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Mind v. Heart...thoughts ?!!


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

Old 25th September 2017, 9:02 PM   #1
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Mind v. Heart...thoughts ?!!

so Iíve been in a relationship with my bf about two years. He had treated me well but he lied about stupid situations and makes dumb decisions and often has excuses to explain them. I know we are human but little lies are just pointless and destroy trust. These make it very hard to trust his word when he might be telling the truth. He has admitted to having anger issues in the past and getting counseling but due to money no longer goes .

He grew up with a single mother that isnít supportive and no father which I understand is a reason for anger but he should be able to control it. We have been in a physical altercation before after him being drunk and angry to which he apologized and swore it wouldnít happen again. We were fine and he didnít drink for a while then we were out with his friends and he was drunk which isnít a problem but we got in an argument and it got physical once again. This time I pressed charges and broke up with him. He swear he knows itís the anger and drinking makes it worse and it wonít happen again. This time he is taking classes to control his anger. Other than those two times we have been fine other than petty arguments. I know he loves me but itís hard to forget the past. My parents and family,y love him.

I also recent contacted his ex from about 4 years ago who told me she would leave him alone. I understand the bias but the behaviors she told me he displayed are the same I have been seeing in him even though recently he has started therapy and is insisting he is changing which I am 50/50. I donít know if I should just judge him by his past, take the past and realize I should leave based on what Iíve heard or realize he can change. I do love him and Iíve been less than perfect as well. I can get spiteful and petty when angry but it always seems to stem in stupid choices he makes and I know it sounds silly but I would be embarrassed to even have him around seeing as though my friends and family know of the situations or have seen how he has no control first hand.

I donít think he has ever cheats and I know he loves me and I can maybe believe he will change but I doubt I can let go of the past. Is the ex valid? Or should I dismiss that because it was 4 years ago and even though I saw the same behaviors in the beginning of our relationship he is taking the steps to change. Should I see if thetherapy works and belive what he is saying despite feeling like itís no trust based on the past or move on to a new guy?
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Old 25th September 2017, 9:45 PM   #2
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This man raised his hand against you. Alcohol is no excuse. Unless he was in a life-threatening situation where he had to defend himself, there is NO justification. No matter how petty or spiteful you claim to be to him sometimes, what he did is ABUSIVE and VIOLENT. The reasons why can be explained and understood, but he is still accountable and in the wrong.

My ex also had a history of failed relationships, where he claimed they were in the wrong. However, after my experience with him, I doubt some were as bad as he tried to make them out to be. I was with him for 2.5 years and one year post-breakup as we were working to reconcile. He had depression which resulted in him breaking up with me. He's gone to some therapy appointments. He said he's sorry. However, like you, I couldn't let go of the past and had to walk away from him because I was so fed up being in relationship limbo with him and stayed NC for a few months. Before that he still said he still loved me and wanted to earn me back.

When I worked on myself to a point where I was no longer angry with him, I reached out only to find out he's got a new gf a few weeks after I had walked away from him. The behavior of jumping into a relationship to fill the void in him is classic for someone with depression. He didn't take his therapy seriously, let alone me, otherwise he wouldn't have done what he did. He did not change. He's set in his ways.

Don't make excuses for the facts already presented to you. I think his ex also accepted that this man is set in his ways. Don't waste your life waiting for him to change, especially when he committed something so inexcusable to you, TWICE.

All you're doing is enabling him and teaching him that his actions aren't that bad because you're readily available to forgive him. There's no high stakes for him. I loved my ex too, still do, but the decision to make a serious change is in his power alone and I'm done being a safety cushion for him, so I'm back in NC with him. Nothing you do will affect it. You'll only lose more and more respect for yourself by holding onto him after what he did to you.

If anything, you should seek therapy for yourself after the ordeal. It's concerning when you feel like you want to stay and help fix someone but also feel distrustful of him. It's a sign of codependency, and I know because I am and had to go to therapy to find this out about myself.

Realize that you deserve better and that his treatment to his anger issues is his own battlefield. If he's serious about it, he shouldn't let anyone else get involved with him while he's working on his anger issues. They're problems that need to resolved BEFORE getting into a relationship. Just because he's going to therapy now, it's not a guarantee that he'll stay in it. He may do love you, but if he truly does, he'd let you go so you're not at risk around him anymore as he's fixing himself. For his good, and more importantly, YOUR own good, move on from this. Have a fresh start that is free from the past turmoil.

Last edited by CeciliaCylara; 25th September 2017 at 10:05 PM..
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