at my wits end

[sunflower86]

Hello all, I'm 31 been married for almost 5 years. I am desperate for advice from a long term married wife or husband.

 

 

I have been considering divorce for about a year now. Things sometimes are ok and sometimes are bad - my husband has dependency to alcohol and cigarettes. After one year of being married I realized that he drank a little too much. This has always been an issue because he has asthma and has ended up in the hospital because he cant breathe, the alcohol abuse has gotten worse recently and until I left the house for a couple of days he quit. - that was about 2 months ago -

 

 

I haven't seen him drinking for a couple of months now, but here and there I catch him acting strange and overusing cold medication.

 

 

While it is no justification, a year ago I cheated on him. I did it because I was selfish and wanted more attention than what I was getting from him, he is also not as sexual as I am. We went to couples therapy and we both admitted that we could do better and that we could work in our relationship, he forgave me and he said that he wanted to continue to be married because he loved me. I almost feel that he has accepted his shortcomings as a husband and understood the reasons why I fell into that.

 

 

Ever since, our relationship remained as it has always been, we get along, enjoy doing things together, we get to travel and support each other. But almost twice a month if not more frequently, we fight because he's acting weird and I get the suspicion that he is drinking behind my back.

This has also stopped me from being social, he doesn't want to go anywhere where there is alcohol and while I am able to not drink while out, I cant control what other people do. So we don't go out anymore, he cant have fun without drinking or wherever there is alcohol or people drinking.

 

 

Many times I have suggested that we go to AA but he has never looked at the schedule or the locations so I feel that if he wants to go it should be on him to research and actually attend a meeting. I don't want to force him.

 

 

I love him a lot and want to have a good marriage, but its difficult for me to rely that he will be a good partner and a good father. I want to have kids at some point. Am I giving up to easily? Should I be doing something else to try to improve our relationship and be happy with him? or am I wasting my time?

 

 

A little bit about me: I own my own business, I consider myself a go getter and successful. People say I am good looking and take care of myself. I have never had any substance abuse issues.

[RocketQueen]

Addiction is the worst.

 

Trust your instincts. When I went to AA with the father of my children, cough medicine was a common addiction- I was mindblown and never knew it was 'a thing'.

 

You need to thinks about yourself, while ever he has an addiction and doesn't face his problem he will never think of you and how you're feeling.

 

It feels wrong to leave someone when they have an addiction, it's in our nature to help. You can't help him, the hard work has to be his own. It took me 6 years to realise this.

 

Feel free to PM me as I could go on forever about this and I'm better not boring the whole forum.

[d0nnivain]

If there is any hope to save your marriage you need 3 things:

 

1. Individual counseling

 

2. Al Anon -- these are meetings for you; the family member of the addict. It will give you great insight.

 

3. Marriage counseling. He has to work too but this will be the toughest part.

 

As bad as his issues are, when he learns you cheated, that will make things worse.

 

Best wishes.