1.5 years/ Rebounds/ I Just Want Her Back

[NotJustin]

I have been in a relationship with a girl for 1.5 years, and after a bad fight, she decided to leave me.

 

Three days prior to the breakup, we had an amazing date. We went shopping, took cute pictures in a photo booth, teared up and said we deeply love each other in the photo booth, and had sex and feel asleep to a movie until I had to drive back home.

 

Three days after the date, she broke up with me over an argument, which I found was stupid. We just went back and forth about, "I seriously don't like your guy friend." (Because I was so sure her friend had a crush on her) We broke up, and for the whole week we talked about being together, not right now, but in the future. {I just need time} {I'll give you your space, but I really hope I can be your guy again} {Me too :')}. And that's where I decided say "Maybe now isn't the time to talk then." and went no contact. We unfriended each other off of everything.

 

Two weeks post BU, I broke no contact and I decided to talk to her again. She hit me back with the, "Maybe now isn't the time to talk." I kept trying to hold a conversation, she replied, but with short messages. It was a VERY short conversation (2 hours, 5 minutes+ to respond), and I went no contact again.

 

Again, two weeks post BU, I basically found a rebound girl to help cope me through this. Meanwhile, I asked a friend about her and he tells me, "Yea man, she's got a thing with that guy you were worried about." She was infuriated with my friend when he found out. "Are you already going for another guy?" "What are you gonna do about it? Tell Justin? Go ahead."

(Keep In Mind I'm Blocked And I Guess She's TRYING To Somehow Make Me Jealous Because I Can't View Her Pics Or Text Her)

 

After another two weeks at NC, she contacted me. There were rumors spreading around her UNI that she was unfaithful to me for finding a new guy so quick and blah blah blah. She only reached out to me to argue, but I didn't spread anything. I couldn't even respond to her messages because I was blocked. She texted, "CAN YOU JUST STOP AND LEAVE ME ALONE.", but 2 minutes later she texted, "Hello?" because I couldn't respond (I'm blocked, she can send messages but I can't).

 

In short, we've just been broken up for a month,

Week 1) Breakup, Still Have Feelings, Started No Contact

Week 2) Broke No Contact, Short Conversations, Her and I Found Rebounds, Started No Contact Again

Week 3) NC (She Finds Out About my Rebound And Thinks I Had Sex With Her) (Or At Least I THINK This Is Where She Found Out)

Week 4) Halfway NC, She Starts To Accuse Me Of Rumors In Her UNI

 

Reasons Why I Think She Somewhat Still Cares:

1. She INITIALLY Cared During The BU
   
2. She Retweeted A Post About "People Need To Fall Apart To Realize How Much They Need to Fall Back Together" During The First Week
   
3. I Was Her First Serious Relationship, And Maybe The G.I.G.S Is Kicking In
   
4. We Have Planned Out A Future Together, She Lost Her Virginity To Me, She Always Seemed To Care So Much, Even Up Until The BU
   
5. Despite Blocking Each Other On Every Social Media Platform, She Somehow Knew I Was Talking to Another Girl
   

 

Reasons Why I Think She Doesn't Care:

1. Post Second Week, She Hasn't Made An Attempt To Reach Out, Or Even Be Nice
   
2. All Of Her Friends Are Telling Me Shes Over Me (It Was A 1.5 yr Relationship How Could She Move On So Quickly?)
   
3. Maybe It Isn't G.I.G.S And She Had This Guy Lined Up
   
4. She Didn't Really Love Me Through This Time Together
   
5. She Told Me She Doesn't Care About Me Anymore (During The Whole "Rumors About Me" Argument)
   

 

Extras:

• We Did Have Our Fights Here And There, We Weren't Perfect But We Loved Eachother
  
• She Says She Mainly Broke Up With Me Because Of An Argument That Happened 7 Months Ago And Didn't Want To Argue Anymore (I Went Out With Friends, She Thinks I Cheated, I Didn't)
  
• She Says She Can't Trust Me Because Of That Time I Went Out 7 Months Ago But She Continued Dating Me Afterwards?? (Finding A Reason?)
  
• She Isn't The Girl To Say Sorry, Shes A Bit Stubborn. Even If She Wanted To Get Back Together, I Know For Sure She Would Hesitate 80 Times Before Texting Me, Wanting To Reconcile
  
• She Still Has My Clothes, So Hopefully Those Can Remind Her Of Me (Two Weeks Post BU, I Kind Of Asked For My Clothes Back, She Said I Could Pick Them Up Whenever And That They Still Smelled Like Me)
  
• We Both Still Hold A Copy Of The Photo Booth Picture, Hopefully She Didn't Throw it Out
  
• She a bit wonky, she has almost monthly panic attacks, mood swings, and anxiety (Was This Breakup An Impulse And Shes Too Scared To Say Sorry?)
  
• I'm also acting cold, saying I have moved on somewhat, and yes, I am using a rebound to help me through this (Is She Doing The Same?)
  

 

All I'm hoping for right now is that she misses me/ is thinking about me (Although She Says She Doesn't Care). I guess I was right for being suspicious about this guy, they've only known each other for two months. I feel like now that I'm out of the picture, he's making his move, being her shoulder to cry on, that's why I think they're a thing, flirting with each other a lot. (Or So I've Been Told)

 

I don't know, maybe I just came here to tell my stupid story. What do you guys think? I REALLY want her back because I at least think she was the best, but now that I'm seeing her move on that quick, I feel like I'm half way there of moving on myself.

 

P.S.

My rebound knows shes a rebound, I told her but she said "As long as it takes for you to make it through this, I'll be here." . It's a long term friend helping me through this, but she lives 5 hours away now. It started as just help, then cute messages, the mushy messages, and now she wants to meet up with me again and hang out soon.

[bluecastle]

First off, I think this is an important moment to take a deep breath and remind yourself that this is Month One of Breakup. In other words, the time where everyone acts a bit insane/immature and you just can't put much weight on those actions.

 

She's rebounding, your rebounding, everyone's flailing about in the fire and everyone gets a bit of a free pass to be an emotionally wrecked fool. Because you are you and have direct access to your brain, everything you are doing "makes sense" and doesn't seem foolish. Because she is now a locked box who has hurt you, everything she is doing is nuts and makes no sense. In reality, it's all the same.

 

What I'd say, if you're serious about a second chance, is do this:

 

- End the rebound—it's just more noise in a noisy room, and it's just going to be more noise later once the embers cool.

 

- Take some real time to just think and work on yourself without it being a reaction to whatever she may or may not be doing.

 

- If after some real soul searching you want to get back together, just be respectful and straightforward and tell her.

 

At the moment, it sounds like right now you've turned the whole thing into a bit of a game and you just want to win. You have a lot of negative things to say about this woman, but not a lot of positive, so it begs the question of: Do you want her back, or does your ego?

[NotJustin]

First off, I think this is an important moment to take a deep breath and remind yourself that this is Month One of Breakup. In other words, the time where everyone acts a bit insane/immature and you just can't put much weight on those actions.

 

She's rebounding, your rebounding, everyone's flailing about in the fire and everyone gets a bit of a free pass to be an emotionally wrecked fool. Because you are you and have direct access to your brain, everything you are doing "makes sense" and doesn't seem foolish. Because she is now a locked box who has hurt you, everything she is doing is nuts and makes no sense. In reality, it's all the same.

 

What I'd say, if you're serious about a second chance, is do this:

 

- End the rebound—it's just more noise in a noisy room, and it's just going to be more noise later once the embers cool.

 

- Take some real time to just think and work on yourself without it being a reaction to whatever she may or may not be doing.

 

- If after some real soul searching you want to get back together, just be respectful and straightforward and tell her.

 

At the moment, it sounds like right now you've turned the whole thing into a bit of a game and you just want to win. You have a lot of negative things to say about this woman, but not a lot of positive, so it begs the question of: Do you want her back, or does your ego?

 

I really appreciate your response, you're hitting a bulls-eye.

 

I've legitimately been thinking that I don't want my rebound. Sure, she's helped, but sooner or later I'm gonna hurt her the same way that I got hurt, and it's unfair.

 

I've gotten to the point where I've realized that she, never in a thousand years, will find someone like me. She can fill the empty space with her rebound(s), but no one is ever going to fit that puzzle better than a piece like me. I am feel emotionally stable with friends and family, and I've realized that they're a source of love that's always been there, and they're never going to leave me. It only hurts when I'm alone with my thoughts, but that's normal right?

 

I know I'm only explaining the situation in a bad point of view, but who views a breakup in a good way? I loved her, we laughed, had fun, and could spend hours just sitting next to each other in silence because we knew we had each other. I want her back, honest, I never fell harder.

[bluecastle]

I hear you. I'm in my own version of the spiral these days myself, and I know it's pure soul murder.

 

I suspect I'm a bit older than you (I'm 38) and have learned that hiding out between the sheets with others doesn't do anyone any favors. This rebound is a friend—get it back to that, stat.

 

As for your anger/resentment toward your ex—yeah, that's fine. Feel it. Drown in it a bit. But also really challenge yourself to appreciate her. Locate those things that worked, the way she shined, and celebrate them in your head and in real space. That's gonna hurt too.

 

But you don't want to be wanting her back because she won't find a better man than you—that's just ego and pain talking. You want to want her back because, for all her human flaws and frailties, there is no one on the planet you would be so lucky to be with.

 

If you can't cultivate those feelings she's never going to feel them—and, great as you are, she's not going to want to be with someone who doesn't feel that she is equally tremendous.

 

And I don't mean end the rebound, dedicate 10 minutes to loving your ex in your head, and then show up outside her house with roses and jukebox. Just let it all simmer for a few weeks. They'll feel like years, but they are just days, and that's what will guide you to making the next steps with real integrity.

[bluecastle]

Ha—and speaking of insanity, you can check out my posts and see that I'm speaking from similarly confusing trenches.

[NotJustin]

I hear you. I'm in my own version of the spiral these days myself, and I know it's pure soul murder.

 

I suspect I'm a bit older than you (I'm 38) and have learned that hiding out between the sheets with others doesn't do anyone any favors. This rebound is a friend—get it back to that, stat.

 

As for your anger/resentment toward your ex—yeah, that's fine. Feel it. Drown in it a bit. But also really challenge yourself to appreciate her. Locate those things that worked, the way she shined, and celebrate them in your head and in real space. That's gonna hurt too.

 

But you don't want to be wanting her back because she won't find a better man than you—that's just ego and pain talking. You want to want her back because, for all her human flaws and frailties, there is no one on the planet you would be so lucky to be with.

 

If you can't cultivate those feelings she's never going to feel them—and, great as you are, she's not going to want to be with someone who doesn't feel that she is equally tremendous.

 

And I don't mean end the rebound, dedicate 10 minutes to loving your ex in your head, and then show up outside her house with roses and jukebox. Just let it all simmer for a few weeks. They'll feel like years, but they are just days, and that's what will guide you to making the next steps with real integrity.

 

I don't know what's going on through my head, but you're helping me out. (I'm also early 20s) Even though I've explained the best about what's going on in my situation, do you think reconciliation will be a thing for me and her? I don't mind if she see's someone else, because I know I'm going to do the same. I just want to see her down the road again, maybe be friends and at best, lovers again.

[Been]

See number 4 under reasons why she doesn't care. That's all you need to know.

Meanwhile you have a woman who is OK with being YOUR rebound in order to help YOU. WOW. I think your investing too much thought in the wrong woman.

[NotJustin]

See number 4 under reasons why she doesn't care. That's all you need to know.

Meanwhile you have a woman who is OK with being YOUR rebound in order to help YOU. WOW. I think your investing too much thought in the wrong woman.

 

DAMN. Okay you're really really right. It's just that the rebound girl lives so far away, and my ex is closer. I feel like my ex is more obtainable, although she's not.

 

She's probably most definitely the wrong woman, but I just hopes she misses me/ thinks about me/ regrets her decision, we all want that right?

 

I don't know why I still think she's somewhat "The One", but I do miss our times together. I don't want another person experiencing the same love I did.

[bluecastle]

From what I'm hearing the truth is you don't totally know what you want at this moment—and that is OKAY. You are thrown. Just own that for a little bit and taken the blows without softening them with a rebound that, of course, is only bound to deliver more.

 

I don't know you or you ex. But I can tell you: OF COURSE she is thinking about you, and missing you, and questioning things. EVERYONE does after a breakup, no matter what end of it they're on. It is never clean, always murky. Does that bring the same comfort from an internet stranger as it would coming from her? Of course not. But it also doesn't bring another rocket into fire, and right now it's not for her to tell you that these days. Just as you can't be a comforting crutch for her during the breakup, she can't be one with you. That comfort is just another lit match, in the end, that keeps this holding pattern holding.

 

Is reconciliation possible? Sure. The world is crazy—that's what's so awesome about it. To get there, though, you have to first detach from the play-by-play and start dong YOU and listening to you.

 

When all the dust settles, is the number one thought: I love HER and I WANT her? If so, you walk that plank and see if the chips fall, fully knowing and understanding (and respecting) that she is as unique and singular a human being as you are and therefore may have a completely different take on things.

 

But just give it a minute. Hang with those friends and family—feel that love, lean into it. That is the realest. Do something insane but productive when you're having these spinning thoughts (me, I do 50 pushups). Then have a beer, watch a good movie, whatever allows minutes to feel like minutes again, and days to feel like days. Because that's all they are.

 

You just have to get over this immediate hump to know what's on the horizon—first in your own head and heart, and then, of course, in hers.

[NotJustin]

From what I'm hearing the truth is you don't totally know what you want at this moment—and that is OKAY.

 

I don't know you or you ex. But I can tell you: OF COURSE she is thinking about you, and missing you, and questioning things. EVERYONE does after a breakup, no matter what end of it they're on.

 

Does that bring the same comfort from an internet stranger as it would coming from her? Of course not

 

right now it's not for her to tell you that these days. Just as you can't be a comforting crutch for her during the breakup, she can't be one with you. That comfort is just another lit match, in the end, that keeps this holding pattern holding.

 

Is reconciliation possible? Sure. The world is crazy—that's what's so awesome about it. To get there, though, you have to first detach from the play-by-play and start dong YOU and listening to you.

 

walk that plank and see if the chips fall, fully knowing and understanding (and respecting) that she is as unique and singular a human being as you are and therefore may have a completely different take on things.

 

But just give it a minute. Hang with those friends and family—feel that love, lean into it, whatever allows minutes to feel like minutes again, and days to feel like days. Because that's all they are.

 

You just have to get over this immediate hump to know what's on the horizon—first in your own head and heart, and then, of course, in hers.

 

Bluecastle, every reply you've given me has touched my heart so much, borderline crying. I really do hope shes missing me as much as I miss her. I also really hope she's still lying to me, telling me she doesn't care about me, or that she's already over it, because I'm telling her the same lies.

 

I know we aren't the same person, but we had to have had similarities to start dating. Maybe similar enough to both still be thinking about our memories together and miss each other.

 

No matter it be G.I.G.S, confusion, impulse, or she just fell out of love, I hope I can meet her on the other side of the hill.

[marky00]

What you are feeling is normal.

 

She did breakup with you but, which you can turn to your advantage.

 

Stay NC and no more game playing. She ended it so you don't need to think about regrets etc. Stay NC and keep healing. Down, the line, you will find some comfort that it wasn't you that ended it. The person that ends it has the power initially but after a while of NC they are the ones that have to deal with regret and guilt etc. Let her lie in the bed she made.

 

Sure sometimes a dumper has no regrets. But your relationship was long enough to suggest she definitely still had some care for you when she ended it. Stay hard no contact and take the high road. She will deeply respect you for it.

[NotJustin]

What you are feeling is normal.

 

She did breakup with you but, which you can turn to your advantage.

 

Stay NC and no more game playing. She ended it so you don't need to think about regrets etc. Stay NC and keep healing. Down, the line, you will find some comfort that it wasn't you that ended it. The person that ends it has the power initially but after a while of NC they are the ones that have to deal with regret and guilt etc. Let her lie in the bed she made.

 

Sure sometimes a dumper has no regrets. But your relationship was long enough to suggest she definitely still had some care for you when she ended it. Stay hard no contact and take the high road. She will deeply respect you for it.

 

I'm going to stay quiet, probably for the rest of my life with her. I won't contact her anymore, nor do I feel the desire to. I think in the past month, I found many ways to be happy, and just yesterday, I felt like myself again thanks to you guys.

 

I don't want to be with someone that left me for somebody else, and I'm okay with that. If she ever ends up texting me for reconciliation, giving a sincere apology and a vow to never break my heart again, I'll think about it and not rush in.