Joe Bloggs 123 Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 so we were in a relationship for about 6 months, we return to university after the summer and i notice that she is starting to lose interest and put in a lot less effort with me. We had talked about it a few times and she says she saw her ex over summer which messed her head up- leaving me quite confused. We broke up officially 2 weeks ago off the back of her losing interest and mutually agreeing that things weren't the same- no direct cause of her losing interest, she would say. This hurt me quite a lot as it was my first girlfriend, however- since breaking up i have realised that although i loved her, the relationship wasn't great as it was always me who put in the effort and she would talk to a lot of lads as mates, including her ex, which i was cool with but looking back on it, not so much. She has tried contacting me since we've broken up and met up a few times to exchange things and talk and ended up having sex. However we met up today and she came with the intention of giving things another shot, however- i responded by saying that i don't have the same feelings, that she played me about a bit and i cant keep running back to her only when she wants. I feel like she may have used me as a 'safety blanket' so she could sort her head out during the break up. The thing is my mind tells me do the right thing and move on however i still like her and love her in my heart. I am questioning my decision of ending things properly and wondered if anyone had any advice or similar experiences. Link to post Share on other sites
marky00 Posted November 14, 2017 Share Posted November 14, 2017 You are right. She doesn't want you back and is using you as a security blanket. Actions speak louder than words. What you are doing right now guarantees she will never be attracted to you again. Link to post Share on other sites
Been Posted November 15, 2017 Share Posted November 15, 2017 Good for you realizing how she is! Actions do speak louder then words. Link to post Share on other sites
BryanSmiley Posted November 15, 2017 Share Posted November 15, 2017 You’ve demonstrated admirable emotional strength there to listen to your head over your heart. Especially for your first GF I think you mentioned. It’s very easy in the short term to listen to the heart and try to apply 30% of what the head is saying. But in my experience it’s a difficult balance and that pressure and worry shouldn’t be on you. It builds unhealthy anxiety. I only wish I’d have done exactly as you have and think you’ve set yourself on a good behavioural response for your first relationship – in terms of how to apply yourself. I’ve definitely got caught in trying to go NC, then making some contact, or trying to play it right in getting them to make the effort to prove themselves. Ultimately they need to go really out of their way to win you back and crucially the damage is done and can’t just be undone. They are capable of it once and the doubt is there – so you’ll kick yourself if it happens again. Which taking a step back and seeing the situation as if it were a friend – you’d have to say there’s every likelihood of it happening again. Kudos to you sir. Only thing anyone can probably say is maybe shouldn't have had so much contact, or gotten sexual post breakup. I’d cut ties and not have sex or any relations with her, it’ll only detract from any healthy moving on process for you both. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joe Bloggs 123 Posted November 19, 2017 Author Share Posted November 19, 2017 Cheers for the replies, has made me feel better about my decision. However, still finding it tough but think it'll just take time Update: She's still messaging me sort of nothing conversation and i dont know what she's trying to achieve from it. I dont want to be hostile and not reply but conversation just seems forced. It's kinda messing my head up and i dont know what to think now Link to post Share on other sites
marky00 Posted November 19, 2017 Share Posted November 19, 2017 Cheers for the replies, has made me feel better about my decision. However, still finding it tough but think it'll just take time Update: She's still messaging me sort of nothing conversation and i dont know what she's trying to achieve from it. I dont want to be hostile and not reply but conversation just seems forced. It's kinda messing my head up and i dont know what to think now Its normal. My ex has sent probably a dozen breadcrumbs this whole year. I never responded. Each time the breadcrumb is a little sweeter as she puts more effort in. It does kind of suck not knowing what's behind it. There is a small chance she has some doubts but I can't risk it. She ended things with me twice so I simply can't risk speaking to her again. If it was a short relationship and the breakup reasonably clean, it might be ok to respond to breadrumbs if they keep coming. But if it was a long relationship that ended badly, the dumper has to put it all on the line in my opinion. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 19, 2017 Share Posted November 19, 2017 Her intentions are clear, no? She wants to try again. I don't believe her intentions are what is in question here, rather, what are YOUR intentions? You say that you love her. You say that you cannot keep coming back to her whenever she wants. You say that you meet up and have sex with her. It doesn't sound like you want to let her go. So, respond and give it another shot. It is very clear that her lack of interest was b/c she still has feelings for her ex. That doesn't seem to deter you from keeping in contact. So, do YOU want to get back with her or not? That is the question. Link to post Share on other sites
marky00 Posted November 19, 2017 Share Posted November 19, 2017 Her intentions are clear, no? She wants to try again. I don't believe her intentions are what is in question here, rather, what are YOUR intentions? You say that you love her. You say that you cannot keep coming back to her whenever she wants. You say that you meet up and have sex with her. It doesn't sound like you want to let her go. So, respond and give it another shot. It is very clear that her lack of interest was b/c she still has feelings for her ex. That doesn't seem to deter you from keeping in contact. So, do YOU want to get back with her or not? That is the question. He might want her back but he has wised up to the fact that by going back, there is a very good chance he will be discarded again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joe Bloggs 123 Posted November 19, 2017 Author Share Posted November 19, 2017 Her intentions are clear, no? She wants to try again. I don't believe her intentions are what is in question here, rather, what are YOUR intentions? You say that you love her. You say that you cannot keep coming back to her whenever she wants. You say that you meet up and have sex with her. It doesn't sound like you want to let her go. So, respond and give it another shot. It is very clear that her lack of interest was b/c she still has feelings for her ex. That doesn't seem to deter you from keeping in contact. So, do YOU want to get back with her or not? That is the question. That is true, ive not really know what to think and my heads been pretty messed up about it- because it was my first girlfriend and it ended on terms of her losing interest, not me. However, since being out the relationship i have realised that it wasnt healthy and unbalanced and whats to say anything will have changed? As hard as it might be i think the best thing is to move on and give it time Link to post Share on other sites
marky00 Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 Your right. That's my philosophy as well. If you simply give in to to the first breadcrumb or whatever, all you achieved was empowering her more and disrespecting yourself further. It's a tough call to know when or if to ever speak to them again. I haven't spoken to mine for 18 months but she has been sending crumbs this whole year. Maybe my Ex has changed a little ...... I really don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
sdraw108 Posted November 20, 2017 Share Posted November 20, 2017 Move on and forget about her. Reasons: 1. She's messed you around. You've already realised that taking her back sends a message that she can mess you around AND get away with it. This just sets you up for a repeat. 2. You don't think the relationship was ideal anyway. 3. She was your first girlfriend. IMO most people need to experience multiple relationships to grow as a person and learn how to be successful in a relationship, before settling down. Combining all of those, I think you're much better off meeting someone new. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Joe Bloggs 123 Posted December 11, 2017 Author Share Posted December 11, 2017 Update: We've started talking again. However, we're only talking- I've made things clear that i want to take things slow and am not willing to jump back into anything. She's started to come across as a lot more interested and is acting pretty keen. It feels weird as the tables have turned and now she's the one putting in all the effort. It's strange as I'm trying to work out whether she actually means it or not. We talked about things again and she still assures me there wasn't a reason for the break up- which i'm still questioning. I feel like the break has made her realise what we were and how she really felt. As much as i wanted to move on i always found myself thinking about her and was pretty down about it I'm pretty skeptical about the whole situation at the moment but just taking things slow. Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted December 11, 2017 Share Posted December 11, 2017 That is true, ive not really know what to think and my heads been pretty messed up about it- because it was my first girlfriend and it ended on terms of her losing interest, not me. However, since being out the relationship i have realised that it wasnt healthy and unbalanced and whats to say anything will have changed? As hard as it might be i think the best thing is to move on and give it time Well, there has been no resolution to any of the issues that led to the break-up, so you may be right. Link to post Share on other sites
marky00 Posted December 11, 2017 Share Posted December 11, 2017 (edited) Update: We've started talking again. However, we're only talking- I've made things clear that i want to take things slow and am not willing to jump back into anything. She's started to come across as a lot more interested and is acting pretty keen. It feels weird as the tables have turned and now she's the one putting in all the effort. It's strange as I'm trying to work out whether she actually means it or not. We talked about things again and she still assures me there wasn't a reason for the break up- which i'm still questioning. I feel like the break has made her realise what we were and how she really felt. As much as i wanted to move on i always found myself thinking about her and was pretty down about it I'm pretty skeptical about the whole situation at the moment but just taking things slow. Always trust your gut. It never lies. If she really was into you for the right reasons, your gut wouldn't be sensing all these alarms and red flags etc. Think about it if the tables were turned. Lets say you dumped her but now regret it. I'm guessing you probably would have phoned her up and made it VERY CLEAR that you made a mistake. And, you would have taken a risk, even if it meant being rejected. Doesn't sound like she is taking a risk here. Her approaches are very matter of fact. That's a red flag in my opinion. It seems like the tables have turned because given your weakened state, her offering you only a small part of herself is going to be enough to keep you entertained and she knows that. If you were back to your healthy self (100 per cent healed), you would be able to see through her actions and figure out she isn't really offering herself to you at all. Edited December 11, 2017 by marky00 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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