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Broke up because I wanted to fish-around


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

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Old 28th September 2017, 10:59 AM   #1
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Broke up because I wanted to fish-around

I have been dating this one girl for about 6 years, she's two years older than me, already has a place of her own and a career. She was my first girlfriend and the last of those 6 years I fell out of love. We had a big fight and I proposed a break up, she begged for a second chance and a couple weeks later, I couldn't handle it and called it off for good. She didn't beg for us to get back after that.

Our relationship has gotten boring, all she did was work, eat, sleep, and plus we only saw each other 2x a week. I wanted something new, I didn't want to settle with her. My friends told me they were stayed with their first girlfriends anyways.

Fast forward a year, I've been regretting it! This is a prime example of you don't know you had it good until you lose it. All the girls I dated didn't get my sense of humor like she did. At the time she didn't have a car but was still bus to all of my soccer games even in the dead of winter (even after a 12hr day or working/studying). I on the other hand would lie and say I was too busy to hangout with her and her friends. She was always excited to me even after all these years, she tried to plan outings so we could have more quality time but I make them shorter in duration. She did this annoying thing where she'd tell me guys would hit on her for my attention, but she gave up on that when she realised I didn't care. All she did was tell me how handsome and how fit I was and how she's gained a few a pounds and didn't look as good. You know what I told her? I told her to go "work out, then". The list goes on and it's only now I realise and apreciate all the small thing.

All the good things I didn't see in her, other guys see it. The guys that said were hitting on her did exist after all and now that we're no longer a couple, they are like bees to honey! She hasn't spoken a word to me ever since the breakup besides asking for her stuff back. I talked to our mutual friends and they say she doesn't hate me, she still loves me, but she wants to move on. Her friends say she's having a hard time finding a guy because she's afraid another guy will do the same thing I did to her...

How do I get her back and prove to her I'm here for the long haul? She could have done better and yet she sw something in me, and now I'm afraid I let "the one" go.
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Old 28th September 2017, 11:22 AM   #2
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She could have done better and yet she sw something in me
This is an important confession. Look at what you wrote.
'Yet she saw something in you' means you recognize you weren't and are not up to her level. Picking up someone out of our league is great- for us. But it really does nothing for them if we don't grow or actively attempt to be better for them.
If you went back to her the same as you were she'd show contempt for you because she's seen the other side.

It's also important to note what her friend said. She loves you but SHE WANTS to move on. You should respect that. It means it's been thought out and she wants something different. Maybe one day when you've both experienced some new things and grew a bit you can come back together. I really advise you to allow her the benefit of that time and work on yourself as well.
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Old 28th September 2017, 11:35 AM   #3
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I promise you that your feelings are just related to not finding a girl of equal caliber. She was not the one - you would not have treated her the way you did or dump her if she was. When you really love a woman you don't grow tired of them or treat them as a bother.

If you did get back together it would be short lived and you would feel the same. You want her because you can't have her.

Leave the poor girl alone. For both yourself and her.
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Old 28th September 2017, 12:12 PM   #4
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I promise you that your feelings are just related to not finding a girl of equal caliber. She was not the one.
You're right, I haven't found a girl of that caliber. I'm in my faculty, I will be graduating from respiratory therapy and none of these girls were like her. Yes they all have the looks and intelligence but she had... I don't know...fire? She's been through a lot and she used all of that negativity to build herself a better future. She'd secretly cry to herself or hide or her sadness so I wouldn't be burdened. I made her insecure about her body and she calorie counted and worked out in secret. I just don't think I'd find someone like her even if I improved myself. I don't know how I didn't see all of this. I just saw a miserable, tired girl and all she wanted from me was to be her rock. Is there no way that this girl isn't the one I let get away?
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Old 28th September 2017, 1:02 PM   #5
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You're right, I haven't found a girl of that caliber. I'm in my faculty, I will be graduating from respiratory therapy and none of these girls were like her. Yes they all have the looks and intelligence but she had... I don't know...fire? She's been through a lot and she used all of that negativity to build herself a better future. She'd secretly cry to herself or hide or her sadness so I wouldn't be burdened. I made her insecure about her body and she calorie counted and worked out in secret. I just don't think I'd find someone like her even if I improved myself. I don't know how I didn't see all of this. I just saw a miserable, tired girl and all she wanted from me was to be her rock. Is there no way that this girl isn't the one I let get away?
I doubt it. Think of it this way, if you found a girl who made you feel like her would you still want her back?

It's human nature to want what you can't have and look at the past through rose colored glasses.

If she was the one you would have treated her much better.
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Old 29th September 2017, 9:19 PM   #6
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If you really want your girl back so badly, you need to start asking positive questions like how can I get her back, how can I bring the spark again not that " Is there no way that this girl isn't the one I let get away?". So cheesy? Nahh.. When you really get serious about it, you have to be sweety corny. Forget all that went wrong in the past. That won't help. You can impose NC for a while and reflect on things that can give a positive impact on yourself. Simple things like affirmations for 10mins every morning. Write all your affirmations in the present tense and read that loud and feel it. Take actions like courting her just like the very first time you've met. Oldskool but still works. Don't be very clingy though. Take it slow. You'll see things clearly as you go. Don't dwell on ugly past. Focus on improving yourself every day.

Last edited by TomiLiams; 29th September 2017 at 9:24 PM..
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Old 30th September 2017, 11:31 AM   #7
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I'm finding it difficult to really believe you ever were (or possibly are now) still in for the big haul; because if you were you would still be with her I'm afraid: its that simple; only now you've JUST realized what you have lost and suddenly you are wanting the "boring" old her back again!

do you think she will have changed her personality just like that overnight and even if she had, would she want to happily do it for someone that showed her such little respect when she was with them?!

YOU FELL OUT OF LOVE FOR A WHOLE YEAR!!!!! and enjoyed seeing other girls who you hoped would better her, and you wouldn't have given her a second thought if the other girls were what you wanted and you were with them.

if you were that serious about all of this maybe the last place you should want to be is online talking to anyone else but her!!!!

do you know if she even wants you back? or do you think that because you want her she must want you too?

to be brutally honest with you: I think she is better off with someone who will appreciate what she has to offer. she sounds mature and like someone who actually knows what a relationship is about in reality, not what the media has lead people to think relationships consist of, and what rights males and females should fall into in those relationships. you sound immature, there's nothing bad about immaturity in itself, but you also sound like someone who used her, didn't really understand her and were ignorant of what relationships involve.

but if I am wrong and you do get her back, then you need to GROW UP and stop putting yourself as the key player here, there are 2 people in a relationship. but I fear for her if you do get back together, because I really think that you will find that this relationship isn't enough for you all over again - whether it happens in a few months or years time, I just don't see this girl as being "the one".

love isn't just about the buzzing feelings and what you get from the other person, its about reality and lessons that you have to learn sooner or later (and sometimes you don't ever get the one you screwed over back).

so forget any non contact or trying to placate someone by manipulation how you co-erse them into to make them want you, if it will happen it will;

but I'm sorry, I'm not really rooting for you on this on. because I think if you go with this and in the next 6 years you let her down again it will really knock her confidence in future relationships.

and why should she be hurt because you are not ready!

maybe wait on your own a while and put your energies into finding out about yourself and then find about what real relationships mean to people and you may just escape this kind of situation in the future.

that's probably not what you want to hear, but I'm afraid its what I think regarding what you've told us.

if I can be positive in any way, take some time out and then find someone else, there are lots of people looking for someone more suitable, but remember; how this has made you feel NOW before you treat others in the same way!!!!

good luck in finding someone new.
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Old 5th October 2017, 12:24 AM   #8
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I don't know... Maybe I'm just dumb but I think a lot of people here are being really really hard on you.

I am a girl and I have been with a player who would tell me I'm "boring" because I didn't want to have a friends with benefits relationship where we screwed each other and other people. Because I wanted commitment and a stable partner and I hadn't had much experience. We'd fight about this and he cut me off multiple times and this last time I cut him off, and recently I ran into him while on a family dinner and he was with a girl, actually a week after I told him no I didn't want to see him if he was so stuck on not being exclusive.

It takes maturity to admit that you made a mistake and want what you had back and that you took what you had for granted. I actually contemplate sometimes if this guy will ever do that, since we started out as friends and besides this we had really good chemistry. My family and friends hated him, but I really loved him. A lot of guys get worried about committing and idk how old you are but especially young guys. They don't want to lose their freedom. And their ego stops them from admitting they messed up. This is why I'm saying that people are being too harsh, because you are really admitting you messed up. And I think you should tell her that. If she still loves you she'll appreciate it and will want to make things work. Don't expect her to be totally enthusiastic at first, she's probably very hurt and the conversation will be awkward. But just tell her everything you said here. It's time for you to be honest with her if this is the girl you want.
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Old 6th October 2017, 11:01 PM   #9
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Thanks everyone for the advise. I see everyone's point's and yeah I was really the bad guy in the relationship... I did her so wrong. I haven't talked to her yet, because I'm afraid what I have to say will disgust her. I have dropped her name to a couple of our mutual friends and she hasn't found anyone because she's afraid someone will see her flaws and leave her like I did. If those other guys don't have a chance, would I?
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Old 7th October 2017, 7:46 AM   #10
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None of us can really tell you if you have a chance. Only she can tell you that. We can only give you our own opinions and life experiences. Good luck dear/
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Old 7th October 2017, 1:38 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by wingzero View Post
I have been dating this one girl for about 6 years, she's two years older than me, already has a place of her own and a career. She was my first girlfriend and the last of those 6 years I fell out of love. We had a big fight and I proposed a break up, she begged for a second chance and a couple weeks later, I couldn't handle it and called it off for good. She didn't beg for us to get back after that.

Our relationship has gotten boring, all she did was work, eat, sleep, and plus we only saw each other 2x a week. I wanted something new, I didn't want to settle with her. My friends told me they were stayed with their first girlfriends anyways.

Fast forward a year, I've been regretting it! This is a prime example of you don't know you had it good until you lose it. All the girls I dated didn't get my sense of humor like she did. At the time she didn't have a car but was still bus to all of my soccer games even in the dead of winter (even after a 12hr day or working/studying). I on the other hand would lie and say I was too busy to hangout with her and her friends. She was always excited to me even after all these years, she tried to plan outings so we could have more quality time but I make them shorter in duration. She did this annoying thing where she'd tell me guys would hit on her for my attention, but she gave up on that when she realised I didn't care. All she did was tell me how handsome and how fit I was and how she's gained a few a pounds and didn't look as good. You know what I told her? I told her to go "work out, then". The list goes on and it's only now I realise and apreciate all the small thing.

All the good things I didn't see in her, other guys see it. The guys that said were hitting on her did exist after all and now that we're no longer a couple, they are like bees to honey! She hasn't spoken a word to me ever since the breakup besides asking for her stuff back. I talked to our mutual friends and they say she doesn't hate me, she still loves me, but she wants to move on. Her friends say she's having a hard time finding a guy because she's afraid another guy will do the same thing I did to her...

How do I get her back and prove to her I'm here for the long haul? She could have done better and yet she sw something in me, and now I'm afraid I let "the one" go.
This is a tough one for me to comment on considering you sound exactly like my ex of 10 years who left me a couple months ago. I've heard from friends that he is regretting his decision to walk away from me and try something new with another woman.

What you need to do before anything else is work on YOU. You need to focus on yourself and be alone for a bit. Then re-evaluate your feelings for her. Do you miss HER or someone being there for you like she was? Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference.

It's funny how people don't truly realize what they have until it's gone. She might not want to get back together. Prepare yourself for that. Also, please, please, please, be sure if you want to try again that you are sincere, mature and ready to put in the effort. It's not fair to her if you aren't going to really give it your all. She deserves that.

Last edited by Lynnesmith9898; 7th October 2017 at 1:39 PM.. Reason: spelling
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Old 15th October 2017, 4:09 PM   #12
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This is a tough one for me to comment on considering you sound exactly like my ex of 10 years who left me a couple months ago. I've heard from friends that he is regretting his decision to walk away from me and try something new with another woman.

What you need to do before anything else is work on YOU. You need to focus on yourself and be alone for a bit. Then re-evaluate your feelings for her. Do you miss HER or someone being there for you like she was? Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference.

It's funny how people don't truly realize what they have until it's gone. She might not want to get back together. Prepare yourself for that. Also, please, please, please, be sure if you want to try again that you are sincere, mature and ready to put in the effort. It's not fair to her if you aren't going to really give it your all. She deserves that.
Here's an update. I think I really lost the best thing that could happen to me. I told her everything I said, here's a not verbatim version of what she said. "I was also at fault in the relationship. You're right, I had become boring. And I think it was my fault I pushed you away by having all these expectations. I love you but I'm not the girl you need. I'm still the same as I was when we broke up. I'm still boring...I'm not ready to be in another relationship where it ends after 4, 5, or 6 years.". I told her I'm so sorry and that I loved her, that I've grown and I know how to cherish her. She said "I just can't... I'm sorry...You got what you wanted, you dated other girls. I can't help but think I'm a last resort. I can't offer you anything more than I did before." She started crying and I stopped and didn't pressure her any further. I have no credibility, she won't believe me, and why should she. You guys were right, I took the easy way out, I got to have fun while she had to pick up all the pieces. Thank you for all the advice whether they were tough or soft, I wish I realised this years ago.
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Old 16th October 2017, 1:56 AM   #13
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The break up, broke her in so many ways. She's still putting the pieces back together. I feel for her and healing.

She's doing the right thing for herself.
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Old 16th October 2017, 2:46 PM   #14
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At least you tried. You have your answer now.
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