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should i travel to see my ex? *** Updated *** ask ex to meet up


Second Chances Called it off but doubting the decision now? Someone wants you back? Let us know about it!

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Old 3rd October 2017, 7:51 AM   #16
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This is a dumpee’s dream.
Don’t hurt her OP. Be sure about this
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Old 3rd October 2017, 6:40 PM   #17
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OP UPDATE HERE:

even after all the negativity and explanations why I should not contact her and how she doesn't wanna speak or see me again.. and so on.. I still stuck to my guns, drafted few well thought of texts, surely got rejected a few times and she didn't respond few times but I stuck to it and built some sort of understanding, Ive now booked my tickets to see her at the end of this week..

Still not 100% sure she will agree to see me and I have not got a solid YES from her but I still didn't get a NO from her either and that is good enough for me. If she didn't want to see me she could of said am busy am in Berlin bye, but you have to read between the lines sometimes..

In all honesty I am not expecting much from the trip, its gone take a lot of time, but knowing how I screwed it up and said rude things that I did during break up I feel its my responsibility to make the effort now and quite honesty to be a an alpha male who goes after what he really wants
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Old 3rd October 2017, 6:57 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RobMele View Post
OP UPDATE HERE:

even after all the negativity and explanations why I should not contact her and how she doesn't wanna speak or see me again.. and so on.. I still stuck to my guns, drafted few well thought of texts, surely got rejected a few times and she didn't respond few times but I stuck to it and built some sort of understanding, Ive now booked my tickets to see her at the end of this week..

Still not 100% sure she will agree to see me and I have not got a solid YES from her but I still didn't get a NO from her either and that is good enough for me. If she didn't want to see me she could of said am busy am in Berlin bye, but you have to read between the lines sometimes..

In all honesty I am not expecting much from the trip, its gone take a lot of time, but knowing how I screwed it up and said rude things that I did during break up I feel its my responsibility to make the effort now and quite honesty to be a an alpha male who goes after what he really wants
As the dumpee in a similar boat to ur ex, a part me wishes this was happening to me. Haha.

Good luck OP. But heed my words. Be sure about this and don’t hurt her.
Keep us updated.

Last edited by HiCrunchy; 3rd October 2017 at 7:06 PM..
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Old 17th February 2018, 9:05 AM   #19
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ask ex to meet up

Hey guys I wanna ask my ex to meet up, please have a look at what i wrote. is it all ok? any changes needed? also I am not sure if I should send the whole thing or only the last 2 paragraphs? because the first 2 paragraphs are a bit useless? let me know please as I need to send it today:



I know it’s not nice of me to contact you unexpectedly. I never wanted just to text in the past, I hoped we could get a few messages together and I would fly there, take you somewhere nice and just see how we do, slowly as friends with no pressure or expectations. But most conversation ended before we built any communication.


I didn’t really want to go into this but I’ve never dated someone little introverted who enjoys chilled out activities and doesn’t constantly have the need for attention. I really enjoy all those activities too and am ambivert myself, but lack of experience and understanding just led me to think you didn’t like me so I tried to offer you a way out by being mean. I said the complete opposite of things I actually meant. As a person you have amazing qualities and personality that anyone could ever want in a good friend or a long term partner. You’re a talented writer and a thoughtful individual. I should have been more mature and communicated my fears about the relationship like an adult. I’ve learned and grown a lot since then anyway and that’s all in the past.


I will just be upfront about it, I clearly still like you and think you’re a great person to be with. I am man enough to admit that even if I get ignored or rejected doesn’t matter. I am asking for one opportunity for us to meet in person. I have some time this month and next month and I’d like to fly to Germany and take you to the nicest live theatre in Berlin or Munich and treat you with nothing but respect. There would be absolutely no pressure or expectation on anything, just a friendly fun evening. I know it’s not the easiest thing to do and am sure you have your reservations about meeting me, but I promise it will be good and it would mean a lot to me. I am honestly not trying to have any deep conversations, I just want to hang out with you for an hour or so and catch up in person. I will understand if you don’t want to but I really think we should and I am definitely not putting any pressure on you.


I actually do remember your birthday is on the 17th and I’ve looked online and tried to pick something I thought you would like. Please accept this as my way of apologizing and wishing you a happy birthday.

Rob

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 17th February 2018 at 8:43 PM..
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Old 17th February 2018, 9:42 AM   #20
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You want to FLY somewhere to talk to an EX? Forget it.

Do not send the message. The whole thing makes you sound weak, clingy & like you don't know your own mind. You say in the message that you concluded she didn't like you & that caused you to be mean. For heaven's sake how bad are your communications skills? If you think there is a problem in your relationship, you talk to the person; you don't play head games by being mean to them as a test to see if they stick around. That is passive aggressive BS & you don't deserve a 2nd chance if you are like that. This letter proves there is no evidence that your communications skills have matured.

When you contacted her last fall out of the blue, she told you to buzz off: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/brea...avel-see-my-ex

With the additional passage of time she is less likely to want to see you. You are crossing into stalker territory.

Leave her be. Date somebody that doesn't require you to board a plane to see.

Do not send her a birthday message either.

Last edited by d0nnivain; 17th February 2018 at 9:44 AM..
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Old 17th February 2018, 10:24 AM   #21
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Did you break up with her? Or did she break up with you?
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Kind of... Sometimes... Maybe
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Old 17th February 2018, 10:37 AM   #22
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I broke up. it was messy. told her she was a rebound and insulted her personality. lol dont ask why maybe cause i lost 10k on gambling the day she came over.

anyway am really not trying to ask if i should or shouldnt send the message.... i am defo sending it and just want some tips on the actual message. if i should include the first two paragraphs? cause i dont know how they sound to an outsider..
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Old 17th February 2018, 10:45 AM   #23
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Originally Posted by RobMele View Post
anyway am really not trying to ask if i should or shouldnt send the message.... i am defo sending it and just want some tips on the actual message. if i should include the first two paragraphs? cause i dont know how they sound to an outsider..
They sound like you can't communicate. You state that you said the opposite of what you meant. So that means she should assume that this missive is also the opposite of what you mean & that now you are still lying to her.

Then you talk about wanting her back & complimenting her. This is after she told you she doesn't want to speak to you again. That message came to you in response to the message you sent her out of the blue ONE YEAR after you dumped her the 1st time. Now instead of being respectful & kind by honoring her wishes you are sending this message begging to see her again. It comes across as a man who doesn't care one whit about anybody else's feelings or needs.

Part of communication is listening. I get that after 1.5 years you have figured out you can't do better & you want her back but since you are the one who threw her away in the 1st place, what you want no longer matters.

Do her the courtesy of leaving her alone.

I have a bad feeling that when you send her this & she doesn't respond, you are going to ignore that powerful message & jump on a plane anyway to go knock on her door. That plan is utterly selfish & mean.

She's done with you. LEAVE HER ALONE as she has asked you to.
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Old 17th February 2018, 10:55 AM   #24
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loool youre kindo right I would jump on the plane but they have uni holidays now. But last time (4 month ago) she agreed to meet up but because of bad timing I ended up booking my ticket on the day she was moving to Berlin so it didnt materilize. I think shes just very pissed off with me to be honest and youre right I didnt do any better I didnt even try to get serious with anyone.

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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
They sound like you can't communicate. You state that you said the opposite of what you meant. So that means she should assume that this missive is also the opposite of what you mean & that now you are still lying to her.

Then you talk about wanting her back & complimenting her. This is after she told you she doesn't want to speak to you again. That message came to you in response to the message you sent her out of the blue ONE YEAR after you dumped her the 1st time. Now instead of being respectful & kind by honoring her wishes you are sending this message begging to see her again. It comes across as a man who doesn't care one whit about anybody else's feelings or needs.

Part of communication is listening. I get that after 1.5 years you have figured out you can't do better & you want her back but since you are the one who threw her away in the 1st place, what you want no longer matters.

Do her the courtesy of leaving her alone.

I have a bad feeling that when you send her this & she doesn't respond, you are going to ignore that powerful message & jump on a plane anyway to go knock on her door. That plan is utterly selfish & mean.

She's done with you. LEAVE HER ALONE as she has asked you to.
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Old 17th February 2018, 4:22 PM   #25
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I'm hopping on a plane to another country/continent(?) to see you, but no pressure...?

Why not start with suggesting skype or facetime type chats? Why straight to the airport? Have you been in touch at all since your last attempt?
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Old 17th February 2018, 5:01 PM   #26
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I'm hopping on a plane to another country/continent(?) to see you, but no pressure...?
Right....to talk for an hour.....? Huh?

Don't send this, don't do it, don't contact her.
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Old 17th February 2018, 5:34 PM   #27
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Fly to another country just to meet up for an hour and bring her a birthday gift? There really should be some phone call or facetime before this. This isn't a message you text someone out of the blue. You should work up to this. That being said, you said you are sending this anyway so send it just how you have it. First 2 paragraphs aren't going to be a difference maker.
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Old 17th February 2018, 6:10 PM   #28
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You shouldn't do this. But if you insist on sending something, keep it short, short, short.

I'll be in Berlin next month. I'd love to see you -- I would like to catch up but also think I owe you an apology best delivered in person. Are you open to that?

(End note.)
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Old 18th February 2018, 6:06 AM   #29
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Originally Posted by RobMele View Post
I am honestly not trying to have any deep conversations, I just want to hang out with you for an hour or so and catch up in person.
She’s going to think you want to meet her for an hour so that you can kidnap her and put her in your basement. You could accomplish catching up over the phone/email/text. The fact that you want to fly to another country to meet her for an hour when she’s been clear that she doesn’t want to reconcile is going to make her very scared.

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I am man enough to admit that even if I get ignored or rejected doesn’t matter.
It may not matter to you, but it matters to her. Do you understand that you’re saying that you don’t care about how she feels or what she wants; that you’re going to do what you’re going to do anyway? Do you understand how frightening your viewpoint will be for her?

This is real life not a Hollywood movie. It’s not going to turn out the way you want…just like it didn’t the last time you flew there. And she’s probably getting very scared of you. The more you contact her, the more worried for her safety she’ll be.

This is a woman who is allowed to decide what happens in her own life. And it's very clear that she's decided that she wants a life without you. You need to accept that fact and leave her alone.

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Originally Posted by RobMele View Post
she agreed to meet up but because of bad timing I ended up booking my ticket on the day she was moving to Berlin so it didnt materilize.
Sounds like she flew/drove to Berlin to avoid you. And now you’re trying the same thing again four months later. Can’t blame her for being scared of you.

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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
I have a bad feeling that when you send her this & she doesn't respond, you are going to ignore that powerful message & jump on a plane anyway to go knock on her door.
Hopefully, he doesn't know her new address. She's probably being very cautious about what information she puts online so that he can't find her. She's probably very frightened of him...seems like it won't be too long until the police are involved.

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I get that after 1.5 years you have figured out you can't do better
Yep. This is exactly what's happening. The reasons behind his actions are crystal clear.
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Old 18th February 2018, 7:50 AM   #30
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My God dude, don't do any of the things you want to do. You are completely deluding yourself if you think this has ANY chance. I know this is not what you want to hear and I am sorry of this hurts you.

I cringed quite a bit when I red this thread, maybe because one year ago I was in the exact same space mentally as you are now. For example:

- 'She talks back so there must be some interest' > Wrong! Being polite is not the same as having romantic of even friendship interest.
- Thinking that telling her how great you think she is has ANY effect on her. You want to hear those things from someone you have interest in and someone you want closer in your life. She has no interest and only wants you further away. You had the chance to tell her this when you were together but you broke up with her instead. It sucks, regret is one of the worst feelings you can endure.
- 'I am man enough to admit...' That line is so cringy. Do you watch Game of thrones? There is a line said by Tywin Lannister saying 'Any man who must say he is the king is no true king'... By saying what I quoted, you want her to see you as a real man what goes against what being a real man is. > KNOWING that you are a man and not caring if other people see it like that. Approval seeking behavior NEVER works with women.

Again, I am not calling the kettle black because I did those things too till a certain degree. I also spent hours writing her 'the perfect letter' and I even cringe by thinking about the things I wrote in there. As a matter of fact, I am going to double check if I actually removed all of them. If these would ever leak I would probably have to move to another country. (Coincidentally I also live in Berlin at the moment).

My ex was also the girl who I ****ed things up with, despite the fact that she was perfect. Broke up exactly 2 years ago. I begged for 3 months. Chased her a bit more for another additional 6 months thinking I was doing nothing wrong because I was not begging but then I found out she was dating someone else (never knew if this was actually the truth till this day) but I was heartbroken all over again. I decided to back off.

A few months later she contacted me again and we had a brief chat. A few months later again. A few months later again so I asked her to meet up. There was some hesitation and it did not happen. I disappeared again and she reached out around last X-mas. We have been emailing a bit back and forth and it feels really good. We both keep the conversation going even though we both sometimes take a few days to respond which is fine since we are both very busy. We might see each other this summer (we don't live in the same country anymore at the moment).

Moral of the story: Back off and stop trying to force things. You still seem a bit impulsive and immature. Work on yourself and maybe after some weeks, months or maybe years she will contact you again. Maybe not. If she does however, you can show her the new you, but only if SHE is open to it.

Last edited by Murmillo; 18th February 2018 at 7:57 AM..
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