Is there hope?

[Kelly28]

My fiancé and I just recently broke up about a week ago. I was in a very irrational state of mind and told him to pack his bags and leave after an argument. He said he still wanted to be with me but I insisted it was over.

 

I am seeking counseling now for my behavior but he is gone and refuses to talk to me to try to work things out. He is understandably incredibly hurt and angry with me.

 

He still responds to my texts and messages but states he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. He is very hurt and I'm not sure where he is. He is financially stable enough to be okay, though.

 

I wake up every morning with panic attacks over my regret and feel I have made the biggest mistake of my life. He says he would still like to remain friends and is even helping me out with rent still.

 

His mother is being extremely kind and supportive of my personal growth but says that she is doubtful there is any hope for us.

 

What should I do? I don't want to lose this man and want to establish trust again. I know I have betrayed him and just want to make it right. We never even got to say goodbye to each other.

[d0nnivain]

What were you being irrational about?

 

It seems overly dramatic to end an engagement over 1 fight so there has to be more to it.

 

In the short term get as much of your wedding deposits back so you don't take a financial bath too.

[Kelly28]

We had been fighting a lot lately. I am recently unemployed and have just been a total nightmare to be around lately. I feel terrible about my behavior. He also wanted to move out of our spot because he didn't like living with my roommate (he wanted more privacy) and I was self conscious about him footing the bill for all that.

[d0nnivain]

We had been fighting a lot lately. I am recently unemployed and have just been a total nightmare to be around lately. I feel terrible about my behavior. He also wanted to move out of our spot because he didn't like living with my roommate (he wanted more privacy) and I was self conscious about him footing the bill for all that.

 

That seems situational.

 

Normally I'm not a fan of big long closure letters but here an apology letter might help. Try something like this:

 

Since I lost my job I know I have been difficult & it's caused a lot of fights. The idea of being financially dependent on you upsets me & it was at the heart of our last fight. I am truly sorry for my behavior. I really don't want my temporary fears to destroy our future. Please forgive me. Let's talk & work through this. I love you.

 

Don't go on for pages & pages. Listen when he tells you how upset you made him & how insecure he feels now that you were able to throw away your relationship so easy.

 

Then double down on your efforts to get a job.

[Kelly28]

Oh, I've said everything I can possibly say. I have tried. I've even taken his criticisms of me to heart and really listened and want to change. But right now he says he doesn't see a future for us anymore. I am devastated.

[d0nnivain]

I understand that you SAID everything there is to say. That is why I suggested you WRITE one last letter of apology. Talk is cheap.

[Kelly28]

I have no idea where I would sent it to at this point. I've tried to ask if I can speak with him on the phone or meet with him in person but he refuses to see me or conversate with me. At first he said to do so would, "send him over the edge," but now I think that he has grown to seriously resent me to the point of revulsion.

[SevenCity]

I have no idea where I would sent it to at this point. I've tried to ask if I can speak with him on the phone or meet with him in person but he refuses to see me or conversate with me. At first he said to do so would, "send him over the edge," but now I think that he has grown to seriously resent me to the point of revulsion.

 

I don't think more pushing is the answer. He needs time to cool down. Give it to him. He knows you want to get back together so next move is on him.

 

As a woman you have more of a chance getting him back than a guy would have with getting back a girl but don't count on it.

 

Work on yourself and go to therapy. I was out of work for 6 months and it messes with you. But I didn't take it out on anyone and I spent my days looking for a job. You have deeper issues that manifested because of the job loss.

 

IF he does come back you want to show that you have changed. A good first step is you've realized there are concequences to your behavior. Start by changing how you act.

[Kelly28]

Do you think it's possible to adequately show him? He seems so convinced right now. The thought of him all alone in some hotel looking for somewhere else to live breaks my heart.

 

How long should I expect for him to take to calm down?

[Scarlett.O'hara]

*Looks like someone else already posted similar advice, but I'll leave mine anyway.

 

My suggestion would be to give him space and time to think through things, and see if he misses you enough to come back on his own. I know this will be painful to do, but otherwise you risk pushing him away further. Also, avoid venting to his mother if possible.

 

Meanwhile, you should be taking care of yourself and try get back on your feet. If he comes back, he will see that you genuinely trying to improve things on your own. If not, at least you will be in a better place to deal with the situation and where you are heading in the future.

 

Just take things one day at a time, and if the anxiety gets really bad, talk to your doctor.

 

Take care.

[Scarlett.O'hara]

Do you think it's possible to adequately show him? He seems so convinced right now. The thought of him all alone in some hotel looking for somewhere else to live breaks my heart.

 

How long should I expect for him to take to calm down?

 

As long as he needs.

 

If he does want to reconcile, I think you are going to have to make the decision to move out with him as a compromise. He doesn't want to have a flatmate so I think that will show him how serious you are about being together and trying to make him happy.

[Kelly28]

Yes, I am more than prepared and willing to move in with him! I was before I said that stupid ****ing **** to him. That was our plan. Ugh, I ****ed up.

[SevenCity]

Do you think it's possible to adequately show him? He seems so convinced right now. The thought of him all alone in some hotel looking for somewhere else to live breaks my heart.

 

How long should I expect for him to take to calm down?

 

You can't put a time table on it. It will take as long as it takes.

 

Think about it, he had planned to spend the rest of his life with you, supported you financially, and you were awful to be around and told him to pack his bags and get out (is he paying for the place you kicked him out of?).

 

I would be very upset. I think in a domestic violence case the couple has to remain separate for 3 months. This seems like long enough for any rational person to calm down.

 

But - he may no longer be angry and still feel there is no future with you. You have to treat this as if that will be the outcome.

 

Work on yourself for you. If he comes back it will help keep him. If he doesn't come back it will help your next relationship. This is something you have to fix if you plan to have a healthy relationship in the future (with him or someone else).

[Kelly28]

Yes, he is going to still pay for the apartment. I feel so awful. I was hoping to land a job before I had to accept his offer but apparently it has fallen through. Dear god, this is the worst thing I have ever done in my life.

[SevenCity]

Yes, he is going to still pay for the apartment. I feel so awful. I was hoping to land a job before I had to accept his offer but apparently it has fallen through. Dear god, this is the worst thing I have ever done in my life.

 

Well it's done. As much as I would like a time machine they don't exist.

 

I handled my initial breakup with my ex so poorly (I basically said "If you're not sure about us than leave and get your stuff out of my house" because I was in such shock and it happened over the phone while I was on my lunch break) it ruined any chances of us getting back together despite me trying for 3 months with awesome sex and being the perfect guy.

 

But there is nothing I, nor you, can do but learn from it.

 

It sucks to realize that one moment in time can change the path of the rest of your life. And usually, it's a result of uncontrolled emotions.

 

As much as I wish I could change the past I can't. So I stopped beating myself up and you have to as well.

 

I rarely lose my temper but now I'm emotionless when it comes to breakups. Last girl who left (I broke up with her first but gave her another chance) texted me to end things and I said "Ok. Take care of yourself". Granted, I wanted out anyway but this is how I will conduct myself if the same happens with a girl I'm crazy about.

 

So learn from this and stop rehashing what you did wrong. You can't change it but you can change how you show up in the now.

[Kelly28]

I know giving him his space is the right thing to do but is there no way in the future I can ever reach out? I want to show him that I'm not just going to forget about everything he has done for me and what he means to me. I'd at least like to meet up one day in person - we've been through so much together I can't believe he never wants to see or speak to me ever again...

[d0nnivain]

You were living together & planning to get married, right? You were upset because you didn't want him to pay for things, but you are still living in an apartment where he pays the rent? Whose name is on the lease? You realize if he stops paying & you can't afford it, you will have to move & if you name is on the lease the landlord could get a judgement against you for the balance of the rent for the remainder of the lease or until the place is re-rented.

 

 

You said his mother is being supportive. She must know where he is. You could give her the letter.

 

 

Again, I'm recommending 1 short apology, not relentlessly chasing after him. If he doesn't come back, you may have to accept this is over.

[SevenCity]

I know giving him his space is the right thing to do but is there no way in the future I can ever reach out? I want to show him that I'm not just going to forget about everything he has done for me and what he means to me. I'd at least like to meet up one day in person - we've been through so much together I can't believe he never wants to see or speak to me ever again...

 

Craig Kenneth (check him out on YouTube) makes a great point in that people say what they are feeling in the moment. Right now he may mean forever but that may change once he has had time to cool down.

 

It can also mean he thought about this for a while and the last fight was the straw that broke the camel's back. You don't really know.

 

I'm not a fan of letters as they rarely if ever work. I think he is aware you want another chance. It's up to him to take you up on it.

 

You can reach out whenever you want but it will likely not get you what you want. Say you reach out in a few months and he's all friendly then mentions his new girlfriend. How will you feel?

 

That's exactly why I haven't reached out to my ex. I don't want to hear anything about her or her life now that I'm no longer in it. If she wanted back, she knew all she had to do was call or send me a text. She hasn't, so that's my answer.

[Kelly28]

He says this is all my fault and tells me I'm an awful person.

 

He says I was only using him this whole time.

 

I gave everything I had to this relationship.

 

I was ready to grow old and die with him.

 

I've supported him emotionally through so many tough times.

 

He left when I wasn't even home and he knew I couldn't be able to talk with him.

 

I feel like I'm in a nightmare. We did everything together.

 

How could he think these awful things about me? I thought I showed him so much love and support.

 

I know I was being difficult to live with. I regret being overly emotional.

 

I just don't know how to feel right now.