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Huge dilemma on whether to try it again [Updated]


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

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Old 7th November 2017, 10:15 AM   #46
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I can't shake her off. Over the last 5 days, she's made 5 Facebook accounts, 4 fake phone numbers and 5 Snapchat accounts in attempts to contact me. She's now emailing me at my office and on my personal email from all kinds of accounts telling me I need to show her sympathy and how I'm cold and heartless to react to her suicide the way I have - and how I am betraying her by not showing her support while she's dealing with the aftermath, and how her friends and family are all supporting her but I am just not and I just don't love her. How I can't walk away from this and we have to talk and how I need therapy (which I will begin next week for myself, not her).


I haven't responded. Some attorney friends suggested I file a restraining order, but I don't want to throw gasoline on the fire. I keep hoping if I keep blocking and ignoring her attempts, she will finally give up. I blocked her number after she kept messaging me saying "as a mother, please give her closure and talk to her. I can't do anything to help her because I am out of town" like she always has done - dumping her daughters problems on me.


There isn't anything I can do about her threats to hurt my job or my reputation until she actually does something according to the police and a defense attorney friend I've spoken to.

Last edited by tarheelian; 7th November 2017 at 10:19 AM..
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Old 7th November 2017, 8:52 PM   #47
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I don't know much about this, at all, but if it hasn't otherwise come up already... it sounds to me like she may not just have depression and anxiety. This sounds like very manic behavior, and I'm sure that the amount she is contacting you is not the only manifestation. I'm actually a little surprised if her mother isn't getting her serious professional help after a suicide attempt, because she may be bipolar or have another issue that isn't just going to be fixed through therapy. An imbalance like that would require diagnosis, medication, and possibly supervision. Not closure from you. (I also wonder if she has been properly diagnosed if she is just not taking her medication.)

Anyway, if she is bipolar and manic, the attempts to contact you may not stop until her episode does, and that could be quite a long time. In the meantime, you can ask your corporate email administrator to change your email address.

I knew people who permanently harmed themselves during bipolar episodes, so I don't think you'd be out of line to take serious action... I started typing a response (which may or may not have been good advice, I don't know) suggesting you look into whether or not your local jurisdiction has an involuntary commitment process (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Involuntary_commitment) and sending one last message to her mom that if they keep contacting you'll start that process... but then I realized that if a suicide attempt wasn't enough to make her family members see that she is really sick and needs help, I don't know that anything a psychiatrist would tell them would get through to them either. I'm again sorry for both of you in this situation. You for having to go through this, her for not having people around her who recognize that she needs help. Again, that's still not your job... there's not much you could do as the object of her fixation regardless.

Last edited by SpecialJ; 7th November 2017 at 8:55 PM..
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Old 8th November 2017, 3:24 PM   #48
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I don't know much about this, at all, but if it hasn't otherwise come up already... it sounds to me like she may not just have depression and anxiety. This sounds like very manic behavior, and I'm sure that the amount she is contacting you is not the only manifestation. I'm actually a little surprised if her mother isn't getting her serious professional help after a suicide attempt, because she may be bipolar or have another issue that isn't just going to be fixed through therapy. An imbalance like that would require diagnosis, medication, and possibly supervision. Not closure from you. (I also wonder if she has been properly diagnosed if she is just not taking her medication.)

Anyway, if she is bipolar and manic, the attempts to contact you may not stop until her episode does, and that could be quite a long time. In the meantime, you can ask your corporate email administrator to change your email address.

I knew people who permanently harmed themselves during bipolar episodes, so I don't think you'd be out of line to take serious action... I started typing a response (which may or may not have been good advice, I don't know) suggesting you look into whether or not your local jurisdiction has an involuntary commitment process (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Involuntary_commitment) and sending one last message to her mom that if they keep contacting you'll start that process... but then I realized that if a suicide attempt wasn't enough to make her family members see that she is really sick and needs help, I don't know that anything a psychiatrist would tell them would get through to them either. I'm again sorry for both of you in this situation. You for having to go through this, her for not having people around her who recognize that she needs help. Again, that's still not your job... there's not much you could do as the object of her fixation regardless.


I just want to be left alone. Her number of fake numbers she's made is up to 10 as of today and she keeps emailing me telling me how "if you love me you'd support me through all of this" and the like. Still guilting me, blaming me. Her family doesn't care - they just excuse this behavior. Her friends are worthless and lack the capacity to understand. It's sad for her, but I cannot keep letting her do this to me.
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Old 8th November 2017, 9:21 PM   #49
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A guy I know had this problem when someone he very, VERY briefly dated went off her bipolar meds and had an episode. He had to change his phone number. I know that's a very inconvenient solution, and one I'd be pissed about, but you may want to consider it.

Ask your work to change your email address, and put filters on your personal email so that her emails are directed, marked as read, either into a separate folder or the trash. I'd keep them somewhere in case you need evidence (document everything). If she starts emailing you from multiple names at your personal email address, you may have to create a new one there, too, but I think she's less likely to do that if she isn't blocked and THINKS you are still reading the emails.

If none of that works well enough, get a restraining order. I'm just concerned for you that she's going to start showing up places if she can't get a hold of you, as she's probably not getting any significant mental help.
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Old 8th November 2017, 9:36 PM   #50
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Old 15th January 2018, 2:50 PM   #51
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Over a month later, I still hear from her nearly every day. She makes new numbers on her phone to get around me blocking her. She's finally been shut off on every other social media, but unless I change my number, which would be a huge hassle, I have no idea what to do.

She wavers between asking me to talk so we can "both move on and forget about this" to asking me why I want to be unhappy without her, to telling me she's not touched a man since we broke up, to sending me pictures of her talking to guys on dating apps only to tell me later she did it to make me jealous.

I could file a restraining order, but I really did not want to take it to that level. But I cannot move on while hearing from her every few days, and I know if I try to talk to her, she will just tie me up in a conversation and not let it go. I don't truly think she doesn't want to be with me, otherwise, she would not tell me she hasn't been with anyone nor ask me why I am choosing to be without her and I'll never find anyone who cared for me like her.

Over the last month, she has posted publicly that I abused her, contacted me office trying to get me fired, allegedly contacted all my ex girlfriends and threw things I did 5-8 years ago in my face, contacted my family to tell them all kinds of lies about me and things I said to her in confidence as my girlfriend, and threatened to contact anyone I meet in the future. It's just a nightmare that won't end, and if I give her what she wants by talking to her, it won't do anything but prolong this. How could anyone who said they loved me do such a thing to me?
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Old 15th January 2018, 2:56 PM   #52
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Whatever the case, this lady is deeply distressed and emotionally/mentally in need of help.

You really should change your number. It is a hassle, but nothing that a week or so cannot resolve.
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Old 15th January 2018, 3:19 PM   #53
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She claimed to have been in therapy but that her therapist told her I was a sociopath that just took pleasure in hurting her, and this “therapist@ had never even met me. Eventually she said she had been diagnosed with something and would be focusing on that instead.

Now instead of threats, she just goes back and forth each message she sends by either telling me she doesn’t want to be with me and she just wants closure to asking me why I am doing what I’m doing to her, asking me if I’ve met someone and that she hasn’t been around any guys. I haven’t responded to her since November and I’ve blocked maybe close to 30 numbers.
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Old 22nd January 2018, 5:08 PM   #54
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It's now been over a week since she has tried to contact me, so maybe things are progressing.


The strange thing is, I am beginning to miss her, but I know what happened afterward everything wasn't acceptable at all. I deserve better than to be treated the way I was by her. I know that. I guess the silence will finally allow me to begin healing and moving on. This is going to take a long time.
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Old 22nd January 2018, 5:27 PM   #55
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Hopefully she leaves you alone but I doubt it. I am sure at some point she'll emerge again.

When you miss her and feel weak, print this thread and read it. It'll jolt you back to reality.
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Old 22nd January 2018, 5:32 PM   #56
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Hopefully she leaves you alone but I doubt it. I am sure at some point she'll emerge again.

When you miss her and feel weak, print this thread and read it. It'll jolt you back to reality.


Right. Whenever I start to feel upset, I look back and remind myself that none of what happened was acceptable and going back to her would just ensure it would happen again. I mean, she shamed me and made fun of me when I was cheated on 5 years ago, and claimed to have contacted the girl that did it to let her know I was awful... you just don't do that to someone you claim to love. I told myself that this morning.

I'm sure looking back I could have done things better, but I wasn't happen towards the end and so long as we were together, things would never change. I do hope she finds the help she needs and gets through her borderline personality disorder. She'll make a great partner for someone someday if she does, but I think the damage done with me is far too much to overcome.
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Old 22nd January 2018, 5:41 PM   #57
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I do hope she finds the help she needs and gets through her borderline personality disorder. She'll make a great partner for someone someday if she does, but I think the damage done with me is far too much to overcome.
I don't think one gets through a personality disorder. Usually those that are self-aware enough to seek treatment and maintain consistency (rare), find ways to manage their symptoms. But it never really goes away.
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Old 22nd January 2018, 6:02 PM   #58
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I don't think one gets through a personality disorder. Usually those that are self-aware enough to seek treatment and maintain consistency (rare), find ways to manage their symptoms. But it never really goes away.


I don't know how "self aware" she was. I just know she told me she had been diagnosed a few weeks ago and was "starting a special type of therapy" to work through it. I did not respond to her though because I just did not want to be dragged back into a day long conversation.


When we were together, she claimed she had nothing wrong with her and the only issue was me, and I was the cause of all her ailments because I didn't stand up for her enough. And maybe I didn't sometimes, but it didn't warrant what happened in the aftermath. The problems could have been solved without the suicide attempt/attempt to get me fired from my job/posting online that I was abusive/contacting my family to upset them/contacting all my ex girlfriends over the last decade to tell them I was awful/and all the other stuff I was terrorized with for 3-4 weeks.
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Old 22nd January 2018, 9:16 PM   #59
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Maybe it's time to stop talking about her and her issues and start focusing on how you're working on rebuilding your self-esteem. Are you seeing a therapist? What else have you been doing in terms of moving on?
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Old 23rd January 2018, 12:09 AM   #60
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There's psychological conditioning when you hear from someone all the time. That's why you miss her. It's like lovebombing (which you can Internet search for if you haven't heard of it). With some time of real NC, the feelings of missing her contact will pass.
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