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Huge dilemma on whether to try it again [Updated]


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I have discussed my relationship before and feel like I am just too weak to make any progress at all, and I need some unbiased advice, which I need to just follow before it gets worse.

 

 

As I previously discussed, my girlfriend and I had an awful fight 2 months ago where a third party called the police on us after she initiated contact with me in a parking lot and hit her face on my elbow to give herself a bloody nose and this happened after she threw a drink on me over something inconsequential to our relationship. The cops showed up, no charges were filed and nothing came of it. What made matters awful was she had called my mother to come pick her up and she and five of my close friends witnessed me being handcuffed.

 

 

We have taken two months apart. She has sought therapy and is now taking medication to help with her depression and anxiety. I agreed to meet her for dinner this weekend to talk and clear the air. She seemed to be doing better, and she of course wants to continue our relationship and move forward. But I am confused and still slightly afraid.

 

 

I discussed the possibility of trying it again with some of my friends and was basically told they'd support me, but they did not want to be around us together because of fear of another fight and police showing up.

 

 

I was the happiest I ever was at one point with this girl, but she has not been the same for 6 months since she fell into depression. Part of me wants to try it again, but I fear we'll never recapture what we had when things were good. And I worry how the rest of my friends and family would react if I told them I was seeing her again.

 

 

Am I just being weak by even entertaining this idea? I will admit part of me is actually afraid of being alone. I'm 29, had 2 failed 2+ year relationships and I thought this girl was the one when I met her. But now it seems like it's more trouble than it's worth, and I'm just too weak to walk away and tell her we need to end things and move on. I love and care about her, but this may be a time when I need to just cut her off and heal.

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I am just too weak to make any progress at all

 

That in itself is a clear indication that you should not be anywhere near her or even contemplate a relationship.

 

I will admit part of me is actually afraid of being alone. I'm 29, had 2 failed 2+ year relationships and I thought this girl was the one when I met her. But now it seems like it's more trouble than it's worth, and I'm just too weak to walk away and tell her we need to end things and move on. I love and care about her, but this may be a time when I need to just cut her off and heal.

 

I would move on from this woman. I remember your threads. Two months isn't much of an investment when it comes to change. She's barely touched the surface. Your presence in her life is likely going to reverse her attempt at change because people often get comfortable once they're back together and revert back to their old behaviors. And you both seem to feed into each other's dysfunction.

 

You're 29 with two failed long term relationships. That's nothing. At 46, I'm finally in a relationship that's loving and nurturing. When you start revolving your joy and contentment with life based on whether you're in a relationship or not, you're going to be picking and settling for whatever comes around.

 

If you are afraid of being alone, seek help to manage those types of irrational thought patterns. Usually, people that think that way are co-dependent seeking to cling to another because they're not whole within themselves.

 

You love and care for her -- now is the time to love and care for yourself. Cut her off and heal. Focus on your own self-development.

Edited by Zahara
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I have discussed my relationship before and feel like I am just too weak to make any progress at all, and I need some unbiased advice, which I need to just follow before it gets worse.

 

 

As I previously discussed, my girlfriend and I had an awful fight 2 months ago where a third party called the police on us after she initiated contact with me in a parking lot and hit her face on my elbow to give herself a bloody nose and this happened after she threw a drink on me over something inconsequential to our relationship. The cops showed up, no charges were filed and nothing came of it. What made matters awful was she had called my mother to come pick her up and she and five of my close friends witnessed me being handcuffed.

 

 

We have taken two months apart. She has sought therapy and is now taking medication to help with her depression and anxiety. I agreed to meet her for dinner this weekend to talk and clear the air. She seemed to be doing better, and she of course wants to continue our relationship and move forward. But I am confused and still slightly afraid.

 

 

I discussed the possibility of trying it again with some of my friends and was basically told they'd support me, but they did not want to be around us together because of fear of another fight and police showing up.

 

 

I was the happiest I ever was at one point with this girl, but she has not been the same for 6 months since she fell into depression. Part of me wants to try it again, but I fear we'll never recapture what we had when things were good. And I worry how the rest of my friends and family would react if I told them I was seeing her again.

 

 

Am I just being weak by even entertaining this idea? I will admit part of me is actually afraid of being alone. I'm 29, had 2 failed 2+ year relationships and I thought this girl was the one when I met her. But now it seems like it's more trouble than it's worth, and I'm just too weak to walk away and tell her we need to end things and move on. I love and care about her, but this may be a time when I need to just cut her off and heal.

 

Hi tarheelian,

 

You say:-

 

"... As I previously discussed, my girlfriend and I had an awful fight 2 months ago where a third party called the police on us after she initiated contact with me in a parking lot and hit her face on my elbow to give herself a bloody nose and this happened after she threw a drink on me over something inconsequential to our relationship. The cops showed up, no charges were filed and nothing came of it. What made matters awful was she had called my mother to come pick her up and she and five of my close friends witnessed me being handcuffed ..."

 

If this happened to me .... this would be a deal breaker for any future contact - this is serious and she took things beyond the extremes

 

"... She seemed to be doing better, and she of course wants to continue our relationship and move forward. But I am confused and still slightly afraid ..."

 

Good that she is doing better .... however, I personally think you should still be afraid ... she pulled the police on you once - this is what she is capable of .... I would not go there again with her

 

"... I discussed the possibility of trying it again with some of my friends and was basically told they'd support me, but they did not want to be around us together because of fear of another fight and police showing up ..."

 

Your friends are telling you that she is not the type of person they are comfortable being around and socialising with ... and I don't think you should be either

 

"... Am I just being weak by even entertaining this idea? ..."

 

Er ... yes!

 

"... I will admit part of me is actually afraid of being alone ..."

 

I would much rather be alone than be walking on eggshells all the time wondering if she is about to erupt again

 

"... I will admit part of me is actually afraid of being alone. I'm 29, had 2 failed 2+ year relationships ..."

 

I understand you are afraid of being along .... but isn't being alone better than being in what I can only assume was a very toxic relationship?

 

"... But now it seems like it's more trouble than it's worth, and I'm just too weak to walk away and tell her we need to end things and move on. I love and care about her, but this may be a time when I need to just cut her off and heal"

 

I agree that in all likeliness it would be more trouble than it is worth - and you are bang on in saying it is time to cut her off and heal

 

Maybe you need to get yourself "out there" more .... join some clubs maybe ... meet new people .... someone else will come along in time for sure. However I do agree you need to cut her off ... have some "you" time - get your thoughts together and move on.

 

I understand when you say that you do love her and care for her .... but sometimes the people we love and care for still aren't the right ones for us in a relationship.

 

I wish you well.

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That in itself is a clear indication that you should not be anywhere near her or even contemplate a relationship.

 

 

 

I would move on from this woman. I remember your threads. Two months isn't much of an investment when it comes to change. She's barely touched the surface. Your presence in her life is likely going to reverse her attempt at change because people often get comfortable once they're back together and revert back to their old behaviors. And you both seem to feed into each other's dysfunction.

 

You're 29 with two failed long term relationships. That's nothing. At 46, I'm finally in a relationship that's loving and nurturing. When you start revolving your joy and contentment with life based on whether you're in a relationship or not, you're going to be picking and settling for whatever comes around.

 

If you are afraid of being alone, seek help to manage those types of irrational thought patterns. Usually, people that think that way are co-dependent seeking to cling to another because they're not whole within themselves.

 

You love and care for her -- now is the time to love and care for yourself. Cut her off and heal. Focus on your own self-development.

 

 

 

The issue is, deep down I know this relationship won't work and it scares me. She wants to move on like nothing happened 2 months ago and continue to plan our future now that she's feeling better. And I do think there is a bit of co-dependency. She can't go more than a day without seeing me. If I do have a night to myself, she still wants me to come by her place to see her for 10 minutes or so. Sometimes after we spend 2-3 days together, she cries if I try to leave and tells me she can't sleep or function if I'm not there with her. Mind you, when that happened, we didn't do anything together, but she just needed me sitting there with her.

 

 

I actually like being alone with myself. My fear goes more to I'm almost 30, and if I end this, I won't be in a relationship and I fear people will just move on without me. Terrible reason to be with someone I know. I'm just thinking out loud. My father was 44 before he got married. I know I shouldn't rush.

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The issue is, deep down I know this relationship won't work and it scares me. She wants to move on like nothing happened 2 months ago and continue to plan our future now that she's feeling better. And I do think there is a bit of co-dependency. She can't go more than a day without seeing me. If I do have a night to myself, she still wants me to come by her place to see her for 10 minutes or so. Sometimes after we spend 2-3 days together, she cries if I try to leave and tells me she can't sleep or function if I'm not there with her. Mind you, when that happened, we didn't do anything together, but she just needed me sitting there with her.

 

 

I actually like being alone with myself. My fear goes more to I'm almost 30, and if I end this, I won't be in a relationship and I fear people will just move on without me. Terrible reason to be with someone I know. I'm just thinking out loud. My father was 44 before he got married. I know I shouldn't rush.

 

You have just said "I know this relationship won't work" ...

 

That says it all .... there seems really no point in pursuing something that is doomed from the start.

 

She sounds very, very needy and clingy and that, in itself, can drag someone down - i.e. you.

 

I really do not see a good outcome if you two did resume a relationship.

 

30 is no age ... you are still young ... my husband did not meet me until he was 36 ... and plenty of people do not settle down until after that age! Don't beat yourself up about this ... you will more than likely meet someone when you are least expecting it!

 

Good luck.

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The issue is, deep down I know this relationship won't work and it scares me. She wants to move on like nothing happened 2 months ago and continue to plan our future now that she's feeling better. And I do think there is a bit of co-dependency. She can't go more than a day without seeing me. If I do have a night to myself, she still wants me to come by her place to see her for 10 minutes or so. Sometimes after we spend 2-3 days together, she cries if I try to leave and tells me she can't sleep or function if I'm not there with her. Mind you, when that happened, we didn't do anything together, but she just needed me sitting there with her.

 

 

I actually like being alone with myself. My fear goes more to I'm almost 30, and if I end this, I won't be in a relationship and I fear people will just move on without me. Terrible reason to be with someone I know. I'm just thinking out loud. My father was 44 before he got married. I know I shouldn't rush.

 

From everything you've written, I think it's clear that you want to and should move on. I understand the feelings you are having which make it difficult to do so. I myself was hanging onto someone who was really bad for me because I didn't want to go through the whole process again. In the end, I think I will be much better off. Good luck.

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The issue is, deep down I know this relationship won't work and it scares me. She wants to move on like nothing happened 2 months ago and continue to plan our future now that she's feeling better. And I do think there is a bit of co-dependency. She can't go more than a day without seeing me. If I do have a night to myself, she still wants me to come by her place to see her for 10 minutes or so. Sometimes after we spend 2-3 days together, she cries if I try to leave and tells me she can't sleep or function if I'm not there with her. Mind you, when that happened, we didn't do anything together, but she just needed me sitting there with her.

 

 

I actually like being alone with myself. My fear goes more to I'm almost 30, and if I end this, I won't be in a relationship and I fear people will just move on without me. Terrible reason to be with someone I know. I'm just thinking out loud. My father was 44 before he got married. I know I shouldn't rush.

 

After all you've said, it is in your best interest to move on.

 

If you fear being alone, then work on those issues. Be proactive and start seeking counselling. Don't stew in them and allow these patterns to rule your life. The sooner you work on reversing these patterns, the sooner you start to build better boundaries and standards for yourself.

 

Stop attaching your age to the quality/contentment of your life. A relationship isn't the end all be all. Your dependence on a relationship to help you feel whole is destructive.

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From everything you've written, I think it's clear that you want to and should move on. I understand the feelings you are having which make it difficult to do so. I myself was hanging onto someone who was really bad for me because I didn't want to go through the whole process again. In the end, I think I will be much better off. Good luck.

 

Yeah, I feel like I am basically holding on thinking something will happen that I know in the back of my mind won't happen (that things get back to how they used to be). And I'm holding onto her because I fear never seeing her again. But as of now, being with her feels like a chore. Spending time with her before our break felt exhausting because she always needed all my emotions and time. I was devoting to spending 5-6 days a week doing things with her. She stopped trying to make friends or have a life of her own when we met.

 

 

I just think we are bad for each other.

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After all you've said, it is in your best interest to move on.

 

If you fear being alone, then work on those issues. Be proactive and start seeking counselling. Don't stew in them and allow these patterns to rule your life. The sooner you work on reversing these patterns, the sooner you start to build better boundaries and standards for yourself.

 

Stop attaching your age to the quality/contentment of your life. A relationship isn't the end all be all. Your dependence on a relationship to help you feel whole is destructive.

 

It's strange. I like being alone with myself and I can have fun and enjoy my life without someone - I was happier when I met her than I am today. I just like having someone in it. I've always had issues letting go of things and it scares me to think I'll end things with this girl and I'll regret it a month later. But I also don't want to hurt my friendships and relationship with my family by dating her, and they all have serious issues with me considering seeing her again.

 

 

I think the toughest part is if I do leave her, it will hurt her so much and tear her apart. I just will hate to do it, but I can't stay in something that I know isn't working for me, and knowing she's unwilling to do what I need to make it work.

Edited by tarheelian
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It's strange. I like being alone with myself and I can have fun and enjoy my life without someone - I was happier when I met her than I am today. I just like having someone in it. I've always had issues letting go of things and it scares me to think I'll end things with this girl and I'll regret it a month later. But I also don't want to hurt my friendships and relationship with my family by dating her, and they all have serious issues with me considering seeing her again.

 

And you can go back to being alone and enjoying that aloneness. The reason you can't get there is because you're still in an emotional fog. We all like having someone in our lives but it's not worth it when having that someone comes at the expense of damaging your emotional and mental wellbeing.

 

Go back and read your threads, or better yet, write a list of all the negatives that you encountered during your relationship with her. When you start to regret, then remind yourself of your reality. It's easy to romanticize a relationship even when it was bad. Counter that by giving yourself a reality check.

 

Your family, friends and those that have posted on LS have all expressed that this is bad for you. You have no sense of clarity because you're emotional -- your judgment is skewed and unreliable. Lean on your friends and family as they only want what's best for you and they can see the train wreck that's ahead of you.

 

I think the toughest part is if I do leave her, it will hurt her so much and tear her apart. I just will hate to do it, but I can't stay in something that I know isn't working for me, and knowing she's unwilling to do what I need to make it work.

 

She'll get over it. Just like you will get over it. Break-ups are difficult but people get through them and move on. Yes, the initial stages are painful but that pain is temporary. Staying and committing yourself to someone that is toxic is pain that is permanent. Stop worrying about her -- you need to focus on your own issues.

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I have discussed my relationship before and feel like I am just too weak to make any progress at all, and I need some unbiased advice, which I need to just follow before it gets worse.

 

 

As I previously discussed, my girlfriend and I had an awful fight 2 months ago where a third party called the police on us after she initiated contact with me in a parking lot and hit her face on my elbow to give herself a bloody nose and this happened after she threw a drink on me over something inconsequential to our relationship. The cops showed up, no charges were filed and nothing came of it. What made matters awful was she had called my mother to come pick her up and she and five of my close friends witnessed me being handcuffed.

 

 

We have taken two months apart. She has sought therapy and is now taking medication to help with her depression and anxiety. I agreed to meet her for dinner this weekend to talk and clear the air. She seemed to be doing better, and she of course wants to continue our relationship and move forward. But I am confused and still slightly afraid.

 

 

I discussed the possibility of trying it again with some of my friends and was basically told they'd support me, but they did not want to be around us together because of fear of another fight and police showing up.

 

 

I was the happiest I ever was at one point with this girl, but she has not been the same for 6 months since she fell into depression. Part of me wants to try it again, but I fear we'll never recapture what we had when things were good. And I worry how the rest of my friends and family would react if I told them I was seeing her again.

 

 

Am I just being weak by even entertaining this idea? I will admit part of me is actually afraid of being alone. I'm 29, had 2 failed 2+ year relationships and I thought this girl was the one when I met her. But now it seems like it's more trouble than it's worth, and I'm just too weak to walk away and tell her we need to end things and move on. I love and care about her, but this may be a time when I need to just cut her off and heal.

 

but you are not too weak. You have walked away and been able to stay away for two months.

 

Listen, I generally am going to say it's probably a bad idea to get back together with her. Definitely for the reason you listed above (being weak and being afraid to tell her you need to move on). You also don't have to "answer" her now. It sounds like you are afraid of the unknown rather than any real connection with her (that connection you had is gone and you are well aware of that).

 

However, specifically you can pick a middle ground if you must try with her--that is, wait until you have more proof that she is stable and can be in a healthy relationship with you. I'd say most people can't fix big problems like she was having and your relationship had, in a two month period. To make significant changes to oneself in order to be in a healthy relationship it probably takes longer. So if you feel you must try one last time then don't do it immediately, maybe stay in contact a little bit, do some friend dates and see if she is stable and can remain like that consistently over time before you jump back in with both feet and put yourself in a high pressure situation (like trying to resurrect the relationship). BTW, not agreeing to the relationship immediately might be high-pressure for her (and you too possibly) which will also be a good test of her stability. She should be willing to prove herself, over time and agree to a protracted period of "seeing if we should get back together"---if she has truly changed--i find it doubtful on all counts but if you must, I would only under those conditions. Good luck

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Hi there Tarheelian,

 

 

I haven't read your post in full or the other posters posts as ive got a limited amount of time here, but what I will say in all of this is that people don't just go calling the police for no reason!!! take that in itself as a warning to stop whatever silliness or games that have gone on and move on...you were lucky nothing more serious came of it!

 

 

if you haven't left this person already, then if I were you id start walking and pretty sharpish.

 

 

I don't feel you can really achieve anything from staying with this person or the situations you could find yourself in, in the future if you decide to give it a second chance.

 

 

Love is about having and showing respect, talking to others, honesty and doing the right thing because you are mature enough and have enough about you to just be without having to mould yourself to someone else...and in tern they will accept that in you/you in them...

 

 

there are lots of good, decent people out there who if you walk for long enough you will find them; be it as a new friend or person that can give you more.

 

 

just talk to this person so they know where they stand with you....remember; its about respect blah blah...

 

 

good luck, maxi...ps, just make sure you don't come back on here telling us about giving this person a "5th chance and a black eye"!!!!! LOL LOL....

 

 

see ya.XX

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but you are not too weak. You have walked away and been able to stay away for two months.

 

Listen, I generally am going to say it's probably a bad idea to get back together with her. Definitely for the reason you listed above (being weak and being afraid to tell her you need to move on). You also don't have to "answer" her now. It sounds like you are afraid of the unknown rather than any real connection with her (that connection you had is gone and you are well aware of that).

 

However, specifically you can pick a middle ground if you must try with her--that is, wait until you have more proof that she is stable and can be in a healthy relationship with you. I'd say most people can't fix big problems like she was having and your relationship had, in a two month period. To make significant changes to oneself in order to be in a healthy relationship it probably takes longer. So if you feel you must try one last time then don't do it immediately, maybe stay in contact a little bit, do some friend dates and see if she is stable and can remain like that consistently over time before you jump back in with both feet and put yourself in a high pressure situation (like trying to resurrect the relationship). BTW, not agreeing to the relationship immediately might be high-pressure for her (and you too possibly) which will also be a good test of her stability. She should be willing to prove herself, over time and agree to a protracted period of "seeing if we should get back together"---if she has truly changed--i find it doubtful on all counts but if you must, I would only under those conditions. Good luck

 

The problem why I feel so much pressure now is she's basically given me an ultimatum - that I fix the issues we have now with other people or she will walk away. I told her I needed more time and people are not that quick to forget, but she's adamant. But when I have told her to just walk away, she starts panicking and threatening all kinds of things.

 

 

As to the other post for the police, we were unfortunately in the wrong place at the wrong time and a drunk couple saw us arguing and called. I was lucky she told the police the truth but it was very frightening. So I did stay away from her as long as I could but she kept trying to see me and contact me during that time.

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I just hate all of this. We have moments where it all seems like things will be fine and that she's doing better. I feel like I can't bring myself to cut her off, but I am afraid that if I stay it will damage my friendships with people who disagree with my decision. And I don't know if my family will ever accept us together again.

 

 

My biggest fear is walking away without trying and regretting it the rest of my life.

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I just hate all of this. We have moments where it all seems like things will be fine and that she's doing better. I feel like I can't bring myself to cut her off, but I am afraid that if I stay it will damage my friendships with people who disagree with my decision. And I don't know if my family will ever accept us together again.

 

 

My biggest fear is walking away without trying and regretting it the rest of my life.

 

The fact that she put an ultimatum on you about trying again is already a red flag. Someone that is self-aware and is reflective isn't going to do that but understand that change takes time and effort. Two months in is too soon. The fact that she is resistant to anything but getting her way is another sign to you that nothing much has changed.

 

I think that some people need to hit their absolute rock bottom to learn the lesson, the very hard way. And maybe you need that to finally come to some form of acceptance.

 

The fact that you claimed to have difficulty being alone is another reason why this at some point will fail again because both of you are functioning on dysfunction.

 

Your family and friends will see you fall and rise. I'm sure they'll accept your choices but that doesn't mean that they have to participate in your relationship. They may not like it and they may find it very difficult to see you self-destruct but most times they'll love you unconditionally and be there when you need them.

Edited by Zahara
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The fact that she put an ultimatum on you about trying again is already a red flag. Someone that is self-aware and is reflective isn't going to do that but understand that change takes time and effort. Two months in is too soon. The fact that she is resistant to anything but getting her way is another sign to you that nothing much has changed.

 

I think that some people need to hit their absolute rock bottom to learn the lesson, the very hard way. And maybe you need that to finally come to some form of acceptance.

 

The fact that you claimed to have difficulty being alone is another reason why this at some point will fail again because both of you are functioning on dysfunction.

 

Your family and friends will see you fall and rise. I'm sure they'll accept your choices but that doesn't mean that they have to participate in your relationship. They may not like it and they may find it very difficult to see you self-destruct but most times they'll love you unconditionally and be there when you need them.

 

From those I have spoke to, the reaction has been mixed. They have all said they'd support me, but a few said they see it as a terrible decision to try it again - and that it would be a ticking time bomb until things exploded again. Others have said that if she's doing better they think it will be ok.

 

 

My biggest issue is timing. I felt I needed more time, as do others, and she's wanting to pick up where we left off and go full steam ahead like nothing happened. She still wants to move in with me in March, which I think about be a terrible decision.

 

 

Deep down, and I know I have said this, I think this relationship has to end for her to get better or nothing will change. That doesn't mean I don't love and care for her, but I don't think she will be able to make the necessary changes until she's alone and forced to do it. She's still making demands of me, still gets upset if I do things when she's not around. Three times last week she exhibited this behavior like she used to do. The only difference was I kept my calm and didn't let her escalate it.

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My biggest issue is timing. I felt I needed more time, as do others, and she's wanting to pick up where we left off and go full steam ahead like nothing happened. She still wants to move in with me in March, which I think about be a terrible decision.

 

Deep down, and I know I have said this, I think this relationship has to end for her to get better or nothing will change. That doesn't mean I don't love and care for her, but I don't think she will be able to make the necessary changes until she's alone and forced to do it. She's still making demands of me, still gets upset if I do things when she's not around. Three times last week she exhibited this behavior like she used to do. The only difference was I kept my calm and didn't let her escalate it.

 

So really, nothing has changed, except that you accepted and enabled more bad behavior.

 

I think you are where you are and your inability to let go isn't because of this woman but because of your own demons. It was very apparent in your opening statement.

 

I am just too weak to make any progress at all

 

I will admit part of me is actually afraid of being alone.
Edited by Zahara
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So really, nothing has changed, except that you accepted and enabled more bad behavior.

 

I think you are where you are and your inability to let go isn't because of this woman but because of your own demons. It was very apparent in your opening statement.

 

You're right. God knows I have demons in my life. I think it's obvious she won't change without extended time apart without any contact, and a clean break is what is needed. Otherwise, she will continue to lean on me for everything and I will keep enabling her behavior. Before I know it, I will be living with her, unhappy, doing whatever she asks of me on her schedule regardless of whether it makes me happy or not. That isn't a life I want to live.

 

 

Her inability to exist or do anything outside of me is a deal breaker and has drained me of any sort of emotion I can muster anymore. Even today, after I devoted last night to her, she's pitching a fit that I don't want to exercise after a 9 hour work day today. That will be my life if I keep going with this, every day, until I just stop caring and become a zombie following her every wish and need.

Edited by tarheelian
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You're right. God knows I have demons in my life. I think it's obvious she won't change without extended time apart without any contact, and a clean break is what is needed. Otherwise, she will continue to lean on me for everything and I will keep enabling her behavior. Before I know it, I will be living with her, unhappy, doing whatever she asks of me on her schedule regardless of whether it makes me happy or not. That isn't a life I want to live.

 

 

Her inability to exist or do anything outside of me is a deal breaker and has drained me of any sort of emotion I can muster anymore. Even today, after I devoted last night to her, she's pitching a fit that I don't want to exercise after a 9 hour work day today. That will be my life if I keep going with this, every day, until I just stop caring and become a zombie following her every wish and need.

 

Tar, these are all sorts of red flags. It is evident that nothing has changed and I can see why your family and friends feel the way they do. She sounds incredibly controlling, needy and insecure. She may be seeing a therapist but even with time and distance, there is no guarantee that change will happen. It seems that she is likely only doing this because she's hoping you'll be with her.

 

If anything, you should be focusing on why you are in a mindset that tolerates this sort of treatment.

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Tar, these are all sorts of red flags. It is evident that nothing has changed and I can see why your family and friends feel the way they do. She sounds incredibly controlling, needy and insecure. She may be seeing a therapist but even with time and distance, there is no guarantee that change will happen. It seems that she is likely only doing this because she's hoping you'll be with her.

 

If anything, you should be focusing on why you are in a mindset that tolerates this sort of treatment.

 

I tolerate too much and probably have my entire life. I've been leaned on by my family since I was 10 years old and never really got to live a childhood that was normal. I've sought therapy many times in the past but keep falling back into the same habits and I seem to attract the same kind of girls.

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I ended things last night with her and now she’s in the hospital for a suicide attempt!!! And wants me to come visit her. Her mother is now mad I didn’t do anything to stop her. She’s threatened suicide before but was always bluffing.

 

What on earth do I do?

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I ended things last night with her and now she’s in the hospital for a suicide attempt!!! And wants me to come visit her. Her mother is now mad I didn’t do anything to stop her. She’s threatened suicide before but was always bluffing.

 

What on earth do I do?

 

She has her family and friends to support her. You need to block her and move in with your life. Once and for all.

 

Stop feeling responsible for her. You need to start focusing on your own recovery.

 

The fact that she has used suicide as a manipulation tool several times before speaks of her emotional and mental state. I'm sorry she attempted this time and that you were not there to help her but you cannot take responsibility for her actions.

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She has her family and friends to support her. You need to block her and move in with your life. Once and for all.

 

Stop feeling responsible for her. You need to start focusing on your own recovery.

 

The fact that she has used suicide as a manipulation tool several times before speaks of her emotional and mental state. I'm sorry she attempted this time and that you were not there to help her but you cannot take responsibility for her actions.

 

She has threAtened before and said she’d stop if I came over to stay with her. She’s done this before and I’ve called the police and she was bluffing so I didn’t this time.

 

She says the hospital too all her things and she can’t call her family and wants me to come visit. I feel like it’s a bad idea.

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She has threAtened before and said she’d stop if I came over to stay with her. She’s done this before and I’ve called the police and she was bluffing so I didn’t this time.

 

She says the hospital too all her things and she can’t call her family and wants me to come visit. I feel like it’s a bad idea.

 

The hospital taking her things is none of your concern. It's a ploy to get you there. Her mother knows of her condition so I am sure she has family and friends that are surrounding her right now providing comfort and care.

 

She's manipulative. Period. If she is in the hospital, they are likely monitoring her and keeping her safe. Her family and friends will be her support system. You need to exit and move on and focus on your own recovery.

 

You need to block her. I am not sure how else to advise you since you resist ceasing communicating with her.

 

It would be in your best interest to seek professional help as well. And don't do it as a temporary/short term measure because you're suffering a break up but use it as an means to help you journey into rebuilding your self-esteem.

Edited by Zahara
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I know. Her family isn’t from this town and her friends aren’t aware. She keeps telling me she can’t call her mother because the hospital phone won’t make long distance calls and needs me to visit.

 

You’re right. I need to block her. Her mother is now angry I didn’t help her but I cannot make that choice to save her. I wasn’t going to go sleep with her while she was overdosing on pills. If she had died, I’d become a murder suspect. No way.

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