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Rejected Guy for Other, Regretting Decision, Want First Guy


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

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Old 19th October 2017, 12:17 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by JennaH View Post
Born-again. He is Catholic as is my family.
This is significant assuming you are both practicing.
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Old 19th October 2017, 12:27 AM   #17
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The friend knows you want to talk to him, so he knows you want to talk to him but still has you blocked. I would say there aren't any more moves for you to make...

I would move on from this if I were you. Besides, it doesn't even sound like you've properly ended things with B. I think anyone would find it difficult to take you seriously in a situation like this.
I have a few mutual friends that I will use to get in contact so I can at least apologize.

As far as him being Catholic, I was too, but my friend took me to her church and I stayed because of her. He is really open on religion because we talked about it. He told me he would always attend service with a spouse regardless of his faith because he thinks all faiths bring a lot of good points.
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Old 19th October 2017, 12:39 AM   #18
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From what you've written I think you could possibly get A back if you broke up with B, gave it a few weeks and wrote A a letter telling him you want to talk with him face-to-face. Then just tell him you blew it and admit what you did and why, explaining you realized you were being gamey and dishonest and made a mess of things but admit to him you have feelings for him and always have. Ask him to take some time to think about giving the two of you another chance to date. Something like that. It may or may not work, but I believe it may.

However, do you really want him? From what you've written it sounds as if you're not sure about it so I think down deep inside you don't want him. In that case, were I you, I'd move on. The last thing you want to do is mess with him some more.

It sounds to me that you need to do some maturing which is not a bad thing, so no offense. Do you really know yourself and what you want? Sounds to me as if you may not...
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Old 19th October 2017, 12:56 AM   #19
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From what you've written I think you could possibly get A back if you broke up with B, gave it a few weeks and wrote A a letter telling him you want to talk with him face-to-face. Then just tell him you blew it and admit what you did and why, explaining you realized you were being gamey and dishonest and made a mess of things but admit to him you have feelings for him and always have. Ask him to take some time to think about giving the two of you another chance to date. Something like that. It may or may not work, but I believe it may.

However, do you really want him? From what you've written it sounds as if you're not sure about it so I think down deep inside you don't want him. In that case, were I you, I'd move on. The last thing you want to do is mess with him some more.

It sounds to me that you need to do some maturing which is not a bad thing, so no offense. Do you really know yourself and what you want? Sounds to me as if you may not...
No, you are very right! I will write to him because that is how he communicated with me and I have his home address. My biggest concerns were my church friends' opinions and my own insecurities, but look what those got me. I do know what I want and A literally checked off most of my boxes except for a few minor items and the religious difference. I would honestly consider going back to being Catholic because of my grandmother and parents.

Yes, I really want him. I just feel pressure based on timing and I wonder if he would stick with someone like me after I shook his trust. His friends probably hate me because I made him cry really bad.

I feel he would give me a chance. I literally treated him like a husband in school, but he thought I was messing with him. What I did at the end really must've destroyed trust in women because he told his friend that he would rather be single and not date until he is 30. I should at least try and apologize.

Last edited by JennaH; 19th October 2017 at 12:58 AM..
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Old 19th October 2017, 1:51 AM   #20
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I have a few mutual friends that I will use to get in contact so I can at least apologize.
As far as him being Catholic, I was too, but my friend took me to her church and I stayed because of her. He is really open on religion because we talked about it. He told me he would always attend service with a spouse regardless of his faith because he thinks all faiths bring a lot of good points.
I think you guys are a good match in this way. I believe you are both predominantly Cultural Christians.

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Originally Posted by JennaH View Post
No, you are very right! I will write to him because that is how he communicated with me and I have his home address. My biggest concerns were my church friends' opinions and my own insecurities, but look what those got me. I do know what I want and A literally checked off most of my boxes except for a few minor items and the religious difference. I would honestly consider going back to being Catholic because of my grandmother and parents.
Yes, I really want him. I just feel pressure based on timing and I wonder if he would stick with someone like me after I shook his trust. His friends probably hate me because I made him cry really bad.
I feel he would give me a chance. I literally treated him like a husband in school, but he thought I was messing with him. What I did at the end really must've destroyed trust in women because he told his friend that he would rather be single and not date until he is 30. I should at least try and apologize.
If you give him a plausible explanation for your actions he will at least think about giving you another chance.
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Old 19th October 2017, 2:13 AM   #21
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I will give him a full explanation. The way he wrote to me sounded unbelievably advanced and I know I will need to spell check a million times. I feel bad that I ignored him and cut him out because he is a really good guy. He may not have been as assertive as B, but he was not as needy or paranoid.
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Old 20th October 2017, 11:07 AM   #22
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Update!

He responded to my letter that I had my friend give to him at his home yesterday. She is his neighbor. He did not sound happy in his response:


"Jenna,

I am responding in regards to your letter. I appreciate the thought, but that is it. I would love to reconnect, but I am afraid that I would not be able to trust you like before. Not only that, but you did not even want to keep the slightest bit of contact with me, professional or otherwise. I felt used and discarded. You also discarded me by text and did not think I deserved a face-to-face explanation.

Now, before you think I'm being overly sensitive I want to you to think about my experience. I was led on for 5 months. That is painful when you are told that it was just a game after 5 months. I really thought me and you developed a bond with each other, but I was just an option. Now, imagine if I did that to you. Well, I may be someone else's priority in the future, so why should I settle for being your backup prize? You were my priority. I am sorry if I came across strong, but you meant a lot to me as a friend or otherwise. I am shy at heart, so it is extremely difficult for me to vocalize my true feelings as it has sabotaged my chances with girls in the past and has made me very guarded and a laughing stock at times.

I am sorry things did not work out with the guy you were dating, but that is your problem. If you want anything to do with me, you have to start by repairing the friendship you discarded which in almost nonexistent at this point. So, no I do not want to go out. Besides, you have some thinking and maturing to do. I do not want to be your toy again.

Good day"

I smell his friend putting her nose into this. I called her up and she said "Actions do speak louder than words" after I got his email. I really poured my guts out.

Last edited by JennaH; 20th October 2017 at 11:10 AM..
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Old 20th October 2017, 11:40 AM   #23
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I wouldn’t be so quick to blame his friend for those expressions. Those are genuine feelings people experience when they’ve been “dumped.” Some happily accept being second choice; others not so much. Shy people would be all the more hesitant. Can you understand how that might feel?

You laid it all out there and received a response. At least he answered, which is more than many people get in return. Sorry but I think it’s time to move in from this. Are you still with B?

Last edited by springy; 20th October 2017 at 11:43 AM..
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Old 20th October 2017, 11:58 AM   #24
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B is actually thinking about moving away, so I'm getting out of that. I told him that I am not too comfortable about how things have panned out anyway. His dad wants to move to Georgia. I'll just say no long distance relationships and end it.

When me and A's friend talked, I did not realize how much I had hurt him. She said she had never seen him cry like he did. He even cried a little at Disneyland when they went on my favorite ride because he remembered I liked it.

I actually want to try and be A's friend again. I know it is a long shot. He has never been this cold. I mean, he said he would always be there for me even when I told him to buzz off. I do not even know why I was so mean to him in reflection because he was always sweet.

How do I build that trust?
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Old 20th October 2017, 12:34 PM   #25
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I will just say that if I were A, I would find it very difficult to take you seriously with the passive way in which you are handling ending things with B. I think I mentioned that before, and I think that is important for you to consider. I'm not sure how you hang onto someone you say you don't want, and wait for the easy way out to fall into your lap. What is your reasoning for not just ending it now? Is he under the impression that you've ended things with B?

Anyway...as far as gaining trust back I would say after B moves away you can slowly try to build a friendship again, but you may find that it never goes back to what it was. Don't be pushy about it, but for now I would give him the gift of space. You might let him know that when/if he is ready to start rebuilding that friendship you would like him to reach out to you. If that day never comes you just have to accept that damage to relationships is not always repairable. You might take some time to figure out why you were so mean to him as well. You may not like this guy like you think you do - he's just looking like a better option than B.
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Old 20th October 2017, 12:48 PM   #26
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I'm going to drop B. I might do it tomorrow. I haven't been taking his calls or texts for a few days. A is aware of that.

I truly love A and I told him he was my first choice, but I thought he did not want to pursue me. Yes, he told me how he felt, but I thought he was just going to walk away after that since he did not ask me out. I think he has low self-esteem because he does not realize that he actually looks handsome.

His friend may be an issue. The two had crushes on each other, but at different times. She is pretty and always has his attention and she hates me. I think any attempt at friendship would be shot down by her. I get it, she was there for him when I went off with B, but if she is not in love with B, then why should she be butting in?

Last edited by JennaH; 20th October 2017 at 12:53 PM..
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Old 20th October 2017, 1:12 PM   #27
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*if she is not in love with A
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Old 20th October 2017, 1:12 PM   #28
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but if she is not in love with B, then why should she be butting in?
I assume you mean A instead of B...and my answer to this question would be, because she is his friend. Same as your friends butted in and influenced your decision.
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Old 20th October 2017, 1:24 PM   #29
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Been 2 and a half years since my ex ended things. We reconnected briefly for a year later and then she disappeared again.


Since the start of this year, she has been contacting me once per month. I only responded once and asked her what she wanted to say and got no response. Then the monthly texts continued.


Some of her texts have been the following:


How have you been?
How's life going?
Are you married?
I wish you a good life (which was later followed up by another "how have you been?")


It all depends on the breakup but the way you ended things with guy A was pretty bad. My Ex actually dumped me for another guy when I was visiting her in her country and we had known each other for 10 years.


So I think I can give you a perspective as to how guy A is feeling here.


One of the hardest things for me was to gradually regain my self-respect. It takes a lot of effort and after all a while I realised that was an essential part of healing. It wasn't always fun ignoring my Ex but I had to for my own survival.


The thing is but, those text messages she sent came from a bad place and I know I was right and ignoring them. Each time she sent those texts, the more it made me realise she didn't care for my feelings at all.


I can understand a dumper may not want to do a 180 and come running back, but the reality is that the dumpee always has so much more to lose. Put it this way, a dumpee probably has a 95 per cent chance of being burnt by another encounter with the dumper. Whereas, for the dumper, its probably more like 50/50 and at least if the dumpee rejects them, its just the first time.


However, you go about this, do your best not to undo the work guy A has dome for himself. It's going to be very selfish of you if you engage with him just to get the upper had or get to apologise or whatever and then disappear again.


Everyone loses when a relationship ends so don't be so selfish to think you can come out of this with no pain or guilt etc. He has had to take the pain and work on himself. So you must be prepared to do the same. It needs to be you taking this risk and if it doesn't work out, you need to quietly leave the scene with no parting shots and no more ways to undermine his self-respect.
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Old 20th October 2017, 1:25 PM   #30
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I admit that my friends were a mistake on my end. I should've just listened to my first instinct with A. I thought A would at least give me a second chance because he always seemed very forgiving.
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