lost the love of my life

[fml1414]

Relationship: 30 y.o. F (me) and 30 y.o. M (him) - I'll call him "M". Met on a dating site in May 2017. Went on a date, I fell in love at first sight (never happened before). Ended up having sex on the first date (also never happened before). He's shy on the outside, kinky on the inside, melancholic, however, makes me extremely happy just by me looking at him (this is a first for me also). Hard to explain.

 

Red flags: M is super secretive, his longest prior relationship was 30 days - this was 8 years ago (!), self-proclaimed extreme loner. Within 3 weeks of meeting, he stated he had to move across country. I was heartbroken, wanted to meet, he said: "I don't want to fall for someone on my way out of town", then disappeared.

 

I met someone else (I'll call him Z), we really connected and went out on a few dates. M reappeared after 3 weeks asking to come over. I caved, he did, I broke it off with Z - M knew I dated Z for a couple of weeks and broke it off.

 

M continued to be very secretive. We haven't had any dates outside of my apartment. We had sex every time and it was very kinky (crossdressing, etc.). At times, I felt used. I did tell M I was in love with him. He said he was wrong for me, that he is a loner, that he would never get married or have kids or anything like this. (I am fine with that and also don't want kids, however, it kind of hurt). Some of his behaviors were bad: he blew me off to buy weed; he drove off when I took too long to let him in the door; continued to act very ambivalent. He also disappeared after a minor fight and once again returned in a week after blocking me.

 

Towards August, M told me he is no longer moving across country and is now moving within a 6 hour drive from me. I was very happy about this and was willing to make it work. He started being a little more open. In September, 2 weeks before my birthday, he went to visit his family, but didn't text me for 11 days. Came back on my birthday like nothing happened and didn't apologize. I got used to his loner ways, so I wasn't even mad.

 

During this time, Z started texting me again. We have met up and talked (Z and I never had sex and I told him that I was in love with M). Z and I had a lot in common; I have shared very private things about myself with him (which I shouldn't have done). I felt very close to him, but in a friends sort of way. I knew that he really liked me. I felt horrible blowing him off and very guilty towards both sides, and this continued for a few weeks. We met up maybe 4 times in person with Z. Z and I only kissed on the first date and nothing physical has happened since except an occasional hug.

 

M finally said "I love you too" back to me around September. He has never felt this close to anyone.

 

Also, around this time, I found something out about M - his dad was someone sort of important. I understood why he hasn't told me, but didn't know how to tell him. I felt somewhat conflicted about this fact, however.

 

Breakup: In mid-October, I told Z I couldn't be friends with him anymore because I loved M and I knew Z was falling for me. Z continued to text me. I contemplated blocking him, and I felt like a horrible person. I finally met with Z in person and told him not to talk to me again. The following day, I met up with M.

 

During our date, M looked over at my apple watch. I never really had any messages to hide, so I never took it off. He saw a message from Z saying: "Please give me another chance... you should dump the other guy... " and something along those lines.

 

M has twisted my arm to read the message, and stormed out in a very dramatic manner.

 

After breakup: I texted M. He has called me all kinds of names. I wrote him a long explanation, including the fact that I knew who his dad was. He continued to be angry. He finally called me. I apologized and I meant it. After several phone calls, he blocked me. I have texted him because I was in the park where we had our first date and was desperately hoping to see him one last time. He DID show up.

 

Our conversation after the breakup was actually the best/most honest we've ever had. We ended up going to his house (where I've never even been). He was sad and said he still loved me. He did continue to say: "I would be a chump if I ever took you back". I wasn't going to ask him to take me back, but I did. He said no. He did say that he will see me before he finally leaves town, which was in 2 weeks. He also said that he does NOT hate me and took back the insults he told me via texts.

 

I never saw him again.

 

I texted him intermittently. He mostly responded with a smiley face. After the date he was supposed to move, I texted him again. He texted me back saying he's tired of my texts and he had already left town. I asked him to call me and he said he doesn't have time for this. That was his last message.

 

In retrospect, I was obviously being clingy. I wrote him another letter which basically described how much I loved him (nothing negative) that ended with "My dearest love, I have to let you go".

 

He did not text anything back.

 

Current state: No contact for 16 days since my (embarrassing) goodbye letter.

 

 

I did tell M that Z and I only kissed, I don't know whether he believed me or not. The sad part is that I have never felt this way about another human being. At one point, I thought perhaps M was gay (he's not) and proceeded to tell him I would love him anyway no matter what. This is still true.

 

 

I feel devastated and nothing in this world makes me happy. I have cried more in these weeks than during my entire lifetime.

 

I know that he probably wants me to leave him alone. Knowing him, he won't be dating for a long while. I am contemplating on reaching out to him in a couple of weeks after 30 days of no contact. I am absolutely sure that he is the love of my life (and his flaws/personality don't matter).

 

Should I try to reach out? Is there any hope out there?

 

And yes, I know what I did is considered emotional cheating and I feel genuinely sorry and extremely guilty about what happened. I would never do this again.

[NopeNah]

I'm curious...Have you communicated with 'Z' since this recent split?

[marky00]

OP, M sounds like hes messed up to be honest.

 

Anyone with a brain can see that you were just in a mess and trying to let Z down easily.

 

This also happened to me and did get back with my Ex and lasted about 8 years but things weren't the same for her after what happened about 3 years in. I only entered this other thing because some random girl called me out of nowhere and my long distance girlfriend was pretty much just sitting back in her country asking for money and stuff. I did love her but I got weak and entertained this random girl who called me out of nowhere. About a month in I realized I wanted out with this new girl but she started guilt tripping me and things got messy after that. The situation drove me crazy to the point that for a while I had neither girl.

 

I totally empathize with your situation and our stories are very similar. You entertained Z for a little while and I think I know why. You loved M yes but he wasn't boosting you up like most partners do. He's probably emotionally unavailable like my Ex was. So you temporarily entertained the ego boost from Z but then he started guilt tripping you and getting clingy which you hadn't counted on.

 

I'm very sorry this happened. But stop contacting M now. I don't think my Ex ever understood what went on my end although maybe she started to figure it out a year or two after we broke up. Most dumpers do not understand the dumpee until the dumpee completely disappears.

[fml1414]

Praying4Daylight,

I have. Only to tell him basically what had happened and that I am going to have to block him because it hurts way too much (he's a living reminder of what happened, although it is absolutely not his fault).

[fml1414]

marky00,

Thanks for your reply.

 

I am having trouble letting M go. He was always emotionally unavailable, however, I am still madly in love. I am trying very hard to move on.

[fml1414]

UPDATE:

 

I did see M again. It was very bittersweet. He said that he loves me, but can never trust me again. I'm not sure what is going to happen, but there is hope for all of us out there waiting on love