her for about two weeks until yesterday. Silly of me, silly of her too not to explain what was wrong.

 

I don't want to burn my bridges as per the adage. Its definitely forgivable if she really wants to.

 

Yes, it wasn't a good move on your part.

 

That said, do you want to be with someone who was cold and distant without letting you know what was going on? If someone's actions provoke you to do something really out of character due to frustration, it's worth asking yourself if it's truly something you want to continue.

[Shanex]

Yes, it wasn't a good move on your part.

 

That said, do you want to be with someone who was cold and distant without letting you know what was going on? If someone's actions provoke you to do something really out of character due to frustration, it's worth asking yourself if it's truly something you want to continue.

 

Precisely, Basil, and my answer would be no. Ive done wrong but why not tell me whats wrong with her at the moment? Heck. I will use this thread to update a bit. She has acted pretty friendly all day thru text though.

 

My mistake, hers too I guess.

[basil67]

She doesn't tell you what's wrong because she's a bad communicator. I always work by the rule of thumb of "If you're in a bad mood share what the problem is. If you don't want to share, then behave normally around me"

 

Are you going to discuss what went wrong with her?

[Shanex]

Its strange.

 

She was in a bad mood for some reasons we havent discussed in depth since.

 

But she keep mentioning how much a good bloke I am.

 

I am pretty sure she wanted to break up while being 'nice' about it.

 

Ultimately I cant deal with an emotional rollercoaster like her. As for staying friends, from experience this never work with an ex for me. At the risk of being callous, she lives two hours from me, and I am not interested in meeting up just for a coffee and movie while talking how great this relationship was.

[Shanex]

We haven't talked today, I didn't initiate any conversation though.

 

Yesterday convo was surprisingly nice and courteous considering that we are 'breaking up', usually there are never 'happy' break ups which leaves some hope? Or I might be really delusional.

 

The worst mistake I could do, reading this subforum would be to chase her and obnoxiously keep apologizing. I did apologize, once is enough. She got the message. She did apologize too for her cold attitude. I am left with that for now.

[SpecialJ]

How long were you dating? If you are two hours apart, she may have decided that you're a good guy but the distance isn't working, and she's a bad communicator so she didn't want to talk to you about it. Nothing you'd be able to do about that for now, and she'll be cold in order to separate herself from you.

 

If that theory is right, then you've got three outcomes: 1. she'll eventually miss you and come back (not that likely unless you had a really long and close relationship) 2. for some reason the distance goes away and you're both still single and can reconnect 3. you both move on and have no really hard feelings. One heartfelt apology was a good thing to do, so now you've shown respect and the air is cleared on your end. If you don't want to be friends, then there's nothing for you to do in any of those cases but walk away and try to heal.

 

If things don't work out, you may consider using this experience to think about how the communication is with new women you meet. If you are bothered by their behavior, try either calling or seeing them in person to talk about it. Going into the silent treatment in a healthy relationship will just push the other partner away, and texting about something important can always cause miscommunication.

 

Hope you feel better soon!

[Shanex]

Hi SpecialJ,

 

Thanks for the thoughtful response so a couple points to help you understand the situation more:

 

-Since april this year so roughly 8 months. We were definitely close and made no major 'mistake' in communication. We were seeing each other always at her place except for one time she came over. The thing is, I have a car and she doesn't.

 

-Hence why I think that your thoery while enterily valid wasnt what was bugging her (the distance). I made the effort to drive there almost every week.

 

-We had plans together, like going on a short weekend road trip to which she agreed very positively.

 

-We never ever fought, or had a strong argument in person. We were a healthy couple, and liked each other way too much to yell at each other. We always compromised.

 

-What is baffling to me was the cold response she was giving me thru texts lately, to which she probably had a reason but do not want to tell me.

 

Ultimately, I agree with you. We both apologized although I am left with question marks a bit. If we don't talk much for the next couple days, nevermind weeks, this will be over as pointed out by you and donnivain, because the silence treatment while it helps ''heal'' doesn't help out ''making things up''.

Edited December 9, 2017 by Shanex

[No_Go]

That's a pre-break up situation. A coach that I like call it a 'break-up threat'. She doesn't want to break up but something isn't working for her so she's putting it on you to fix it. Childish behavior IMO, but it is not irreversible. It is only irreversible if you stop communicating all together. Then you're steadily entering the break up land.

 

Since you've been together 8 months - break up process will likely take couple of months to deconvolute completely. Use this time if you want to reverse it.

[Shanex]

Thanks NG.

 

Well I think this is going nowhere, I left her a text yesterday eve by 8pm, to which she replied only tonight, 24 hours later. Still polite I should say, but it doesn't take 24 hours to reply to a simple text.

 

She is trying to distance herself from me, and as a result I should do the same.

 

No friendships possible as pointed out by Donnivain right now. I hurt her and admit it, but so was I, nevermind the friendly very casual chit chat these days. I was interested in a steady relationship with her, she was hurt after my silence and apparently want to end things. I cannot give her ''friendship'' while she deny me what I want, or wanted.

[elaine567]

We need to know why she went cold and distant in the first place really in order to comment constructively.

 

Was she distancing herself from you because she felt it was all over, or was she battling other issues and was signalling distress and was looking for sympathy and support from you, or was she actually just mirroring you?

[Shanex]

We need to know why she went cold and distant in the first place really in order to comment constructively.

 

Was she distancing herself from you because she felt it was all over, or was she battling other issues and was signalling distress and was looking for sympathy and support from you, or was she actually just mirroring you?

 

For about 7 months she has been overall in a good mood. However over the last weeks I could ''feel'' that she was being in a pretty bad mood, a few examples: such and such friend of her was coming over unexpected at her place and she was upset, another friend of her wanted to see a movie which she told me afterwards was 'dumb' and she hated it, among other negative things.

 

She was definitely going through a weird phase to which I was always responsive and supportive. Lately she also had a mere cold which didnt help.

 

Maybe that help understand her better, I hope anyway. Feel free to ask more details.