Ruined final shot :(

[emma10]

Hello,

 

I really need some advice. I will try to keep this short.

 

Basically, I have a one year old boy with my ex. He left me when I was pregnant due to my jealousy issues and my irrational behaviour. I had a lot of insecurities going on and every time he lied to me I would just blow up. He couldn't take anymore.

 

I have basically been trying to get him back ever since. I really love this guy.

 

I feel I have grown up a lot in the past year and I have worked on many things that were causing the issues. I have nailed the jealousy and comparing when we first met to now, it is miles apart in regards to the jealousy.

 

The thing that I do need more work on is how I react to things. When he lies to me I get so frustrated to the point where I do just blow his phone up or act irrationally which obviously makes things worse. Sometimes his lies are due to him being worried about how I will react to the truth (I react so much more positively to somebody being completely honest and open with me than I do lies) but also I think he lies out of habit too as some of them are totally uncalled for which confuse me.

 

I think lack of the right communication is definitely an issue of ours. I do react badly to lies but whenever I act in any kind of negative way he shuts himself off, ignores me and tells me he can't do this. I'm the type of person that does say and do things in the heat of the moment and I instantly regret it after, I try to make things right and it is very hard for me to give up on somebody that I love.

 

Basically, he did leave me when I was pregnant but we have had periods of seeing if we can try again in between. I was so desperate to get him back when he first left me that we ended up trying again without significant improvement because I didn't really make any changes. I will put my hands up and admit that, I just wanted our little family with the man I love so bad. I guess I got impatient because I was missing him, and also scared to leave it for an amount of time in case he met someone.

 

Then, a couple of months ago I started to really want to make it work with him but this time I wanted to really show him that I can be calmer and just a nicer person to be around when if and when something bad happens like another potential lie. I hate even going a day without speaking to him so I thought I would suggest going 6 weeks without contact (our son is an exception) and we wouldn't hang out like we normally would have done. And during that time I would work on my faults that were making us bad. At the end of it we would hang out and slowly try again. To my surprise he agreed to this and I was so unbelievably happy and motivated. For the most part I handled the no contact well. But I missed him terribly and over time I got less patient and I did end up ruining it a couple of times (not nearly as much as I thought I would though). Twice in 6 weeks I have acted irrationally (one being last night) and he says this was the final straw basically. I found out another lie and I felt so frustrated as I was finally starting to trust everything he told me and I didn't want to have to feel the need to start questioning him on things again. I hate questioning him and second guessing him, I love him and it makes me feel awful each time I do it but its hard not to when I know he is so capable of lying to me. I basically followed him and acted irrationally and told him I slept with my ex (have since proved I said it out of anger) but he said he has had enough of my behaviour. I haven't eaten in over 48 hours and have barely slept thinking about this.

 

His last words to me were that he doesn't think he will ever feel comfortable ever being in a relationship with me and that he wants to find someone he can have a fresh start with. I am so devastated and I need help. I have been racking my brain trying to think of ways that I can make this guy feel more comfortable and at ease. I have made a few suggestions to him but with no luck. I told him I can't be his friend because all I want to do is cuddle up with him, and I hate when he leaves, it doesn't feel natural to me to have a child with him and to want to be with him so bad for him to just leave and go back to his own home each time we hang out. Every time he leaves I just feel sick and down and wish I could be falling asleep with him, and to actually be with him. That, and I would never be able to handle him meeting somebody else, or knowing he is single and not knowing when he will next meet someone. That thought alone makes me so anxious.

 

He says he doesn't believe we will ever work because I always prove him right but compared to how I was when we first met to now, is such a huge difference and I still had so much more to show him

 

I need suggestions of any way I can make him feel more at ease, and to prove to him that I am no longer going to follow him if I was with him...there would be no need. The good times we have together are great, sometimes even perfect. He wants is great all the time and I need help with how to make that happen. I know I need to react better to things sometimes but how can I prove this to him if he wont let me?

 

I have proved so many other things to him which I am glad about but I need to prove that I can act rationally. It is like a viscious cycle because nearly every time I act like that is after he leaves me. I would never act like that if we were together...why would I need to? Its just his lies How can I react better to the lies? How can I make him feel more comfortable with me and not on edge worrying when I will next cause an argument with him?

 

Sorry, this turned out to be more of a rant. I would just really appreciate a bit of help here as I am losing my mind here

[emma10]

Some additional information- At the beginning of our relationship 2 years ago I was very insecure, I got jealous over such ridiculous things like even comparing myself to girls serving him in shops etc and obviously this was really hard work for him. That is all completely over with and has been for a while, it is just my irrational behaviour and him not being able to feel comfortable in getting into a relationship with me that is the main problem.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Some additional information- At the beginning of our relationship 2 years ago I was very insecure, I got jealous over such ridiculous things like even comparing myself to girls serving him in shops etc and obviously this was really hard work for him. That is all completely over with and has been for a while, it is just my irrational behaviour and him not being able to feel comfortable in getting into a relationship with me that is the main problem.

 

The way I see it, him lying to you is the #1 reason you and he aren't able to make a go of your relationship. Seems to me you're taking all the blame for the R failure when most of it rests on him.

 

To describe yourself as being at fault for being irrational while pregnant doesn't make a lot of sense to me because the hormonal upheaval experienced by mny pregnant women makes them irrational.

 

And any woman who is with a lying man will probably have cause for jealousy. How can you remain calm when you know your man is lying to you, for whatever reason.

 

You wrote that you're desperate for this relationship to work. Sadly, desperation is a state that pushes people away from us, all of us. Best thing you could do, and the hardest probably, is to cut this guy loose (move on with your life) and work on becoming an independent and self confident woman. Ironically that's exactly what will attract him back to you if that's ever to happen. But see, you can't cut him loose and become independent as a way to get him back, won't work. You have to truly move on with your life independently and once you do that you may not even ever want him back anyway.

[basil67]

Emma, your issues aside, why do you want to get back together with a guy who lies frequently? Surely this is a recipe for disaster.

[Blanco]

Well what exactly has he been lying about? Has he always lied throughout the relationship or did it just become more prevalent as your jealousy/insecurity grew? Does he lie to other people or just you?

 

I'm not taking up for him, because I do think honesty in a relationship is important. But I've been in a relationship where I began to lie through omission because I just couldn't handle how my then girlfriend might react and hold it over my head.

[Totally OP]

If the lies are minor lies ("I took the garbage out"), you shouldn't overreact that much. But then, why is he constantly lying about minor things?

There is no excuse for major lies, especially if they happen all the time.

 

Maybe you can help us explain what the "lying situation" is like? What kind of lies. Are half oh his statements lies? Why do you think he thinks that lying to you is better than telling the truth?

 

You have a child together, so cutting all the ties is probably not possible, but this doesn't sound like a relationship that is going to work.

[emma10]

Thank you for the replies. I took the blame because I DID make life for this guy hell. It definitely wasn't all him. At the start my jealousy issues were ridiculous, I just couldn't believe my luck that I was with someone like him and I got pregnant really quickly which made my jealousy issues worse. I am in so way trying to make it sound like I was perfect- I wasn't. I have finally got control of my jealousy which I never thought I would be able to do but as I said I still act irrationally, I always realise what I am doing seconds after but its in that split second that I speak/act out of anger, and that's what he cant take anymore. I guess even when things are great he worries when we will next argue. I hate that because there was so much improvement and so much to look forward to. I want to delete this post but apparently I can't. So I will no longer be checking this post.

[ExpatInItaly]

You relationship has always been rocky, from the sounds of it. This on-off cycle isn't good for either of you, and it certainly ins't good the your son.

 

Sometimes you just need to acknowledge that it's not working and instead figure out how you can move forward as peaceful co-parents.

[usa1ah]

Why be with someone that is always lying to you..........

 

I understand to a point but what is he lying about?

 

Why is he lying?

 

Sorry but it sounds like you are going to be better off with out him.

 

I can’t stand being lied to as well.