Lost the love of my life - can I get her back?

[Marc35]

I’ll try to keep this short:

 

Background: We were in a relationship for 3 years (I’m 29 and she’s 28). Before we met, I was six-months out of an abusive relationship with a mentally unwell woman and my former-girlfriend hadn’t had a serious, romantic, sexual relationship in 5 years. For the first 2 years of our relationship we were more or less head over heels without any issues between, apart from a few minor issues we got passed (unrelated). Ever since meeting her I thought she was “the one” (which is not something I ever believed in) and I know for the first 2 years she also thought, or was evermore thinking, the same (she told me she loved me first). I met all her family very quickly, we spent a lot of time together, I brought her away to France and Italy for romantic getaways. We were saving for a house.

 

Problems: As we approached the 2 year mark (almost this time last year) she said she was starting to feel like we should break up because we were arguing regularly enough. The crux of our arguments were that I felt we weren’t spending enough quality time together (all our weekends were spent at her sister’s or with the rest of her family, and she even invited them along to our dates) and she felt I was complaining too much. I managed to negotiate her down to a break, and after a week apart I managed to convince her we’d sort our differences out. We both agreed. I said I would try to avoid disagreements with her and she said she would make more time for me, my family, etc to balance out the dynamic. Things improved for around 5 months but then slowly she started scuppering our plans and I grew resentful, and my frustrations came out as petty criticisms. When I tried to talk to her she said I was being negative. She got stressed but continued to scupper our plans even more. One day I asked her why she had let me down so much throughout our relationship scuppering plans and she told me she’s “just not very good at putting in effort.” We got into a rut of bickering on-and-off throughout the summer though we still had great times too.

 

Break-up: Around 3 weeks ago she said she wanted to talk to me after we had a pretty bad weekend of bickering (we never shouted or called each other names, then or anytime, but it was enough to have spoiled the weekend). I feared she wanted to break up again, but she said she just wanted to talk to see what we should do. When we did speak she said she had made her mind up she was breaking up with me. She said she loves me and doesn’t want to be without me but she doesn’t feel things have improved enough in a year for us to continue. She told me her specific issue was my resentful petty criticisms (wherein I regretfully made her feel bad) and that I “always want things to be 50/50” (the latter is obviously a ridiculous statement to make). We hugged, kissed, apologised to one another and she told me she loved me. I asked her would there be any chance of reconciliation if I addressed the way I handle my frustrations. She said who knows what the future holds but for a while she has felt her future doesn’t lay with me, that we’re too different, incompatible and that I must – for myself – treat this as a break-up. She said if I wanted her to be happy I would let her go.

 

Since we broke up I have maintained No Contact with her. It is day 17 and neither of us has spoken. From mutual friends I have heard she is “devastated”, “sad”, “having a **** time”, “not relieved” and “quieter than usual”. Her father told me she said she’s not even sure what she wants. I have replayed the arguments we had in my head and I have signed up to CBT (to change my thought process/behaviour) and mindfulness (to be less stressed). I continue to accept her decision by leaving her alone, but I am really struggling to accept that this isn’t resolvable and feel I’ve lost the most important person in my life. At some point, say in 7-8 weeks, I want to at least get an opportunity to apologise properly to her for what I handled poorly – out of decency. But as much as I want her to know how I feel, what I’ve improved, and to see what she has reflected on also – does reconciliation even seem possible?

[preraph]

No. It sounds like she hung in there and gave it a year to be more what she wanted and now she knows you're not the one. I'm sure she loved you and misses you, but there are plenty of people you can love but not live and stay with. Plenty.

 

She sounds a bit over the top with family, I would agree with you. I've only known one person real close to her family, but her ties to them were such that she didn't even need an outside friend. She did marry twice and I assume he assimilated into the family or he'd have gone mad. She's going to find someone who reminds her of her family, or at least die trying.

 

As long as she has them, she really doesn't feel she needs someone bad enough to make many concessions. I'm sorry.

[basil67]

I think your expectations of the relationship and time together were reasonable. But wanted something else and this is her prerogative. Like it or not, she is right about the two of you being too different and incompatible.

 

The right girl for you will be one who enjoys spending weekends in the same manner that you do.

[olivetree]

Either she really just wants to spend her time with family often involved and you're incompatible, or she was bringing other people into your time together as a way to distance herself.

 

The end result of both is that she isn't giving you the kind of relationship you want and need to be happy in it.

 

You don't need therapy to change yourself, you need to find someone who wants the same things as you.

[Jay Anthony]

It is possible...

 

But I wouldn't contact her and apologize. Unfortunately that'll make things worse for you.

 

I know, because I've been there. I contacted my ex and apologized, pouring my emotions out on her and expressing how badly I wanted to be with her.

 

And that was a HUGE mistake.

 

Trust me on this, the best thing you can do is ACCEPT the break up (even if you want her back).

 

You need to focus on yourself right now. Pick up hobbies and interests / set some goals / try something new. If the opportunity presents itself: by all means date other women.

 

This is only going to make you seem more attractive in her eyes.

 

It's not easy but it works. She was attracted to you at some point, and it was lost. Focusing on yourself is very attractive to women in general and you're at an advantage with her in this because she has a loving history with you.

 

Because she said "if I wanted her to be happy I would let her go." You should honour that (for now).

 

She can't miss you if you're still lingering in her life. BUT, if you cut your ties she'll most likely begin to miss you and don't be surprised if she in fact contacts you.

 

You can by all means contact her later down the road, but for right now your best chance is by actually creating distance and focusing on yourself. And if you do contact her down the road (before she does) DO NOT apologize or bring up the relationship at all... Don't give her the impression that you actually want her back. (sounds counterintuitive but it works.)

 

Hang in there, it's rough but you'll make it my friend.

 

Best of luck,

 

-Jay Anthony

Edited September 23, 2017 by Jay Anthony